Saturday, January 31, 2009

Someone please call the Psych ward

I think I have completely gone insane. I think IF has pushed me over the edge and I am not sure how to get back. Also, let me preface this whole post by saying I am NOT a patient person...AT ALL! I hate waiting! Why wait to do something when I can do it now and get it done. This will only prove my theory as you read further that I am crazy.

I am here. Not there. Not where I want to be. I am still. Wanting to move forward but stuck in what is behind me. I'm scared and I'm sad and that makes me angry because I am here and not there, where I want to be.

I can see it. I can see where I would like to be, off in the distance but, I can't seem to find the path to get there. I can't put one foot in front of the other and take it one step at a time because, what I really want to do is to take off running. Sadly if I took of running I would probably run into trees or in front of cars or something because I can't see where I am going.

I can feel it. I can feel who I want to be. Happy. Carefree. Peaceful. I have no idea how to be that... I can fake it really good, but how do I BE IT?

I am about to turn 35 in a week and I am not where I thought or wanted to be in my life by now. I remember when I was 14 and my mom was 35, she would tell me what a young mom I had. Sadly, I will never be able to say that to my child. It feels like at the rate I am going for my child's (if I ever have one) 14th birthday he/she will be looking for nursing homes thinking "why the hell did my mom have me so late?". I know that is a little extreme but that is what it feels like.

In 1 week I will have entered the much anticipated, much dreaded... Advanced Maternal Age. No longer will I be able to read the sections of a book for women TTC under 35. Everything will be higher risk, more sense of urgency and that really sucks because...

I'm stuck in the same place I was 6 months ago. I look around at other people, read other blogs and I see people doing something. Here I sit, "on break", wanting so badly to get back into the race but scared as hell to start running (you know the whole trees and cars thing).

My RE said I did not have to worry about it right now. He said A) it's not like there is a switch that gets flipped right on your 35th birthday. B) from my responses to everything so far I have been producing a lot of eggs. He said maybe 4 years from now I can worry. That's good news right? Only if you were a sane person, because all I think when he says that I am producing a lot of eggs, is that I am wasting all of them. I know you only have so many and that is determined when you are born and all these years I have basically just been throwing them all away. The more I produce now and the procedures don't work the less I will have...right? I know it's crazy but this is what I am trying to tell you...I have lost it!

I'm scarred because of all the "what if's" running through my head. What if the last round of injections doesn't work? What if I can't find the money to do IVF? What if I should go out of state for IVF? What if something else is wrong with me that they haven't found yet? What if I do get pregnant again and I have another miscarriage? stillborn? What if I spend all this money and I never have a child? What if...what if...what if...

I know in my heart that I shouldn't do that because I could just "what if" myself to death but please someone tell that to my head. My head has a mind of it's own...literally (that line really strikes me as funny...apparently I crack myself up because I can't stop laughing right now...or again it proves that I have lost it).

So all I have to do is call Dr. Positive and say "hey, it's me you know the one who is paying for your youngest to go to college. Yeah that's right, I am ready to get back in. I am ready to stick myself in the stomach and have my dates with the dildocam. I am ready for blood draws and follie checks. I am ready for some check writing and rx ordering. Let's go, what are you waiting for. I am not getting any younger. Let's do this thing. I. AM. READY!"...but I don't because I am which is not where I want to be.

So there you have it ladies and gentleman...I AM insane! Let's recap...
1. Not patient
2. Don't want to be here.
3. Tired of waiting.
4. Not. doing. anything.
5. Not getting any younger.
6. What ifing myself to death when I should be saying "what if all goes right?"
6. I want a baby more then anything.
7. Just need to make a simple phone call.
8. Still sitting here...not doing anything.
9. Complaining about not doing anything and I am the only one that s controlling this.
10. Sad. Angry. Scared. but want to be Happy. Carefree. Peaceful.
11. Still not doing anything.

Someone admit me please.

Friday, January 30, 2009

The obligatory oct.uplet post

Ok all you non fertility impaired people I want to share some news with you. It may be something you did not know but I am just going to put this out there so I only have to say it one more time and I know many people who do not go through this every day really have no idea about what happens during fertility treatments except the junk (mostly) portrayed in the media.

