Thursday, December 31, 2009

Letter to the Old and New Year

Dear 2009,

   You suck! Therefore I will no longer be needing your services. As of today you need to pack your things and get out. I thought your cousins 2008, 2007, and 2006 were bad but you found a way to top them when I did not think it was possible. The only good thing I can say about you is that you managed to not let me have any miscarriages this year and for that I thank you. That is all the thanks you will get from me. I do not want to see or here from you after today. Get out and stay out. Thank you!


To Baby and Beyond

Dear 2010,

   Your new job will be effective tomorrow. I have great expectations for you. And since I have not told the previous years EXACTLY what I expected from then and therefore they ended in nothing but crap, I am going to tell you EXACTLY what is expected.

1. Pregnancy, for me, that will end in a live baby!
2. A new job that I will be happy at and perferably where I can make some good money.
3. My back to get better.
4. My animals to be fine.
5. Last but not least...Much health and happiness for me, my family and my friends including my bloggy friends.

If you can not live up to these expectations...well that is just to bad because you ill have to figure out a way. I am sick of the promises from the previous years not being fullfilled and so therefore there will be severe consequences.

I look forwarded to meeting you tomorrow. Make a plan tonight because starting tomorrow you have a lot of work to do. Thank you!

 To Baby and Beyond

I hope you all have a very safe and Happy New Year! I will be back to the blogging thing after the new year!


Monday, December 21, 2009

Merry Christmas

I haven't been much in a blogging mood lately. I have just been trying to get ready for Christmas and hanging out. We got our first snow over the weekend. Nothing big like on the east coast so I am very happy about that. I am just surprised that it took so long to get snow. Maybe we will get a white Christmas. Anyway, I do not really have a lot to say right now. So I just wanted to send everyone a Very Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays. I hope you have a safe and Happy Holiday. Enjoy the time with your family. Thank you for all your kind words and support this year. I really do not know what I would do with out you!

I will talk to you all after Christmas!


Friday, December 18, 2009

A Beautiful Award

The lovely Sunny at Sunny in Seattle has nominated me for the Beautiful Blogger Award.

Beautiful Blogger Award Pictures, Images and Photos

Thank you Sunny! I truly think you are beautiful too! I am so excited about you twins and I am praying that everything goes well for the rest of your pregnancy! You deserve it!

On to the rules:

It is simple...Post seven things about myself, and pass the award along to seven beautiful bloggers.

Lets see if I can come up with 7 things you might not know about me. If you already know then sorry for the repeat.

1. I am totally addicted to Hidden object and Time Management games. I could play them for hours and hours. They are mindless and VERY addicting!

2. I have never been a cook at all! In fact most of our lives together my husband has done pretty much all the cooking! (Thank you hubby) But now that I have been unemployed I have started cooking. It is not as bad as I thought it was. While I still do not love it,  I am getting much better at it and I think DH likes the break. (although he still does cooking, I am doing more and more).

3. My favorite thing to eat for breakfast is bagels with cheez whiz (healthy I know). My dad used to make these when I was younger and I loved them. I have done it ever since. I have never seen or heard of any one else doing this and usually people give me a weird look but they are oh so yummy!

4. I have never been without a dishwasher in my whole life. Except college but that does not count since we never used dishes there...everything was eaten in pizza boxes or fast food containers. Anyway, my dishwasher broke a couple weeks ago and this whole washing dishes by hand is really getting on my nerves. I hate it! I know I heard a collective gasp go around the world at the inhumanity of it all. Cue the violins now. LOL

5. One of my favorite things about Christmas time is the movies. I absolutely LOVE Christmas movies. I could watch them forever, but only for the month of December. After that I am over it. They are always heartwarming and have a happy ending. So many movies through the year don't so it is a nice change.

6. I hate pretty much every vegetable known to man except green beans, onions, potatoes and green and red peppers. My mom never liked them (except corn) so after my dad moved out it was not something we had very much of growing up. It makes for quite a problem when you are trying to lose weight. I really wish I liked them and I try to force myself but YUCK!!!

7. I have lived in my house for 6 years and still do not have pictures or anything on my living room or bedroom walls. I have not found the exact right thing so they still sit bare. Its sad.

Now on to the other Beautiful Bloggers. Hmmm so many to choose from: All these are not only Beautiful Bloggers but Beautiful women. They all are strong, beautiful people whose words make me laugh, cry and inspire me every day. Thank you ladies I do not know what I would do without you!

1. In Due Time 

 2. Building Heavenly Bridges -  

3. Life, Love & Persuit of our Fairytale

4. An Unwanted Path

5. Stacey's Thoughts On Infertility

6. Life and Love in the Petri Dish

7.  So it Goes


Monday, December 14, 2009

Coming Soon

I hope everyone had a great weekend. Mine was pretty good. Went to my sisters house and played cards. I bet you did not know that UNO can become a blood thirsty game. We were pretty viscious during the game but we had fun. Sunday DH and I just laid around and watched movies. It was a good day.

My sister usually gets these picture books made regularly. They are really nice keepsakes because the pictures are embedded into the page and they are made into a book. I really like them. So she got a couple made for the Summer and Halloween. No.ah said he wanted to tell me a story. So he brought me the books. The Halloween one he was very good telling me all about where he was and where all the pictures were taken but then he got to the summer book and he kept pointing out Jo.ey and saying "there is No.ah feeding the giraffe". I would say that is not No.ah that is Jo.ey and then he would look at me and say "then where's me?" while shrugging his shoulders and holding up his hands. It cracked me up. Also you should hear how he says patty cake. It is just the cutest thing in the world!

Now to the Coming Soon part...

Anyway, recently I was contacted by Ashley from CNS stores. They have a lot of online stores. Several of the choices are, or  That is not all. They offer pretty much everything from dining room furniture to to home improvement and everything in between. Well, they contacted me to do a review of something from one of their sites. It took a while since there were so many choices but I chose one and soon I will be posting my honest review of one of their products. So look for it on my blog and thanks Ashley and CNS stores for the opportunity.

Talk to you soon!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


Almost exactly a year ago I wrote this post. I think this year I can pretty much just say "ditto" and be done with it. Still no baby bump and in fact I have had one of the crappiest years I can remember in a long time.

Christmas time is here again and I do not have any great announcement to make. No relief to be felt that this will be our last childless Christmas. I feel this year I am further away then ever. How can I have gone through this for 9, almost 10 years, and feel further from my goal today then I did last year. It is frustrating to say the least. To watch, what seems like everyone, move on...have their dreams come true...yet here I can sit and read a post from a year ago and still be in the same place or further back. ( I know not everyone. I know there are many of you just like me. I am so sorry for that.)

Maybe I should try reverse psychology on 2010. Maybe I should wish for the worst year ever and then maybe the opposite will happen. At least if I wish for the worst year ever, anything that happens remotely good will be a step up, and I won't be disappointed.


Thursday, December 3, 2009

The new Fertility test?

Not much going on with me this week. It has been uneventful and overall boring. My big problem this week is I think I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from my cat throwing up on my head. In the morning she likes to drive me crazy. She always comes and stands over my head and meows and meows until I wake up. She basically wants me to get up so she can lay in my spot. Anyway, she has done this for as long as I can remember but now every time I wake up and see her standing at my head I jump. I have nightmares that I hear her doing it again and I startle myself awake. I keep trying to tell myself that we have had her for 8 yrs and she never did it before. That it was a 1 time accident but it has been very traumatizing. Oh well, hopefully I get over it soon. It is not a good way to wake up.

