Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Happy New Year!

I am back to work and I was totally right...it sucked. First of all I think I slept too much on my vacation because I could not fall asleep last night. I finally did at 3:00 am and when you have to get up at 6:30 that really sucks. So I am very tired today. I did get a lot accomplished at work so maybe I should go in exhausted more often. Also, today the building was warmer than usual which I thought it would be quite the opposite since most of the building was not working. It was nice to finally not have to wear my sweater and my jacket to keep warm.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. Every New Year's Eve we go to my friends house and eat and drink ourselves silly. We make so many different breads, snack foods, desserts and the most awesome dip in the world. I will have to share the recipe sometime. We started doing this about 8 or 9 years ago. It started as a celebration for 2 of her kids birthdays and then expanded into a New Year's celebration. It is always soooo much fun. We play cards or games (this year maybe with their new W.ii). The kids are older now so they entertain themselves and the adults have a blast. It is nice because we do not get to see each other very often since we all lead very busy lives. So it is nice to get caught up, have some fun and try to forget about the crap that has happened in the last year. At least I do know that I will not start my New Year like last year. At least it is not looking that way. It is Michigan so you never know but last year we had a hell of a snow storm. we went out to her parents house and they live about 45-60 minutes away. They have a bigger place so it is nice to go there however it is a long drive. Anyway the snow started coming down at about 10:30-11:00. As soon as midnight hit we were on the road. Apparently everyone else had the same idea.

They wanted me to stay the night but I am big sleep in my own bed kind of person. I mean I like to go on vacation but when you are talking 8 adults and 5 children in a 3 bedroom house there really isn't a lot of places to sleep. So I wanted to leave. We did and I literally thought I was going to die on the way home. I am a horrible passenger seat driver. Probably because I have control issues
wanted to be safe. It was so bad you could barely see the hand in front of your face. Of course nothing was done to the roads so they were filled with snow. I called my mom and talked to her the whole way home just to try to prevent my DH from killing me going insane. When we got about 5 mile from home it was like it never really snowed. There was like maybe a 1/2 inch on the ground. It is so weird how it can vary so dramatically in just a short distance. Fun times I tell ya...fun times!

So to make a short story long we are not suppose to get any snow like that tomorrow night...of course we are suppose to get about 3 inches or so tonight. Anyway this year would be easier because we are close to home. I will enjoy it much more because I won't have to worry about the roads. So bring on the fun and BRING ON 2009! I can not wait. New Year...New Hope and I am ready for it.

I hope you all have a very SAFE and HAPPY NEW YEAR! 2009 is going to be great I can just feel it! (Fake it til you make it right?)

Monday, December 29, 2008

Vacation ending, New Year coming

My time off is winding down. :( I am so upset. Today is my last day and then tomorrow back to the daily grind. I hate this time of year at work because there is so much to do. I have to do performance reviews and get ready for 1099 season. It sucks. Unfortunately I do not feel as refreshed and ready for it as I thought I would. I enjoyed my vacation. I did not do anything special but I relaxed, I slept in, I spent time with family and friends, I watched movies, I napped and I loved every moment! The thing that really sucks the most is that I do not really have anything to look forward to now and that makes going back to work all that more difficult. Oh well, what can you do?

It is almost the New Year and I am looking forward to that. New Year, New Hope! 2009 has got to be better. Although I do say this every year I am hoping it is true this time. I mean how many years can this crap go on? My luck or whatever has got to turn sometime...I hope. I know I am just setting myself up but I am going to choose to believe that this is my year. This is the time that everything is going to work out. I am not sure how but I will find the money for IVF or better yet I won't even need IVF because my last round of injections are going to work. I am going to figure out how to get a new car. I am going to not owe any taxes. I am going to lose weight. My job will become more secure. My back pain will get better. I will get pregnant and stay pregnant until a live baby is born. I will be like the little engine that could. I think I can...I think I can...I think I can...

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Show and Tell

I am such a dork! Sorry I posted the wrong link under the current Show and Tell. If you are here for Show and Tell for the weekend of January 24th please click here.

Show and Tell

I haven't participated in show and tell for a little bit. I guess I haven't had much to show. Today I am showing my great free gift I received in the mail. I don't know if any other have tried this but I thought it was pretty funny so I wanted to show it to you all. It was the first thing I thought of when I received it in the mail.

So I went to the ma.gic er.aser website and they said "fill this form out and you can get a free magic eraser." Well I absolutely LOVE this thing. I mean it cleans everything with ease. Instead of scrubbing and scrubbing all I have to do is get out my handy dandy eraser and it "erases" all my problems away. Especially for those hard to get off stuck on food on the stove...no problemfor the eraser. Off in a second. So I was excited to get a "free" eraser in the mail. So I eagerly filled out my form and waited for it in the mail. To tell you the truth I actually forgot I did this so when it arrived in the mail I was excited. DH said "Oh look a free eraser". I was like " Oh yea I filled out something for it". I opened my box and this is what I received.


Obviously the small one is the free one. The one on top is the size of a real one. I thought this was hilarious.Oh, the things I am going to clean with this. I am going to start with my pinky toe nail and then move on to um...not sure what. I mean I know it's free but really... was it really wrth the expense of sending that thing. If I did not already know what a ma.gic era.ser was this would not really show me.

Anyway, head on over to Mel's place and see what others are showing this week.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Favorite things Friday

I know I have already said DH is my favorite thing but I think he deserves 2 posts so I saw this on Stop the Train, I wanna get off's blog and I thought it was a great idea so I have tagged myself and am posting it here. Feel free to use this on your blog and let me know so I can learn more abut your wonderful hubby!

5 Things DH Loves:

1. God
2. Me
3. Family
4. Beer
5. Sports

5 Things on DH's "To Do" List:

1. Clean out the garage
2. Start Working out
3. Win the lottery (although it would help if he played)
4. Take me out on a romantic night (hint hint)
5. Go on vacation

5 Foods DH Enjoys:

1. Steak and Potatoes
2. Pizza
3. Italian
4. Mexican
5. German chocolate cake

5 Things You May Not Know About DH :

1. He does all (and I mean all) the cooking in our house
2. He has a wide range of music taste. His 2 favorite bands are KISS and Rascal Flatts.
3. He is scarred of snakes (and I am not at all)
4. He can fall asleep at the drop of a hat (sometimes in the middle of a sentence)
5. He is good at every sport/game he ever tries even if it is the first time he has ever played.

5 Quirky Things About DH :

1. He paces around the house when he is talking on the phone.
2. He snores LOUDLY!
3. When he sneezes it sounds like he is coughing so I never know whether to say "God Bless You"
4. When we are driving he will read most of the signs he sees whether it is roadside or a store out loud.
5. Most tear jerker movies he will cry sometimes more then me

So that is my DH in a nutshell. I will say it again I love him more than anything and I do not know what I would do with out him (quirks and all). He makes all the dark days seem a little bit lighter.

So join in the fun and tell me about your hubby.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Christmas day

I had a good day this Christmas! We went to MIL for a little while. She bought herself a W.ii and let me tell you that thing is AWESOME! I had never played W.ii and now I need to figure out a way to get one. It is very addicting! We exchanged gifts and then I went to my sis's house. My nephews were so cute as always. As soon as I came down to the basement Jo.ey made a beeline to me because I had the presents. Of course I let them open them right away. It was fun to watch them open them. We of course got Jo.ey a train and some tracks for his new train table he got for Christmas. This kid is OBSESSED with trains. He has so many of them he could open his own store. No.ah is a little harder he doesn't have anything that he just loves but he does like to dance and he likes music so we got him a kiddie size keyboard and he loved it.

It was funny yesterday Jo.ey was not listening very well and my sis has been threatening with Santa for the last couple months saying "If you are not good Santa won't come" She always tells him she is going to call him. Well yesterday he called her bluff LOL. He said he wanted to talk to Santa. So she called me and asked for Santa and spelled DH name. So I got DH on the phone and he pretended to be Santa and told him to be good and to go potty in the potty like big boys. It worked and so sis said next year DH will be on call for the holiday season.

Anyway we had a delicious dinner and had a nice time with the family. I have to add that my mom has been doing fantastic on her diet and she looks really good. I am so proud of her.

