Happy day...Sad day

So today is DH birthday! To my rock, the love of my life, and the greatest man I have ever known...Happy Birthday! I love you so much. I do not know what I would do without you.

Today, also happens to be the anniversary of my first loss. The first time that all my dreams for what life would be, came crashing down around me. It was a day I will never forget. I am just so sorry it also happens to be on DH birthday. What a crappy reminder!

It is hard to pretend like today is just a happy day and we need to celebrate, but I do it. I do it for him because he deserves it. He deserves a day to not talk about or think about the fact that our dreams may never come true. He deserves for today NOT to be a reminder that 5 years ago was one of the worst days of our lives. That I did not drop to my knees when I got the phone call and screamed louder then I thought possible, BEGGING for it to not be true! We won't talk about how I dragged him to the hospital that day because I did not want to believe it! I wanted someone else to tell me that the doctor was ALL WRONG! So I dragged him to the hospital and sat there for hours only to be told that they could not see anything. They said it was probably too early as I was only 6 weeks. (I did not tell them that I was already told I had a miscarriage). When they told me, they probably wondered why I burst into tears. It is because I knew the truth...

We won't talk about that today. Today will be a day for him. A day that we celebrate the man I LOVE MORE THEN ANYTHING!!

Tomorrow we will remember and be sad...


xxooxxoo

It is Friday Night!

So it is Friday night and what do I a 30 something young ;0 woman have on my exciting agenda tonight. I mean since I have no children I must be planning an extravagant trip to some exotic island or planning an elaborate party for all us "child free" folks. The ones that are laughing at all you suckers...I mean parents out there who have to worry about things like a (gasp) babysitter (note the major sarcasm that you can't hear in my head...but it is there trust me!). Not me you all...My big plans...sitting at home watching a movie...by myself. Depressing isn't it?

Not only do I not get the blessing of children but I get the blessing of having finances like a family of 5 with a budget of a family of 2. It really sucks! I don't get to enjoy this time. It really bugs me! Anyway, tonight DH is going for a sleep study. He has had this referral from his doctor for over a year now but he finally is doing it. I am excited because maybe they can help his HORRIFIC snoring problem and then maybe I can spend an actual whole entire night in my own bed. AHHH to dream...it would be so nice! You see since I am not working right now I am the nice wife and I go out on the couch so I do not have to hit him every 5 minutes to tell him to SHUT UP or ROLL OVER (which never works). So here is hoping that all goes well. I was suppose to go for this sleep study as well. The problem is, I am not sure what they would study since my problem is terrible insomnia. They want you to come in from 9:00 to 6:00. So basically they would study me for an hour or two. Who can fall asleep at 9:00?   Well I do know one person...DH...but that is only because he gets up at 3:00am.

So does anyone have any big Friday night or weekend plans? Tell me and then maybe I can live vicariously through you...

xxxooo

The Story of Us

In honor of our anniversary yesterday I thought I would tell our story.

My husband and I both started working at the pizza shop on the same day. He is 7 years older then me and while I thought he was a nice guy I never really was very interested in him. We hung out together because everyone at the pizza place always hung out. We went to the bar after work. We played cards, shot pool...stuff like that. Well one day in July my boss was standing next to me and he was across the room and she said..."if you don't ask her out I am going to do it for you!" I was thinking what the hell is she talking about. A few minutes later he came over and asked me out. I said "yes" but I really just did it to be nice. I thought we would go on 1 date and then that would be the end of it.

We ended up going on a couple dates and then he was talking about my birthday which would be n February. I remember thinking...:I don't know what he is talking about. I am not going to be with him in 7 months." Then he basically started staying at my apartment every night. He kept his place with his brother but we pretty much lived together right away.

He did not want to get married ever. He said he had bad examples as a kid and did not want his to turn out that way. I waited. After about 5 years I told him..." Either we are getting married some day or we are ending our relationship. I am not going to waste any more time with someone who does not want to get married. If that is not something you ever want to do then just tell me." A couple weeks later he asked me to marry him.

We had a long engagement because we had to pay for the wedding ourselves. We had a small (80 people) wedding and it was nice. I liked it that way because then I could spend the time with the people in my life that I cared about the most. Planning a wedding was so stressful! I hated it and was so glad when it was over!

We went to Orl.ando for our honeymoon because they had just opened a place where you could swim the dolphins and that is where I wanted to go. We did not quite think ahead because we should have booked that place long before we went because when we got there we could not get in. We both love amusement parks so we had a blast in Or.lando anyway except one thing...IT WAS FREAKIN' HOT!!!!

Naively I thought I would get pregnant on my honeymoon and all would be happy ever after but as we all know that did not happen. Here we are 9 years later in the same place with a 4 losses behind us but would I trade it and be with someone else...NEVER!