I will not have 8 babies at once just because I am going through fertility treatments. So the statement "haha that is going to be you" is totally false! How do I know this you may ask? Because I go to a RESPONSIBLE RE. My RE would NEVER allow this to happen. See if you are going to a RESPONSIBLE RE he/she would either a) cancel the cycle b) if it is for IVF, not transfer that many embryos. First of all this lady did use fertility treatment I am 99.999999999999% positive of that. If she conceived them naturally then she needs to be studied some how some way because she is an anomaly. Also, oct.uplet lady either had a bad RE or she was not following the doctors advice such as going home and doing the deed after finding out said cycle was canceled or better yet she is not even seeing a doctor and got the meds herself and shot herself up un-monitored. If you need any more evidence then take a look at the latest news which states she is a single mom and may already have six children. What dr would do that? I am not saying someone can't have 14 children if they choose but having 8 at once can cause ENORMOUS complications and cost ENORMOUS amounts of money.
If there is a dr that did this then I think he/she needs to have their license taken away. This is a rare occurrence hence the reason it is such big news. This is also one of the reasons IVF has a stigma attached to it and it is unfortunate and should not be this way.

If you would like more information check out this article posted by Shelby over at The Great Big IF.

Ok there...I got that off my chest, now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Favorite things Friday

One of my new favorite things I just received for Christmas. I absolutely love it. It is the Swiv.el Swe.eper. It is the handiest little vacuum in the world. It works on all surfaces although I do have to admit it is a little better on the hardwood floors. It is perfect if you have animals and have a problem with pet hair like I do. I felt like I was sweeping all the time because lugging my big old vacuum out was not something I always felt like doing. Have you tried sweeping pet hair? It is not very easy. What doesn't get stuck on the end of the broom ends up flying all over the place. It drove me crazy.

Well the craziness is over. My lovely Aunt bought me a swi.vel swee.per and I use it everyday. It is light weight and easy to use. You can get in the corners and under furniture because it maneuvers in all directions. It has brushes on all four sides and will pick up just about anything. The only thing I really don't like is the tray that holds all the crap from your floors is very small and you pretty much have to hold it with your hands to dump it but other then that I just love this thing. So if you are looking for a handy little vacuum/sweeper, and especially if you have hardwood floors (although my mom uses it on her carpet and loves it just the same as me) then I would get this. Seriously you won't regret it!

* this was not a paid endorsement and it was brought to you by little ole me just because I love it.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Just wanted to say Hi

Hi All!

Another snow filled day in Michigan. Another 6 or so inches dumped made for some really nice roads. Seriously Spring can not come fast enough. I hope that Ground hog sees his shadow or doesn't, I can never remember which one means an early Spring. Because you know the Ground Hog is all knowing. LOL

Anyway, not much going on here. Still dealing with my knee. All I can say is it still hurts if I put too much pressure on it so I try not to do that very often. Hopefully it will get better soon.

Today was the last day for ICLW. I did it! I made Iron Commenter for the 5th time. I am excited about that because I read so many fantastic blogs. So many people who give me hope and also people who make me feel not alone. I thank you!

I have a lot of posts floating around in my head and some things that are weighing heavily on me but I am trying to work them out and get the right words. My 35th birthday is coming up next week and I have a lot of feelings about that so I will be posting soon. I hope all is well with everyone out here in the blogosphere. Talk to you soon.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Show and Tell

Here are some pictures of my adorable nephews from last night.


Aww they love each other.



Aren't they just so cute?

To check out what everyone else is showing head on over to Mel's place.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Feeling a tiny bit better (kids mentioned)

Thanks to everyone for your well wishes. I am doing ok today. I am feeling a tiny bit better which is better then noting. We went to sis's house to celebrate DH b-day and it was nice. Sis and I make quite a pair. Yesterday she went to PT and to get a MRI and at some point she too slipped on the ice and the progress she was making with her knee was all gone. Now she is feeling worse. This winter weather is dangerous! She got a new brace for her knee so she gave me her other one so hopefully that will help when I go back to work on Monday. I have been icing and relaxing. Getting caught up on all my shows. The new season of Lost started this week and I can not tell you how excited I am! It looks like it is going to be a great season. Plus I have 24 and soon Heroes so it will be a great season. (wow I have no life). BTW BIL's tooth finally had a root canal and he is doing much much better.

My nephews were cute and excited about celebrating hubby's b-day. As soon as we walked in they sang Happy Birthday. Jo.ey was telling mommy at the store that Uncle D wanted trains for his birthday. Hmmm Im thinking he was projecting his wants here or hoping he could get him a train and then Uncle D would give it to him. Too cute! DH was opening his gifts and looking at them and Jo.ey would be saying ok whats next. I think he was hoping for a train. No.ah the soon to be 2 yr old I think is going to be a pitcher or a quarterback. He has quite an arm. He can throw a ball across the room right to you. He loves to play catch although he hasn't got the catching thing down but he is adorable.