I hope all of you had a great day!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


Nothing went my way today but I am home relaxing, it's Christmas so I am not complaining. I just wanted to wish all of you in blogland a very Merry Christmas! I hope you have a safe and happy day. Remember the New Year is right around the corner and with the New Year comes renewed hope. For all of you remembering a baby that never was or never came to be I am remembering with you and I hope you have peace this Christmas. That you remember there are many of out here who are thinking of you, praying for you and know exactly how you feel. I hope for Christmas you have a day filled with laughter and no tears. Thank you, all of you for helping me through some very difficult times. You all deserve the very best for Christmas and the whole year through!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Thy giveth...and thy taketh away

So remember the nice Christmas present I got. You know the extra money (hahaha) I don't think extra and money should really be in the same sentence. Anyway it is gone now...$200.00 gone for one slip on the ice. I should have known something would happen...it usually does.

The good news. I am now off of work for 6 glorious days! YAY for me! My husband is really sick of me saying that. He said if I hear 6 more days one more time. I said "Don't worry tomorrow I will say 5"...LOL. Dealing with this whole car thing all day made my day go by fast so that was good...I guess. I would have rather had a slow day but what can you do, such as life.

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas! I hope all wake up to a baby under the tree. I put my order in to Santa for everyone. Let me know if I have to call customer service because he didn't come through.

If you would like to here a lovely Christmas story head on over to Murgdan's blog. I love it! Like usual she will make you laugh.


Ugh we are getting more snow that tonight will turn into freezing rain and then tomorrow rain. Gotta love Mic.higan. Only a couple more hours of work and then I am outta here! DH just came to pick me up on my lunch so I could take him and pulling into our parking lot he tried to go to fast, hit some ice, slid into the curb...hard. So guess what we get for that simple little slip and slide....a cracked rim YAY for me so now we need to try to find someone to fix it today because really who is going to fix it on Christmas Eve? I have no money...crap, crap, crap.

I hate winter!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Top 101

Again I saw this on an Unfair Struggles blog and thought it would be a good idea. So here it goes...

101 random facts about myself that you may or may not know.

1. I am 34
2. I will soon be 35
3. I am an Aquarius
4. I have been married to my DH for 8 1/2 years.
5. We have been together for 15 1/2 and lived together pretty much the whole time.
6. I love DH more then anything (he told me to put this in here but I really really do)
7. 7 is my favorite number. I was born on the 7th in 1974. DH and I got married in the 7th month on the 21st (multiple of 7). His b-day is on the 14th (also a multiple of 7). We started dating 07/17. We had been dating for 7 yrs b4 we got married. My DH is 7 yrs older then me.
8. I have had 2 early miscarriages and 2 ectopics
9. One of my ectopis was extremely rare. It was in my cervix
10. I like to name all my animals with people names. Currently I have Sammy, Katiejo, Mia, Romeo and Juliet.
11. I love dolphins!
12. I have a dolphin tatoo that you can't see unless I wear a bikini and I don't think that will be happening again in this lifetime.
13. I have PCOS
14. I have been TTC for over 8 yrs
15. My favorite color is Red or Orange
16. I pretty much drink nothing but Coke. I love it!
17. I am an obsessive worrier. I can worry about anything and everything and once I have figured something out it is on to the next thing to worry about.---I hate it!
18. I hate peanut butter! I can not even stand the smell of it!
19. I love the smell of coffee but can't stand the taste.
20. I like the taste of watermellon flavor but I do not like watermellon.
21. My favorite desserts are ice cream pie and chocolate covered strawberries.
22. My favorite food is ribs.
23. I am a chocoholic. Dark chocolate is my favorite.
24. I have had a fire burn down my house---twice.
25. My sister's nickname for me is Bella ---I am not sure why.
26. My one "freebie" (wink, wink) is Mat.thew McCo.nau.ghey.
27. His is San.dra Bul.lo.ck.
28. I love Hockey! Red Wings are the best!
29. I love U of M football!
30. I wanted to be a lawyer growing up until I saw 1st hand how the justice system worked and I thought it sucked. I figured I would be always being held in contempt of court so I gave up on that.
31. My dream has been to write Children's books.
32. My biggest fear is that I will never have children.
33. I have been in 4 car accidents in my life. All of them were on the 21st of the month.
34. We got married on the 21st...pretty risky...I did not drive.
35. My nephew Jo.ey was born on our anniversary. What a great gift!
36. I have never broken a bone (knock on wood).
37. I am super organized. Ask me for instructions to the toaster and I have them and can get them within a minute.
38. I have read the Bible 3 times all the way through.
39. I am a reality TV addict.
40. My favorite non-reality shows are "He.roes" and "Lo.st".
41. My favorite movie is "50 Fir.st Da.tes"
42. I have made Iron Commentor every month I have entered ICLW so far...3 times going for the fourth.
43. Blogging has been one of my favorite things since I started it. It has been the savior of my sanity.
44. My DH does all the cooking in our house. I hate cooking!!!
45. I like snakes but I can not stand any type of bug, especially spiders!
46. I was a majorette in junior high.
47. In high school I played fast pitch softball.
48. I also sang in the choir. We went to state competition and received a 1 (which is the best).
49. I took 4 yrs of Spanish but I can not speak it (except to count and a few words here and there).
50. I am a night person. On weekends I am usually staying up until like 3 or 4 am doing nothing much.
51. It may be because I have insomnia.
52. I can not stand to use a towel more than once before washing.
53. I have to have my own bar of soap. I do not like to use soap that others have used.
54. I can recite the alphabet backwards.
55. I have dimples.
56. I believe everything happens for a reason even though we might not necessarily ever find out what that reason is...sometimes it really sucks.
57. I am obsessed with pens. I buy them all the time. I especially like the gel pens.
58. I would rather listen to talk radio then music most of the time.
59. Bi.lly Jo.el is my favorite singer. I have been to his concert 5 times.
60. I love grape flavored anything.
61. I love to watch ghost shows like Gh.ost Hun.ters and Gh.ost adv.enturs but I am not sure if I believe in ghosts.
62. I love horror movies.
63. My toe nails always must be painted and it is usually some form of red and they must be cut short.
64. I had some baby teeth until I was in my 20's and then I lost them and never got adult teeth.
65. Nobody is aloud to call me Shelly except one of BFF's because when we met we were working at a place that had another Michelle so I had to choose another name. So this is really what she knows me by except sometimes she tries to call me Michelle and it just sounds funny coming from her. The only other ones would be my nephews.
66.I would like to move to Tennessee one day.
67. I love to read but it always seems to go in spurts when I get into reading I can read a book in about 3-4 hrs.
68. If money was not a concern I would adopt lots of children.
69. I hate the snow except for the 1st minute after it has fallen before it is disturbed.
70. I secretly still like to watch the old Bev.erly Hi.lls 902.10. I loved that show and I still do ---disturbing I know.
71. I really do not feel like working right now...or ever...but don't get me wrong I am very thankful for my job.
72. Only 1 more day before my vacation.
73. I did not put up any Christmas decorations this year.
74. I did not send out Christmas cards either...I must be a scrooge.
75. I really would like to go sky diving and bungi jumping one day.
76. When I was a little girl I used to think men eventually turned into dogs because they were so hairy...(little did I know that some teenage and boys in their 20's were really the dogs.
77. I can name all the states, where they go and their capitals.
78. I can name all the countries of the world.
79. I love to be barefoot.
80. But I hate hate hate feet! ---its actually a pretty irrational hatred...I mean seriously hate.
81. I have really great eyesight and hearing. I think better then most at least in the eyesight department.
82. The feel of cotton balls gives me the heeby jeebies...I use them I just don't like the feel of them at all.
83. My first "love" ended up becoming really good friends with my DH and he stood up for him in our wedding.
84. I always have great plans to scarpbook and have even bought lots of supplies but I have never gotten around to actually doing it.
85. I love to play Scra.bble and Ba.ckgam.mon
86. I have never been out of the country...well I have been to Canada but seeing as Canada is closer to me then my mother and it literally takes 15 minutes to get there from my house I don't think it counts.
87. I love roller coasters but when we are going up the hill I have a harder time going up then I do going down. I hang on tight on the way up and hold up my arms on the way down---very weird I know.
88. I have always wanted to go to Australia but the long flight does not sound appealing.
89. I was arrested once ---Funny story, I did not pay a speeding ticket because I felt I should not have gotten it anyway so I figured I would show them and not pay it. I got pulled over about 6 months later and by this time I had a suspended license. The cop told me to have someone pick me up and go take care of the ticket...I didn't and 2 weeks later the SAME cop pulled me over and then he arrested me. I thought it was hilarious because really what are the chances of the same cop pulling you over...it took a while for me to convince my mom I was in jail and I needed her to bail me out. She got lost and meanwhile I got arraigned via video. The judge asked me if I understood the charges I said yes...he said how do you plead...I said Guilty...he said obviously you don't understand so I will accept your plea of not guilty and see you in a couple weeks...apparently pleading guilty would have meant I would have spent a while in jail. I went back a few weeks later and paid a 200 fine and it was done. That was my big time in the slammer. I guess I really showed them by not paying the ticket...hahaha
90. I love God but I am not religious.
91. I love love love when I get comments on my blog. It makes my whole day.
92. This list is a whole lot harder then I thought it would be.
93. I love to get mail that is not bills like catalogs, cards and letters...however I do not get many. :(
94. I get sucked in by infomercials. I swear anything they are trying to sell I am convinced I absolutely have to have it.
95. I can not wait for this year to be over.
96. I really hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!
97. and a Happy New Year!
98. I thank you all for your support!
99. I hope their is a massive baby boom next year and all of us in this community have babies.
100. I may complain but I am truly a blessed person!
101. If you read this whole thing thank you.

