I think I have completely gone insane. I think IF has pushed me over the edge and I am not sure how to get back. Also, let me preface this whole post by saying I am NOT a patient person...AT ALL! I hate waiting! Why wait to do something when I can do it now and get it done. This will only prove my theory as you read further that I am crazy.
I am here. Not there. Not where I want to be. I am still. Wanting to move forward but stuck in what is behind me. I'm scared and I'm sad and that makes me angry because I am here and not there, where I want to be.
I can see it. I can see where I would like to be, off in the distance but, I can't seem to find the path to get there. I can't put one foot in front of the other and take it one step at a time because, what I really want to do is to take off running. Sadly if I took of running I would probably run into trees or in front of cars or something because I can't see where I am going.
I can feel it. I can feel who I want to be. Happy. Carefree. Peaceful. I have no idea how to be that... I can fake it really good, but how do I BE IT?
I am about to turn 35 in a week and I am not where I thought or wanted to be in my life by now. I remember when I was 14 and my mom was 35, she would tell me what a young mom I had. Sadly, I will never be able to say that to my child. It feels like at the rate I am going for my child's (if I ever have one) 14th birthday he/she will be looking for nursing homes thinking "why the hell did my mom have me so late?". I know that is a little extreme but that is what it feels like.
In 1 week I will have entered the much anticipated, much dreaded... Advanced Maternal Age. No longer will I be able to read the sections of a book for women TTC under 35. Everything will be higher risk, more sense of urgency and that really sucks because...
I'm stuck in the same place I was 6 months ago. I look around at other people, read other blogs and I see people doing something. Here I sit, "on break", wanting so badly to get back into the race but scared as hell to start running (you know the whole trees and cars thing).
My RE said I did not have to worry about it right now. He said A) it's not like there is a switch that gets flipped right on your 35th birthday. B) from my responses to everything so far I have been producing a lot of eggs. He said maybe 4 years from now I can worry. That's good news right? Only if you were a sane person, because all I think when he says that I am producing a lot of eggs, is that I am wasting all of them. I know you only have so many and that is determined when you are born and all these years I have basically just been throwing them all away. The more I produce now and the procedures don't work the less I will have...right? I know it's crazy but this is what I am trying to tell you...I have lost it!
I'm scarred because of all the "what if's" running through my head. What if the last round of injections doesn't work? What if I can't find the money to do IVF? What if I should go out of state for IVF? What if something else is wrong with me that they haven't found yet? What if I do get pregnant again and I have another miscarriage? stillborn? What if I spend all this money and I never have a child? What if...what if...what if...
I know in my heart that I shouldn't do that because I could just "what if" myself to death but please someone tell that to my head. My head has a mind of it's own...literally (that line really strikes me as funny...apparently I crack myself up because I can't stop laughing right now...or again it proves that I have lost it).
So all I have to do is call Dr. Positive and say "hey, it's me you know the one who is paying for your youngest to go to college. Yeah that's right, I am ready to get back in. I am ready to stick myself in the stomach and have my dates with the dildocam. I am ready for blood draws and follie checks. I am ready for some check writing and rx ordering. Let's go, what are you waiting for. I am not getting any younger. Let's do this thing. I. AM. READY!"...but I don't because I am stuck...here which is not where I want to be.
So there you have it ladies and gentleman...I AM insane! Let's recap...
1. Not patient
2. Don't want to be here.
3. Tired of waiting.
4. Not. doing. anything.
5. Not getting any younger.
6. What ifing myself to death when I should be saying "what if all goes right?"
6. I want a baby more then anything.
7. Just need to make a simple phone call.
8. Still sitting here...not doing anything.
9. Complaining about not doing anything and I am the only one that s controlling this.
10. Sad. Angry. Scared. but want to be Happy. Carefree. Peaceful.
11. Still not doing anything.
Someone admit me please.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Godzilla Spider!
I am exhausted today and I will tell you why, but first let me say it may turn out to be a "you had to be there" or at least " I wish you were there" because it was funny, kind of thing. Anyway, also, let me preface by saying I HATE ALL BUGS!!!! Most anything creepy crawly I hate!!!
Ok, so yesterday morning I woke up to get ready for work. My husband and I only have one car so it is kind of a well coordinated ballet dance we have to perform everyday to get us both to work and home on time. He works 4:00am - 1:00pm and I work 8:30 am - 5:00pm. He gets up , goes to work and then takes his lunch to come pick me up at 7:30. At 1:00 I take my lunch and take him home and then go back to work. So needless to say it is a lot of driving but the fortunate thing is we work right across the street from each other and we only live like 5-6 miles from work.
So, I was getting ready for work and I walked into my kitchen to give my dogs some water only to find the biggest ugliest spider I have ever seen. I mean I wish I would have taken a picture but I was too paralized to think. It was like somebody was doing nuclear testing nearby and the spider got in the mix. It was HUGE!!!! and it was UGLY!!! I backed up, went into the other room and finished getting ready. My husband called to tell me he was on his way home and I said "when you get here you need to kill this spider!". He was like "Come on, get a shoe and kill it!" I said, "You do not understand, if I go near it with a shoe it will probably tear the shoe out of my hand and throw it across the room." He laughed and said I was just exaggerating. I sat down waiting for him to get home and keeping an eye on the spider at the same time.