One of my doggies Katie Jo is not feeling good and has been crapping all over my house even though we let her out like every hour. I don't know what to do it is driving me crazy...well probably more like my husband since I am not very good with the whole dog crap thing.

Our warm snap is over and by warm I mean 35 degrees but that felt like heaven compared to 0 or below. The 0 degree weather has made a comeback. I thought we were worried about glo.bal war.ming? Uh not seeing it...LOL I am so ready for spring.

I have taken down the poll. It looks like the yeses won so I will keep it for now. I'm sure I will update again because I get bored easily it just isn't as easy to find one I like when I have a 3 column template.

Thanks again to everyone you are all so wonderful!

Friday, January 23, 2009

I've fallen and I can't get up

I am not going to be doing my usual Favorite things Friday today because I am hurting and I can't really think of a favorite thing right now...unless you consider not being in pain would be one of my favorite things. Anyway...

So I guess me being the giver that I am, I decided that I did not want my sister to feel lonely with her knee pain. So I figured the best way to accomplish that would be a trip off the porch the hard way. I stepped on my steps and they were COVERED in ice and I went flying. I landed hard on both my knees, one a little worse then the other. My right knee is swollen and I can barely walk on it. I went and got x-rays at urgent care and they said it is not broken but they couldn't see much because of the swelling and I wouldn't (couldn't) let them move it much. They said to make an appointment with my doc (which is a project in itself) and get an MRI. So I am now laid up on my couch hurting :( So sorry if I don't get much commenting in today. I will try to catch up later. I don't want to break my iron commenter streak.

I hope all of you are doing better then I am. Have a great weekend!

Note: To all that wondered how to do the cross out on blogger go to this web page and it will tell you how.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

What have I done?

Not feeling much like writing today so I saw this on just want to be a mom's blog and since I really like lists I thought I would use it.
If you want to participate...
Simply copy the list and cross out the ones you have done.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/World
8. Climbed a mountain (if you count driving and then climbing the last few steps :)
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang/played a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning (unfortunately more then once)
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill (it's a waste not to...oh I mean NO I would never do that!)
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing (if you count one of those fake walls)
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible3times
86. Visited the White House(I am counting being on the outside as a visit)
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one too many
94. Made a baby not live ones :(
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Yes we can!

Name: Michelle
Age: 34 (soon to be 35)
Diagnosis: PCOS
TTC: For over 8 yrs. In the process I have had 4 lost babies. 2 early miscarriage and 2 ectopics.
Currently: Trying to save money for IVF

It is ICLW again. Welcome new readers and regular readers. I hope your week is going great. Mine is ok.

Yesterday was a good day for the country! I thought it was amazing to see all those people there in Washington DC. I was not someone who was all excited this election. I really was not "into" it as everyone seemed to be but after the election it has started to grow on me. I was excited yesterday. We needed a change. We needed this country to be happy and excited about something. We need people to get involved and to care again. By the looks of things we have achieved those things. Yesterday was a historic day and I am glad that I was able to witness it. My hope is that this feeling continues. That we don't forget that what we thought was possible yesterday IS possible next week, next month, next year, in 10 years. That all that we have achieved so far is nothing compared to what we can achieve in the years to come. That we continue to move forward not dwelling on the mistakes of the past but using them as a stepping stone to our future. For all our faults, for all our mistakes we still live in one of the greates countries in the world! A country where the possibilities are endless as long as we don't forget "united we stand, divided we fall".

Yes we can!

Note to self: I really need to take my own advice.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Shades of gray

What I want to BE most in this life I am not! Why? I ask this question so many times. Is it because I am not a good enough wife, sister, daughter, Aunt, friend, niece, granddaughter, or woman? Would I not make a good mother? I don't think that is it. At least I hope that is not it...

I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS for short. Because of this I have a higher then normal chance of miscarriage. I have been told 40-60% chance to be exact but in my case it happens to be 100%. I have been pregnant 4 times and lost the baby 4 times. I think often of my angels. What would they be like? Would they have my husbands contagious laugh? My blue eyes? Would they grow up to be a ballerina? a football player? the president? Is the once future president up in heaven now never to run the world but to play with the other babies? To wait for me? To watch over me? Did I fail them somehow? Where are they? I want them here. I have too many unanswered questions.