Whew I am so glad I am done.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

It's that time already?

Welcome all you ICLWers. I can not believe it is this time again. I feel like it was just ICLW last week. This year has just flown by. Let me give you a recap of me for all of you who are new to this blog and the regulars. I hope you all have a safe and very MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Name: Michelle
Age: 34 (soon to be 35)
Diagnosis: PCOS
TTC: For over 8 yrs. In the process I have had 3 lost babies. 2 early miscarriage and 2 ectopics.

I live in Michigan and right now it is COLD!!!! and very snowy! I hate this weather but as they say here wait 5 minutes and it will change.

I have been married to my DH for 8 1/2 years but we have been together for 15 1/2. we have lived together for pretty much the whole time. He is a truly wonderful man and I do not know what I would do or where I would be without him.

My sis has 2 kids Jo.ey and No.ah that I talk about often here. They can always be counted on to bring a smile to my face. I can not wait to spend Christmas with them. Jo.ey is 3 and No.ah is almost 2. I love them with all my heart.

Currently I am on "break" from TTC because I had a mc in July and I want to stay sane. Also I need to save money for IVF. I will probably go in sometime in February or March to try one more round of injections with added progesterone. My RE never gave me progesterone before even though I have proven to have early mc and I have PCOS. So we are going to try it this time. I hope it works because I am not sure how I will afford IVF.

Anyway, thank you for stopping by and I hope to talk soon. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I can not wait for 2009!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

It's the final countdown

We survived "the Great Storm of 'o8". Every one is safe and warm now. I believe we did get the 10 inches of snow and some of the roads are still not great but over all it is good. On my way to work yesterday it was a little scary and I wondered if my Fus.ion would be able to trudge through all that snow but it did. It is a good car. DH went around in the afternoon and made some cash shoveling snow, so extra cash is always good. Oh, and the cutest thing...I let my dogs out when we got home and they are not tall dogs and we did not have a path shoveled for them but it had been all day for them so I let them out and it was hilarious. Sammy walked in the middle and then realized uh the snow is over me and watching him try to get out was the funniest thing. Katie just stayed by the house...she was the smart one. I ran to get my camera to snap a picture but by that time Sammy got the hang of it and was hoping like a rabbit to the back door. Too cute!

Today, I finished my Christmas shopping and I am very excited about that..well I might have a couple little things to get but other than that I am done. Plus my boss got me a gift certificate to Ba.th and Bo.dy Wo.rks so I went and stocked up on lotions and stuff. I think I may be addicted to lotions. I am starting quite the collection and I could have bought more but I didn't have any money left. Let me tell you the stores are CRAZY today! The lines to get in and out of the strip malls were insane! But I don't have to go back until after Chris.tmas and that is what matters.

Tonight, I am going to curl up on my couch and watch some Christmas movies I have DVR'd throughout the week. DH is going out with his brother later tonight. It is BIL's b-day so they are going to the bar and having a good ole time. It is great with me because I can have some relaxation alone time. Just what I need.

Last but certainly not least...I am on a final count down until I am off work for 1,2,3,4,5,6 that is 6 days folks!!! Six in a row and it is not because I had a miscarriage and it is not because I am sick (knock on wood)or for RE appointments. I think this a first for me in a looong time! I can not wait! I so need a break from that place. So 2 more working days (16 hrs) and then I am outta there!

I hope you have a great weekend!!!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Favorite Things Friday

Update: It is not just snowing it is dumping on us...and yes I am at work :(

Ok All, I have a new favorite thing and it is Exhale: A Literary Magazine for Intelligent People Who Have Lost a Baby, Or Have Trouble Making Babies in the First Place. The first issue just came out and it was put together by Monica over at Knocked up, Knocked Down (one of my favs). You did such a good job Monica and all the other women ( Monica C, Cara, Chicklet, Sharon, Shawn, Heather, Pamela, Murgdan, and Arielle, who wrote and are writing for it. You made me laugh out loud, nod in agreement, and let out a giant EXHALE because you all GET it...you GET me. I am so glad this came together so nicely and I can not wait to read more!

So if you have not checked it out please go over there and read it cover to cover or I guess web page to web page. It will definitely leave you wanting more! Thank you again for this fantastic magazine!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Storm of the Century

So we are gearing up for the "STORM of the Century". At least according to the news. We are suppose to get up to 10 inches of snow so it should make driving to work SO much fun...I can't wait! According to all reports I better stock up on food for the next 4 weeks because we will be SNOWED IN! LOL I just love how the news plays these storms. You would think te end of the world is on it's way.

We had a big meeting today that said "Storm Preparations" here I was getting my hopes up and they basically wanted to discuss what we are going to do with the calls when no one shows up tomorrow. There is a .000000000000000001% chance that a car company that shall remain nameless may decide to close the building but in the 7 yrs I have worked there it has only happened in the "Great East Coast Blackout" a few years ago. I say if you are trying to save money you should just close for the day, I mean no one is buying cars anyway...especially in a snow storm, but I guess that is why I am not paid the "big" bucks. I hate driving in the snow. It's pretty for about the first few minutes before everyone stomps all over it but then it just sucks! I'm hoping the "Great snow of '08" doesn't happen but we will see in the morning. Oh well, I guess I will go get my sled dogs ready for tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Early Christmas present

I had a nice thing happen to me this weekend. I got a call from a place that I have a home equity line of credit and a personal loan through. They just wanted to ask me if it was ok if they defer my 2 payments this month so I would not have to pay them this month. I would just resume payments next month. Uh let me think about that....YES!!! This is the 2nd time they have done this and I told them "for the record you don't really have to ask me you can just tell me I don't have to pay. You really won't get any argument from me." They said they had to but I think it is a great Christmas present. It helps me a little. Hmmm if only I could get my mortgage company and car company to do that I would be all set.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Marker of Time

Christmas is always a marker of time for me. As I am sure it is with a lot of you. It's the time (along with my birthday) that I always torture myself and say "Next year I will have a baby or will be expecting a baby". It never happens, but I plan it out in my head...making the Grand Announcement at Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, buying cute ornaments that read "babies first Christmas". I never learn. The hope of a new year lingers in the air. It's just around the corner it was just the luck of the number...2009 will be better. This will be the year that all the stars align all my wishing on a star, throwing pennies in a wishing well, and making a wish as I blow out my birthday cake candles...this is the time it will come true. I start making deals I will do this if by this time next year everything is different, if I have a baby bump and not a fatty lump. If I have a baby that lives instead of another angel waiting for me in heaven. Sadly all the deal making hasn't resulted in anything except another year of dreams dashed and hearts broken.

So at Christmas time I wish I could close my eyes and click my ruby red slippers and go back to where the world is right to where wishes and dreams really do come true. But I go on, I've learned to as they say "Fake it til you make it". Some year (and I'm sure it will be next year)will be my year. It will be the year that makes all the previous years worth it. It will make all the pain, not go away because I don't think it will ever fully go away, but it will lessen. Everything I do and everything that go through is experienced differently because of the emptiness in my heart. It is so sad all that IF takes away.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Favorite things Friday

This time for my favorite things I am going to talk about my favorite Christmas movie. That is 'Whi.te Chri.stmas'. I absolutely love love love this movie. I can't wait for this time of year just so I can watch it. I only watch it 1 time and it is always with my mom. We have made a tradition of it. Every year we have a sleep over, pajama party of sorts and watch this movie. We sing all the songs (and fast forward the one part we both hate). I could probably recite the whole movie. I have never been much of a musical girl or an old movie girl but this one is different. The dresses, the dancing, the singing were all so beautiful back then. If I have a little girl someday I hope to pass on this tradition and watch the movie with her. I enjoy this time with my mom staying up late and talking. The only thing that has put a little sadness in it is the first time I got pregnant it was right around this time that I found out and I remember going to my moms and thinking next year at this time I will have a baby with me. Next year will be different...and then it wasn't. So it is the reminder of my failure that lingers but it has not stolen my joy from this movie. I won't let it. So this weekend I will be getting in my pj's and popping in the old vcr tape (my mom has still not figured out her dvd player) and singing, laughing, and talking the way Christmas traditions should be. This weekend I will not let the Christmas that should of been get in the way of enjoying the Christmas that is. That is why this is one of my favorite things. Do you have a special Christmas tradition? What do you enjoy most about the season?