Tomorrow, I am going over to my mother's and we are having our annual slumber party and watching Whi.te Chr.istmas. This is our favorite movie so we do this every year. It should be fun. The bad part comes the next day when I told her I would help her out with a craft show she is doing. I hate doing these things but when she asked me and I felt like I could hardly say no since I am not working. They are the most boring things. It would be different if I had something that I could sell to make money but sadly I don't. I also wish I had money so that I could buy things while I was there but, again, sadly I do not. Hopefully the day will go by fast.

So that is going to be my weekend. Anyway, has anyone seen the new Resp.onse test that will tell you if you are able to get pregnant? Has anyone used it? I was curious because now that I am getting, eh hem, older I am worried about my ovarian reserve. Basically the test only tests your FSH level. This will tell you if it is elevated which means you may have a low ovarian reserve. That is the ONLY thing it will tell you. So just because it says everything is ok in that aspect it does not mean that there are not a million other things that could prevent you from getting pregnant. I think that is the problem with this test. If you watch the commercials and you are not educated in the whole infertility business such as we infertiles are, it may give you a false sense that everything is ok when really you should see a specialist.

Anyway, I just wanted to try it because I wanted to see what it said about my FSH levels since I have not been to my RE in forever and it is not looking good for the near future. I am also afraid to use it because I am afraid it will say the levels are elevated and then I will have more crap to worry about. I guess it would be good to know now rather then later but it still makes me nervous. The last time I talked to my RE he said my FSH levels were absolutely fine but now it is 15 mos. later. So has anyone used this? heard about it? I am just curious...

Hope you all have a great weekend!


Sunday, November 29, 2009

Thanksgiving, gross stuff, and funny things kids say

Well, I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. Mine was ok at the in laws. Not as many children there. There were 2 babies and 1 5 year old. The youngest one is a few months old. He is the quietest baby I have every seen in my life. You barely even know that he is there. The dinner, as usual, always comes out cold. I do not get it. Last year they did good and everything was nice and hot but this year they went back to cold mashed potatoes and stuffing and gravy that looks like water...YUCK! I really do not like going over there for dinner for that reason. Other then that it was nice.

My Thanksgiving morning however, was not nice at ALL! I woke up to my cat literally throwing up on my head! Yes, you read that correctly. She threw up on my HEAD!! I woke up at the last minute and tried to stop her and put my arm up to stop any more from hitting my head and then it went down my arm to which I screeched and shook my hand and then it went all over the place. It had to be the most disgusting thing I have ever had happen to me. She is a little cat but I can not even believe how much came out of her. It took all of me not to puke myself. So I ran and jumped in the shower while hubby cleaned it up from every where else. I know it is not her fault but she is lucky I did not instantly make her an outside cat. It was definitely not the way you want to wake up on Thanksgiving morning...or any morning for that matter.

So before I say good bye for today, I want to leave on a funny note and not on a disgusting note (even though you may find the above funny). So my nephew, No.ah, the other day is going around his house saying " I have boobies, I have boobies". My sis tells him to get on the phone and tell me what he is saying. He gets on the phone and tells me the same, "I have boobies Aunt Shell". I start cracking up. My sis says that the other day he was saying "I want boobies". They were laughing because they could not figure out what he was saying. So they asked Jo.ey. What he was really saying, "I want smoothies" and "I have smoothies". Meaning he had yogurt smoothies to eat. That is just too cute!

Anyway that is all I have for now.


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I will Choose to be Thankful!

I spend a lot of time complaining on this blog. What else is an infertility blog for? If I can't complain here then where can I? Right?!

For today, though, I am going to choose to be Thankful! I have had a tough year. What could go wrong, did. I am not going to complain about that right now. I am going to focus on the positive.

I am thankful that I have gone more then a year without a miscarriage. (We won't mention it is because I have not been to my RE for that whole time.) I am glad for the break. It did help me but I am now so ready to get back in...if only I could find the money.

I am thankful that I have insurance. It has been a life saver this year with all the back problems and stuff.  (We won't mention that they are canceling this insurance so I will not have fertility coverage come January). Although the medical is still expensive, I am thankful that I am able to go to the doctor when I need.

I am thankful that I no longer have to be in that hell hole I called a job. (I will forget the fact that I was back stabbed by people that I thought were my friends and I got fired at the worst possible time with the economy the way it is). I am thankful that I was able to get unemployment and my husband works hard and barely doesn't complain.

I am thankful that my animals, Sammy, Mia, and Juliet are all healthy and doing well. (Not to mention we lost my beautiful dog Katie Jo or my other bird Romeo and we miss them so so much). I love that they are always happy to see me and love me unconditionally.

I am thankful for a roof over my head, food in my mouth, and heat to keep me warm this winter. ( I won't talk about how much of a struggle it is to keep those things) We are making it work. No matter how hard things are, there are so many people that have it so much worse.

I am thankful for family, friends, and you all. You all have stuck by me in tough times and brought smiles to my face when I did not think I knew how. (No sarcasm here). Thank you all so much!

So tomorrow is a day of thanks. It is a day that family and friends gather together and eat lots of yummy food. I will gather with my in laws and remember, even though there will be a million babies, and everyone will focus there attention to them or the fact that my MIL is fighting with her brother. All kidding and sarcasm aside I will tryto remember how blessed I am. For one day I will focus on all that is good. Tomorrow I will CHOOSE to be happy and thankful for all that I have instead of the things I don't...

I hope...

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Why I am open about my infertility journey

The short answer...because that is who I am. I am pretty much an open book. You can tell how I feel just by looking on my face. I wear my emotions like a giant mood ring. So if I am excited about a possible pregnancy or treatment or I am devastated by a recent loss...there is no hiding it and there is only so many excuses I can come up with that people are actually going to believe or that would not cause worse problems down the road.

The longer never know when you might meet someone that has all the answers you have been seeking or may give you a different way to look at things that you had not thought of before. A couple examples I have...

After my first miscarriage, I was out of work for a few weeks. I had told EVERYONE that I was pregnant. After 4 years of trying to get pregnant I finally had made it out of the hell hole I call IF. I thought I could put all that behind me like it was a bad nightmare. I remember walking with my mother into a store and we were talking about someone else who was going through the same thing. I was thinking "Phew that is not me anymore." (Little did I know the horror had just begun). Anyway, needless to say I was EXCITED! So of course then everyone had to find out that I lost the baby. This has never been a problem for me. I could no more keep my excitement about a pregnancy or devastation about a loss a secret then I could not breathe. Like I said, it is who I am and though sometimes, after going through this 4 times, I wish I had not spread the news, in the long run the support I receive is worth it.

So after my 1st miscarriage I went back to work and it was my first day. I was going up in the elevator and in walked someone that I could not stand! We never saw eye to eye and it seemed every time we spoke it ended in someone rolling there eyes, being sarcastic and walking away. So lets just say she was the LAST person I wanted to see!!! Here I am trying to psych myself into facing my friends and now I have to deal with someone I do not like on top of it. (Funny as it may seem I never thought about dealing with those people). I had my head down because I was trying to will the tears back in, telling myself I could make it through the day and I felt a hand come on my shoulder and I looked up and there she was with tears in her eyes, honest, sincere tears streaming down her face. She reached out and gave me one of the biggest hugs and said, " Hun, I am just so sorry you lost your baby. He or she knows how much you love them and I am sorry that not everyone will always get a chance to see that. My heart is broken for you and if you need anything please let me know."  It was one of the kindest words I have ever heard spoken to me following a miscarriage and it came from someone I was sure would care less. From that day on we were friends.