Infertility and miscarriage have robbed me. Robbed me of the happiness I once felt. The security of my future. It has removed the "rose colored" glasses and shown me gray. A gray that envelops my life like a dense fog that won't lift. 

The things that most people take joy in, a pregnancy, a baby being born, children laughing, the new spring, the fall colors, are all just reminders to me. Reminders of what could have been. What might never be...

I no longer look forward to being pregnant. I am terrified! I don't want to feel the pain of miscarriage ever again! But the fear of never having children terrifies me more. So I move forward...Begging, hoping, praying. And I chip away at the gray like a sculptor with a new mound of clay. Working at it tirelessly molding, scraping, forming. Until one day my dream will be formed and out of the gray, life will become colorful again!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow (kids mentioned)

Another day in paradise! More snow, more cold. It is just crazy all the snow we are getting here this year. We got about another 7 inches today. I am so sick of it! I guess at least today it is not -12 degrees like yesterday.

Anyway, went to sis's house this morning to help out a little. She is getting around a little better so that is good news. Hopefully it will just keep getting better and better. BIL's tooth is doing a little better too so thanks to everyone for the well wishes. My nephews were so cute today. I guess it would be no different then any other day. I just love them to pieces. I can't believe No.ah is going to be 2 in a couple months. He is at such a great age! He will just call my name over and over again and I just love it. Jo.ey is getting better at sharing unless of course you are talking about his trains and that would be a whole other story. He is so polite it is cute. When I was over there the other night my mom asked him to find his sippy cup and he said they were downstairs but he couldn't go because the light was not on. I told him I would turn it on and we could go look. So we go downstairs and they are not down their. So Jo.ey is walking up the stairs and saying "I.m sorry Gramma they are not down there. Im sorry I just don't know where they are." How cute is that?

Anyway, then we went to MIL's house to have some cake and ice cream for DH's b-day. We played some W.ii and had fun but I am glad to be home. Now we are just relaxing and trying to stay warm.

Nothing very exciting going on which I guess could be a good thing. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Thanks to the readers who delurked. Again I love your comments so keep em coming.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Favorite things Friday

delurking Pictures, Images and Photos

Ok, OK I know this is a cheap favorite things but hey what can I say it's all I got right now. So one of my Favorite things is comments. I just love love love comments. It's like my crack and if it is then I am an addict! (hmmm I wonder if this qualifies as crack, does that mean I will get pregnant soon. Oh let's hope...BRING ON THE CRACK...lets see what kind of hits that gets me from Mr. Google). Any who, all you lurkers out there and I know you are out there...I see you on my stat counters... It is Delurking week so come on let me know you are there leave me a comment just to say Hi! I will come over to your blog and say Hi. You know I show you mine now you show me yours. I promise I don't bite...well maybe sometimes but that is whole other story for another day. Even if you don't have a blog I would love to hear from you. Come on I'm and addict and I need my fix!

Update from last post: Sis is doing ok. Went to doc today and they said to try physical therapy for 3 weeks (which I am pretty sure must be on ever page of the Dr handbook PSST: if patient comes in with ANYTHING suggest physical therapy...big commissions wink wink don't tell anyone) I swear every time I go for any pain that is what they suggest but in case you didn't know that costs some money. how about you show me the exercises and I will do them. I know it does work but I am just saying I don't have the time nor the money. Oh yea I forgot not talking about me...At least this is all work mens comp for Sis but still it does take time. But I guess if you can avoid surgery that would be a good thing.

BIL is still not feeling that great. They filled his tooth today so hopefully he is feeling better tomorrow. I am going over there in the morning to help out for a little while. Please keep them in your thoughts. Thank you all for you thoughts and prayers it is appreciated!

Thank you for leaving me comments. I just love all of you. You are the greatest!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Are we having fun yet?

Yesterday was a day full of such fun I know you will all be jealous (note the sarcasm). Well it started off as a normal day. Feeling sad (see previous post) trying to be cheery for hubby's birthday. Went to work. Had to do a ballet dance with the car situation...sometimes it is so hard to have only one car. Anyway remembered halfway through the morning we had to renew the plates on our car. Can't be late with that or they charge you a fee. So DH got off work went to his mom's to get money from her so he could get the plates. I get a call from my mom at 4:30 at work. That always gets my heart pumping because my mom rarely calls me (I usually call her) and she especially doesn't call me at work. She left a message so I called her back and she says...Um your sister is being taken to the hospital in an ambulance, she fell at work and she can't move. Can you go watch the kids so her DH can go to the hospital?