Monday, December 8, 2008

Did you know icicles could type?

This weekend was nice because guess what I did....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! I don't think I have been that lazy in a loooong time and it felt so good! Saturday it snowed her all day so I laid in bed all day and I actually went to sleep at 7:30. That is a shocker for me because I am a total night person. Seriously on the weekends I will stay up until 4:00am just because (not because I am partying). Week days I stay up until 1:00am and I get up at 6:30-7:00am. So it felt great to sleep and not feel guilty about it. I guess that would be one advantage to not having kids...I should enjoy it.

It is so cold here and we are not even into winter yet. January and February are the worst and I am not looking forward to them. I work for an auto company and apparently to conserve some cash they have decided heat is a perk and not a necessity. I am sitting at my desk with a sweater, a coat, and a blanket on and I am still freezing. I feel like a human icicle. The building I work in is made pretty much out of glass and I sit right by the windows so it is CCCCCOLD! They already said that their will be no lighting after 7:00pm until 7:00 am so all the people who work at those times I guess have to BYOF (bring your own flashlight). Does not make for a very reassuring, job security, work environment.

Anyway, I guess I should get back to work...lunch time is over. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Deep down in your soul

Last night I babysat for my nephews. I know I say it every time but they are so cute! They are always so good for us! They made me laugh and smile all night. They went to bed with no problems. The little one No.ah will not say his name. He will repeat anything you say and I mean anything but if you say No.ah he says "me". It is so funny. We try every way and he just won't do it. It cracks me up!

Anyway, Jo.ey fell asleep on the couch and one moment I was just staring at him, watching him sleep. Tears formed in my eyes because I thought to myself, will I ever know the pure and utter happiness that is having a child of my own? I mean I am sure I can be happy and enjoy life without one but not the deep down in your soul COMPLETE, nothing else matters happiness. The kind that makes you feel complete, like you have contributed something to this world. That when you leave it, you have left it better then when you came. I want a child so bad it hurts! I want a family! I know what the deep down in you soul sadness feels like and I want so desperately to feel the happiness. To think it may never happen makes me sad and angry!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Favorite things Friday

Hmmm what do I write about this week... It's junk food Christmas time so this week my favorite things will be 2 candies I ABSOLUTELY LOVE!!! Now I am a CHOCOHOLIC! And dark chocolate is the best! Hershey Kisses and Reisens are the bestest! (Funny thing is I do NOT like the dark chocolate Hershey kisses.) The sad thing is I can sit and eat a whole bag in a night. I am usually someone who like to savour it. I like knowing it is in the house so if I wanted to I could have it but not with these candies. But lately I can't get enough. Maybe being psychological for a moment I am trying to "feed the feelings" rather than feel bad. I'm sure I read that somewhere. LOL Oh well they taste great and for this month I am going to try and not worry about it. I have enough to worry about as it is. Although, it is not good for PCOSer trying to have baby but I have decided anything eaten in the month of December is calorie free! (Must I remind you...my blog, my dream). BTW reisen's have dark chocolate, and isn't that now considered a health food? I know, I know a whole bag is a little counter productive but I am just trying to make sure I get all the healthy antioxidants and stuff. I mean if a little is good then a lot must be much better. Anyway, I am testing the theory and I will let you know how I come out on that. I could go on and on but words would not do any good...you just have to eat them.


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

More stupid things people say

Why do people feel that I need "practice". I mean really that's what you think will help me and get me to do what you want? WTF? I have had people say this to me when referring to watching their or other peoples children "You should do it. It will be good practice for you." Maybe, and I am just thinking out loud here..."I DO NOT want practice!" I DO NOT NEED ANYMORE PRACTICE! I WANT the real thing! I have had enough "practice" and again thinking out loud here...It probably is not a good thing to say to someone who is trying to have a baby, someone who has had 4 failed pregnancies and now has tried to quit "practicing" for 101 months. I mean would you say to a parapalegic "hey, why don't you watch me walk. It will be good for you since you just sit around all day." NO YOU WOULD NOT! IT's hurtful! It's insensitive! Why do people not take infertility seriously? It is frustrating.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

We saw Stanley

look what i did without a kid!

This was a great idea by the wonderful Monica over at Knocked Up, Knocked Down. Check out what she did without kids here.

So I am bummed out because I can not find the pictures I've looked and looked but they are no where to be found, which BTW is so unlike me. It looks like I have some reorganizing to do. Anyway the story will have to do.

This Look What I Did without a Kid time was actually from before we were technically "officially" trying to conceive but we were also not doing anything to prevent pregnancy at this time. And this would not have been possible at all with children.

My DH is a huge, I mean HUGE, sports fan. So much so he will go into anybody's house even if he has never met you, and take over the TV so he does not miss anything. It drives me crazy but I Love him so I deal with it. I am a sports fan as well just not quite to the extent of DH. I grew up watching football with my dad and playing softball, volleyball,swimming, and bowling. I had never watched hockey. My dad didn't like it so I never learned anything about it. My DH on the other hand loved it! So when we met he taught me everything about hockey and I grew to love it as well. It also did not hurt that my home team the Detroit Red Wings were getting very good at this time. My love started for hockey in 1993 and then in 1997 the Red Wings won there 1st Stanley Cup in 40 years. So in 1998 the Red Wings were going for their 2nd straight Stanley Cup and we did not want to miss it. They were playing the Washington Capitals in Washington DC. It was the final game and we were going to go downtown and celebrate with everyone when they won.

The night before game day we decided, screw that we are going to drive to Washington DC. Now we only had about 160.00 to our name and no tickets but we both called off work hopped in the car and drove 13 hours over night which BTW was a feat in itself since I at the time was having panic attacks something like 4-5 times a day. It was not fun. But I figured we would never get a chance like this again so we drove. When you are having panic attacks you don't really like leaving the house let alone driving to an unfamiliar place. My DH (boyfriend at the time) was so patient because I pretty much made him stop at every rest stop on the way there just so I could see the map that says "you are here". He never complained one bit.

Anyway we got there and stood out side the arena hoping they would release tickets or someone would be selling some. We were there all day and no one was selling them and they did not release any. It was like being in Detroit though because everyone was there for the Red Wings. We had fun hanging out but when it got close to game time we headed to a bar to watch the game. At the bar we started talking to a couple and telling them our story and they were like "I can't believe you did that with no tickets". We said "we had to try". I heard someone come in and say "I have 2 tickets for sale: and I think I dove over 4 table to get to the guy. He then told me it would be 400.00 for them and I said sorry I can't afford that. Well the couple sitting next to us said they would sell us their tickets for 160.00 and they would buy the 400.00 tickets since they were better seats anyway. We bought them and raced to the arena. We sat in our seats as the sang the National Anthem. We got to see them win the Stanley Cup that night and it was amazing! I have some really cool pictures that someday when I find them I will post them. We then drove 13 hours home but this time we didn't need to stop every time because I knew where we were going. Plus we were high from the excitement of the win.

It was a day I will never forget and something that would definitely not been possible with kids.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Crappy Thanksgiving

Oh Man I am so glad to be home. Sorry this will not be a Friday Favorite things. I am too pissed for that right now.

What a craptastic Thanksgiving I have had. We went to my MIL house for dinner. She had 19 people in a 2 bedroom house. Loads of fun let me tell you. I got to meet my new nephew Con.ner the 2nd son of my 21 yr old BIL with his 2nd girlfriend. I was prepared for it. I was ready to meet the little bundle of joy. Actually looking forward to it. He was so cute!

However, what I was not prepared for was to guess NOT hear but guess by statements like "no I can't drink", "No I can't have any shrimp" and then looking over at the nice little baby bump fashioned by my 24yr old SIL now pregnant with her 2nd baby also not married and also with a different daddy. I was like CRAPULOUS! I could not stand it.

