Happy Blogoversary to ME!

WOW! It has been 1 year of blogging today. I can't believe it has been a year already. I remember when I started, wanting so bad to be a year into blogging because that meant hopefully I would have built some readers. It would mean I had experience now. I would know what I wanted my voice to be and how I wanted to express all that had been bottled up in my mind and in heart for the last 9 years. Yet, I also wondered. Would I be disappointed with blogging? Would I start and then decide after a week or two that it was too much work? Would anyone care what I had to say? Would I really want to talk about all this really personal stuff?

One year later...

I am definitely NOT disappointed with blogging. Quite the contrary. I think it has been one of the best experiences. My first post I remember thinking, as I have said before, I am going to show everyone what it is like to be infertile. What I feel...how hard it is. I am going to educate. I had no idea that this whole world was out there. I do not even remember how I found Mel's place. I am sure it was from clicking on links from someone else's blog. But I do remeber my heart skipped a beat when I rolled through her list of blogs from the ALI community. I could not believe it. The feeling was like...I was HOME at last!

I am a talker by nature but I was unsure if it would translate to a blog. Could I be as open when anyone could find it and possibly say unkind things? I have enough of that IRL...I don't need it in the virtual world while relaxing in the comfort of my home. One year later...Yes I defintely have no problem speaking my mind. Saying exactly how I feel even if not everyone agrees. I figured out along the way that it is ok if not everyone agrees. We all have different experiences in life that shape how we view and feel about things. That is why I am here...to learn and maybe see a different way of looking at things. But I am also happy to say that I have not had anything unkind said to me. I have received nothing but an unending supply of love and support from all of you.

I really thought that I would only have a few people who would come to read my blog. I am amazed all the time that people come here and read what I think or feel. That you come here and comment and envelop me with virtual hugs. I just can't say how much it means to me and how excited I get whenever I see a comment. I also love to comment. I love offering my love and support to everyone that needs it. I love finding new blogs to read and that is why I have reached Iron commenter 6 times. My list gets longer and longer. Many have become successful in there quest for a baby since I started reading and it truely makes me so happy when you have beat IF. It makes my day better...it gives me so much HOPE! It also makes me so sad when things are not going well for you...if you are having a hard time...or God forbid a loss. I feel it as if it were my own. I pray and keep you all in my thoughts CONSTANTLY! If I can't read every day I start to get anxious because I do not want a day to go by where any of you feel forgotten. I try my best and I hope that I can give you at least a small fraction of what you have given me.

I think people think I have lost my mind. They say you should go to a support group and I say I have a great support group...they are all online. IRL people say , "no I'm talking about a group in person"...I say I did that and I like this better. While I definitely like to meet people and there are several of you that I hope to meet someday, being on the internet sometimes just makes it so much easier. It is easier to say how I feel with out fear that someone is rolling their eyes at me or staring at me in bewilderment. It's easier to cry my eyes out as I write a gut wrenching post or laugh my ass off at my stupidity without anyone knowing it. I can say here what I can't say or would rather not say IRL. It is also hard too because I can post things here and I realize that it may sound like I am about to slit my wrists or jump off the closest bridge...let me assure you I am not...because words can only say so much...but I know that most of you who read know exactly what I am talking about. You laugh and cry with me and not at me (wink, wink). And while all this may sound ridiculous to some people... to me it has been a lifeline. So, while I know some IRL people do not understand or think I have lost my mind if I talk about some great news I heard from someone online or some uplifting thing one of you told me that got me through a bad day...I don't care because I consider all of you my friends even if it is in the blogosphere...it still means the world to me.

So I thank you all for coming here and for blogging. My hubby thanks you because he finally gets a break from my constant over analyzing, worrying, and grief and I thank Mel for getting us all together in one community to support and celebrate each other and I am amazed everyday at all she does. I have learned so much in the last year. You have changed my life and made this whole IF thing easier. I am not alone anymore and I just can't thank you enough! And I can't wait for the next year!

So 365 days and 174 posts later...here are some highlights incase you haven't read.

How it began...1st post

Most popular post, my Creme de la Creme entry and Contest winner (although the contest

winner was a shorter version)

I am one of "those" people

My letter to Aunt Flo

Top 101 things about me

Shades of Gray

My letter to 18 yr old me

Something pretty funny - to my sis...sorry it had to be told...it is just too darn funny!

