So here I am or was, on a Sunday night watching some of my favorite shows. The last week...because of the Olympics have pretty much been reruns except for the few crazy, crap TV, reality shows I watch and one or 2 others,. So I was excited last night that some good new shows were on.
1 was the Amaz.ing Race and Unde.rcover Boss, which BTW I think every CEO should do. If you did not start from the bottom in your company and work your way up then you should go out and get a taste of what it is REALLY like for the average everyday Joe out in the world. It always cracks me up when the CEO announce to all the other "higher ups" that he is going to go undercover they always say, "is there something you think you can learn better by going undercover rather then just going in as yourself?" UM DUH I don't know if this is just me but it seems to be common sense that you would learn more going undercover. I know when I was told the "big boss" was coming we made sure everything was in tip top condition. We did EXACTLY what we were suppose to do and when asked questions we answered them in a straight forward fashion...not really saying what you REALLY would like to say because lets face it...you would like to keep your job. So I do not know why they ask that question...but I digress.
10:00 rolls around and one of my favorite shows, "Brot.hers ans S1sters" comes on. First, let me say, if you are in a bad place and you watch this show but have not yet...DON'T...or be fore warned this is going to be a SPOILER. This show has been a good show they showed Kitty losing a pregnancy and turning to adoption which I liked that they did it that way...they did not have her bounce back and get pregnant again right away like it was no big deal. They have the gay brother and his husband using a surrogate (who happens to be Whitney's from The Hi.lls and The Cit.y CRAZY friend and roommate). Anyway so they show different aspects of getting pregnant...not all is rosey.
Now Rebecca got pregnant and they have been showing the struggle with Justin not being ready, but all was starting to work out until last night. Rebecca is in the kitchen and all of sudden she feels cramps or something and says she needs to go to the hospital because something is wrong with the baby. I think nothing of it. They already did the miscarriage thing...
After they come back from commercial they show her in the hospital bed. Nora is asking her to drink some water and she says she is not thirsty. I still do not get it. I think drink the water, you are pregnant and maybe you are dehydrated and that is not good. Then they talk some more and WHAM it hits me...She lost the baby! Blind sided I started bawling, which is silly I mean it is just a show after all and I did not react like this when Kitty lost her baby. Watching her lay in the hospital bed just saying she would much rather be at home. Asking Justin to turn on the TV when he is trying to say anything to make it better but failing miserably. I felt the pain in my gut...in my heart. It brought me back to the hospital the first time. It is why now I avoid the hospital when having a miscarriage if at all possible. There is nothing they can do there except confirm your worst fears. Make you sit there for hours and hours for no good reason and all you want to do is go home crawl into bed and never wake up. She says she wants to go home and pretend it never happened...oh if only it were that easy...
Later they show her going to Kitty's announcement to the press that she is going to run for senator and Rebecca comes in to her holding her baby. The look in her eyes just showed exactly what we all feel when we see that. She put a smile on her face like we all do but she tried to get out of there fast!
The one that got me the most was, she is making Justin's favorite brownie recipe she got from his mom for Valentine's Day. He comes in having ran around town getting all her favorite foods from a million different places. He tells her to eat he will finish the brownies. She saysNO...he keeps trying and then she says... (paraphrased)I NEED TO DO THIS. I planned on doing this. I got the recipe from your mom. I bought the best chocolate. I need to do this because I PLANNED to do this and I NEED something to work out like I planned. This statement hit me HARD! I know all too well what this feels like but I realized that since that day 5 years ago when I lost my first angel and the 3 others since then...nothing will ever go as planned because everything I have done or will do since then does not involve my child and THAT DEFINITELY IS NOT HOW I PLANNED IT!...and that really sucks!
I was a mess for a while after the show. It just shocks me sometimes how this grief thing can just hit you from out of no where. From a TV show that is not real I get the wind knocked out of me. Just when you think you got it all under control grief jabs you in the gut and says "hey DON"T forget about me.!" and you just never know when that is going to be. Well I just have to say, don't worry grief...there is no forgetting here.
Showing posts with label tv. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tv. Show all posts
Monday, February 22, 2010
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I Need Some Sleep!
