Monday, January 19, 2009

Shades of gray

What I want to BE most in this life I am not! Why? I ask this question so many times. Is it because I am not a good enough wife, sister, daughter, Aunt, friend, niece, granddaughter, or woman? Would I not make a good mother? I don't think that is it. At least I hope that is not it...

I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS for short. Because of this I have a higher then normal chance of miscarriage. I have been told 40-60% chance to be exact but in my case it happens to be 100%. I have been pregnant 4 times and lost the baby 4 times. I think often of my angels. What would they be like? Would they have my husbands contagious laugh? My blue eyes? Would they grow up to be a ballerina? a football player? the president? Is the once future president up in heaven now never to run the world but to play with the other babies? To wait for me? To watch over me? Did I fail them somehow? Where are they? I want them here. I have too many unanswered questions.

Infertility and miscarriage have robbed me. Robbed me of the happiness I once felt. The security of my future. It has removed the "rose colored" glasses and shown me gray. A gray that envelops my life like a dense fog that won't lift. 

The things that most people take joy in, a pregnancy, a baby being born, children laughing, the new spring, the fall colors, are all just reminders to me. Reminders of what could have been. What might never be...

I no longer look forward to being pregnant. I am terrified! I don't want to feel the pain of miscarriage ever again! But the fear of never having children terrifies me more. So I move forward...Begging, hoping, praying. And I chip away at the gray like a sculptor with a new mound of clay. Working at it tirelessly molding, scraping, forming. Until one day my dream will be formed and out of the gray, life will become colorful again!

15 comments:

CJ said...

What an honest, emotional post. My heart is breaking for you, hearing you wonder about your angels and question yourself. You did nothing wrong, you do not deserve to go through this. Although I don't know you, from your posts I can tell you are an amazing wife, sister, daughter, aunt, etc... and one day, you WILL be a fantastic mother. Those rose colored glasses may be gone, but you have many sunny days ahead with your family.

Kahla said...

My heart aches for you, I pray that one day very soon you get to hold your sweet miracle in your arms in a world full of color again.

Denver Laura said...

What I woudldn't give for just the grey parts. All I see is black. I hope you are able to get through what I cannot. Nobody who has been as though as much GRIEF as we have been can ever know. I pray that you can be in peace.

Searching for Serenity said...

You are more brave than you give yourself credit for. This is a very honest post and you words perfectly express what so many are feeling. You are not alone and you will feel happiness again.

*BIG HUGS*

Echloe said...

You have been through a lot and have every right to be scared. But hopefully everything will work out so that you will get pregnant again soon and will be able to feel more joy than fear. Hang in there.

p.s. I love the new look.

April said...

hmmm....i know it sucks, but you are strong. i know you are.

also...i've never heard that stat about pcos peeps having 60% chance of miscarriage. hmmmmmm.....

Another Dreamer said...

Aww, hun (*hugs*)

You are strong, you will beat this.

You will be a mother someday. I just know it. Somehow, you will be a mother.

In Due Time said...

Many hugs my love! Infertility sucks. PCOS sucks. Miscarriages suck.

I hope you get out of the gray and into the color again.

Monica LeMoine said...

Michelle, thanks for your really honest and brutally heartfelt post. Yes, conflicting fears. These all sound very familiar to me. Sending lots of hugs and hop in your direction.

sassy said...

Good post. I know what you mean about not looking forward to being pregnant, being terrified. I got that, and then when I finally started looking forward to it, it didn't happen !

Thanks for stopping by my place, happy ICLW, and good luck on your journey.

~Jess said...

How vrry beautifully said. You will be a mom someday...keep chipping away at that gray. Your post reminds me of the wizard of us: She goes through this horrible storm and survives, waking up to a beautifully colored world.

Hang in there *hugs*

ICLW

patiencesong said...

This post really touched me - what a beautiful description of what so many of us feel at some point or another. While I haven't felt the loss of a child as you have as we're still waiting, I definitely share your thoughts on feeling robbed - especially of all the dreams my husband and I created for ourselves before we realized that the road wasn't quite that easy. Here from ICLW and will definitely be back.

Barb said...

aw sweets. I feel so much of this too. PCOS is an effing shitty bitch, and she deserves to be slapped.

Bluebird said...

I so relate. I want to be pregnant more than anything in this world - but the tought of actually *being* pregnant again (assuming I could even *get* pregnant) scares the bejeezus out of me.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful words, and I'm so sorry for all you've been through.
((Hugs))
ICLW

Ms. Monkey said...

Michelle,

You could have been inside my own head...while we don't share the same reasons behind our miscarriages, we share the same feelings and aftermath.

Much hugs...and on to happier moments.