Another example...after my last miscarriage I decided to go get some highlights and low lights in my hair. I had never colored my hair or anything but I wanted a change. I wanted something that would make me feel good and take my mind off of things. So I went to the salon and I was there for 6 hrs. There was only 1 person there trying to do everyone that came in and it took FOREVER! Anyway, at one point an older lady was sitting next to me and we started talking. Some how I found myself spilling the story of the last 8 yrs of my life and why I was there getting my hair done.To which she told me of her story and the 3 losses she had and how she ended up adopting after 15 yrs  of trying, because they did not have the advances they had today. She was inspiring to me. She, a complete stranger, was kind, made me laugh, and also made me feel lucky that today I have many more options available to me. She made me realize that as insensitive and stupid sometimes people are that I was happy that I was in the year 2008, and that even though there is much more education on the subject that needs to be done, things are a lot better now.

I have many examples I could give of the unlikely places I have found support. The times I have been reassured that I am at the right RE because of all the people I have found that have used him and now have kids. Although, most of the time it feels lonely in this journey I have found by sharing my story there are many people that have been on this journey with me or before me. They have made it and so can I. I also have met people that may not have been on this journey but seem to know exactly the right thing to say which sometimes can make up for the ones that don't. So for me, even though there are downfalls to sharing some of these intimate details of my life, the rewards far out weight the risks. Plus, me being who I am could not hide it even if I wanted to, so it just makes it easier.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Show and Tell (kids pictured)

Here are a couple pictures from when I was babysitting on Saturday. They both thought it was so much fun to pretend like they were driving. Apparently, Michigan law has changed because jo.ey told me that he is getting his license next year when he "changes his number" to five. I told him that would be so nice because he can drive over to my house whenever he wants and he said "yep". I just need to make sure I am not on the road at the same time. If it is anything like when he rides his bike and stares at his feet we all might be in trouble. LOL.

Noah driving 11/14/2009

Joey driving 11/14/2009

To see what everyone else is showing at the front of the class go to Mel's place.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Busy weekend

Well, I FINALLY got some sleep. Thank God! Friday I think my body had finally had it and I think I slept most all day and all night. Now I finally feel better. Hopefully I can continue on a good sleep schedule.

Yesterday was moving day for my sis. Since I can't be much help with moving because of my back, DH helped with the moving and I took the kids for the day. We had a lot of fun together. I took them to my house for a little bit and we took Sammy for a walk. He was a pain in the butt on the walk. He did not want to cooperate which is so not like him. The kids were really good with him though. They took turns walking him and they loved it. I then took them to McD.onalds play land and we had lunch and they played for a while. I took them to show them the places I used to live and then I took them to the pet store. When they left they wanted one of each thing in the pet store. I have some cute pictures that i am too lazy right now to post so I will do that later. Last night No.ah came down with the flu. So pray he gets better soon. The poor guy is so sick. Also, pray I do not get it. I have not had a flu shot and I was hugging and kissing him all day yesterday. Please tell me I am not doomed...

This morning I went to meet Mel. She was in my neighborhood doing a talk about her book. I have been so excited all week and I am so glad that I got to go. My sis went with me and it was so great! She made me laugh, brought tears to my eyes, and I found myself nodding through the whole thing. thinking there was so many people I knew that should be there. Maybe they could get a little better understanding. Maybe they could see I am not crazy. Anyway, I also got to meet  Baby Shmaybe. She was so sweet! I love meeting bloggers. It is nice to put a face with all the blogs and the stories. It is great to feel a connection with someone you only know from online. Mel's book (what I have read so far)  is so so good so if you have not gotten one yet you should do so soon! Also, if she is ever in your neck of the woods go to meet her. She is just as great in person as you read online. I am so thankful to her and all she has done for this community I just can not thank her enough! I have pictures of this too that I will post but they are my sister's camera so I will have to wait until she sends them to me. As soon as I get them I will post.

Anyway, I hope you all are having a great weekend.

BTW I want to say a big thanks to my sis for buying poor jobless me Mel's book. Thank you so much!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I Need Some Sleep!

I can not sleep and it is driving me crazy! I have always suffered from insomnia. I take a sleep medication for it but even that is not helping. It is seriously ridiculous! 2 nights ago I did not go to sleep until 10:30 AM...yes you read that right! I even tripled up on my sleep medication and NOTHING!! It was like I never even took it. I forced myself to get up at 1:00 when DH got home. I was exhausted all day but I figured that was good. I did not want to throw everything off and sleep all day. But as usual 10:00 PM rolled around and I was WIDE AWAKE! I did not fall asleep until 7:30 AM last night...or I should say this morning. I am really hoping tonight I go to bed early. There is not much to do at night! It sucks!

Usually, I always have the TV on in the background. It is something I have done for as long as I can remember. I always fall asleep to Nick at Nite or something like that. Why? because they are shows that I have seen a million times so they won't keep my attention. I barely have the sound on but I just like it on in the background. For some reason it helps.

 Well the other night, when I was up the entire night, I was watching because there is not much on except lame infomercials. I was watching "Ros.eanne". I have seen the shows a trillion times! However, there was one show that the end made me laugh and sad at the same time. At the end she came on because she had not been on the show and she stated it was because she was pregnant and on bed rest. She then goes on to a commentary. She says something to the effect of...(not exact)I would like to explain to all the little boys and girls that may be watching, where babies come from...Then she says...when a man and a woman want to have a baby they find another man or woman and we then they go down to the clinic and the man and the woman go into separate rooms. 15 or so doctors take the samples and manipulate them until they are certain that conception has occurred. She says, I am sure you can not imagine your own parents doing this but it is the most intimate and special thing that can happen between, a man, a woman, and their fertility specialist. I wish I could remember everything that was said or find a clip but I could not. I have seen this many times and never really noticed. I thought that was sad. I did not notice because to me that is my story. It was funny because not many people would do that and put it out there like that.

I started thinking about when I watched that when I was a teenager. I wondered if I ever even noticed it then? Did I think it was funny because yah right like that really happens! or that will never happen to me! Did I think she was joking? I remember being really young and hearing about "test tube babies". Of course it wasn't reality to me. I was a kid fantasizing about being a supreme court judge, running around with my friends, eating candy, mad about having a bed time, worried about if so and so was mad at me. You know the usual REAL IMPORTANT things in life. LOL It was futuristic stuff. It was not ever something that would happen to me.

Now I long for my "test tube baby". I look forward to the intimate rendevezvous with me, DH and my fertility specialist. The future is here and is now my reality and I really wish I could sleep!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I'm a slacker!

Wow I have been a slacker. It has been a week since my last post. Sorry about that. It is not because I have been very busy. I just have not felt very inspired lately. The last 4 days I haven't even wanted to really be on the computer.

The last few days here in Michigan have been absolutely gorgeous!!! I love it! I wish it would stay this way. Sadly, I know it will end. Yesterday, I watched my nephews. My sis is moving next weekend so they were trying to get some packing done so we took Jo.ey and No.ah at our house. They absolutely love Sammy! Especially No.ah who was scared of dogs not too long ago. Now, whenever I talk to him on the phone his first question is ALWAYS "how is Sammy?". So we took Sammy for a walk and the boys took turns with the leash. Sammy is the perfect dog for kids because he is so mellow. He does not drag you when you are walking. In fact he will stop if he feels he is too far ahead of us. Then we took them to Henry Ford Museum. my MIL works there so she has a free pass that we used to get in. They had a lego interactive display. They had a lego castle and places to build things and slides and places to dress up. The only thing was when Jo.ey figured out there were trains in there he really could care less about the legos. So we took them to see the trains. They had lots of fun but it was a whole lot of walking. All in all it was a good day!

