Couple v. Family

I have yet to feel like a "real" grown up. I mean I have all the fantastic responsibilities of a "grown up"...paying bills, jobs (or in my case lack of), stresses of everyday life... but I haven't really felt the benefits of being a grown up. I feel like a couple, a very happy and loving couple but just that... a couple. We are not a family. When we arrive at family functions sometimes I feel like I am suppose to have some rousing tale of how we traveled through Europe or bought the next latest and greatest technology because of course we don't have children yet. We don't have all that financial "responsibility". What else could we possible be doing with all that money and time. Well here is the kicker we do have the financial responsibilty of having children with out the benefit of having children and I have't even got to the IVF part of it yet. I have insurance that has paid for some. They say have a 35.00 co-pay yet I always seem to end up with a bill 1-2 months later for 500.-600. Then I have to pay for blood tests and diagnostic tests and RX and what is it for? I have no answers yet. Why do they tell me I have a co-pay and then charge more. Why do I have a deductible that I ALWAYS reach by February but still end up in serious debt because of medical bills? anyway I got side tracked for a minute...

Back to family gatherings and by these I usually mean DH side of things. He has a much bigger family. (My side is just my sis, my mom, and I) No one has ever said anything to me and they try to include me. Yet, I feel like an outsider. I feel less of a family then my unwed 25yr old SIL with her 2 children by different fathers or my unwed 21 yr old BIL with 2 children by different mothers or my other BIL who is in a loveless marriage with step children or my other unwed SIL with a 18 yr old daughter who she treats like dirt on the bottom of her shoe. We won't even go into all the other half brothers and sisters he has and all there craziness. Yet I am the one that does not feel normal. Why is that? I have been responsible. I am married. Yet I feel somehow less. I can't participate in most conversations that go on because they are kid centered. I will often interject with a story or two about my nephews on my side and I feel like they look at me like "what do you know those aren't your kids". I know that this is usually a result of my overactive analytical mind but that is just it. It is yet another thing that the joy is sucked out of because of infertility.

By no means do I expect the world to conform to me or that everyone should just wait with baited breath about what I have to say. I just wish I could be like them (not the unwed, unhappy, crazy part). It is kind of sad when you wish you were like that but I do. All the things they take for granted makes me sad. The sleepless nights, the seemingly unending supply of poopy diapers, the inability to just get up and go somewhere, the sense of FAMILY...I would give my left arm or more for that! I feel like a child who wanted so bad to be invited to party and wasn't. I'm done being a couple and I am ready to be a couple with a FAMILY. I am just not sure how I am ever gonna get there. I feel left out and I am begging to be included!

Nice weekend

I had a very nice 4th of July. It was a nice distraction to the anniversary I was dreading. I did have a flash Friday when I heard fireworks going off of last year. I was sitting on my porch with DH while the fireworks were going off. In our neighborhood it is like the first day of the war in Bagh.dad. We don't need to go to fireworks shows because we have them in my neighboorhood. My poor dog is just terrified! Anyway, I was sitting on the porch reading one of my many books on infertility, miscarriages, and PCOS. I was searching and searching for anyway that the pregnancy was not ending. Any sign that the doctors had it all wrong. Somehow it just had to be wrong! I could not be going through this for the 4th time. As you all now how it ended up, I did not find the answer I was searching for and 3 days later I went for my methotre.xate shot and just like that it was over. I never even had time to hope or be excited because I pretty much found out it was ectopic the day after I got a positive pregnancy test. At the time it just seemed so cruel...why even give me a positive test when it wasn't even going to last. I know now it was to save me from much worse because if the ectopic went on then I probably would have lost a tube or something. Luckily they caught it early enough. I guess that is one good thing about going through all this. I am pretty in tune to what is going on with my body.

Anyway, yesterday was nice. We went to my MIL and my SIL was there with her 2 month old. Surprisingly I did not have a hard time with it. The baby was just so CUTE! I think he is one of the most well behaved babies I have ever seen. He did not cry all day! All he did was smile and let out little giggles. I had a nice talk with my MIL. She is having a hard time because she had to put her mom in a nursing home. But let me tell you it is a very nice place. I was very surprised because it was covered by Medi.ca1d and I just pictured most of those as not good places. She feels guilty but I think it is the best thing for her. She will have people to talk to and to take care of her. They have a movie place, bowling lanes, ice cream parlor, rec room, they take them on shopping trips. It sounds and looks nice. It is close by us so DH and I are going to visit often.

So we BBQed and then last night went to my sisters and played with my nephews and then we played cards when the kids went to bed. Today I woke up and decided to pull everything out of my kitchen cabinets and scrub them down. It always seems like a good idea until you are about half way through and then realize you really do not want to do this anymore. I do feel so much better though. They really needed it. I think I am going to do that with everything in my house and just take it bit by bit rather then all in one day. I have the time now since I do not have a job. I feel guilty if I don't do anything and hubby is out working.

That is all I have for now. I hope you all had a great weekend!

Fun times with the nephews

I had a great time with my nephews this weekend. We went a lot of places and just had a good old time. I got a taste, all be it a small one, but a taste none the less of what it feels like to be a mom. First of all it is EXHAUSTING. I was so tired out Sunday night I think I was in bed and asleep by 8:00, and if you know me at all you know I am a night owl. I am usually up to 1:00am on weeknights and who knows what time on weekends. But we did a lot of stuff. We kept them busy. We went to MIL's and took them swimming. I stayed out of the water but DH got in the freezing water and the kids and him had a blast. I watched and admired how easily it comes to DH to just be a kid and a "dad" at the same time. Kids just gravitate to him and he has so much fun. It is a shame he is not a dad yet.

We then took them to the pet store. Jo.ey loved the mice and No.ah loved the bunny rabbits. Just watching them run from place to place was so cute. Then we went to Mc.Dona1ds so they could play in the playscape. I was worried about No.ah because this thing is huge and I did not think he would be able to get up and around through the tunnels. I was picturing my fat butt trying to climb through these tunnels to rescue him and then me getting stuck and they have to call someone to come take thing apart. Not a pretty picture...LOL. Anyway I told Jo.ey to go and help him and then out pops No.ah from the slide. He was just fine and he ran around to do it again. They played so long in there that they were asking to go home. We went home and watched the movie Wa11.E. Jo.ey thought this was the most funny movie in the world! I was not crazy about it but I just watched him laughing so hard at it that it made me laugh. I just love to hear a kid laugh!

Sunday we took them to a graduation party which was in a park and they had a HUGE playscape. The kids had a ball. BIL did not even recognize us because we came with 2 kids. All day long Jo.ey just kept looking at me and saying, "I Love You Aunt Shell" and then he would give me a hug. Awww that just melts my heart. At the party I was thinking about how they both are at such a great age. You can talk to them and especially Jo.ey you can have a whole conversation with him. He has got the best memory. No.ah just says things so cute! Since there were a lot of teenagers there I was trying to imagine what these 2 will be like as teenagers and I just can not picture it. It seems so far away yet I know it will fly by fast!Anyway, we tired them out there and then took them home and they went straight in for a nap. Then mommy and daddy came home.

So it was a pretty good weekend. They were so good! I think next we are going to take them one at a time over night sometime this summer. We will let them choose what they want to do and have kind of like a Aunt and Uncle date night. Then the one who stays home can spend time with mom and dad. I think that will be lots of fun.

I had a good time this weekend playing "mommy". I hope someday soon I will be the real thing!