Happy Blogoversary to ME!

WOW! It has been 1 year of blogging today. I can't believe it has been a year already. I remember when I started, wanting so bad to be a year into blogging because that meant hopefully I would have built some readers. It would mean I had experience now. I would know what I wanted my voice to be and how I wanted to express all that had been bottled up in my mind and in heart for the last 9 years. Yet, I also wondered. Would I be disappointed with blogging? Would I start and then decide after a week or two that it was too much work? Would anyone care what I had to say? Would I really want to talk about all this really personal stuff?

One year later...

I am definitely NOT disappointed with blogging. Quite the contrary. I think it has been one of the best experiences. My first post I remember thinking, as I have said before, I am going to show everyone what it is like to be infertile. What I feel...how hard it is. I am going to educate. I had no idea that this whole world was out there. I do not even remember how I found Mel's place. I am sure it was from clicking on links from someone else's blog. But I do remeber my heart skipped a beat when I rolled through her list of blogs from the ALI community. I could not believe it. The feeling was like...I was HOME at last!

I am a talker by nature but I was unsure if it would translate to a blog. Could I be as open when anyone could find it and possibly say unkind things? I have enough of that IRL...I don't need it in the virtual world while relaxing in the comfort of my home. One year later...Yes I defintely have no problem speaking my mind. Saying exactly how I feel even if not everyone agrees. I figured out along the way that it is ok if not everyone agrees. We all have different experiences in life that shape how we view and feel about things. That is why I am here...to learn and maybe see a different way of looking at things. But I am also happy to say that I have not had anything unkind said to me. I have received nothing but an unending supply of love and support from all of you.

I really thought that I would only have a few people who would come to read my blog. I am amazed all the time that people come here and read what I think or feel. That you come here and comment and envelop me with virtual hugs. I just can't say how much it means to me and how excited I get whenever I see a comment. I also love to comment. I love offering my love and support to everyone that needs it. I love finding new blogs to read and that is why I have reached Iron commenter 6 times. My list gets longer and longer. Many have become successful in there quest for a baby since I started reading and it truely makes me so happy when you have beat IF. It makes my day better...it gives me so much HOPE! It also makes me so sad when things are not going well for you...if you are having a hard time...or God forbid a loss. I feel it as if it were my own. I pray and keep you all in my thoughts CONSTANTLY! If I can't read every day I start to get anxious because I do not want a day to go by where any of you feel forgotten. I try my best and I hope that I can give you at least a small fraction of what you have given me.

I think people think I have lost my mind. They say you should go to a support group and I say I have a great support group...they are all online. IRL people say , "no I'm talking about a group in person"...I say I did that and I like this better. While I definitely like to meet people and there are several of you that I hope to meet someday, being on the internet sometimes just makes it so much easier. It is easier to say how I feel with out fear that someone is rolling their eyes at me or staring at me in bewilderment. It's easier to cry my eyes out as I write a gut wrenching post or laugh my ass off at my stupidity without anyone knowing it. I can say here what I can't say or would rather not say IRL. It is also hard too because I can post things here and I realize that it may sound like I am about to slit my wrists or jump off the closest bridge...let me assure you I am not...because words can only say so much...but I know that most of you who read know exactly what I am talking about. You laugh and cry with me and not at me (wink, wink). And while all this may sound ridiculous to some people... to me it has been a lifeline. So, while I know some IRL people do not understand or think I have lost my mind if I talk about some great news I heard from someone online or some uplifting thing one of you told me that got me through a bad day...I don't care because I consider all of you my friends even if it is in the blogosphere...it still means the world to me.

So I thank you all for coming here and for blogging. My hubby thanks you because he finally gets a break from my constant over analyzing, worrying, and grief and I thank Mel for getting us all together in one community to support and celebrate each other and I am amazed everyday at all she does. I have learned so much in the last year. You have changed my life and made this whole IF thing easier. I am not alone anymore and I just can't thank you enough! And I can't wait for the next year!

So 365 days and 174 posts later...here are some highlights incase you haven't read.

How it began...1st post

Most popular post, my Creme de la Creme entry and Contest winner (although the contest

winner was a shorter version)

I am one of "those" people

My letter to Aunt Flo

Top 101 things about me

Shades of Gray

My letter to 18 yr old me

Something pretty funny - to my sis...sorry it had to be told...it is just too darn funny!

Hope you enjoyed!