Today has been a lazy day. DH and I went for a walk to enjoy the nice weather but other then that I have been cleaning and that is about it. Not much you can do when you are absolutely BROKE!! Anyway, I will be better this week. I hope you all had a great weekend.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Halloween night

We had a fun time with the nephews on Halloween. Jo.ey went as a storm Trooper and No.ah went as a pirate. they were so so cute! DH and I decided to join in the fun and dressed up. DH went as Jason (from Friday the 13th) and I went as his victim. I cut up a t-shirt, used fake blood, messed my hair and had makeup running down my face. The kids loved it. They were just enthralled with Jason. Jo.ey told Jason that he had to apologize to me and clean my shirt. LOL. Jo.ey and Noah kept saying they would save me. It was cute.

I made mummy dogs and they were very good. It was just hot dogs wrapped in a croissant so it wold look like a mummy. They were a hit. We all went trick or treating and then No.ah was excited and was running and he fell and smacked his head on the cement...HARD! We all heard it and he immediately had a HUGE bump on his head. At first it did not seem so bad but then No.ah started looking like he was drunk or something. he was then afraid to walk so daddy had to carry him. So my sis and I walked ahead and called urgent care to see if they were open. They were so we took No.ah. He was crying and we were telling him the dr would make it all better. Once we got in the car he seemed fine. He was so cute at the doctor. The doc looked at hime for a second and then just told my sis to keep him awake until 11:00 (every kids dream) and other symptoms to look out for. When we walked out of the office No.ah says, "did the doctor make me feel better." We said "yes" and he was good with that.

All in all it was a good and fun night. I hope you all had a nice Halloween and a good weekend!

Saturday, October 31, 2009

And The Hits Keep On Comin'

It is insurance enrollment time and DH job. So today we got notice...I figured it was going to be another notice saying the hiked insurance an astronomical amount as per usual. It was not that...

They dumped all of the choices and are only giving us one choice. Which is not a choice...I guess they are giving us one forced option. The problem is it does NOT cover infertility. Oh wait it says it will cover diagnosis and treatment of the underlying cause as long as none of it has to do with birth or the birth process...which is the whole point of infertility treatment. It means they will NOT cover ultrasounds, unless my doctor can convince them I need ultrasounds every three days to look at my polycystic you thing that could work? Probably not.

Also, after much research I found the RX company will not cover fertility drugs. Oh but wait they do offer a discount on them. If you can call it that. So I am SCREWED!!!

So looking at the positive side...I am at the end of what my insurance company I currently have would cover anyway so I pretty much would have been paying out of pocket anyways. The problem is I wanted to try one more treatment using injectibles with the added progesterone support and stuff. Now if I want to do that I need to do it NOW. I need to come up with the 300.00 I owe them so I can get in within the next 2 weeks so I can beat my next cycle. I do not have 300.00 laying around. I lost my job. I am struggling to get by as it is but I HAVE to figure out how to do this.

It also screws up what I wanted to do first. I want to go and have a laparoscopy to make sure everything looks good before I go and waste anymore money. Now I have to skip that for now. I figure the new insurance co. will cover that since it will fall under the "diagnosis and treatment" of the underlying cause. So what I have to do is get into Dr. Positive. I have not even spoken to him since the last miscarriage/ectopic. Last I talked to him we did not even know the pregnancy was ectopic at the time. I MUST get into at least talk to him and see what the options are. Maybe he can make it all better and tell me knows a way to make this work...PLEASE OH PLEASE let that be the case. I need Dr. Positive to be who is POSITIVE! I NEED my ovaries to cooperate and not have any cysts. As I am typing this I realize now that I do not even know if I have time...if I remember correctly I should be on BC now...CRAP...SHIT!!! Deep breath...I still need to get into see him and see what we can do...maybe we can at least order a bunch of drugs now while they are covered. It would have been nice if DH's employer would have told them a while ago that this was going to happen. At least then I could have been putting 20 a week a away or something. UGH!!!

I am feeling very paniced and frustrated. I just do not understand why?  I would be a good mom. Why can't I be that? I feel like I am standing over the toilet and watching all my dreams swirling the bowl...they are almost gone. Don't even get me started on the stupid ass bill that the state of Michigan thought they would try to pass to make infertility harder, more expensive, and throw in a little invasion of privacy. They want there to be mandatory reporting of who and when a person has a miscarriage. And that would be the states business because...?

I think I need to investigate the states that require that infertility treatments be paid for...maybe I can move there for a while.

Hope everyone has a Happy Halloween! I am excited about going trick or treating with the nephews. DH is going as Jason and I am going as his victim. Hopefully I will get some cute pictures to post.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Show and Tell


This is what I was going to show last week except I was in the hospital. I am feeling a little better now. i am still afraid to eat a lot so I am slowly introducing new foods. Yesterday I tried to eat a burger from So.nic. It is new in Michigan and I always see the commercials and it looks so good. So I babysat my nephews yesterday and then afterward we went. i ate half of the hamburger and then spent the night in the bathroom...not throwing up but other TMI stuff. I don't think it was me though cause hubby had the same problem so needless to say we won't be going there anymore.

Anyway another note before I get to show and tell. My nephews were so darn cute yesterday...I guess what else is new. But we had such a good time. Jo.ey wanted to show us the "scary house" in his neighborhood so we went for a walk. He showed us the way. I was wondering if he knew what he was talking about but he got us there and I was impressed. Now it was the long way but he did get us there. Then we had a leaf fight and buried each other in the leaves. The boys asked me pretty much right away how I was feeling and they both kissed my tummy and said that would make it feel better. sure does!

Ok, so for show and tell this week I wanted to tell you about my FREE trip to CVS. I have mentioned here before that I have really got into couponing so this was the best trip I have had so far. Pictured above is what I got. in case you can't see all (taken with cell phone) this is what I got. 4-12 packs of coke, 2 cha.psticks, 2 PM, 2 bottles of ad.vil, 3 bags of ki.t k.ats, 3 10 packs of mo.unds bars, 1 bag of skittles, 1 bag of sta.rburst, and 2 bags of m.&m's. After coupons and sales I paid 29.41 ( I do not know what the total was before coupons and stuff because in the confusion of last week the receipt got lost). I received 25.00 in extra bucks, which are money I can use on my next trip there, and I will get back 4.80 back in bottle deposits so I actually made .39. Not bad for all the stuff I got...right? I was pretty excited about it.

To see what everyone else is showing at the head of the class, head on over to Mel's place.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Still can't eat...this sucks!

It is Sunday now and I still can not eat much. I am living on applesauce, crackers, and chicken noodle soup (mainly broth) and occasional piece of bread and butter. I am HUNGRY! but when I eat anything else I throw it up! I do not know why this is happening but this sucks! I feel fine other then that. Thank God no pain (knock on wood).

I remember after my endoscopy the nurse called my nurse and said they found a small hiatal hernia but that it would not account for my pain. No doctors ever mentioned it to me...not that I spoke to any doctors. I looked up info yesterday on it after getting sick yet again and it COULD account for some of my symptoms. If I understand correctly what I read it, said something about if the esophagus or whatever part they were saying, gets stuck then it can cause pain and nausea and vomiting. It can slide in and out and I am thinking that maybe it got stuck for a while and that is what has caused the problem. I don't know...I am using dr google.

