Thursday, May 21, 2009

Dear 18 year old me

I have seen this a few times on other blogs and have thought about it for a while. People writing a letter to their younger selves. What would I say? Well I think it is a good idea and apparently I have a lot to say...

Dear 18 year old me,

Wow you just turned 18. Savor this next year. So much is going to happen. First off tonight your grandmother is going to come over and yet again try to get you to make up with your father. Remember this is her son what else is she going to do, but also be prepared later she can do much worse. You will find out though that your mother is going to be quick to defend you, she wants you to have a happy night. Go mom! Enjoy your party tonight at the hotel but please do not waste it wishing you were with C. It is not worth it. You will love each other but not the love that will sustain a marriage, one that will always sustain a friendship and he will be there to get you through some of the worst times in your life. One day believe it or not he will be in your wedding. Your husband and he will be great friends.

Soon you are going to graduate high school. Cherish this time because most of these people will not be in your life later. They were great for this time in your life but your true friends will come later. You will miss a few, even now as I write this at 35 there are a couple I still wish were in my life and it is going to be hard to accept when people go their separate ways but you will also come to understand that it is what people do. Like I said your real life long friends will come later and they will be ones that will see you through everything. They will lift you when you are down, they will make you laugh and smile even when you think it is not possible.

You are going to enter college and the man you thought you would marry will break your heart but guess will see him later and realize it was the best thing that could have happened to you. I know you do not believe me now because he is one gorgeous man and he says all the right things but trust me it will be for the best!

Have fun for these first few months in college because on your 19th birthday your world is going to come crashing down on you. This is the one thing that I wish I could have you warn some people about so that it would not happen, but sadly I can not. You will not think that your family will survive...but you all WILL. You will all come out stronger people. Really...if you could see everything now you would be amazed how it all turns out. Luckily the day your world crashes your friends from High school will be on there way to celebrate your birthday and they will keep you from falling apart you will get really drunk and then they will take you home to see your family, even getting a speeding ticket in the process...sorry B but thanks.

The one thing I really need you to remember and it is very very important. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!! IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! The unfortunate thing is you will spend the next 10 years blaming yourself every day. Wishing there was something you could have done. What if you would have paid attention or noticed this or that but There is NOTHING you could of done. It breaks my heart to know you will go through that because I know that once you realize it wasn't your fault it is going to change your relationship for the better with your sis and you will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I only wish it would of happened sooner.

There will be a couple casualties (not literally). After have given your "father" a second chance he will yet again let you down in a big way and more importantly let your sister down in an even bigger way and even today you never have spoken or even seen him. It is sad that he won't be at your wedding but really you won't miss it at all! You do come to understand why he is the way is but you also know that you can not have that poison in your life because it just causes more heartache then necessary. Also due to their craziness, some REALLY BAD things they do and unyielding support of him you will never see or speak to you Aunt or grandmother again either. Really it is not a problem.

You will only have one short year away at college but it will be a lot of fun. Maybe try a little harder to remember dome actual classes and what you learned because just the other day your DH asks you what you remember from college and all you can recall is the endless guys and parties and getting drunk. PS don't do 20 shots of teq.uilla in an hour before you go the bar on a cold January night. it is a BAD idea and your elevators in your dorm are broken and it is a long 8 flights up.

When you get home you will get a job and on the day you start a guy will start on the same day. He will be the love of your life. I know when you meet him at first you will the think your 35 year old self must be writing a letter from the crazy house because he is really not your type but trust me on this one...He is the greatest man you will ever know! He will stick by you during some really bad times, when even you do not deserve such love and devotion. He will be your rock and your salvation. You can be yourself with him and he will still love you ( I know I must be crazy right?). Through him you will find out what love truely is and you will cherish him and love him with all your heart.

I would tell you to avoid some things that you did but really I don't know what you would have become if you had not gone through them. They made you who you, I, am today. You will think you are not going to come out of that either but trust me you will. Your DH, boyfriend at the time, will stick by you and you will become a much better person. It will be a long hard road back but you will get there.

When you are 26 you will finally get married. Do not fret to much that your sister gets married the year before you because in the end it really does not matter. Don't sweat the small stuff. Believe me you have much bigger things to sweat.

You will think that you have been through some hard times and now all roads must lead up but unfortunately this is not true because you are in for some much bigger heartache then you ever thought possible and considering all you have been through I know that is hard to believe.

