Worst place for an infertile

"I haven't been here since that day." I said.

DH: " I know. I remember too well."

Then silence for the rest of our 40 minute drive to my OB's office. My OB was not available so they had another one check me out today. This is office is in the same building as my PCP however it is on the 2nd floor. I had not been THERE since THAT day and until the moment I walked into the office I never gave it a second thought.

"I think I will need to update my information. I haven't been here since 2006." I said.

As I was updating my information and watching smiling pregnant women walk in and out and still smiling. It amazed me. I don't think that has really ever happened to me. To walk in to an OB's office smiling and to walk out smiling. I wonder what that would feel like? Man this has to be the worst waiting room for an infertile...back to the paperwork and my favorite questions on every medical form..."How many pregnancies?"...4...."How many births?"...uh lets see uh 0000.

Finally, done they call me back to the office and I explain everything to the nurse. Back pain blah, blah, blah...something on right ovary blah, blah, blah...infertility treatments, miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies. The nurse says " I am so sorry you have had to go through all that...Is it expensive?"...Yes (thinking please leave and don't ask me anymore). She did, thank God after Oh yea I forgot..."Are you pregnant?"...um did you not hear what I just said...infertile in the room. I say "No." She says "How do you know?" Well if the infertile thing did not clue you in then lets just say if there was one then it is long gone due to all levels of radiation, x-rays, mri's, CT scans. Not to mention the hundreds of pregnancy tests every dr wants to do...just in case I am that one person we all have heard that gets pregnant when they are not even "thinking" about it. (You know that happens all the time...I wish)

Anyway, finally she leaves I go do my "pregnancy" test. Which by the way was a fiasco in and of itself that I will tell some other time. So I come back to the room and I am sitting there alone and the tears come flooding out of nowhere. I'm thinking of the last time I sat in this room (or one similar) at this office. It was the only pregnancy that I got pregnant on my own and it was almost exactly 3 yrs ago (03/14/06). They referred me to my now RE and said we think this is an ectopic but it is in a weird place. We can't see very well with our machines you need to go to a specialist. You will not be able to HAVE THIS BABY. (this one is that implanted in my cervix) I look at the walls lined with baby announcements and thank you cards saying how wonderful they were and how beautiful their babies are and I WANT that to be me! I NEED that to be me!!!!

My doctor comes in and I explain everything to her. I tell her I usually have a million ultrasounds a month but I have been on break since July because that was my 4th loss and I needed to regroup. She grabs my hand and says, "I so understand what you are feeling! I have had 4 losses myself and I know how hard it is." I couldn't believe my ears a doctor who REALLY knows how I feel. You could see it in her eyes and the way she spoke...she did KNOW and she hurt too. I asked, "How do you work here?" (I was thinking, this has got to be the worst place to work for an infertile. I think I would go crazy. I can't even be in the room for 5 minutes without bawling my eyes out). She said it took her a while and a lot of soul searching and she did end up adopting 2 wonderful children. She said that she has tough days but for the most part it isn't bad. She even had my same RE. So needless to say I am going to make her my primary OB...if I ever need one again. Hopefully I will for a good reason. A reason for me to walk in the door smiling and leave smiling. That is my dream and I hope and pray it happens one day.





PS I have to go on Friday for an ultrasound with a better ultrasound. They said theirs doesn't show things very well. She said she can definitely feel something different on my right side and since I have been doing infertility treatments they want to make sure it is not ovari.an can.cer. She says she DOES NOT think it is and if it is it would be very early but they just want to make sure. So I have to wait again. I am still suppose to be scheduled for the pain specialist next week. Relief I am on my way....

Updates and EDDs

Today I went to see my doctor. They did an x-ray to see if I had any kidney stones and will tell me on Monday the results of that. She also did a pelvic exam and she pushed on my stomach and it felt more like she was stabbing me in the stomach. I actually cried out because of it. It surprised me because I have not been having abdominal pain at all. It has all been in my back. She said maybe it is referred pain and that is why the shots and everything else are not working. I am going to get a CT scan next Thursday to check my abdomen and pelvic area. It would be ironic if something was wrong in the pelvic area because I spend a lot of my time having ultrasounds in that area and now I have been on break since July and now there would be something wrong there? That would just be very weird. I do know though it should not feel like someone is stabbing me when doing that exam. So I guess I will have to deal with this for at least another week. The only reason I have to wait so long is because my insurance company can't approve the procedure until then. WTF? I just do not understand insurance companies most of the time. If my doctor says I need it then let me do it. It is not because I am going there to have fun and I have nothing else better to do. It just drives me crazy! I am sick of dealing with this and I want it fixed. I have done PT a couple times this week and I am also doing exercises at home so hopefully eventually I will feel better.

These last couple weeks I have had 2 EDD come and go. I did not really think of them at the time. I think because of all the pain I have been in. But I have been thinking about them the last couple days. If I would not have had my ectopic in July I would have a baby right now. I would be holding him/her. I would be loving and adoring him/her but now I am just stuck with what could of, SHOULD of been. I have been having a lot of dreams lately about babies and having babies. Some of them have been very weird. Maybe I will share sometime soon but I think I have been having them because of what I am missing right now.

My dearest Angels,

I just want to know how much I love you. Even though I never got to hold you or see you. Even though you were with me for only a short time I want you to know that I hold enough love in my heart for you for a whole lifetime. I think about you often and I wish it could have been different. I hope someday I will see you and be able to hold you but for now I will have to settle for seeing you in my dreams and holding you in my heart.

Love always,
Mommy

Weekend wonders...

I had a very nice weekend. It was my mom and sister's birthday so on Sunday we all got together and celebrated. My mom started a diet and she did not have any cake for her own birthday! I was so impressed. My mother has always been the person who will start something and 1 day later be done with it (short attention span), but this she has been doing for about a month and I am very proud of her. Maybe I got through to her (if I know my mother I am sure it wasn't me), she doesn't take care of herself and she has not been feeling good so I am glad she is doing this. Now I wonder if I could only get her to stop smoking...I guess one thing at a time.



Anyway, on Saturday DH and I babysat for my nephews J (3yrs) and N (18mos). OMG they are the cutest! When we got there L said Good Luck they are horrible today! and basically ran out of the house as if it was on fire. As I stood at the door trying to keep N from crying for mommy I was thinking Im in for a long night. Crying lasted about 2.3 seconds and then everything was fine. It turned out great! I don't know what I was thinking they are always so good for us. N finally said my name and we taught him to say Go Blue (he loves football) and it was the sweetest thing. They just melt my heart! They ate good and went to bed right on time no problems. I often think about what my babies would have been like at that age because they would have been the same exact age as my nephews. Sometimes I wonder about it when I am watching them play. When I watch J with his active wild imagination or N with his tough no fear attitude, I wonder would they have all been close like siblings? I am sure they would have been, I have always been close with my cousins. It would have been nice. I often wonder if by the time I have kids (if I ever succeed) are they going to be all alone. Are they going to have anyone to play with? All my friends will have grown up children, same with L. I know of all the things to worry about right?...but really it just makes me sad.