Hope you enjoyed!

Connection of the Heart <3

I had a really good time for girls weekend!!! Nothing like getting together with friends...drinking, eating, playing games, and laying on the beach. We had so much fun! I had some really good food. We had a dessert that was so good and it is really simple to make. It tastes just like a chocolate eclair...YUMMY!!!

There were 2 people at the girls weekend that I had never met before. I was a little nervous about this because you never know with new people. The inevitable questions about kids come up. Anyway, though they turned out to be great and the questions never came. I figured maybe my friends had warned them before hand not to ask me. I always wonder that when it does not come up. Funny though it bothers me a bit thinking that people are saying things about it behind my back, even though I know they mean well. However, I found out that that was not the case and it makes me love my friends even more! They don't treat me different and I appreciate that!

At the end of our time we were talking about something and I said I was a night person. I can stay up late but I said that is probably because I do not have any kids to which one of the girls said, "Oh, I thought you had a daughter?" (she must have assumed by a statement from some earlier story that my friend said, "oh see we reacted that way because we don't have boys." this must have made her assume I then had a girl). Anyway, I said, "No, hopefully someday." thinking why did I say anything, dummy you almost got through the whole time and did not have to explain anything. She then said "have you been trying for long?" Me.."yes, for nine years.(trying to think of a way out)" She..."what have you been trying?" Now, here I start to get irritated thinking, oh great you are going to be one of those people who tell me a friend of a friends aunts daughter tried such and such and it worked so you should give it a try. Already in that split second I am having the internal argument in my head that I DO NOT want to have out loud on fun girls weekend. Me..."I have tried everything up to IVF which I am unsuccessfully trying to save money for." She..." Do you go to XYZ clinic in XYZ city?"...Me.."yes, I do."...She..."who is your RE?"...Me..."Dr.Positive"...She..."Isn't he great? I love him." Everyone else..."what are you talking about you have kids?"...She..."yes but I had 1 loss and it took me 4 years to have my first."...Me...(big exhale)"You used him and were successful. I love hearing that!."...She..."stick with him...it will work." and that was the end of the conversation.

Infertility is so isolating that sometimes you feel like you are the only person on the planet who understands how it feels and then I meet someone that no one even realized knew the secret. She knew the pain and anguish. She knew what to say and where to end it and it instantly gave us a connection that no one else in that room had. It is a connection of the heart. She knew...I knew...and it so rare to be in a room with IRL friends that GET IT, it just made this weekend all that much better!

Happy Memorial Weekend!

Well, I hope everyone is having a great memorial day weekend! I am and that is mainly because I am off work for 3 days. I am not and haven't done anything special. My DH had to work yesterday and he has to work tomorrow so we are just hanging out, having some lazy days. Although I am trying to get the energy to do some spring cleaning. Lord knows my house could use it!

Friday night was nice. I had a reunion with a bunch of girls that I used to work with about 13 years ago. It is where I met my closest friend. It was very nice to get together with them. To tell you the truth I was a little worried before I went. I was worried that everyone would be married with lots of kids and the conversation would all be centered around their kids and the question would inevitably come up "do you have any kids?"..."no. why not?". Thankfully the question was never asked. I don't know, maybe my friend warned them to not say anything, but I am just glad it never did.

Also, the only ones that had kids were my friend A and a girl that already had them when I worked there. It was nice to be with about 4 other people who were my age but did not have any kids. We had a very good time and most of them had not changed much. I actually left feeling very thankful for the life I have. One girl is 32 (I think) and getting ready to be married for the 3rd time. The stories she had were crazy. The bummer was, that I drove so I was the designated driver and could not drink. A was pretty toasted when we left. She deserved it though. She has 3 kids and does not get the chance to do so very much. The way home was a love fest. It was pretty funny.

Yesterday I went to MIL house and played W.ii for a while. We had a good time. My brave sis took my nephews (2 and 4) camping. It sounds like they have been having fun except for her DH maybe breaking his foot. They do not have very good luck with their lower appendages. Anyway, I hope he is ok.

So that has been the extent of my weekend so far. I hope all is well with all of you.

PS...about my previous post and my 600 car payment...unfortunately it is not for some fancy car. It is for a Fu.sion. That is what happens when you have one car you share with DH and you lease and you go over the miles and then every time you get a new car you roll over the extra amount you owe. Sooner or later it catches up with you. That is why I must get out. It is pretty disgusting isn't it?