My husband is the GREATEST man I have ever known! We perfectly balance each other out. Where I am stressed and on edge. He is calm and collected. Where I am emotional he can be logical. He makes me laugh and feel secure. It truly amazes me every day that we found each other. I think going through all this crap has made us stronger and better together. I love him with all my heart and soul and I never ever want to be with anyone else and I KNOW he feels the same about me.

Happy Anniversary!!! I love you!

Back to our regular scheduled programming

Ok I think we got the problem. I am feeling about 70% better. I was so excited that I felt better I went al out this weekend. Hubby and I had a great weekend. We went to the casino and won 2 days in a row and we went to the Red Wings Playoff game and they won. I found a FABULOUS bakery that had all kinds of goodies. So all in all it was a good weekend. Not to mention a lot less pain.

Today I went back to work. I have been wanting to go because I have been sick of sitting on my couch in my cocoon all day but now that I am feeling better I really did not want to go back. Today was a long day because I had to go through about 7000 emails and get set back up for virtually everything because they deactivated me. It was weird because when I am there it feels like same old same old everyday but being gone I realized how much everything changes on a daily basis. Almost everything changed while I was gone so I will spend the next few days trying to learn how to do all the new systems along with all the STUPID rules they decided to implement while I was gone. Also they changed my whole teams seats to the other side of the building. I no longer have my beautiful view. I knew they were going to move and before I left I sat down with my boss and came up with a great seating plan to which they proceeded to COMPLETELY change while I was gone. I think they were just waiting for that chance. Oh well I guess that is what I get for being gone for 2 months. With the way things change at my company I probably won't have to wait long for it to change again.

So I am happy to be back to normal. My hubby picks me up for work and says he is going to take the rest of the week off. I say why? he says I need a break. I say why didn't you do that while I was off? He says..."THAT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN A VACATION"... what a funny, funny man I am married to.

I do have to say Thank you to him because he did so much for me while I was laid up and with virtually no serious complaints. he is a wonderful man I thank God for him everyday. I love you hunny!

Soon it will be on to fertility once again. From one frying pan to the next. Gotta love it!

2009 is here!

My dear friend 2009,

I have been looking forward to you for a while now. Much like I did your evil twin 2008 or your cousins 2007, 2006, and 2005. They did not live up to my expectations. On several occasions they rally pissed me off as a matter of fact. So I am sending you a note as kind of a warning so you will not make the same mistakes as they did. For example (and I will use 2008 for more recent examples), when I am taking injections and do a trigger shot it is really not a good April fools joke to give me kidney stones at the EXACT time I am suppose to "do it"...really not funny at all. Also, and even worse still do not then let me find out I am pregnant as kind of a fluke only to find out the next day that I am having a miscarriage and then 2 days later find out it is another ectopic. This is not exactly my idea of a great time. Another good thing to avoid would be the taking of any lives of any of my family, extended family, or friends. These people are very important to me and I would like them all to stay around. On the job front I would like to avoid the roller coaster ride that was 2008 and just have everything calm down. The wondering all the time if I will have a job or not can really be exhausting. As a side note to this my dearest 2009 if you could find a way to throw some extra money my way I would very much appreciate it. I have a lot of things coming up such as taxes, my lease is expiring and I will probably need IVF so I could really use some extra funds. If the extra funds for IVF is a little too much then please just have the last round of injections I am planning work with a live baby resulting from said injections. If that happens then 2009 you and I can become the best of friends.

So in closing 2009 I have heard some good things about you. Your refrences have all been good. I have high hopes for you and I do not want to have to be talking to your supervisor, 2010, about what a crappy job you did. So lets work together to make this a happy and enjoyable year. Thank you.

Love always,

To Baby and Beyond



So it's finally 2009. It's 1:30 and I home in my pajamas already. Man I think I am getting old. There was a time that we would just be really getting started but tonight it was like we all could not wait for midnight. Don't get me wrong we had a BLAST tonight. I ate and I ate and I ate some more then we played my new found love "Gui.tar He.ro". Seriously tomorrow I am trying to get this for my PS2.

Anyway, as I have said many times before I am so happy it is 2009 but tonight when I was saying goodnight to DH (poor guy has been up since 2:30 am...he was tired). I said the usual I love you and was walking away. Some how at that moment my heart told me that was not enough so I said " I am truly a lucky person to have found you. I mean in all of this world you are the one that makes me happy. We have been through some tough times but they have made us stronger. It has made us love each other deeper and for that I am truly thankful". To that being the oh so romantic person he is he said "yeah I know". We laughed and now he is sawing logs.

But tonight I felt really deeply how much I love him. How much I really am looking forward to spending another year with him, whether all my dreams come true or not I will always know that one of them did come true about 15 years ago and for that I am so blessed.

What did you just say?

This weekend I was spending time with my mom and my sister. We had a good time laughing and talking.