ICLW... Oh how I've missed you! and Happy Anniversary to me!

Well I haven't participated in the ICLW in the last few months. I have had a lot going on and I am a total over achiever! I always want to comment on every blog and when I can't, I figure I should not do it. I know...I know that is so not the point. So I am in it again and I am just going to do what I can do although right now I do have some time on my hands.

I am very happy to be back in ICLW. I always love reading all the new blogs that I do not regularly read and I enjoy new comments. So let me give you some info about myself.

With DH for 16 yrs and married for exactly 9 years today! Happy Anniversary Honey! I love you with all my heart and I can not even imagine what life would be with out you and I never want to!!! Thank you for always being there for me through all the good times and bad. I hope soon our dreams come true!

Today also happens to be my nephew Jo.ey's (who I talk about some here on my blog)4th Birthday! Wasn't that such a great anniversary present for us. I can not believe he is 4 already! Time flies. He is such a loving sweet boy! I love you Jo.ey! Happy Birthday!

The other thing that we commemorate today is that we have been TTC for 9 years. This is not something to celebrate however so it is a good thing I have other things to focus my mind on. I was diagnosed with PCOS which sucks!

I have lost 4 babies. I had 2 early miscarriages and 2 ectopics. 1 was an extremely rare cervical ectopic which tragically would have been a healthy baby had it implanted in the right place. With all the technology I wish they could figure out how to move it to the right place!

My last loss was 07/03/08. I went on break after that because I needed a mental break. If not I might have jumped off the closest bridge. I am ready now to get back in the game and I am trying to save for IVF. However, things have not been going my way.

Last month I was fired from my job for some bullshit reason and currently I am fighting to get money from unemployment. We are struggling now to stay afloat and found out that they will probably be coming to take our car by the end of the month. Unfortuantely we do not have another car nor the money to buy a new one so we are trying to figure out what to do. DH has to get to work or we are REALLY screwed. He is going to talk to his mom today and hopefully she can help us out. PLEASE PLEASE!! something needs to go right.

I am 35 years old and I feel like I am going backwards. I am no where I thought I would be by our 9th anniversary and it really makes me sad and angry! I also feel like I am running out of time. So as you can tell my mind has been racing and I am kind of freakin' out! Hopefully soon things will turn around.

The good thing that came out of the last year was that I found this wonderful on line community. I started blogging thinking I would come online and educate everyone and then I found all of you and I have learned so much from you. Although I have not met you IRL I consider you all my friends. As I have said many times you all have helped through some difficult times and celebrated with me during happy ones. I don't know what would have happened if I had not found you all. Thank you all for what you have done for me and I hope I can and do do the same for you!

Thats all I have for now. I am sure I will be seeing (reading) you around this week.

HAPPY ICLW!!!

WOW It's been 35 years!

Tomorrow is my birthday. I am trying to be excited but I am really not. I have tried to think of what I want to say about this whole birthday thing, but all I can think is UGH! I have typed many things here only to delete because I feel like I have done the whole "I'm turning 35 and that really sucks" thing (although it is worth saying again). Tomorrow I am not doing anything really special because a) haven't been feeling all that great b) Im broke. I am going to celebrate with the fam and that is about it. Probably use "but it's my birthday" (with pouty lip and batting eyelashes) with DH to try to get what I want but that's about it. So as it gets closer to the big 3 5 let me reflect on my previous 34 years.

Was born in Michigan which is where I have lived all my life. I have moved about 12-15 times but not to far. I was a pretty good kid. My mom always says as a baby she could take me any where and I would always smile and sleep. My parents got divorced when I was pretty young. I want to say 7 or 8 but don't quote me on that. Let's just say it was so long ago I don't really remember my parents being together except the fights. Oh and there were some doozies! Like when my dad got mad about my mom talking on the phone and ripped the phone book to shreds. I always wanted to live up to my dads expectations but realized later in life that would never happen because he is crazy (and I do mean C R A Z Y).

I grew up playing sports. I mainly bowled and played softball. I was good at both of them. I don't say this to toot my own horn but to say I HAD to be good at them or my dad would go nuts! One time when I was five he put me on a bowling league and I bowled a 1 because well...I was 5. I remember him standing on the lane screaming at me telling me how I had embarrassed him and that "no daughter of his would ever bowl a 1". That was the first of many times of him screaming at me because I was not perfect at something (hence the reason I am a perfectionist to this day). He used to come to all my games and in fact coached many of my teams. He wasn't the "official" coach but he always charmed his way in. I HATED EVERY MOMENT!!! I loved when he wasn't there because I could actually have fun. I ended up playing varsity softball in High School but quit after sophomore year after a whopper of a fight with dear ole dad. He wanted me to get a scholarship to college, so I quit to spite him and because he made it not fun...at all! It really pissed him off. hehehe.