I can not sleep and it is driving me crazy! I have always suffered from insomnia. I take a sleep medication for it but even that is not helping. It is seriously ridiculous! 2 nights ago I did not go to sleep until 10:30 AM...yes you read that right! I even tripled up on my sleep medication and NOTHING!! It was like I never even took it. I forced myself to get up at 1:00 when DH got home. I was exhausted all day but I figured that was good. I did not want to throw everything off and sleep all day. But as usual 10:00 PM rolled around and I was WIDE AWAKE! I did not fall asleep until 7:30 AM last night...or I should say this morning. I am really hoping tonight I go to bed early. There is not much to do at night! It sucks!
Usually, I always have the TV on in the background. It is something I have done for as long as I can remember. I always fall asleep to Nick at Nite or something like that. Why? because they are shows that I have seen a million times so they won't keep my attention. I barely have the sound on but I just like it on in the background. For some reason it helps.
Well the other night, when I was up the entire night, I was watching because there is not much on except lame infomercials. I was watching "Ros.eanne". I have seen the shows a trillion times! However, there was one show that the end made me laugh and sad at the same time. At the end she came on because she had not been on the show and she stated it was because she was pregnant and on bed rest. She then goes on to a commentary. She says something to the effect of...(not exact)I would like to explain to all the little boys and girls that may be watching, where babies come from...Then she says...when a man and a woman want to have a baby they find another man or woman and we then they go down to the clinic and the man and the woman go into separate rooms. 15 or so doctors take the samples and manipulate them until they are certain that conception has occurred. She says, I am sure you can not imagine your own parents doing this but it is the most intimate and special thing that can happen between, a man, a woman, and their fertility specialist. I wish I could remember everything that was said or find a clip but I could not. I have seen this many times and never really noticed. I thought that was sad. I did not notice because to me that is my story. It was funny because not many people would do that and put it out there like that.
I started thinking about when I watched that when I was a teenager. I wondered if I ever even noticed it then? Did I think it was funny because yah right like that really happens! or that will never happen to me! Did I think she was joking? I remember being really young and hearing about "test tube babies". Of course it wasn't reality to me. I was a kid fantasizing about being a supreme court judge, running around with my friends, eating candy, mad about having a bed time, worried about if so and so was mad at me. You know the usual REAL IMPORTANT things in life. LOL It was futuristic stuff. It was not ever something that would happen to me.
Now I long for my "test tube baby". I look forward to the intimate rendevezvous with me, DH and my fertility specialist. The future is here and is now my reality and I really wish I could sleep!
Usually, I always have the TV on in the background. It is something I have done for as long as I can remember. I always fall asleep to Nick at Nite or something like that. Why? because they are shows that I have seen a million times so they won't keep my attention. I barely have the sound on but I just like it on in the background. For some reason it helps.
Well the other night, when I was up the entire night, I was watching because there is not much on except lame infomercials. I was watching "Ros.eanne". I have seen the shows a trillion times! However, there was one show that the end made me laugh and sad at the same time. At the end she came on because she had not been on the show and she stated it was because she was pregnant and on bed rest. She then goes on to a commentary. She says something to the effect of...(not exact)I would like to explain to all the little boys and girls that may be watching, where babies come from...Then she says...when a man and a woman want to have a baby they find another man or woman and we then they go down to the clinic and the man and the woman go into separate rooms. 15 or so doctors take the samples and manipulate them until they are certain that conception has occurred. She says, I am sure you can not imagine your own parents doing this but it is the most intimate and special thing that can happen between, a man, a woman, and their fertility specialist. I wish I could remember everything that was said or find a clip but I could not. I have seen this many times and never really noticed. I thought that was sad. I did not notice because to me that is my story. It was funny because not many people would do that and put it out there like that.
I started thinking about when I watched that when I was a teenager. I wondered if I ever even noticed it then? Did I think it was funny because yah right like that really happens! or that will never happen to me! Did I think she was joking? I remember being really young and hearing about "test tube babies". Of course it wasn't reality to me. I was a kid fantasizing about being a supreme court judge, running around with my friends, eating candy, mad about having a bed time, worried about if so and so was mad at me. You know the usual REAL IMPORTANT things in life. LOL It was futuristic stuff. It was not ever something that would happen to me.
