Taking the leap

Well I think it is time. It is time for me to get back in the game. I have been out long enough. I have taken my break. I think mentally I am ready. But also I am scared. It has been nice to not worry every month what is going to happen. To not make a million doctors appointments, to get frustrated when it doesn't work, or worse yet it does work and then it goes south.

It probably is going to take a month or so to get into the doctor but I think I am going to do it. I am going to make that simple phone call that I have been delaying for a looong time. I mean I did have a good excuse for a while with my back being all messed up, but now I have to jump back in with both feet. Really it isn't going to be for much because I am going to try one more round of injections. We are going to add progesterone and see if that makes a difference. Hopefully it makes a difference because otherwise I am going to be in for another looong wait because I am going to have to save for IVF. But hopefully I will be getting out of a car lease soon. My plan is to buy a car for cash that I can afford. Which by the way... won't be much. Then I can save this ridiculous 600.00 car payment ( I know, right?) I have and hopefully soon have enough for IVF. That is the plan anyway.

Actually, the real plan is that the injections with progesterone will work and I won't have to worry about IVF. I think I have been putting it off because I am really scared the injections won't work. I need them to work! But first I am going to meet with Dr. Positive and probably do a laparoscopy. I want to do that to check everything out before waisting anymore time, energy and money. Also my OB said I should get one due to unexplained pain and tenderness. Then once that is done we will do the injections and then IVF.

But I have to make the call. I have to pick up the phone, dial the oh so familiar numbers, deal with the crazy nurse who I do NOT like, I have to make an appointment, I have to take time off work, and I have to go in and get this game started. I think I am ready, I think I am prepared for all it is going to take but even typing this makes my heart beat fast. I have to do it. Time is passing me by. I am not getting any younger. I think I am ready...ready for the anxiety, ready for the time, ready for the worry, ready for the hope, and most importantly and hopefully, ultimately ready for the joy.

Wish me luck because I am going to jump. I am hoping it is a soft landing.

Where is my "B.ail O.ut"?

I am stressed! I am trying to save money and it is not working out very well. All these people keep wanting money from me month after month after month! Don't these people (car, house, electricity) know that I want to have a baby. I need this money more then they do I mean I am not getting a "b.ail o.ut". Where is my "b.ail o.ut"? Why can't I say "um, look I don't think I am going to be able to pay you right now. Check with me in a couple of months and will see where we are. Great . Thanks!" Or I propose that everyone gets a month free of all bills every year. I know, I know they will just hike everything for the rest of the months. But my blog, my dream! And in that dream they would have to keep everything the same for every other month but you would just get to pick a month of no bills. Yea I think that is a good idea...I think I will write my congressman, maybe the president. 

Dear Mr President,

We ALL need a "b.ail o.ut". blah, blah, blah. Thanks...I knew you would agree. 

Sincerely, 

Baby makin' isn't as easy (or as cheap) as you think.

Or maybe a petition. I bet I could get a lot of signatures. It's just my money coming in and my money going out are not adding up currently. At the rate I am going I am going to be "on break", saving for IVF, FOREVER! I do not have forever...I am not getting any younger (if I could only figure out how to make that happen I would be rich. Hey maybe I am on to something this may be better then the "b.ail o.ut" idea...hmmm again my blog my dream). I know I am not alone in this but today I am wallowing in my brokeness. Oh well, now I am off to play the lottery...

Frustrated in Michigan

I'm getting sick of diagnosing myself. It seems doctors don't really have a clue. Have you ever watched Medical Mysteries on Discovery Health.  People have serious health issues and they search and search for many years (sometimes 20 years or longer), until 1 doctor says oh yes I know what it is and you are lucky you got here when you did. WTF? We are suppose to trust our doctors...isn't that what they get the big bucks for? Yet time and again I am the one that has to say what about this? what about that?

4 years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS. I knew I had it for many years prior to that. I mean I am the poster child for this wonderful health, infertility, related problem. Symptoms: 

missed periods----check

infertility --- double check

oily skin --- check

dandruff --- check

weight gain (hard to lose) ---double check

insulin resistance - -- check

high cholesterol --- check

anxiety --- check

depression --- check

skin tags --- check (although I do not know what these look like but my dr says I have them)

thinning hair --- check

hair in unwanted places --- check

sleep apnea--- Ahhh the one thing I don't have

(for more PCOS info go to soulcysters.com they have alot of good info.)

Sounds like a barrel of laughs doesn't it? So, with all this it still took 3 doctors and 4 years to be diagnosed. I mean really? Come on? Maybe I should get a medical degree. 

Now, after my 4th lost baby I was reading that many women with PCOS need to have progesterone to support their pregnancy in the beginning. I knew previously about progesterone but did not realize it was something I should look into further...I mean surely my doctor would have mentioned something...I have had a history of not being able to carry a baby past 8 weeks.  So, in my latest appointment with my RE I mention this and he says 'We can try it" I don't think it's a problem for you though. He said we can make adjustments and try doing just the injectibles with progesterone again before going to IVF. Are we just throwing shit against the wall and hoping something sticks? Doesn't seem to scientific.  It seems to me we should have tried this from the get go. What I read said that by the time you find out progesterone is the problem its too late for the pregnancy to do anything about it. It makes me angry. I don't know if this is the problem but hopefully this will work and I won't have to go to IVF.  

Don't get me wrong I do really like my RE. He is the 3rd one I have been to and he is a very kind and compassionate doctor. When I have had my losses I really do feel he is grieving with me. He has been very positive about my ability to be able to have a baby (which is something I need because I am definitely not positive about it) and I don't want to change RE's at this point. Am I being stupid? I have a lot invested here but sometimes it just seems like they are just guessing. Maybe that's what they are doing I mean I have had some things happen such as the cervical ectopic pregnancy, happen that are rare but sometimes it just gets frustrating.  

I am hopeful that maybe this whole progesterone thing has been the problem all along, but then if it is I feel like I may have had all these unnecessary miscarriages and gone through an unnecessary hell...and that is just plain sad and unfair!!!

Anyway, I am not going to try the injectibles for a couple months because I still need to take a couple months off since the last miscarriage but maybe just maybe I won't have to worry about IVF. IVF scares me not only because of the cost but because it feels like the end of the road. If that doesn't work what am I left with? I have had enough trouble accepting not getting pregnant, I just can't imagine investing $10-15,000 and it not working. 

This whole thing just frustrates the hell out of me!