Anyway, I guess what I am going to have to do is make an appointment with my regular doc, if I do not get better soon, and then get a referral to a specialist. If this keeps happening it needs to stop. I need to eat some time.

Anyone ever have any experience with a hernia? Did you have these problems? I know it said most people can have a hiatal hernia and not even know it because most of the time it does not cause symptoms unless it gets big or whatever gets stuck. I just want desperately to feel better.

Friday, October 23, 2009

It felt like HELL!!

Sorry I have not been around but I have been through the ringer the last few days. I spent from Tuesday until last night in the hospital and believe me it was NOT FUN at all!! I guess when is being in the hospital fun? But I thought my hell would never end and I would forever feel as bad and in as much pain as I was. Thank God I am feeling better now!

So here is what happened... (sorry this may be a little long)

Tuesday was a normal day except that we had our usual fall flying ant problem. Usually once a year around this time after it got cold and then warms up we have a day where SWARMS of flying ants surround the front of our house. This year it happened on the side of our house. Of course the side where the hose doesn't really get to. Hubby tried to do the best he could but we spent HOURS just sitting by the vents and vacuuming HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of flying ants. EWW it creeps me out even typing this now. You know how I feel about bugs!

After doing that for a while I could not take it and I was getting hungry. So I went shopping which I will have to tell you later about my free shopping trip to CVS. I was going to do it for show and tell this week but I was not around. Anyway, I was having a Big Mac attack. I had not had one in a long time so I went to McD.0nalds and got a big mac and came home. Hubby and I turned on Her0es that we taped the night before and I started eating. Halfway through eating it was like one second I was fine and the next I thought I was going to die. I felt like I was going to throw up and there was a pain in my stomach that was hard to explain and one I had never experienced before. I gave the rest of my food to hubby who ate it and was just fine so I do not think it was the food but TRUST me after that experience I do not think I can EVER eat a Big Mac again!

Anyway, I spent the next hour or so sitting in the bathroom and pacing the house as things got bad. I called my sis to find out what a gallbladder attack felt like and she said I should go to the hospital. I hung up and immediately threw up. I felt better for like 10 minutes so I thought it was just what I ate. I called her back and said I would be fine it was just food that did not agree with me. I think 20 minutes or so later I was calling her as I was on the way to the hospital. The pain in my stomach came back with a vengence along with a fire in my chest and extreme nausea. I went into emergency and believe me I am sure they wanted to get me out as soon as possible because I was just moaning and screaming how bad it hurt forever. I could not cry because it made the nausea worse so all I could do is moan and scream. They tried a bunch of pain meds that did not work and I continued to throw up even though I had nothing but bile (sorry for TMI) in my stomach. They did a cat scan and came back and said everything was fine. I was stunned! I cried no that is not possible to which they said "this is good news. Just go home, it is probably just some virus." I was like THIS IS NOT GOOD NEWS!!! I need whatever is wrong with me to be FIXED!!

They discharged me and I was DEVASTATED!! I could not IMAGINE going home feeling the pain I felt. I could not breathe. It hurt so bad to breathe. My chest was on fire, my stomach felt like I was being stabbed and I could not hold anything down. They did not think it was the flu or anything because I did not have a fever, my blood pressure was AMAZINGLY fine and no body aches or anything. So I called my mom and she said that was ridiculous! that they sent me home. She said YOU need to go to another hospital, which is exactly what I wanted to do! My DH really DID NOT! He was understandably mad and frustrated because I was in so much pain and their was nothing he could do and obviously nothing the hospital was going to do. He did not want to go sit in another emergency room for them to say the same thing. I just kept saying we had went to a hospital that I would not normally go to because it is a little hole in the wall. We went because it was close and we did not have gas and we had no time to stop for gas. I said doctors are wrong all the time . I can NOT imagine going home and feeling this way. I have to try some where else. He reluctantly agreed. I figured I now needed my mom to come up there because he was being unusually grumpy about the situation and that is NOT what I needed. (he did turn around shortly after and I get why he did not want to do that again so I do not blame him).

So off I was to the next hospital and my mom was meeting us up there. They took me in right away because they wanted to do an EKG because I was telling them of the burning in my chest. They never did get a clear EKG. They kept telling me to lay still which was SO HARD to do but I eventually did and they still were unable to get a clear reading so they just left...for a long time! Meanwhile, I am basically screaming out in pain the whole time. My mom kept going to find out what was going on (which is good because that is not one of hubby's strong points. He does anything to avoid conflict so he does not want to bug people. He did eventually do it sometimes.) My sis showed up too. I was so thankful they were there but I felt SO BAD that everyone was sitting there ALL NIGHT and they still went to work even though I think my sis did not leave until 5:00am and my mom 6 or 7. So thank you so much to them!

So the hospital wanted to try another CAT scan but this time with me drinking the crap they want you to drink for that. i looked at them like they were NUTS because I could NOT hold anything down in my stomach. The  ER nurse, who was a ROYAL BITCH by the way, said to try. I took a couple drinks and up it came. So now they said they are going to shove a tube up my nose and down my throat and then they will but the drink down that way and it will stay in my stomach. I did not believe them. They shoved that thing up my nose and it felt like someone took a knife and shoved it up my nose. That was ABSOLUTELY HORIFFIC! I thought drinking that stuff was horrible. I would drink that stuff everyday for dessert to avoid that thing in my nose and down my throat for the rest of my life! They put one of the 2 glasses down and said they had to wait a half hour and then do the 2nd. 10 minutes went by and up all of it came! I am not sure why they think it would not make me throw up. i was constantly throwing up and now you add a tube irritating your throat and gag reflex. That does not mix well. Well they were not to happy about that!

Pain meds and meds to make me relax were not working too well. They tried to tell me that it was because I take Perc0cet sometimes for my back. I had recently gotten a RX for 15 from my doc who will occasionally give them to me for my back. Usually just once before she makes me come in to see her. I had gotten one at the end of last week and taken 6 of them over 4 days and not the day of this event. They told me that was why the pain meds were not working. They eventually started giving me Diladid (however you spell it) and that worked! They had been trying morphine that did not work at all!

After I threw up the stuff the nurse was all huffy puffy about it, like I did it on purpose and said "I have to talk to the doc so you will have to wait!" What felt like forever later she came back and said, "they are probably going to admit you but you are going to have to keep the tube in your nose." to which I said, "no, I can NOT. Go talk to the doctor again because I CAn"T keep this in my nose". She came back and yanked it out. THANK GOD!! After a while they cam back and took me for a cat scan and injected die in my IV. The cat scan came back fine. Again they say "good news!" Again I say, "NO!". After a couple doses of meds I was able to relax a LITTLE and get an hour or 2 of sleep. It was not restful because I wold wake up because it was so uncomfortable but I would not want to move at all because I was afraid to break the spell of feeling ok for that second. they came back after a couple hours and said they were waiting to see where my HMO would let me get admitted. They said they were probably going to have to send me downtown. I did not want to do that and could not really understand because this hospital was in my network and I should not have problems.