Now I long for my "test tube baby". I look forward to the intimate rendevezvous with me, DH and my fertility specialist. The future is here and is now my reality and I really wish I could sleep!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Things are not always as they seem
Sorry I have been bad about writing lately. Nothing much has been going on and I have not been feeling very inspired. Yesterday I woke up and my back started hurting BAD!!!! It is still pretty BAD today. So I am back to laying on the couch and watching TV. I haven't been on the computer too much.
Last night I was watching Jo.n and K.ate plus 8 and the whole situation that they have just makes me real sad for the children. I learned a lesson though. When I first started watching I was jealous. Not that they have 8 children 6 of which they had at the same time because that has to be a hard road to go but because they tried fertility treatments and it worked right away for them. Why could that not happen for me? Not only did they get twins the first time but then had 6 more (again I do not want 6 at the same time). I wondered what I had to do just to have one. Even though it was hard they seemed happy. Now I watch and I just feel bad. It is hard to believe that last year I was watching them get remarried in Hawaii and this year they are divorced. Who is paying the price? The children will. I come from a divorced family and it is not and easy road. Then not to mention it is all being played out on TV. They have to watch bad things being said about their mom on TV. I mean they probably are not seeing it right now but some day they will see it.
When it first started, I was really late to the drama. I think it had been going on for 3 months before I even knew what was going on. At first, I was on Jo.n's side. I mean she was not a very nice person and I always wondered why he put up with it. But as time has gone on and I saw his most recent interview where he spent the entire time talking bad about the mother of his children on national TV all was done for me as far as he goes. My dad used to do the same thing to my mom. He would talk bad about my mother to us all the time. My mother never said anything bad about my dad...NEVER! Not until we were much older and had figured it out for ourselves. Well it back fired on my dad because I have not spoken to him in 15 years. Not because of that but because he is crazy but him talking about my mother never sat well with me and only made me feel bad for my mom.
Anyway, I guess it just goes to show that you never know what is going on in peoples lives. On the outside they can look like they have everything you want. Family, money, etc. But really what they don't have is one of the most important things we all seek...Happiness. I may not have 8 children, or even 1, but with DH I am always happy and I know I am loved.
Last night I was watching Jo.n and K.ate plus 8 and the whole situation that they have just makes me real sad for the children. I learned a lesson though. When I first started watching I was jealous. Not that they have 8 children 6 of which they had at the same time because that has to be a hard road to go but because they tried fertility treatments and it worked right away for them. Why could that not happen for me? Not only did they get twins the first time but then had 6 more (again I do not want 6 at the same time). I wondered what I had to do just to have one. Even though it was hard they seemed happy. Now I watch and I just feel bad. It is hard to believe that last year I was watching them get remarried in Hawaii and this year they are divorced. Who is paying the price? The children will. I come from a divorced family and it is not and easy road. Then not to mention it is all being played out on TV. They have to watch bad things being said about their mom on TV. I mean they probably are not seeing it right now but some day they will see it.
When it first started, I was really late to the drama. I think it had been going on for 3 months before I even knew what was going on. At first, I was on Jo.n's side. I mean she was not a very nice person and I always wondered why he put up with it. But as time has gone on and I saw his most recent interview where he spent the entire time talking bad about the mother of his children on national TV all was done for me as far as he goes. My dad used to do the same thing to my mom. He would talk bad about my mother to us all the time. My mother never said anything bad about my dad...NEVER! Not until we were much older and had figured it out for ourselves. Well it back fired on my dad because I have not spoken to him in 15 years. Not because of that but because he is crazy but him talking about my mother never sat well with me and only made me feel bad for my mom.
Anyway, I guess it just goes to show that you never know what is going on in peoples lives. On the outside they can look like they have everything you want. Family, money, etc. But really what they don't have is one of the most important things we all seek...Happiness. I may not have 8 children, or even 1, but with DH I am always happy and I know I am loved.
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