No one had the decency to warn me ahead of time. To give me the chance to process this new info in my own way, on my own time, in my own home before being able to say congratulations. When I first figured it out I was upset and I quietly excused myself to the other room to cry but I thought I would give MIL the benefit of the doubt. There is no telling about my SIL, maybe she just found out herself. Surely MIL knew what this would do to me and she would tell me....WRONG! Everyone and I mean EVERYONE that then started pouring into the house were "OMG I heard your pregnant again! That is so great congratulations!" So she knew and she has known for a while! It infuriates me because now they get an attitude because I am not gushing over the mommy to be. WTF people? Why can't you show some courtesy? I can be happy for her eventually (even though I do not think and no one else thinks for that matter that she is a very good mom seeing as her 4 year old is scared to death of her). I could have said "congratulations! When are you due? Is it a girl or a boy?" I could of if I would have the chance to let the shock sink in. Let it settle that she can have baby after baby with out a second thought while I sit her 34 and barren! But I never had the chance so I avoided as much as possible. I mean I had to guess...even if she would have called me into the other room and said I am sorry I did not tell you but SIL is pregnant, I know it is hard" but NO. My DH said to his mom "It would have been nice if you could have warned us. It would have taken the sting away a little." To which she said "there is nothing I can do about it now." No "I'm sorry" no nothing...basically saying screw you and your feelings. Then adding to it was the new baby so it was like someone was playing a cruel joke...here is what you are not and what you don't have. Happy Craptastic Thanksgiving to me! I knew I did not want to go over there. Infertility sucks but even more this time of year!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I am thankful

In honor of Thanksgiving I would like to do a post about what I am thankful for. At night I always try to count my blessings just before I go to sleep. I figure I spend a lot of time wishing for things I don't have and asking why me, I need to also spend time being grateful. I have a lot to be thankful and here are some of those things...

1. My husband - as mentioned in previous posts here and here, he is a great man. He is my soul mate and I do not know what I would do without him. I love you honey.

2.My job - I get very frustrated with it a lot, especially lately, but I am very grateful to have one. Especially since I work in the auto industry, which is a very scary industry to work in, I am happy that I am getting a pay check every two weeks and a semi good one at that.

3. My fur babies - Sammy, Katie Jo, Mia, and even the birds Romeo and Juliet. They put a smile on my face every day. They can take a bad day and erase all the badness. They love me unconditionally and I love them with all my heart.

4. My nephews - Jo.ey and No.ah. I am blessed to have them in my life. Although sometimes it is hard to think I should have children the same age, they are my heart and if they were not in my life I would not have the sunshine they bring me even on a cold dreary day.

5. My sister - Who in the last 4-5 years has become my best friend. It is a place that I never thought we would be. We did not get along for a long time and it made me sad but I am so happy to have developed this relationship with her. She offers unconditional support and I am so glad she is my not only my sister but my friend.

6. My mother - A mother who loves me for who I am. She can be infuriating sometimes but I would not be the person I am today if it wasn't for her. She taught me strength through some unimaginable rough times, perserverance (or maybe that is stubborness?), and most of all love.

7. My friends - The friends who stick by me through every thing. Who call to say if I need them to call them any time and they will be here in a second. They have held me up when I did not think I would be able to stand again. They made me laugh when I thought there was nothing to laugh about and they stand by my side when I feel alone.

8. My internet friends - You guys are the greatest. The support I receive from people who have never met me is nothing short of AMAZING. If you want to know more about how I feel about you just read my recent post here. Thank you again!

9. All my angels - When I get to heaven someday I will have all of you there waiting for me. That is going to be beautiful. You taught me love is possible for someone you have not even met yet and someone that was only here in my belly for only a few days or weeks. I wish with all that I am that it could have ended differently, that I could hold you in my arms and watch you grow up but I can't so I choose to be grateful for the short time I felt you and someday I will see you. I love you my angels.

10. My infertility - yes you read that right. Do not get me wrong I do not wish this on anyone and if I could choose I would definitely not choose this road. But it has taught me so much! Somethings I wish I did not have to learn, but still when I finally do get to hold that precious baby in my arms one thing they will never lack is love. They will know how much they are wanted and loved. I will never take one second of their lives for granted. I think IF has taught me how to be one great mother, which I hope to be someday, and I am thankful.

So those are my top 10 things I am thankful for. Notice it is not things it is people. Surround yourself with good loving people and you will have so much to be thankful for everything else comes in a distant second.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I hate to think this but... (kids mentioned)

Yesterday I did my usual visit with my sis and my nephews. We usually spend Saturday's together. I love spending the time with my nephews. They amaze me all the time. They are so cute. They just got back from Florida and Jo.ey was telling me about his trip and he said that he missed me. Melted my heart. My sis was telling me about the boat ride from Hell they went on. You see last year we went to Florida and we went on a boat to see dolphins. It was an awesome ride. It was just us on the oat and we got some amazing pictures. This time she booked a sunset cruise without thinking. So it was a bunch of couples looking for a romantic ride and then her, her husband, and her kids. Not so romantic. Anyway, the boat driver made everyone stay in their seats for the entire time, which is not something a 3 and 1 year old like to do. Anyway she was holding them both and one reached into her pocket, pulled out a piece of paper and the brand new cell phone which then preceded to fall to the bottom of the ocean. LOL. Jo.ey was so upset because he felt so bad. He said "don't worry mama, daddy and I will just go to the store and buy you a new one. that's all we have to do." Aww you can't really be mad at that. Now when you call her cell it says " you have reached me at the bottom of the ocean..." ROFL.

Anyway, she told me they decided while they were in Florida to not have any more kids. My thought was, Great! I am such a terrible person. Why would I think that? I was just so happy that I do not have to worry about getting the call hearing my younger sis is pregnant again with her 3rd while I am still sitting here trying to have 1. Every time she says "guess what?" or "I have something to tell you." my heart sinks. At least now (until they change their mind) I do not have to worry about that. I hate that I think that way. I hate it, hate it, hate it!

Saturday, November 22, 2008


Welcome all you lovely ICLWers. Let me tell you a little about myself for those of you who do not read my blog regularly (gasp I can't believe EVERYONE does not read this LOL). I got this idea from the wonderful Unfair Struggle I think it is great so I have adopted it.

Name: Michelle
Age: 34
Diagnosis: PCOS
TTC: 8+ years or 100 months to be exact
Married: 8+ years but been together for 15+

I started blogging in August after me 4th lost baby. I have had 2 (1st and 3rd)early miscarriages at around 5-6 weeks. Once I got pregnant on my own but every oter time has been assisted by clomid or injections. This last time was an IUI. I have also had 2 ectopic pregnancies. 1 was a rare ectopic in my cervix. They now consider me a case study and so every time I go to my RE I have 3 or more doctors checking me. It's barrels of laughs. This last one was an ectopic but we caught it very early so luckily I did not lose any tubes or anything.

After the last one I decided to take a "break" to save my sanity and to save some money for IVF. I am not going to start until at least February of next year. I decided to take at least 6 months because if I have one more miscarriage I think I might jump off the nearest bridge (not really). My heart has been broken so many times I have a hard time believing it is possible. So during my break I decided I needed to find people who were like me. I needed people who understood what I felt. People who would not say..."Just relax", "Maybe you should adopt", or "It's your bodies way of getting rid of something that would not have worked anyway". That is when I started blogging and it has made a tremendous difference to me. Just read my previous post about how I feel about all of you.

Every Friday I do Favorite things Friday which have included things like you, my DH, my DVR, and Baileys with caramel. Other things I love are my 2 nephews Jo.ey (3) and No.ah (1). They are my heart. Dolphins, reading, hanging out with friends, Red Wings hockey, U of M football (although they are a sad team to watch this year), CHOCOLATE, and my fur babies dog Sammy, dog Katie Jo, cat Mia.

Thank you for stopping by it is great to have all of this support. Talk to you all soon.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Favorite things Friday

Well, it's that time again. Time for my favorite things. This week it perfectly coincides with the beginning of ICLW, which is great since it is one of my favorite things. Since starting my blog in August I have participated twice and have made iron commenter both times. I plan on trying again. I think this is so great that I love that Mel in her infinite wisdom has organized this along with all the other wonderful things she does.

