Saturday, December 6, 2008

Deep down in your soul

Last night I babysat for my nephews. I know I say it every time but they are so cute! They are always so good for us! They made me laugh and smile all night. They went to bed with no problems. The little one No.ah will not say his name. He will repeat anything you say and I mean anything but if you say No.ah he says "me". It is so funny. We try every way and he just won't do it. It cracks me up!

Anyway, Jo.ey fell asleep on the couch and one moment I was just staring at him, watching him sleep. Tears formed in my eyes because I thought to myself, will I ever know the pure and utter happiness that is having a child of my own? I mean I am sure I can be happy and enjoy life without one but not the deep down in your soul COMPLETE, nothing else matters happiness. The kind that makes you feel complete, like you have contributed something to this world. That when you leave it, you have left it better then when you came. I want a child so bad it hurts! I want a family! I know what the deep down in you soul sadness feels like and I want so desperately to feel the happiness. To think it may never happen makes me sad and angry!

7 comments:

April said...

i know. i want it to happen for you (for all of us) so bad!!!

at least you have nephews (for now) that you can share your love with :)

CJ said...

The not knowing is the hardest part. If we just knew how long it would take, the waiting would be easier.

I believe it will happen for you, and when it does, you will be an amazing mother. You will appreciate every moment with your child -- even the tought ones. I hope it happens for you soon.

momofonefornow said...

The waiting and not knowing is so, so wretched. I hope that someday you can replace that sadness with pure joy. You described that beautifully.

"I mean I am sure I can be happy and enjoy life without one but not the deep down in your soul COMPLETE, nothing else matters happiness. The kind that makes you feel complete, like you have contributed something to this world. That when you leave it, you have left it better then when you came."

What an eloquent way to say what so many of us feel/ have felt. I really do hope that you get the nothing else matters happiness, and soon!

Mo and Will said...

I hear you, girl. It can just wrench your soul, can't it? Know that you're not alone. Hoping we can all get there to be the parents that we are hoping to be - and sooner rather than later!

Mo

Echloe said...

I too know how you feel. And I just want to give you a big virtual hug.

Another Dreamer said...

I know that feeling... I hope hat it does happen for you, for all of us.

Monica LeMoine said...

Yes, I don't think you're alone in that sentiment, dearie. I'm totally with you on that desire.