For all the goodness I had when I was a child, I more then made up for as a teenager. I was a pretty popular girl. Had several boyfriends from a young age. My mom got called up to the school because I got caught kissing a boy behind the bleachers in 6th grade. In junior high I got caught doing everything, smoking, drinking, skipping school. I think my dad was at my house waiting for me several times after school, which was never a good sign. But I learned from those mistakes an just stopped getting caught. There was once or twice I would get caught and my mom would say "Im going to catch you every time" and I would think "I'll take 1 out of 50". But I was always paranoid about getting caught. I always got good grades. They came pretty easy to me so it helped me get away with other things.

In 9th grade I met my first real love...C! And to this day I still get a little twinge in my heart when I think about him. It's ok my hubby knows about him and in fact they became really good friends and C stood up in our wedding. Unfortunately I haven't seen him for many years :( but we do exchange Christmas cards and the occasional emails. He was there for me through some really bad times and I will always have a little bit of love for him.

On spring break my senior year my friends and I went to Myrtle beach and there I met a Marine and oh was I madly in love with him! It was weird because I met him there but we had really had only lived about 15 minutes from each other our whole lives and only a few miles for part of it. He was one crazy guy and infatuated with being a marine. When I met him I never gave him my phone or address I just figured it was a "spring break" thing but after I got home he tracked me down a few weeks later and said he was coming home on leave and he wanted to see me. He took me to meet his parents and introduced me as his future wife and the just made my hear go a flutter. I was head over heals, at the time I thought "in love", but now realize it was "in lust".

I went to college for a year to Central Michigan. That is one big party school. Recently my DH asked me what I remember about college and sadly I do not remember any classes, except the bowling class I thought I would take as a blow off class and it turned out to be one of the hardest. For our final the teach made us write a single spaced 10 page paper that was about...how I improved, how bowling related to my major and minor (which at the time was psychology and communications) and how bowling relates to life. Uh what ?!? It sucked! Marine guy broke my heart (which in retrospect was definitely for the best) and things happened to my family that forever changed me and my family. I will not talk about it because it is not my business to tell but I can say it was this night 17 years ago that I truly felt completely care free and happy. I remember it so vividly because I was at a concert with my friends and I was sitting there thinking "man my life is good! It can not get any greater then this! I love my life!" The next day on my birthday I got the call that changed everything! Every feeling of security, every feeling of peace I ever had was gone! I did not think we would ever make it through it but we did. We came out closer, and stronger but smaller, because it was a this time that I realized how truly CRAZY my dad was and I stopped talking to him for good!

After that year in college I came home and I started a job delivering pizza's and a guy started working there on the very same day. He was a nice guy but not my type. I dated several guys during this time, all jerks BTW and then one day I heard my boss say "if you don't ask her,I'm going to". A few minutes later DH asked me out. We went on a few dates and he started talking about my b-day and I remember thinking "what is he talking about, I am not going to be with him in 6 months". Shortly after that he pretty much moved in with me. I got involved with a scam job and pretty much lost everything. I did some horrible things. I stole from my moms friend and I was in deep denial. It was like I was brain washed. I remember my mom coming to my apartment, which had an eviction notice on the door, and she said "your getting evicted." to which I said "nope". Can you say DENIAL? The day I had to be out, I came home from work and my DH (boyfriend) was moving my stuff, because he had to or it would be thrown out and I was screaming at him because I still believed I was not getting evicted. UH DUH! We moved into DH studio apartment with his brother in a BAD BAD neighborhood. My mother came to me and said "I have tried to help you but I can't any longer because you don't want it. Please stay away"...my world collapsed but I finally got the message. I quit that scam job and paid back all the money (thankfully I did not go to jail) and I got a new legit job. Those days were so hard because we would scrape together pennies. My first day at my new job we did not have any food except 1 egg. I was looking forward to eating that egg when I got home because I was hungry and when I got home DH had eaten it. It was horrible! I think the only thing that got us through was that DH still worked at the pizza place and brought a lot of food home.