Anyway, we started talking about funny things you said such as, I forever thought the words "wind chill" used in the winter to describe how fricken cold it gets here, was actually "wind shield" until my husband noticed and started laughing at me and told me what it really was. Seriously, that is what it sounds like...I'm sure others have made the same mistake...right? anyone? Ok maybe I'm alone in that...but my sister had one much better. We were driving and it was so funny that I almost had to pull over in a parking lot because I was laughing so hard I thought we would get in an accident.

Now, she is going to kill me for telling everyone, but it is so funny. She says that her husband and her are driving in the car with the radio on, and the song "Natural Woman" by Aretha Franklin came on and she started singing until her husband turns down the radio and says "what did you just say?". L said "I instantly knew I sang the wrong words"...and oh yes she did. I said what were they, and I did not expect these words at all. She says "well I know now that it says 'you make me feel like a natural woman'". I said "yes but what did you think it said?" L: "Promise you won't tell anyone?" Me & mom: "Sure, just tell us"...L: "I thought it said ' you make me feel like a man but your a woman'" Me:"Whaaaaaat? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAH...
that does not make any sense!" L: "I know but I thought that is what it said". So now my mom and I have been telling everyone...when she made us promise she didn't tell us how funny it was. It's a good thing she doesn't know about this blog. I'm sure you all won't tell.

But, so I do not just tell others embarrassing stories I will tell one of mine...

My DH loves all kinds of music, from country to hard rock, from classical to rap, he listens to everything. He also goes to a million concerts. Him and his friend go all the time, well not recently but they go a lot! Anyway, one day a couple years ago I am going through our finances and I notice there is $100 missing so I go to DH and ask where the money went and he says
"I bought corn tickets."
Me: "Corn tickets?"
DH: "Yes, I told you I was getting them"
Me: " Uh, no you didn't."
DH: getting upset " I told you last week"
Me: "Nooo, I would remember corn tickets!"
DH: " I told you I was going with S! I hate it when you don't listen to me!"
now we are starting to yell at each other...
Me: " I don't even like corn! "
DH: "But I do and I wanted the tickets! You don't have to like everything I like!"
here is the kicker...
Me: "Is there some kind of shortage on corn, where we need to get tickets to purchase it and stand in some line...like they are rationing corn?"
DH: "What???????" laughing hysterically now "KoRn, is a band you dork!" "How old are you anyway?"
Me: "Ohhhh...that makes so much more sense!"

So what is yours? What phrase, song, or embarrassing mistake did you make? Come on, share with the group...we won't be laughing at you, we will be laughing with you...and I promise we won't tell anyone.... We could all use a good laugh! :)

Oh, look dandelions....

What a wonderful husband I have... I think I may take for granted how truly lucky I am sometimes. It is not in the major things but it's the kind gestures and his patience and kindness. I need to remember how great he is to me.

Today we did our normal routine of him coming home on lunch and driving me to work. When I got to work I found out I had a meeting at my normal lunch time and I called him to ask what we could work out since I needed to leave for lunch. He said he would come over at 12:00 and then I could drive him back to work and then when he got off he would walk across the street and get the car. Now this isn't a normal street, it is actually a 6 lane highway but anyway. So I drove him back and realized I did not have my keys so he said just use his and put the keys in the glove box because he would be off in less than an hour and he will get the car then. Ok..."Don't forget...leave the door unlocked" he said.

Well, as you probably guessed I forgot. I put the keys in the glovebox and then my mind wandered...you know kind of like the cheese commercial for happy California Cows. The cow says "Im going to win this race...I'm going to do it...I can do it...oh look dandelions" and then the race is over. I said to myself "Don't lock the keys in the car...don't lock the keys in the car...Oh I wonder what this stupid meeting is going to be about at 1:00..." then I hit the car lock and shut door. About 10 minutes later I thinkto myself..."I don't remember if I locked the door or not."

I called DH and warned him that I might, maybe just maybe, forgot to keep the doors open. He said I hope not but we will see when I get there. I said I would go down to check but he said don't worry about it. Needless to say when he got there the doors were locked. He called his mom and she was getting off work at 2:00 so he walked 4 miles so she could give him a ride home so he could get the other set of keys.

When I called him when my meeting was over I was apologizing like crazy...I felt so bad he had to go through all this because I was an airhead. But you know what...he was not even what bit upset or annoyed with me. He didn't berate me or make me feel guilty.  He said 'don't worry it's probably God's way of telling me I need excercise". How great is that? I would like to think I would have reacted the same, been nice and understanding, patient and kind, but if I really want to be honest...I would have probably tried to make him feel guilty all night. I mean I wouldn't have yelled and screamed, after all it was an accident,  but I wouldn't have been so patient. How bad am I? This is something I need to work on, Patience. Although it seems whenever I pray for God to give me patience I seem to get it, but not the way I want to learn it. I get it by the most annoying person, place, or thing crossing my path. It's a "be careful what you wish for" type of thing. 

But the next time when he does something that irritates me I need to remember this. I need to remember his patience...remember this moment...remember husband was very understanding...remember....remember...oh look dandelions....