Finally, a nice nurse came on duty and they figured out I could get admitted at that hospital. They said they could only keep me for observation and my insurance co. would only let me stay for 23hrs if there was nothing going on but I would have a meeting with a surgeon later in the morning. They said they could not give me anything more for pain until I met with the surgeon. i thought I would die! Later that morning I met with the surgeon who was SO NICE and genuinely concerned. The nurses on the floor were all great! They scheduled me for a scan of my gallbladder and bowel. I am not sure how I made it through that test. It was like 2hrs long. i had to keep stopping it because I had to throw up and I could not have anything for pain until this test was over. the surgeon came down while I was in the middle of the test and he said I will have something waiting for you as soon as you are done...just get through this test. The hard part was the last 30 minutes was when I could not have them stop it because they were stimulating my gallbladder and I felt like my stomach and chest were ON FIRE!!! The tech was great and just kept telling me "you can do it"...I kept saying no I can't. The last 15 minutes I was doing an announcement of how long I had to go every 30 seconds. i am sure I drove them all crazy but they never showed it! The tech also called for someone to pick me up 5 minutes before I was done so i would not have to wait and called my nurse to have her have pain meds waiting for me. When i got back to my bed I threw up, got some meds and felt the best relief for like an hour. It was so great.

Of course that test came back fine and so they scheduled me for an endoscopy for the next morning. I threw up about 5 more times and then my hubby helped me wash up including washing my hair in the sink. which felt like HEAVEN. It was weird after that though because, as soon as I washed my hair I had NO MORE nausea at all! Maybe my hair was making me sick...LOL. One thing down, now I just needed to get rid of this burning,stabbing in my stomach and chest. I did not get much sleep because it seemed like everytime I got relief from the pain meds it was then that everyone needed to come in the room and do and check a million things. Hospitals are definitely NOT the place to be if you need rest!! I kicked my hubby out at midnight because he was snoring in the chair and then I got a roommate who snored worse. UGH!! Slowly, my pain started subsiding more and more. I had my endoscopy and that came back...FINE...UGH! It is so frustrating when everything comes back fine and you feel like you are going to die. The surgeon talked about doing exploratory surgery but I had started feeling better and I do not want to go under the knife for the hell of it.

Now I just wanted to get out of there! However the attending doctor, who I did not like, NEVER came to talk to me after my tests. NEVER came to explain what was going on now left and no one could get a hold of her to discharge me. I started making a stink telling them that I did not think my insurance co would like them keeping me here if they were not going to be doing anything more for me. They tried for hours. Finally they called her husband who got worried because the family could not get a hold of her either. You know why?...Their house is so big that no one knew she was home and her cell phone died and she could not hear anyone looking for her. Such problems! I finally got released last night at like 7:00 pm. I was talking to my nurse and she had been asking me a lot about what I was feeling and she said she had the exact same thing like 3 weeks ago. she said she never calls in and she was out of work for 4 days and checked in taking tons of tests that all came back fine. She said she had the nausea nd the same exact pain with the same conclusion. They told me they THINK it was some sort of virus. I know this is the same thing that the 1st hospital told me but I still think I made the right decision to go to another hospital. I am glad I was admitted because I could not been IMAGINE how I would have made it at home in that much pain. I know there are worse things and many people go through much worse but this pain felt worse then my kidney stone. It made the kidney stone I had a year and half ago seem like a picnic on the beach in Hawaii compared to what I was going through.

So, I am home now and feeling better. I am still not eating much and I have been just laying around. I am actually afraid because I have NO idea what caused it so I have NO idea how to avoid it. I do not want to EVER feel that again! I just wish I knew how to prevent it. I have been trying to figure out anything I did differently, which I know probably has NOTHING to do with it, but psychologically my mind wants to try to figure out a reason. Whatever it was I hope it never crosses my path again!!!

Thank you to my sis, my mom and DH for being there.  I wish I could have better answers.

I will be catching up with all of you over the next few days. I hope you are all better then I have been.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Another date passes

So, I think this weekend I kind of went off the deep end. I completely lost it! I am sure it is because of October 15th being Pregnancy Loss Remembrance and then October 18th being the 2nd of my losses EDD. I should have a 4 yr old, I should have a 3yr old...for that matter I should have a 2yr old and a 1 yr old. Now granted had any of the previous pregnancies worked out I would not have all those consecutive children but I do have all those angels.

I started thinking of these things and then Saturday came and I could not stop crying. I think I cried more on Saturday then I have in the last year combined. It was non stop and my poor hubby did not really know what to do. I was suppose to go to my sis's and play cards and I really wanted to see my nephews because I thought maybe they could cheer me up but, it also had the possibility of making me more sad and I really did not want them to see me like I was.

So I hibernated for the weekend. I spent the last few days feeling very sorry for myself. For once in my life I did not care that the dishes were piled up in the sink, the laundry was not done, and I did not leave the couch or even get on the computer all that much. I thought and I cried, and I cried and I thought some more and today I am feeling better. I was worried a little yesterday because I don't usually like to dwell for more then a day but I could not snap out of it. I felt bad for all I did not have. For all I wish I had. I was angry, I was hurt, and I felt my heart break in to a thousand pieces again. I wondered if it was possible to keep repairing the same heart over and over again.  Maybe it is not completely repaired and maybe it never will be but apparently a few cracks and missing pieces are still ok.

Today I woke up and made myself clean the house. I turned on some music and my mood seemed better. I think I just needed a few days to feel really bad for me. For it to be ok that I was sad, mad, frustrated. To not worry what everyone else would think if I just felt sorry for myself for a while. I made it through yet another date. I will make it through more and someday hopefully I will be able to remember as I am holding my baby in my arms.

Thanks to hubby for not calling the loony bin on me.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Another Award

Thanks to Melissa.


1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

4. Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.

5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

7 things you don't know....this may be hard...I did do 101 things you may not know so if these are a repeat sorry...

1. I absolutely HATE Peanut Butter...I can not even stand the smell of it!
2. I am a terrible insomniac. I can be exhausted all day but once 10pm hits I am wide awake and am often found awake at 5:00 AM. It is horrible!
3. My back is feeling better today...finally
4.I have a hard time with decisions. I am afraid of making the wrong one so I am constantly over analyzing EVERYTHING.
5. If I was stranded on an island and had one book to take with me it would be (besides the Bible) "I know this much is True" by Wally Lamb. It is an awesome book and has so many layers. Not my usual type of book but it is so so good!
6. I am VERY IMPATIENT! I Hate waiting more then anything, which is difficult with infertility since it is all you do. I have not gotten better at it.
7. If I won the lotto my first purchase would be IVF. Literally I believe I would be at th RE's office the day after I won.

Well that is all I got and now on to nominating 7 people.

1. Stacey's Thoughts on Infertility
2. Building Heavenly Bridges
3. Maybe it is just me
4. Eskimo Kisses For you
5. Hope.Faith.Patience
6. I want to be a mommy
7. Finally A Mom

And anyone else who would like to join in.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Pictures, Images and Photos
Go here for more info

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a day that brings to the front of every one's mind all the babies that are lost every year. I remember EVERY DAY!

There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about my angels that should be in my arms instead of in my heart. Not a day goes by that I do not at some point think about what should have been, instead of what is. I miss all 4 of them every minute of every day.

I think of the hugs I do not feel. The kisses, the "I love you mommy" that I do not get to hear. I just get to imagine what it would be like to hear and feel those things. I Lost 4 pregnancies WAY to early, along with many women out there today. Today I think of you, I think of me, and I think of all our angels that will remain in our hearts forever!

Tonight, join the wave of light and light a candle from 7:00 pm - 8:00 pm. My candle will burn in loving memory of my 4 angel babies and yours. Gone TOO SOON and MISSED MORE THEN WORDS CAN EVER SAY!