We then moved and rented a room from a whacked out lady who burned down the house and took the money and ran. We lost everything again. 2 weeks later we moved into an apartment which 5 years down the road was damaged by fire and we lost everything AGAIN! Fire and me do not get along. Anyway during this time I did make up with mom and all and earned back the trust. I did not think so at the time but my mom telling me to stay away was the thing that saved me. It woke me up and I thank her for that because I am not sure if I would be here and I know it was hard for her to do.

After 7 years of dating DH and I finally got married and started our TTC journey. Well actually we did before we got married but I haven't really counted that. The rest I have talked about an will talk about some more but let me just say this...Out of the 35 years I have been alive the best thing I ever did was marry my hubby! I would not trade it for the world and if that meant I would never have a kid I would marry him over and over again because I do not know what I would ever do without him. He is the greatest guy I have ever met! He makes all the bad seem better. He knows me like no other person in this world and he still loves me and for that I will be forever grateful!

So folks that is it in a nutshell. My 35 years on this earth...I have learned so much. I am who I am because of all that has happened to me. It has made me a stronger person. Although I wish some things had not happened, they have all led me to where I am now. I have grown into a much better person then I think I would have been had they not happened so for that I am thankful. I only hope that in 35 years from now I can look back and say thank you because I am a much better person then I was 35 years ago and hopefully I will have kids to back up my story. :)

Thank you if you stuck through and read this whole long post.

Top 101

Again I saw this on an Unfair Struggles blog and thought it would be a good idea. So here it goes...

101 random facts about myself that you may or may not know.