Enter, Mia, my cat. She LOVES bugs or anything creepy crawly, just like most cats. Not that she likes to kill them, she just like to play with them until she gets bored. She runs over to the spider and it takes off towards me across the floor. I scream, jump up on the couch...and now I have lost the spider. I do not know where it went. I was very distraught about the whole thing because I had visions of this spider lying in wait for me all day. I know it is ridiculous but like I said I hate them...I have a border line irrational (maybe not so borderline) fear of them. But I like snakes, go figure that one.
So now the funny part. I go about my evening...no sign of the spider. So my anxiety lessened and I went to bed...LATE (about 1:30) because I had to catch up on all my reality shows ( I am a reality show addict). At about 4:30 in the morning, I roll over and out of the corner of my eye I see something huge and black on my pillow...now remember, I am not fully awake and I have a crazy fear. So huge and black on my pillow... Now I wish I would have been video taping because I would have won a lot of money for this...I jumped out of bed, faster then I have ever moved in my life. I threw my pillows and blanket across the room, screaming I ran into the living room doing the heebie jeebie dance because I thought the thing was on me. I started thinking "why hasn't DH reacted and coming to my resue?" and then I realized he was at work. So now I have to go back in the bedroom in the dark, by myself, and because I threw everything across the room...I again have no idea where the Godzilla of spiders is at. I tip toe in the room, like I am going to sneak up on it or something, and turn on the light. I climb on the bed and lean over to thoroughly shake out my blanket and to look on the floor, in the bed, under the bed, and on the walls for this spider. When I lift up the pillows, there it is... a huge....black....
candy wrapper!!!! I mean I am glad it was just a candy wrapper but come on. In my defense at 4:30 in the morning , in the dark, there was no telling what it could be and I had visions of a ravenous spider coming after me. I have laughed about this all day because I can only imagine what I looked like this morning going crazy over a candy wrapper! So like I said it might be a "you had to be there" kind of thing but I thought I would share my funny morning.
By the way...I still do not have any idea where the spider is...
Ok, so yesterday morning I woke up to get ready for work. My husband and I only have one car so it is kind of a well coordinated ballet dance we have to perform everyday to get us both to work and home on time. He works 4:00am - 1:00pm and I work 8:30 am - 5:00pm. He gets up , goes to work and then takes his lunch to come pick me up at 7:30. At 1:00 I take my lunch and take him home and then go back to work. So needless to say it is a lot of driving but the fortunate thing is we work right across the street from each other and we only live like 5-6 miles from work.
So, I was getting ready for work and I walked into my kitchen to give my dogs some water only to find the biggest ugliest spider I have ever seen. I mean I wish I would have taken a picture but I was too paralized to think. It was like somebody was doing nuclear testing nearby and the spider got in the mix. It was HUGE!!!! and it was UGLY!!! I backed up, went into the other room and finished getting ready. My husband called to tell me he was on his way home and I said "when you get here you need to kill this spider!". He was like "Come on, get a shoe and kill it!" I said, "You do not understand, if I go near it with a shoe it will probably tear the shoe out of my hand and throw it across the room." He laughed and said I was just exaggerating. I sat down waiting for him to get home and keeping an eye on the spider at the same time.
Enter, Mia, my cat. She LOVES bugs or anything creepy crawly, just like most cats. Not that she likes to kill them, she just like to play with them until she gets bored. She runs over to the spider and it takes off towards me across the floor. I scream, jump up on the couch...and now I have lost the spider. I do not know where it went. I was very distraught about the whole thing because I had visions of this spider lying in wait for me all day. I know it is ridiculous but like I said I hate them...I have a border line irrational (maybe not so borderline) fear of them. But I like snakes, go figure that one.
So now the funny part. I go about my evening...no sign of the spider. So my anxiety lessened and I went to bed...LATE (about 1:30) because I had to catch up on all my reality shows ( I am a reality show addict). At about 4:30 in the morning, I roll over and out of the corner of my eye I see something huge and black on my pillow...now remember, I am not fully awake and I have a crazy fear. So huge and black on my pillow... Now I wish I would have been video taping because I would have won a lot of money for this...I jumped out of bed, faster then I have ever moved in my life. I threw my pillows and blanket across the room, screaming I ran into the living room doing the heebie jeebie dance because I thought the thing was on me. I started thinking "why hasn't DH reacted and coming to my resue?" and then I realized he was at work. So now I have to go back in the bedroom in the dark, by myself, and because I threw everything across the room...I again have no idea where the Godzilla of spiders is at. I tip toe in the room, like I am going to sneak up on it or something, and turn on the light. I climb on the bed and lean over to thoroughly shake out my blanket and to look on the floor, in the bed, under the bed, and on the walls for this spider. When I lift up the pillows, there it is... a huge....black....
candy wrapper!!!! I mean I am glad it was just a candy wrapper but come on. In my defense at 4:30 in the morning , in the dark, there was no telling what it could be and I had visions of a ravenous spider coming after me. I have laughed about this all day because I can only imagine what I looked like this morning going crazy over a candy wrapper! So like I said it might be a "you had to be there" kind of thing but I thought I would share my funny morning.
By the way...I still do not have any idea where the spider is...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)