Please join me.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Things are not always as they seem

Sorry I have been bad about writing lately. Nothing much has been going on and I have not been feeling very inspired. Yesterday I woke up and my back started hurting BAD!!!! It is still pretty BAD today. So I am back to laying on the couch and watching TV. I haven't been on the computer too much.

Last night I was watching Jo.n and K.ate plus 8 and the whole situation that they have just makes me real sad for the children. I learned a lesson though. When I first started watching I was jealous. Not that they have 8 children 6 of which they had at the same time because that has to be a hard road to go but because they tried fertility treatments and it worked right away for them. Why could that not happen for me? Not only did they get twins the first time but then had 6 more (again I do not want 6 at the same time). I wondered what I had to do just to have one. Even though it was hard they seemed happy. Now I watch and I just feel bad. It is hard to believe that last year I was watching them get remarried in Hawaii and this year they are divorced. Who is paying the price? The children will. I come from a divorced family and it is not and easy road. Then not to mention it is all being played out on TV. They have to watch bad things being said about their mom on TV. I mean they probably are not seeing it right now but some day they will see it.

When it first started, I was really late to the drama. I think it had been going on for 3 months before I even knew what was going on. At first, I was on Jo.n's side. I mean she was not a very nice person and I always wondered why he put up with it. But as time has gone on and I saw his most recent interview where he spent the entire time talking bad about the mother of his children on national TV all was done for me as far as he goes. My dad used to do the same thing to my mom. He would talk bad about my mother to us all the time. My mother never said anything bad about my dad...NEVER! Not until we were much older and had figured it out for ourselves. Well it back fired on my dad because I have not spoken to him in 15 years. Not because of that but because he is crazy but him talking about my mother never sat well with me and only made me feel bad for my mom.

Anyway, I guess it just goes to show that you never know what is going on in peoples lives. On the outside they can look like they have everything you want. Family, money, etc. But really what they don't have is one of the most important things we all seek...Happiness. I may not have 8 children, or even 1, but with DH I am always happy and I know I am loved.

Friday, October 9, 2009


Go here sign up.  You can get 10 OPK or 10 Pregnancy tests or a combination of both for FREE!!!!!

Hurry! I do not know how long it will last.


YAWN!!! I'm here but have not been writing too much. Things in my life are pretty boring! I guess boring is better then bad but it does not make for a good blog. It has been very rainy and ugly. I love fall but not if it is going to be like this. We hardly got any rain all summer but now it seems to be making up for it.

I did get some good news today. We had applied for hardship assistance from our mortgage company and today they called to let us know that they approved us for a unemployment forbearance. Basically they are going to let us pay 244.00 a month through February and then I can call them in February and see where we are and what we can do at that time. If I am back to work then we will work out a payment plan to pay back what we currently owe them. The good thing is that I will not be racking up more payments starting with this month through Feb. They will just consider the 244 as our payment.We still owe them 4000 but at least we have bought some time and it is a lot better then a lot of people I know that have not had such luck with their mortgage company. So that definitely took a load off my mind for a while.

Other then that I really have NOTHING going on and no progress being made on the baby front. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

An Award!

Thanks to Melissa for this award!

Over the Top Pictures, Images and Photos

Here are the rules
1. you can only use one word!
2. pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. alert them that you have given them this award!
4. have fun!

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? table
2. Your hair? short
3. your mother? strong
4. Your father? a@$hole
5. Your favorite food? ribs
6. Your dream last night? crazy
7. Your favorite drink? coke
8. Your dream/goal? baby
9. What room are you in? living
10. Your hobby? couponing
11. Your fear? alone
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? family
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? patient
15. Muffins? chocolate
16. Wish list item? Wii
17. Where did you grow up? Michigan
18. Last thing you did? shopped
19. What are you wearing? pj's
20. Your TV? on
21. Your pets? three
22. Friends? many
23. Your life? blessed
24. Your mood? calm
25. Missing someone? Katie Jo
26. Vehicle? minivan 
27. Something you’re not wearing? socks
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? red
30. When was the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? 2 days ago
32. Your best friend? sis
33. One place that I go to over and over? online
34. One person who emails me regularly? MIL
35. Favorite place to eat? home

I nominate: Hmmm so hard to choose...I love you all!

Sunny in Seattle

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Another pet gone. :(

One of my birds died on Friday. :( I wasn't a big fan of the birds. We have had several birds and they all died fairly quickly. I would like one that talks. We had one that talked a long time ago but because we over heated teflon in one of our pans the bird breathed it in and died. We did not know teflon was deadly. After that we have had 4 different parakeets. I did not want the last 2 that we have but they were my niece's and she was moving and could not take them with her, so we took them. They were OK. Because there was 2 of them they kept each other company and did not want to be bothered by us humans. Well, Thursday night DH was talking to them and said to me that the boy did not look well. He was losing his feathers. The next day he was gone. I am sad now. I feel bad for the other bird because that was her buddy. I imagine she is going to be incredibly lonely now. We have been paying a lot of attention to her lately but she does not really like it. I don't know...we are not having much luck with animals lately. Maybe my other animals should run far away from us. :(

I had lunch with a friend on Friday. We don't get to see each other much but it is so nice when we do. She came over and had lunch here. She used to live here. We bought the house from her. I spent all day Thursday cleaning because I always feel like the house should be xtra clean for her since this used to be her house. It was a very nice visit.

Friday night my sis brought the kids over and DH watched them while her and I did another round of double coupon shopping at Kmart. Which we both did even better this time. No.ah who is normally a little leary of dogs has become completely crazy over Sammy. DH said all he wanted to do was pet him all the time. Then yesterday my sis called me and said that Noah had been yelling my name into a fake phone and she figured maybe to get him to stop he could really talk to me. He got on the phone and his first thing was, "Is Sammy good?". Every time I talk to him that is one of his first questions. It is so cute.

I was thinking last night that I do not want my nephews to grow up. Talking to them on the phone just brings a smile to my face. Their sweet innocent voices. I have a couple messages from No.ah on my phone and I listen to them at least once a day. When he says "I love you" in his little 2 yr old voice...nothing is better!

Anyway, that is all that has been going on with me. It has been a pretty dreary weekend. I think Fall has officially begun in Michigan. I love Fall but I don't like rainy and dreary.

I hope you all have had a great weekend!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I am a Strong and Worthy Person!

Congratulations to me, today is my 200th post. I can't believe I have kept up with this for 200 posts. I was unsure when I started if I would continue or if I would even like it. Blogging has given me so much though. I am happy for all the wonderful friends I have made all around the world. People who are just like me. So thank you all for continuing to come here and support me. It brings a smile to my face everyday.

So anyway, last night I was watching Gho.sts of Gir.lfr1ends Past. Which by the way, was a good movie (although you may not get that from this post). Although I am a little biased seeing as it had my boy in the movie. I LOVE me some Matt.hew McC0naughey!  I don't usually go ga ga for a movie star, but he is my exception.  (oh an I am not really giving anything away about the movie so don't worry about that)

So at the beginning of the movie, 3 of the bridesmaids are sitting around talking about the men they wanted to sleep with and stuff like that. One girl says something like "oh, look at that one he is hot!" and then the response to her is "he is married" and then she says," Do they have kids? They are not really married unless they have kids."  Which made my jaw drop a little. I thought that was hurtful. I mean, I know it is a movie but still hurtful to hear that out loud. But then after contemplating it for a few minutes I realized that this is exactly how I feel. Not so much the "not really being married part" because I do feel married ,but most of the time I do not feel like an adult. I feel like a teenager playing house.  But I definitely DO NOT feel like a family. 