1. I am 34
2. I will soon be 35
3. I am an Aquarius
4. I have been married to my DH for 8 1/2 years.
5. We have been together for 15 1/2 and lived together pretty much the whole time.
6. I love DH more then anything (he told me to put this in here but I really really do)
7. 7 is my favorite number. I was born on the 7th in 1974. DH and I got married in the 7th month on the 21st (multiple of 7). His b-day is on the 14th (also a multiple of 7). We started dating 07/17. We had been dating for 7 yrs b4 we got married. My DH is 7 yrs older then me.
8. I have had 2 early miscarriages and 2 ectopics
9. One of my ectopis was extremely rare. It was in my cervix
10. I like to name all my animals with people names. Currently I have Sammy, Katiejo, Mia, Romeo and Juliet.
11. I love dolphins!
12. I have a dolphin tatoo that you can't see unless I wear a bikini and I don't think that will be happening again in this lifetime.
13. I have PCOS
14. I have been TTC for over 8 yrs
15. My favorite color is Red or Orange
16. I pretty much drink nothing but Coke. I love it!
17. I am an obsessive worrier. I can worry about anything and everything and once I have figured something out it is on to the next thing to worry about.---I hate it!
18. I hate peanut butter! I can not even stand the smell of it!
19. I love the smell of coffee but can't stand the taste.
20. I like the taste of watermellon flavor but I do not like watermellon.
21. My favorite desserts are ice cream pie and chocolate covered strawberries.
22. My favorite food is ribs.
23. I am a chocoholic. Dark chocolate is my favorite.
24. I have had a fire burn down my house---twice.
25. My sister's nickname for me is Bella ---I am not sure why.
26. My one "freebie" (wink, wink) is Mat.thew McCo.nau.ghey.
27. His is San.dra Bul.lo.ck.
28. I love Hockey! Red Wings are the best!
29. I love U of M football!
30. I wanted to be a lawyer growing up until I saw 1st hand how the justice system worked and I thought it sucked. I figured I would be always being held in contempt of court so I gave up on that.
31. My dream has been to write Children's books.
32. My biggest fear is that I will never have children.
33. I have been in 4 car accidents in my life. All of them were on the 21st of the month.
34. We got married on the 21st...pretty risky...I did not drive.
35. My nephew Jo.ey was born on our anniversary. What a great gift!
36. I have never broken a bone (knock on wood).
37. I am super organized. Ask me for instructions to the toaster and I have them and can get them within a minute.
38. I have read the Bible 3 times all the way through.
39. I am a reality TV addict.
40. My favorite non-reality shows are "He.roes" and "Lo.st".
41. My favorite movie is "50 Fir.st Da.tes"
42. I have made Iron Commentor every month I have entered ICLW so far...3 times going for the fourth.
43. Blogging has been one of my favorite things since I started it. It has been the savior of my sanity.
44. My DH does all the cooking in our house. I hate cooking!!!
45. I like snakes but I can not stand any type of bug, especially spiders!
46. I was a majorette in junior high.
47. In high school I played fast pitch softball.
48. I also sang in the choir. We went to state competition and received a 1 (which is the best).
49. I took 4 yrs of Spanish but I can not speak it (except to count and a few words here and there).
50. I am a night person. On weekends I am usually staying up until like 3 or 4 am doing nothing much.
51. It may be because I have insomnia.
52. I can not stand to use a towel more than once before washing.
53. I have to have my own bar of soap. I do not like to use soap that others have used.
54. I can recite the alphabet backwards.
55. I have dimples.
56. I believe everything happens for a reason even though we might not necessarily ever find out what that reason is...sometimes it really sucks.
57. I am obsessed with pens. I buy them all the time. I especially like the gel pens.
58. I would rather listen to talk radio then music most of the time.
59. Bi.lly Jo.el is my favorite singer. I have been to his concert 5 times.
60. I love grape flavored anything.
61. I love to watch ghost shows like Gh.ost Hun.ters and Gh.ost adv.enturs but I am not sure if I believe in ghosts.
62. I love horror movies.
63. My toe nails always must be painted and it is usually some form of red and they must be cut short.
64. I had some baby teeth until I was in my 20's and then I lost them and never got adult teeth.
65. Nobody is aloud to call me Shelly except one of BFF's because when we met we were working at a place that had another Michelle so I had to choose another name. So this is really what she knows me by except sometimes she tries to call me Michelle and it just sounds funny coming from her. The only other ones would be my nephews.
66.I would like to move to Tennessee one day.
67. I love to read but it always seems to go in spurts when I get into reading I can read a book in about 3-4 hrs.
68. If money was not a concern I would adopt lots of children.
69. I hate the snow except for the 1st minute after it has fallen before it is disturbed.
70. I secretly still like to watch the old Bev.erly Hi.lls 902.10. I loved that show and I still do ---disturbing I know.
71. I really do not feel like working right now...or ever...but don't get me wrong I am very thankful for my job.
72. Only 1 more day before my vacation.
73. I did not put up any Christmas decorations this year.
74. I did not send out Christmas cards either...I must be a scrooge.
75. I really would like to go sky diving and bungi jumping one day.
76. When I was a little girl I used to think men eventually turned into dogs because they were so hairy...(little did I know that some teenage and boys in their 20's were really the dogs.
77. I can name all the states, where they go and their capitals.
78. I can name all the countries of the world.
79. I love to be barefoot.
80. But I hate hate hate feet! ---its actually a pretty irrational hatred...I mean seriously hate.
81. I have really great eyesight and hearing. I think better then most at least in the eyesight department.
82. The feel of cotton balls gives me the heeby jeebies...I use them I just don't like the feel of them at all.
83. My first "love" ended up becoming really good friends with my DH and he stood up for him in our wedding.
84. I always have great plans to scarpbook and have even bought lots of supplies but I have never gotten around to actually doing it.
85. I love to play Scra.bble and Ba.ckgam.mon
86. I have never been out of the country...well I have been to Canada but seeing as Canada is closer to me then my mother and it literally takes 15 minutes to get there from my house I don't think it counts.
87. I love roller coasters but when we are going up the hill I have a harder time going up then I do going down. I hang on tight on the way up and hold up my arms on the way down---very weird I know.
88. I have always wanted to go to Australia but the long flight does not sound appealing.
89. I was arrested once ---Funny story, I did not pay a speeding ticket because I felt I should not have gotten it anyway so I figured I would show them and not pay it. I got pulled over about 6 months later and by this time I had a suspended license. The cop told me to have someone pick me up and go take care of the ticket...I didn't and 2 weeks later the SAME cop pulled me over and then he arrested me. I thought it was hilarious because really what are the chances of the same cop pulling you over...it took a while for me to convince my mom I was in jail and I needed her to bail me out. She got lost and meanwhile I got arraigned via video. The judge asked me if I understood the charges I said yes...he said how do you plead...I said Guilty...he said obviously you don't understand so I will accept your plea of not guilty and see you in a couple weeks...apparently pleading guilty would have meant I would have spent a while in jail. I went back a few weeks later and paid a 200 fine and it was done. That was my big time in the slammer. I guess I really showed them by not paying the ticket...hahaha
90. I love God but I am not religious.
91. I love love love when I get comments on my blog. It makes my whole day.
92. This list is a whole lot harder then I thought it would be.
93. I love to get mail that is not bills like catalogs, cards and letters...however I do not get many. :(
94. I get sucked in by infomercials. I swear anything they are trying to sell I am convinced I absolutely have to have it.
95. I can not wait for this year to be over.
96. I really hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!
97. and a Happy New Year!
98. I thank you all for your support!
99. I hope their is a massive baby boom next year and all of us in this community have babies.
100. I may complain but I am truly a blessed person!
101. If you read this whole thing thank you.