You will start trying to have a baby immediately when you get married. After all you have already been together for 7 yrs why wait. Shhh don't tell anyone but actually after a "pregnancy scare" you will try before you get married. Boy if you knew what I know now it wouldn't have been much of a scare.

The key here is DON"T WAIT to find out why you can't get pregnant. Unfortunately you will for a bit longer then you should. It is all based in fear because you really don't want to know the truth. The truth is you will be diagnosed with PCOS. It is not fun at all but I won't bore you with all the details, you will find out soon enough.

You will find out that your sis gets pregnant before you and that will be crushing because you have been trying for so long and she is younger. But luckily you and her, after many years of not getting along, will be mending your relationship. Although you will be sad for yourself you will TRULY be happy for her and excited for baby Jos.ef to arrive! You become pregnant right after she does and you are so happy to be able to share pregnancy with her but the excitement will be short lived because you will lose that baby within 5-6 weeks. It will happen right on DH birthday and it will be devastating!

You heart will be broken but you WILL SURVIVE!!!! I will again not bore you with the details or scare you away but for the next 3 consecutive years you will lose one baby each time and each time you will think it is not possible for your heart to mend. You will think that it is too hard to go on and you will surely die from all the pain (but I don't mean you will think to kill yourself). What I really want you to know is that it is not true. You will go on. Some days will be harder then others but you WILL make it! And after your 4th loss you will find a community that finally understands what you feel like. You will find lots of friend that you have never met IRL that will offer unconditional love and support and know what it is like to be you. They have been through it too and some have been through much worse and will truly amaze you. My only wish is that you could find them sooner because they have changed my life.

Anyway, I wrote this letter not to scare you and not to try to change things but to let you know that you will go through some rough times but I really NEED you to know that you will come out a stronger person. Sometimes it will feel very unfair but always remember that through it all you still are a VERY blessed person! You will also experience some wonderfully HAPPY times but I do not want to spoil the surprise. You have an AMAZING husband! You have friends that many people wish they could have! You have a good job (although sometimes you hate it and times are tough in the industry right now). You have 2 dogs, 1 cat, and 2 birds (no it is not a zoo)who love you unconditionally and will make you smile everyday! You find a house that you really like and you will be amazed at how it happens. You have a wonderful family (although you may question your mothers sanity at times) and your best friend ends up being...I know you will never believe this...your sister (YES mom was right all along when you were younger) crazy huh! You have 2 nephews by the time you are 35 and they are just the light and joy of your heart. They too love you so very much and you are so happy to be their Aunt and have them in your life.

You will miss your angels so very much and you WILL think of them every day and wish they could be here. On the days that you are really down just remember you are are blessed...YOU ARE BLESSED!

So my naive 18 year old self who thinks everything will always work out and always be good. I just want you to know things may not always be good and they may not always work out they way you want but you will make it, have faith and I will be here to welcome you to 35. You are going to hate turning 35 but it is just a number. When you get here we will take a step towards the future and I am sure together we can figure out how to get that baby we want so bad.

I love you,
35 yr old you


Lollipop Goldstein said...

This made me bawl. If only you could send it back in time, what great advice you could have offered yourself.

Echloe said...

This was so sad. You've been through so much already. I wish we could all go back and give a little advice to our younger selves. How much I wish that I could have started TTC sooner. When I was younger and stronger.

G & H said...

Holy moly that was well written and oh how much i wish we could write ourselves letters at 18...the things i have learned since then but you hit it on the head they all make you who you are and stronger...

Thanks for sharing!

Sunny said...

Wow, that is a very powerful and hefty post. You have truly been through a lot, you have earned all the good things in your life. You are a strong person and I can't wait to see you become a mother.

Barb said...

Oh my goodness, you made me well up... esp the parts about your husband.

Lots of love to you two. I'm so glad you have that wonderful bond. I think people like us who have it are so incredibly lucky. I've come to believe that there aren't an abundance of us in the world.

JamieD said...

I made it onto your blog! Yay!

That is a great letter and really got me to thinking about my own 18 year old self.

Very beautiful and thought provoking.

Lavender Luz said...


And the next iteration: what might your 50 year old self say to your 35 year old self?

annacyclopedia said...

Good thing I'm alone in the office today, cause you've made me very weepy. Absolutely beautiful, and I'm so glad you can look back at everything and hold yourself with so much love.