I know I have discussed this before but this really made me think. I guess I thought that it was something that was in my head. Some crazy, feeling sorry for my self, woe is me, thoughts that float through my infertile brain. Then I heard it and I was like NO...THAT IS NOT RIGHT!!! This is where the looks from other people come from. This is where we, as infertiles, get funny looks from people because we do not have children. This is why my "infertile brain" feels like I am less of a family, less of a person...because I do not have children. It is constantly perpetuated in movies and on TV. I do realize that this is a MOVIE and that it was a comment from some slutty girls, wanting to get some action, and used for comic purposes but unfortunately many people take all the information they get from TV, movies, and even the news and think ALL of it is FACT or the rule rather then the exception. It is the same thing that has happened with Octo mom and the woman that had the wrong embryo transferred. That one statement, no matter how harmless it was, had me thinking all night about the constant negative images and stories we are bombarded with on a steady basis. No wonder we feel the way we do.

We, going through all we are, have a lot of information that the general public does not. We know that being pregnant and the delivering 8 babies is next to impossible and that no responsible doctor would do such a thing. We know that mistakes are made sometime but that most IVF offices double, triple, check a million times to make sure that they are transferring the right embryos. We KNOW these things but not everyone else does. So if you are like me and have been open with your whole TTC journey then you spend time explaining to people why there is a 99.9% chance that this will not happen to you. You spend time trying to explain that people going for IVF are not there because they waited to long to have children or because they want to design the perfect kid with blonde hair and blue eyes. It is about wanting to feel complete.

The real problem comes in, when you hear something enough you start to believe it. No matter how much you know in your heart that it is not true...your head starts to think...well maybe it is true. Your brain has no way of telling the truth from a lie. That is why the "power of positive thinking" movement is strong. If you tell your brain that you are not good enough it will start to believe it.

My mom illustrated this to me a long time when I was a teenager. She showed me that what you repeat to yourself,  is what you will be. She told me to stand there and repeat over and over "I am a strong and worthy person". Thinking it and believing it while I said it and then she said to hold my arms out to my sides and then she tried to push them down and my arms did not budge. I mean they did not move at all! Then she said to do the opposite..." to repeat " I am a weak and unworthy person". Thinking it and believing it. I held out my arms and she pressed down and my arms were down at my side in a second.  It works. I have done it many times in my life to show that to people and it works every time. However, I haven't gotten it to work with "I am a mom with many children"...yet. LOL

This is why I try to avoid the news. It is so depressing most of the time or just trying to cause a panic in people. It drives me crazy. I only watch it like once a week so I can stay on top of what is going on. I do not watch because I know that watching those images all the time would depress me to no end! I will read news because I can choose the stories I want to focus my attention on and I can stay up to date. I just don't watch because I have no control over what they show next.

So I am sorry if this has sounded like a jumbled mess of thoughts but this is what my brain was doing last night.  Luckily the one little comment did not spoil the movie for me. I mean it was not some horrible theme of the movie or anything it just made me think about how all the little statements and the stories all add up to something bugger. It shapes the way people view things, including how we view ourselves.  I know if you pick something a part enough you can find fault with anything, but that just really jumped out at me. I guess because it is a thought that has run through my head and if it is something that can run through mine and I KNOW differently then I have to believe that those that DON"T KNOW differently are thinking it as well and there goes the vicious cycle that we have entered. The mind and heart games this infertile thing plays is hard to overcome but everyday I have to try or I guess or I would hide myself in my room for eternity. I just need to repeat...I AM A STRONG AND WORTHY PERSON!

Isn't it funny how one little line from a movie (that most people probably would miss) can cause all that thought?

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Saving money, Losing money and other things

Just got done with my shopping trips for the week and man it is exhausting. I have really gotten into the coupon thing. It is amazing how much money you save, especially when you match it with sales. My Super Kmart was doing double coupons up to 2.00 so my sister (I got her into it too, now) came over and we went. The weird thing is...we both spent the same amount and had the same total after coupons but we got different things. Then I went to Target and got a rain check that they told me yesterday I could not get. I went back today and had no problem. The girl yesterday just did want to take the time...totally ticked me off. Then I went to CVS. Overall, my total at all stores was 110 and I spent 50.00. wish I would have taken a picture to show you all I got because it just amazes me. It is hard work because it takes time to get all the coupons together and figure out where the best places to go each time but it is so worth it in the end. I can not believe how much money I have wasted over the years!

Anyway, today is my mom's birthday so Happy Birthday Mom! She does not read here, thank God, but just thought I would put it out there. Yesterday we went to my sisters and celebrated moms and hers birthday. I made my ice cream pie for my mom. It is our favorite. It was hard to have it sit in my house after making it and not eat it. Then we all went to the casino. It sucked! We all lost. :(

I can not believe it is almost October. Where has the time gone? I have been out of work for 3 does not feel like it. So 2 funny things about the job search. 1. I got an email from a company that wanted me to apply. They were listing their perks, and no joke, one of the perks was..."free access to walk around the office.". LOL Phew so happy they would not chain me to my desk. Anyway, it turns out that company is a scam because they were asking for my credit info before they even meet me. Yea sure I will get right on that...UM NO WAY! 2. I applied to a MAJOR cable company ( I won't mention the name but they are pretty big all around so you can probably figure it out) because my BIL works there and likes it. Plus, it is basicaaly a job tailored to what I have done. I mean if someone wrote a job description describing what I have done for the last 15 years of my life, this job would have been it. Plus a major perk with them is they will pay for IVF. I mean I really do not want to go into a call center again but it would have been waaaay worth it. So, I get an email from them on Friday, saying they have decided that I am not qualified enough for the job. Oh really, I do NOT even think they read my resume! It's their major LOSS because I am sure they are going to hire some person that has half the experience of me or less and they will quit or something and they will have lost out on a good employee. I just found it HILARIOUS that they said that I was not qualified. It proves they did not even look but  I think they should have just said, at this time all the positions are filled and we will keep you in mind for the future...IDIOTS!

Sammy has been doing REALLY good (besides being VERY lonely). He is feeling so much better, I am so glad that I TOLD the vet to give him anti inflammatory drugs. Who knows what would have happened if I had not...

We picked up Katie Jo's ashes. She was cremated because her original "mom" wants her to be buried with her. I had to call the vet inquiring where they were because they told me it would be a week and it was 10 days and I had not heard. She said she called our old phone number from 5 years ago and then said "you signed off on it" (very snotty). First off, you have my right phone number because you have called me several times at it...2nd when I "signed off" on it, it was when I was hysterically crying because I had just lost my dog. You handed me a piece of paper and said can you verify that this is her name and age. Nothing (that I remember) about phone number. 3rd I was not mad or anything I just asked where the ashes were because it had been a while. So hubby picks up ashes and I tell him I want to keep some of the ashes for us. I have put a box together with her collar, favorite toy, favorite blanket and then I was going to put her ashes in there and then if we end up staying here I will bury her in the backyard or if we move I will bury her there. Hubby says NO! He says he has no desire to keep her ashes. I burst into tears because I just want to have some piece of her and he says fine. I know it may be weird to some people but I needed that.

Well, that is what has been going on with me the last few days. I hope all is well with all of you and that you have had a WONDERFUL weekend.

Talk to you soon!