Whew I am so glad I am done.

Welcome

Welcome all you lovely ICLWers. Let me tell you a little about myself for those of you who do not read my blog regularly (gasp I can't believe EVERYONE does not read this LOL). I got this idea from the wonderful Unfair Struggle I think it is great so I have adopted it.

Name: Michelle
Age: 34
Diagnosis: PCOS
TTC: 8+ years or 100 months to be exact
Married: 8+ years but been together for 15+

I started blogging in August after me 4th lost baby. I have had 2 (1st and 3rd)early miscarriages at around 5-6 weeks. Once I got pregnant on my own but every oter time has been assisted by clomid or injections. This last time was an IUI. I have also had 2 ectopic pregnancies. 1 was a rare ectopic in my cervix. They now consider me a case study and so every time I go to my RE I have 3 or more doctors checking me. It's barrels of laughs. This last one was an ectopic but we caught it very early so luckily I did not lose any tubes or anything.

After the last one I decided to take a "break" to save my sanity and to save some money for IVF. I am not going to start until at least February of next year. I decided to take at least 6 months because if I have one more miscarriage I think I might jump off the nearest bridge (not really). My heart has been broken so many times I have a hard time believing it is possible. So during my break I decided I needed to find people who were like me. I needed people who understood what I felt. People who would not say..."Just relax", "Maybe you should adopt", or "It's your bodies way of getting rid of something that would not have worked anyway". That is when I started blogging and it has made a tremendous difference to me. Just read my previous post about how I feel about all of you.

Every Friday I do Favorite things Friday which have included things like you, my DH, my DVR, and Baileys with caramel. Other things I love are my 2 nephews Jo.ey (3) and No.ah (1). They are my heart. Dolphins, reading, hanging out with friends, Red Wings hockey, U of M football (although they are a sad team to watch this year), CHOCOLATE, and my fur babies dog Sammy, dog Katie Jo, cat Mia.

Thank you for stopping by it is great to have all of this support. Talk to you all soon.

Who am I...

Infertility is part of who I am but it is not all of who I am. It has changed my life in many ways but it does not define me, or at least I am trying to not let it define me, so I wanted to let you know other things about me...in case you were wondering...

My name is Michelle and my DH and I have been married for 8 years but we have been together for 15. I am 34 and he is 41. We met when we both started a job on the same day. He asked me out about 2 months later and I went but wasn't all that excited about it. I remember a few dates later he started talking about what we would do for my birthday and I thought, "I don't know what he is talking about. I am not going to be with him in 6 months" and here we are 15 years later going strong.

My DH is the greatest husband and he perfectly balances me out. Where I am outspoken and high strung he is quiet and laid back. Where I am worried and anxious, he has faith that things will work out just the way they are suppose to, and where I am organized and like to be on time, he, not so much. He spoils me. He is my rock, my strength, and my salvation! I love him more than words can express and I know he loves me the same. Now this is not to say he does not have hes faults but we do not need to get into that now. I am sure they will come out in do time :).

I live in Michigan (the Metro Detroit area). I have lived here all my life. I hate the weather here! It is too cold in the winter and then in the summer with the humidity it is sometimes unbearable. We usually skip fall and spring here. I have one younger sister who has 2 children. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs but in the last 3 or 4 years we have become very close! My mom, she is crazy and can drive me to want to drink sometimes but I love her very much and we are close as well. I haven't spoken to the man who donated his sperm in order for me to be born, (I will not refer to him as a father because he never was and never will be) in about 14 years. To say the guy is an ASS would be the under statement of all under understatements. Sometimes it makes me sad that I do not have a dad and that my future children will not have a grandpa but if he is my only choice then we are all better off.