Anyway, it is one of my favorite things because of all the wonderful people I have met. I have said it before but it never hurts to say it again ALL OF YOU ARE TRULY WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, and INSPIRING people. Also as I am sure you have heard before I have felt so alone for the last 8+ years going through this. While I have had the support (the best way they know how) from family and friends, it is still difficult because they can't truly understand what I am going through, what I feel, how I hurt. They try...but they can't know. You know. You hurt with me, you are frustrated like me, you are angry at IF like me, you laugh with me, you are hopeful with me and I can not tell you how GREAT it feels. I read your stories and I feel all the same for you. I have shed tears for many of you and jumped for joy at your successes because each success you have is a little more hope for me. It is strange that I can feel so much for so many people that I have never met but I truly do!

When I started blogging I had NO idea! I had not had internet in my home for over 5 years so I had not read ANY blogs. I did not know there were all of you out here. I did not realize there was a whole community like you. When I wrote my first entry I was nieve because I thought maybe I would be educating everyone that may come to my blog, that I was somehow the lone person who was ready to share this journey and then I found you and realized there were so many (too many) of us. Too many people who had to be in this journey with me. And in the short time I have been doing this you all have educated me. You are my IF family. I wish you did not have to be here but I am so glad you are because without you I don't think I would have any hope. I was at a point that I did not think it was possible for someone to hurt so much and have their heart broken again and again and again and still go on but I can because you can...because you DO! So many stories of strength through things I would not wish on my worst enemy. Stories of Hope and stories of such love for something that most of do not even have yet.

You all, everyone, make me feel normal (as much as you can with IF), you help me stay sane, you give me HOPE and I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

RE: Employment at To Baby and Beyond, INC

How is it that I get disappointed month after month when AF visits? I am on "break". I have been trying for exactly 100 months as of this month. I have only gotten pregnant 4 times and all did not end well. That is a 4% pregnancy rate and 0% baby rate, yet I seem genuinely surprised when my dear "aunt" arrives. Go away! You are not welcome here! I have composed a letter and I am sending it registered mail...

RE: Employment at To Baby and Beyond INC

Dear Aunt Flo,

We thank you for your loyal services but at this time we find it necessary to release you from your current position. We are looking to pump some youth and breathe life back in to our company.

Over the last several years your work ethic has been on a steady decline. You have not been very dependable. You show up only when you feel like it and then stay longer then what is stated in your contract. Your work environment is so messy it is actually painful and when you do show up everyone around you seems to be in a bad mood.

So at this time we have decided your once monthly visits will not be necessary as we are doing some restructuring and we are looking for a replacement that will fit better with our companies long term goals.

Take this time to do some searching. Get some refresher training. Go out and meet new people, reconnect with some old friends who need you. In approximately 9 months feel free to apply again and we will review your resume. If your goals become more in line with our company mission statement and goal we will consider your reinstatement. Thank you for your service.



Sunday, November 16, 2008

More cuteness from my nephews (kids mentioned)

Not much going on with me this weekend. It has been very relaxing. I thought I would share some more cuteness from my nephew Jo.ey. This morning they were leaving for their trip to Florida and since we live 5 minutes from the airport we always get the treat of driving everyone to the airport. I am thinking about charging an airport parking fee (hey gotta raise money for IVF somehow LOL).

Anyway, they got here at the nice and early time of 7:00 am and when I got in the car half asleep my nephews were so cute. Jo.ey was sooo excited about going on airplane he could not contain is excitement. No.ah started screaming my name and Jo.ey says Aunt Shell can't go because we don't have any money for her (mention one thing several months ago and he has not forgotten). He said he would bring me home a crocodile but he could not bring me home the beach because the beach had to stay with the sun and the sun had to stay with the water. Such a smart kid he has already learned that the sun doesn't belong in Michigan this time of year. LOL Anyway they melt my heart every time I see them. When I said goodbye he said " I will miss you, but I'll be back" Awww again isn't he sweet!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

The Speak Up and Speak Out Award

I have been nominated by the wonderful Jamied. Thank you. I decided a long time ago after trying for a couple years that I would not suffer in silence. I was going to let people know how much IF SUCKS!!!! I was sick of feeling alone and I think people need to be educated. We are not alone and that is one thing I have learned especially since starting my blog. I am sad and angry that so many have to be a part of this "club" but I am glad that all of you beautiful people are out there and I thank you for your support.

Read the full post here .
I am going to list a few of my favorite criteria here for being an angry infertile.
-If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand
-If you know what a cootercam is
- If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "it's God's will"
- If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!"

Check out the rest of the post for the entire list. It's sad that I can relate to every one of them.
Rules for posting award:

1. Link back to this post so that others will read the original story behind the award
2. Nominate 4 others who have not been "silent about their infertility"
3. Enjoy speaking out and speaking up :D

I nominate:

Broken Bits
Knocked Up, Knocked Down
The Great Big IF
An Unwanted Path

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Favorite Things Friday

My name is Michelle and I am a reality TVaholic. The first step is admitting you have a problem...right? I can't get enough of it! I know it's trash. I know it's crap. I do not care. Whether it be a bunch of strangers living in a house together or a show about some "has been" celebrity, as long as they ain't singin', dancin', datin' or Pa.m.ela An.d.erson. I am watchin'. My favorite is Bi.g Brother or the Ama.zing Ra.ce. I could never be on these shows because I think everyone in America would be voting me off or rooting for me to fail. I would be the paranoid person, the impatient person. That is why I would never try out for these shows. It always cracks me up when these people go on these shows and they are like "you are a back stabber". " You lied to me". UHH DUH! Have you not seen the last 10 seasons of the show? If that is not who you are, if you can't live with yourself then please spare us all the drama and don't try out for the show.

My husband hates that I watch these shows. But he watches every kind of sport you could ever think of no matter what. He is obsessed with sports, I am obsessed with reality TV. Maybe it's because I can watch someone else's "reality" instead of always dealing with mine. I can get lost in their problems and escape mine for just that little bit. With the beauty of my other favorite thing the DVR I can tape them all which has only enabled my addiction. Oh well someday when I have kids I won't care to watch them because I will have other important things to occupy my time. Right now I have my reality tv and I love it! I could quit anytime I wanted to...um ya really I could.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Head vs Heart

I look at "them" and think..."do they know how lucky they are?" Do "they" take it for granted? Do they appreciate every ache and pain? every nauseous morning? every sleepless night? I think of this every time I look at a pregnant woman passing me in the hall or standing with me in the elevator. I hate that I think this. I hate that I own this bitterness. That I some how think just because someone got pregnant that because "they" did not "earn" it or work for it as hard as I am that somehow they are less deserving. What does that make me? Someone I do not want to be...

Who knows maybe they did "earn" it and tried for years to get pregnant. Maybe they paid thousands of dollars for their 1 miracle or maybe they didn't. I should not assume. I should not judge. It does not matter how they became pregnant, had their baby, whether they appreciate it or not. None of that matters. None of that is what I am really talking about here...

If you read between the lines, look deep into my heart what I am really asking but I don't want to admit is...what did they do that I am not doing?...what makes them more deserving then me?...will I ever be a mom?

Just saying that takes my breath away a little. The thought that I will never know what it is like to have someone call me mom scares the hell out of me. My head knows nobody is more or less deserving. My head knows outer appearance is not necessarily a reflection of what is going on. You never really know what someone is going through. They may be thinking about me..."does she know how lucky she is?" My head knows these things but my heart is a different story. My heart wants a reason, a justification for the pain. My heart wants a timeline. When will the pain end? When will all that it has yearned for, all that it has hoped for, all that is broken for come to be? When will it be whole again?...the answer my brain does not have. So therefore my heart tries to make a deal. If I do this then I can have that. Maybe if I am more like her or not like her then and only then my dream will come true. It's a futile attempt. I know it will never work...well at least my brain knows. Someone just needs to let my heart know. Believe me I've tried...it's not a very good listener.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Perfect Moment Monday

My perfect moment came this weekend when I was over visiting my nephews. They are all going to Florida next week and I was suppose to go but I can't afford to take off of work right now and I am broke. So a couple months ago my nephew Jo.ey asked if I was going. I told him no because Aunt Shell does not have enough money. Fast forward to this past Saturday I was over and Jo.ey asked his mom if I was going with them next week to Florida. She said "Go ask her." He disappeared for a few minutes and came back with his piggy bank filled with money (it was very heavy especially for a 3 year old). He handed me his piggy bank and said "here is my money can you come to Florida with us now". Awww isn't that so sweet! It was very hard to say I still was unable to go. I couldn't believe he remembered from a couple months ago that I said I did not have the money. Too cute! For more perfect moments head on over to Lori's and see that everyone else is sharing.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Show and Tell (kids mentioned and pics)

My show and Tell this week is my nephews on Halloween. They were so cute and so excited to go out and get candy. The 3 year old is Jo.ey and he was the spider. The 19 month old is No.ah and he was the pumpkin. Jo.ey assigned the Halloween costumes this year. He was going to be the pumpkin but then decided he dd not want to be that anymore. And as with anything he doesn't want he pushes it off on his little brother. The little one would not let anyone put the candy in his bag it had to be in his hand and then he wanted them open so he could eat it. So by the third house he was covered in chocolate and then a sticky sucker but it was oh so cute. He would go up to the houses and say Tick teeeeeet.