I've been Tagged

Thanks Cara. You are truly a wonderful person! What you are doing will/is truly a blessing to many people. Along with you, there are many amazingly strong women out there. I appreciate all of your support and great friendship!

Now I am new to this...
So on to the info you all have been waiting for...

1.Do you have the same friends since childhood?
No, I have moved on from that time of my life. Friends that I had as a little one had all moved out of the neighborhood before we grew up and friends I had in high school I do not talk to much anymore. There are a few that I will send a Christmas card to but that is about the extent of it.

2. What do you value most about your friends?
They are genuine people who do not put up a front. They take responsibility for their own actions but do not take themselves or life too seriously and boy can they make me laugh!

3. Are your friends sounding boards?
Definitely! And I for them.

4. What is your favorite activity to share with friends?
We go to the cabin on the lake and talk and play cards and lay on the beach. It is a blast!

Now hmm who do I tag... I will take a page from Cara and pick my followers (I'm sure you all want to follow me now LOL) Emma, Searching for Serenity, Heather, and last but not least a random pick from my blog list eenie, meenie, minie , moe Jill. Now don't kill me you all.
If I have tagged you are it (just cut and paste and answer them on your blog!) . Thanks.

Unexpected friendship

Today I met someone. Someone much like myself. Someone going through the same struggles I go through everyday. Someone who I now call my friend.

I didn't think it would really happen. I was very skeptical. My sister (L) has an assistant at work who is lucky to be bestowed with the wonderful "gift" (note the sarcasm) we call infertility. So L has been telling me about her for a while now, saying we should get together because she is feeling alone and maybe if we talked we could find a kinship with each other.  I thought yea maybe. But about 2 weeks ago L emailed me and asked if she could give her assistant my email address so I figured sure what could it hurt? Within a few minutes the girl emailed me asking if I would like to get together. I thought "whoa, that was quick". Not even "Hi", "how are you doing" but just"let's get together".  It felt weird. I am not sure why and this may sound strange but it felt like I was being set up on a "blind date", and I have never been one for blind dates. But, I agreed and then the following 2 weeks was followed by going back and forth in email about when, where, blah blah, blah. 

To tell you the truth I was not looking forward to this. I felt I was kind of doing my sister a favor. I was worried about this person working for L. If I told her things would she tell L? I'm sure she felt the same. I mean L and I are close but there are still things I don't tell her,  there are things I don't share because she doesn't get "it, she couldn't possibly get "it".   I didn't want this to be a lunch filled with crying, emotions, telling inner most secrets to someone I just met.  What else could we have to talk about? I heard things that had made me feel like we were in 2 different places in our journey and I didn't want to be pulled into uncomfortable places. I mean I feel like I am sad, angry, heartbroken, and sometime hopeless but I don't like to wallow in it. I don't like to hide and not talk to any of my close friends or family just because they have babies. Don't get me wrong I am not running to baby showers and birthday parties but I am not hiding either. Like I said before Infertility is part of who I am but it is not all of who I am, and I had the impression that for her it was. Which I am not saying is wrong at all! I understand it, but I am trying hard not to get sucked in by the grief. Some days it works...other days not so much.

Instead what I got was a lesson in not assuming.  I met a person in real life who is like me. Who has the same worries, the same heartbreak, and the same desire to have a child. It was nice to talk to someone, face to face, who knows what you mean when you refer to the 2ww, Gonal F, and the pain of miscarriage. A person that can groan at the stupidity of the health care system that will pay for birth control and consider "headaches" as a FMLA reason for being off work but not "infertility", because you know, "having children is not a necessary 'life' activity". A person who I know now, doesn't just needs to cry on my shoulder but needs someone that will not be talking about how I was up all night because my baby wouldn't sleep, instead I will be talking about how I was up all night because I was nervous about my next cycle. I won't be talking about my child's first steps, I will be talking about the first steps in the IVF process or the adoption process. And I just have to say it was great. I was afraid that the beginning and end of the things we have in common would be infertility and I want a friendship that is more then that. It turns out we have a lot of things in common. In a lunch we developed a friendship, held together with a common bond. And it is so nice to know I have someone close by that would be here in a second to comfort just because she know what it feels like and I would do the same for her.  So I have to say thank you to L because I found someone to talk to, who knows me without really knowing me just yet. I found a friend I never expected.