I have 2 dogs, Sammy (6), who was a dog we got from the Humane Society. He is a Beagle mix. They are not sure with what but I think it may be a dalmation because he is black and white and kind of looks like one but the size of a beagle. The 2nd dog is Katie Jo (12 or 13), she is a pure bred Schnauzer. We just got her... a close friend of our family just died in March from lung cancer so we took in her dog. We also have a cat named Mia (6) and 2 birds, Romeo and Juliet, that my niece gave us because she was moving and could not take them with her. I did not want these birds but I could not say "no" to my niece.

I am a manager at a call center. For the most part I like my job (shhh don't tell my boss I am working on this while I am at work). It's hard to be the boss sometimes. My boss is a nut case, I think (I am sure you will hear about her at some point). She tells me to do something, I do it and then when somebody complains to her she says "I don't know why she did that". It makes for a hard environment to work in sometimes. But on the other hand she has been so understanding with all I am going through and never gives me a hard time about taking time off for my infertility adventures or when I have had a miscarriage. In fact a lot of the time she tells me to leave and take more time off then I am asking for so I guess you have to take the good with the bad.

I am super organized! I mean if you asked me for a check I wrote or a bill from 3 years ago it or directions for the toaster (yes I keep the directions for everything) I will be able to find them in about 2 minutes or less and if I can't then within the next few days everything will be reorganized so the next time I will. I can't stand not finding things.

I am an over the top, obsessive worrier! I think I can probably thank infertility for most of this...but I can take the smallest thing and snow ball it into the end of the world tomorrow. It drive my DH crazy and for that matter it drives me crazy. I often feel like I have to think of every possible scenario and how I would handle it or what I will do, and that is an impossible and exhausting task!

I have abandonment issues because I hate to be alone and I have a fear of everyone leaving me.  Like I do not fear death for myself, I fear something horrible will happen to others around me (especially my husband).  It's crazy I know but especially with the friend of our family dying at the age of 50 from lung cancer, it has freaked me out. One day she was fine, no symptoms, and the next day she finds out she has stage 4 lung cancer and gone a year later. I do not understand how that can happen. It makes me want to run to the hospital for every little ache and pain. 

I have PCOS, insomnia, depression, and horrible arthritis in my back. Bascially I feel like I am a mess. If I feel like this at 34 I am afraid of what I will be like at 50, 60, or 70. I have 4 angels babies in heaven (read my earlier blogs regarding these stories) with the most recent being this past 07/03/08. My heart is once again broken and I am trying hard to mend it. That is why I started this blog and also to connect with people who were like me and know how I feel. I am currently on break from TTC, partly because I have to so I can preserve my sanity. I can not take another dissappointment at this moment and partly because I need to save money for IVF (not sure where I will get this from).

I am one that definitely wears her heart on her sleeve. If you ask me for my opinion I will give it to you. I am of the belief that if you don't want to know, don't ask and if you don't like me that's fine too, I have plenty of friends.

I like true genuine people. People who can be themselves, and not always have to put up a front. Those that realize the world does not owe anyone anything... We make our choices. I get along with all types of people but the ones I enjoy the most are the people who do not take themselves or life too seriously, but also know that life is not something to be taken for granted. They understand they are responsible for their own actions and how they affect the people and the world around them. I like people who have fun and can enjoy life. People who can laugh at themselves, life, and even me if they want. I like people who can find the humor in all situations, people who make me smile. I hope I can do the same for them.

I am self - described "reality" TV junkie, ( except dating shows and talent shows). My favorite non-reality shows are Lost and Heroes.  I love, love, love dolphins. Ribs are my favorite and my favorite restaurants are Tony Roma's and The Melting Pot.  Chocolate covered strawberries are my favorite dessert along with the best ice cream pie in the world (someday I will give you all the recipe). I love College football (especially U of M and hockey (Red Wings hockey to be exact). I also love to read, and my dream has always been to write childrens books.  Lillies are my favorite flower and I love to go to the lake with my friends but unfortunately we don't get to do this too much. I am not to much of the outdoorsy type because as you have read previously I hate bugs and I hate to be hot! I would much rather spend my time with my friends and family just hanging out then going to clubs or crazy parties. To me the most important thing above anything else is family and my friends. I love them and even though they can drive me crazy sometimes I don't know what I would do without them. They all have at one point or another saved me from insanity, and I have done the same for them. What more can you ask for?

So that's it...me in a nutshell...or me the Nut!