Jo.ey...he said it was a good spider so I did not have to be scared of him.
No.ah...the hat was the cutest, it kept falling over his eyes.Photobucket

For more show and tell head on over to Mel's place.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Favorite Things Friday

My favorite thing I want to talk about this week is my DVR or digital video recorder. Some call it TiVo, some call it a PVR but whatever you call it I think it is one of the greatest inventions. How I lived without this gem I will never know. I can tape anything I want with the touch of a button and then I never have to sit through boring commercials.

Since I do not have any children to occupy my time and when I am not on the computer or working I like to watch TV. Probably way to much TV but oh well. I am a reality TV addict and with this handy dandy device I can pretty much watch all of them except I am not into the talent competitions like American Idol (yes I said it... I do not like American Idol)and I hate dating shows like the Bachelor, oh and I am so over SURVIVOR. All other crap TV is fair game. Plus if the show is boring or moving slowly I can speed it up. So while I watch a lot more shows I can actually spend less time watching TV because of my DVR. What would normally take like 4 hours of TV I can watch in 2.5 hours. I love it! You never have to miss a thing and then you do not have to fight with your hubby who is OBSESSED with sports because now you can just record and watch later. Everyone is happy!

So that's it...if you don't have one and you watch TV then you should get one as soon as possible. It is also great if you have kids because you can record your shows while they watch theirs and again everyone is happy!

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! I am hoping mine is!

Monday, November 3, 2008


so I was experimenting and it did not work, lost the post...oh well.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Favorite things Friday

Well, since I am in a funk I am not really "feeling" the favorite things but I am going to post about my absolute most favorite thing in the whole wide world...that is my husband.  I know I have said it before but he is truly a great man! He is the love of my life, my rock of gibralter, my knight on a white horse and whatever other cliche you can think of. He knows how to make me laugh when I feel there is nothing to laugh about. He knows how to talk me down when I have reached the edge and I want to jump (not literally). He spoils me (shhh don't tell him I told you that). As I have stated this week has not been a good week. For some things I can say and others that are not necessarily my story to tell and still others that I have yet to discover in the depths of my sometimes very crazy mind.

When I get like this I can take things, small things, and blow them up until it is the end of life as we know it. I don't know if this is a result of the infertility or other things that have happened in my life but it has become some what of a 'thing' for me. I hate this about me. It is not an enjoyable character trait. It is not something that you hear me go off on my tangents and say there is something I wish I could do, gee she has all together. But some how through all my craziness and my inability to produce 1 live baby in 8 years of trying and 4 pregnancies my DH looks at me like I am his soul mate. I am the one he chooses to be with forever and ever. I am the one he loves more then life itself. Why he does not pack up and run in the other direction is sometime beyond my imagination. Now don't get me wrong I am also the source of much humor and bewilderment for him because he is the most laid back person I know. Things DO NOT stress him out! He alsways sees the "glass half full" and always reassures that things are going to work out just the way they are suppose to and that will be perfect. ..much to my dismay because I want to know how exactly are they going to work. Someone needs to run this by me and make sure it is what I had planned. Make sure it fits in to my version of how my life is suppose to go.

I wish I could be more like him or he more like me sometimes but I know that would never work! That is why were are the perfect balance. We fit "like a glove". If we were both like him nothing would ever get done because we would be sitting around waiting for eveything to happen "the way it is suppose to" and if we were both like me we would sit around planning everything to death and trying to come up with evey contigency plan in case what we planned did not work out and that is just EXHAUSTING! So instead we go perfectly together like chocolate and strawberries (memo to self get these this weeked they will make me feel better mmmm). How we found each other in this great big world is amazing (philosophical enough for you) and I am so THANKFUL every day for him because without him I think I would have been locked up in a looney bin a long time ago. Everyday he chooses to love me for all my faults and quirks. He chooses to stay by my side to make me laugh, cry, sometimes get angry, and feel loved. For that I will never feel lack or stressed or sad. I will just be forever grateful and full for I have found what every person looks for and that is someone to love and someone to love back. That is why he is my ULTIMATE favorite thing!

Sorry if I bored anyone with my sappiness or sadness lately. It will get better soon...hopefully.  :)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Wow it has been 4 days since my last post. There is so much going on but yet nothing going on. Is that possible? Maybe it's just so much going on in my head but not much in real life. Im in a funk and I am not sure how to get out. I am exhauseted and haven't felt too much like writing lately. So here are some random things/thoughts...

1.  I made Iron Commentor again and I read so many wonderful peoples blogs. I love ICLW because it gives me a chance to meet people and read blogs that aren't on my "normal" reading list. However, my "normal" reading list is getting longer and longer. It is great because I feel so "at home" with all of you. You are all in my head. You know me. You are me. I am sorry that so many of us have to go through this but happy that I am not alone.

2. Just got an email from a old (not so much anymore) friend saying she was pregnant. It actually makes me sick to my stomach. She takes drugs on a regular basis thus ended our friendship because she is a totally different person. This is what perpetuates the "crack whore" theory. She does not even want the kids she has so WTF?

3. Just got notice to renew DH insurance for next year and it is going up a whopping 70.00, that is right 70.00 EVERY 2 WEEKS. That is a 140.00 a month!!!! Who does that? I do not understand this at all! 

4. Halloween is coming and I can not wait to see my nephews in their costumes. Hopefully I will have pictures to show. 

5. I feel so discouraged lately. Like I am never going to be able to have a baby of my own. I don't know how I am going to get the money and that just frustrates the hell out of me! 

6. I am LOVING the new season of "H.eroes". 

Well that is all I got for now. I hope you all are doing Fantastic! Any suggestions for getting out of this funk would be welcomed because all the usual is not working.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Where is my "B.ail O.ut"?

I am stressed! I am trying to save money and it is not working out very well. All these people keep wanting money from me month after month after month! Don't these people (car, house, electricity) know that I want to have a baby. I need this money more then they do I mean I am not getting a "b.ail o.ut". Where is my "b.ail o.ut"? Why can't I say "um, look I don't think I am going to be able to pay you right now. Check with me in a couple of months and will see where we are. Great . Thanks!" Or I propose that everyone gets a month free of all bills every year. I know, I know they will just hike everything for the rest of the months. But my blog, my dream! And in that dream they would have to keep everything the same for every other month but you would just get to pick a month of no bills. Yea I think that is a good idea...I think I will write my congressman, maybe the president. 

Dear Mr President,
We ALL need a "b.ail o.ut". blah, blah, blah. Thanks...I knew you would agree. 
Baby makin' isn't as easy (or as cheap) as you think.

Or maybe a petition. I bet I could get a lot of signatures. It's just my money coming in and my money going out are not adding up currently. At the rate I am going I am going to be "on break", saving for IVF, FOREVER! I do not have forever...I am not getting any younger (if I could only figure out how to make that happen I would be rich. Hey maybe I am on to something this may be better then the "b.ail o.ut" idea...hmmm again my blog my dream). I know I am not alone in this but today I am wallowing in my brokeness. Oh well, now I am off to play the lottery...

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Favorite things Friday and I've been tagged

I have been tagged by the wonderful Emma for a recipe exchange. I am not a cook at all. Lucky for me my husband does all the cooking. But I do have a Fantastic dessert. This is my favorite in the whole world! Instead of cake on my birthday I have this. It takes a while to make but it is so worth it in the end. Actually it is good it takes a while because otherwise I would weigh 750 pounds.

Since this is one of my favorite things I thought I would combine the two. Here are the rules: (mine is not a holiday thing but you can make it for the holidays)

With the busy holiday season fast approaching I thought this would be a good time for a recipe exchange. If you’d like to participate please make a new post in your blog with your favorite holiday dish. A story to go along with why that particular dish is so special to you would be great too! Then, leave a comment for me with a link to your recipe post.

Next, pick at least 5 blogger buddies to include in the recipe exchange. Leave this comment for them:
"I’ve chosen you to join in a blogger buddy recipe exchange! Check out my blog to find out more about it!"
As new recipe comments come in, your blog readers will be able to enjoy other’s recipes as well.


Makes 2 pies
1/2 gallon neopolitan ice cream (try to get it in a box because it will make it easier)
1 cup chocolate chips
1 stick butter
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups powdered sugar
1 can pet milk
2 graham cracker pie crusts (I prefer chocolate but I always prefer chocolate so it does not matter)

In a medium sauce pan melt butter and chocolate chips. Add sugar and pet milk and bring to a rolling boil for 8 minutes while stirring the whole time. Take off heat and add vanilla. Let cool all the way.

To put together you will do this in layers:
Slice the ice cream by flavors. So in the bottom layer put what ever flavor of ice cream you want first. Add a layer of chocolate on top and then freeze (usually about an hour-1 and half hours) The more frozen it is makes it easier for the next layer. Then keep doing this adding a layer of ice cream then a layer of chocolate until the flavors are done (3layers of ice cream in total).

There you have it...trust me it is the best ice cream pie in the world!!! When you cut it it looks pretty to because you have the different color layers.

I hope you all enjoy!

As for who I am going to tag....I am going to tag Heather, Dora, Sunny in Seattle, Shelby, and Carrie.
If I have tagged you, you're it (just cut and paste and answer them on your blog!). Can't wait to see your recipes so I can give my husband things to make me hehe.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Face of Infertility

1 in 6 women experience infertility. I AM that 1.

2.5% of women have PCOS. I AM that 2.5%.

1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I AM that 1.

Women with PCOS have a 45% (or more) of miscarrying. I AM that 45%.

But I AM NOT a statistic! What am I?

I AM a wife. A wife of a wonderful husband, who would be an even better father! A wife that wonders why he stays when she is the one that is broke. Why should his dream be denied? I am sorry for that.

I am a daughter. A daughter who would like nothing more then to give her mother a grandchild. A daughter that loves her mother and knows she too is in pain because her child is in pain but there is nothing I can do about it. I am sorry for that.

I am a sister. A sister whose best friend is her sister. A sister who both times she heard “I’m pregnant “was so happy for her but sad for herself. A sister who rejoiced over the birth of her nephews as if they were her own but on the inside was thinking. “why can’t this be me?” and I am sorry for that.

I am a granddaughter. A granddaughter who fears that her grandmother will never meet her great grandchildren. They will never know this amazingly strong woman that I know. I am sorry for that.

I am an Aunt. An Aunt who loves her nephews as if they were her own. Who hugs them so tight not wanting to let them go because she remembers she was suppose to have one the same age and wonders what they would be like.

I am a Boss. A Boss who has bad days too. Who sometimes may not understand that getting a flat tire on the way to work was the end of the world because yesterday I lost my baby and I am still here today on time. I am sorry about that.

I am a Friend. A friend who needs her friends more now then ever before. A friend that will love you, listen to you, help you but may not be able to come to every baby shower because it hurts to much. I am sorry for that.

I am a Woman. A woman who can’t do what women were born to do. A women whose heart is broken. A women who will comfort you, laugh with you, cry with you, and help you but right now needs to do all those things for herself and I am sorry for that.

I am the girl behind you in the checkout line. The girl who is buying a pregnancy test with excitement and dread at the same time because deep down she knows it probably did not happen this month and if it did there is so much that can go wrong. She is worried about that.

I am the person that cut you off on the road because her mind was racing in a million directions because she wonders if the spotting she saw this afternoon was notice of impending doom. I am sorry for that.

I am your neighbor who may not always seem so friendly. Who does not always come over to your kids birthday parties because it is just too hard right now and I am sorry for that.

I am your patient. A patient whose happiness that day depends on the news you give her over the phone or in person. If she reacts badly or says something not nice it is not a reflection of your abilities, it is a reflection of her inabilities. I am sorry for that.

I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I hurt. I cry. I hide. I yell. I make mistakes and I am sorry for that.

I love. I am happy. I laugh. I smile. I am strong. I will heal. I will move forward everyday…one step at a time…I WILL do all these things. I AM all these things. I FEEL all these things because of the one thing that I am NOT. I am NOT a mother and I am most sorry for that!

Monday, October 20, 2008

I've been Tagged

Thanks Cara. You are truly a wonderful person! What you are doing will/is truly a blessing to many people. Along with you, there are many amazingly strong women out there. I appreciate all of your support and great friendship!

Now I am new to this...
So on to the info you all have been waiting for...

1.Do you have the same friends since childhood?
No, I have moved on from that time of my life. Friends that I had as a little one had all moved out of the neighborhood before we grew up and friends I had in high school I do not talk to much anymore. There are a few that I will send a Christmas card to but that is about the extent of it.

2. What do you value most about your friends?
They are genuine people who do not put up a front. They take responsibility for their own actions but do not take themselves or life too seriously and boy can they make me laugh!

3. Are your friends sounding boards?
Definitely! And I for them.

4. What is your favorite activity to share with friends?
We go to the cabin on the lake and talk and play cards and lay on the beach. It is a blast!

Now hmm who do I tag... I will take a page from Cara and pick my followers (I'm sure you all want to follow me now LOL) Emma, Searching for Serenity, Heather, and last but not least a random pick from my blog list eenie, meenie, minie , moe Jill. Now don't kill me you all.
If I have tagged you are it (just cut and paste and answer them on your blog!) . Thanks.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Virtual World Tour

Here is my bit of complete randomness...

Here is my "Benny" bear. My mother had him growing up and then she gave him to me. I hope to give it to my child someday. As you can see he is looking a little rough but he is still cuddly.


Here is th dolphin statue my husband bought me just because. Awww isn't he sweet?

Here is my new purse I just bought that I absolutely love!


And finally this is my cat Mia. She is just a little princess. Everything must be just right or she is upset. She is a big cuddler and she loves her belly rubbed.


To join th VWT hop on over to My santuary and join in the fun!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Favorite things Friday

So I decided rather then always being negative or complaining I am going to start my weekends off right. Every Friday I am going to post about my favorite things. Thus the name "Favorite things Friday". I'm so creative aren't I? I took a lot of thinking to come up with that one.

Anyway, what better way to start off the weekend and my first favorite thing then with a drink.
One of the bonuses of not being able to F-king afford IVF at the moment being on "break" is that I can enjoy a drink or two or three every now and again. My new favorite drink is Bailey's with Carmel.

baileys Pictures, Images and Photos

OMG it is capital A Awesome!It's great straight, on ice, or with ice cream...mmmm. I also heard it was good with coffee but I do not drink coffee so you will have let me know. Try it I think you will like it. I am off to la la land watch TV with my husband.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Today is the day where we mourn for all our lost dreams. The babies that were suppose to be in our arms not a memory in our hearts. 

My heart is broken as I remember. Remember where I should be, instead of where I am. On Saturday 10/18 will be another date that passes that I should have 2 year old. The due date for my second loss. The due date for the one that should have been if he/she would have just implanted in my uterus and not in my cervix. I remember the dr saying "I'm so sorry. The baby is healthy now but will soon cut off your blood supply. The baby will die and you will probably die". I remember being under during the surgery and fighting and when I woke they said they had to give me more anasthesia because I was fighting them. I said I was dreaming that someone was trying to take my baby. The sad thing is...it wasn't a dream.

So I light a candle for angel #1, angel #2, angel #3, and angel #4. And I light a candle for all of your angels. For all the ones that should be here...the light of our lives not the light on our mantle.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States.  I have had 4 miscarriages. Well, actually 2 miscarriages and 2 ectopic pregnancies. The point is I have 4 angels in heaven. I have not had a stillbirth. I think about it. I fear it. I can't even imagine it! I have a friend who had one last year and it was devastating! One day the baby was fine and then the a week later she was delivering a baby that was still.  There just are NO WORDS to say about the pain that it inflicts. My pain was and is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. The pain of still birth is unimaginable!! We need to create awareness. It is something that is not talked about. People need to know the signs, symptoms, proper medical care, and fetal movement awareness. For more information please readhttp://www.firstcandle.org/advocacy/Summary052108.pdf  Or http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c110:H.R.5979:.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

You may be asking what can you do? You can post a blog in support of this ACT or you can write your congress men and women. You can tell them to pass this Act: H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. Tell them you do not want any more people, families, communities to go through this. Stop the pain. Mend some hearts. You can contact them by visiting this website: https://forms.house.gov/wyr/welcome.shtml

If there is something that can help reduce the chances of still birth then we should jump at it.  If research would make it possible for even just 1  person to be able to come home with a LIVE baby instead of the remains then it should not even be a questions of if, but of when and how. Please help save a life.