ME:What do you mean can't move? Like paralyzed can't move? Mom: I don't know Me: what did they say? Mom: She is going to the hospital I am not sure what happened. (My mom is always a huge wealth of information. Me: Well I don't have a car at the moment let me call DH and find out when he can be here.

Call DH he can't be at my work until 5:15. Roads are bad because it has been snowing all day. UGH! So I call mom and say I can be there at like 5:45 - 6:00. We hang up. She calls back and says just go to the hospital because her DH is picking up the kids and going there. She hurt her knee...don't know if it is broken but it is bad.

Ok I will be there asap and then we can just take the kids home. I am now sighing in relief that at least it's not the paralyzed can't's the hurt knee can't move...big difference.

DH gets to work we are headed to the hospital...almost there and mom calls and says they are releasing her on crutches and she has to see a specialist...probably needs surgery...I am going to the house because her DH is in bad shape Me: huh? mom: His tooth is in pain and his face is swollen. (note: turns out by swollen she meant looks like he sucking on a softball). I felt so bad for him. Even more so then my sister at this point because I know that pain. Once you have that kind of toothache you never forget it because you would rather take pliers and rip all your teeth out one by one with no anesthetic on your own then deal with this pain.

So I meet them at her house. Mom and I and my DH fed the kids, cleaned the house, and got the kids in pj's and let BIL take some pain meds and try to go to sleep.

Now he is pain and my sis can not walk at all. 2 kids, 3 and 1, and I am not sure what they are going to do. Sis is holding out hope that it will just get better in a couple days but it does not sound like it. She can't put any pressure on it. She is hopefully going to a specialist tomorrow so we will know more then. BIL went to dentist and they had to hollow out the tooth and tomorrow they are going to fill it so hopefully he will start feeling better tomorrow. So all in all it was a great day...haha.

I feel bad for them. So all my internet friends if you could send prayers and/or good thoughts their way I would really appreciate it. They could use all they can get!

BTW Happy Birthday Hunny and you thought we weren't going to do anything fun on your birthday, silly you. LOL

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Death of a Dream

4 years ago! January 14th, 2005! That is when it first of several miscarriages. 4 years ago that day I thought was the worst day of my life...little did I know it would get worse.

It was the death of a dream. A dream that I thought had finally become realized. I had been trying for 4 years and never saw the beautiful 2 lines. When I finally did I thought "thats it! My nightmare is over". Unfortunately it was just beginning. My sister had found out she was pregnant like a month or so prior. She was on a cruise and I could not wait to tell her. We were going to be pregnant together. Our children would be close like siblings...oh it was going to be so much fun! I remember that it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I was finally to be happy because now I would be complete. I had entered into the adult world. I was no longer a kid playing "grown-up".

When I look back on it, I think it was one of the happiest times of my life. I was finally going to have my baby I had longed for for so long. My body worked, I was not broken anymore. I had such plans...oh how naive I was...

When they called to say my beta had dropped...I just remember letting out a scream at the top of my lungs...NO! NO! NO! YOU CAN"T TAKE MY BABY AWAY! PLEASE DON"T TAKE MY BABY AWAY! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! They were wrong I just knew they had to be wrong. Maybe my first numbers were wrong, maybe the of them HAD TO BE WRONG! I made my DH take me to the ER. I wanted them to do a blood test there and find out what the numbers were...he knew the dr was right but he took me...I think he would have done anything on that day...anything that would have taken the pain away from me, even though he was feeling it too.

We went to the ER and I pretended like I did not know a thing. I didn't want them to think I was some crazy person in denial...because I WASN"T! The doctors just had it all WRONG!!! So they hooked me up to the catheter and then wheeled me down to do an ultrasound. I laid there trying so hard to read the techs face. Was that blink she just had a good blink? the breath she just took was that out of relief? Please, please just tell me you see my baby and he/she is fine...TELL ME!!! Of course she didn't. they must train those ultrasound techs in the hospital really well because I could not tell a thing by her face. The dr came in and said they did not see much on the ultrasound but it was too early. Then he told my the numbers and said "it was a threatened miscarriage" and to go home and make an appointment with my DR...there was still hope he said. But he didn't know what I knew. When I heard the numbers...152 much, much lower then the 704 from the call that morning. I knew that ALL HOPE HAD BEEN LOST! In that moment even more so then that morning a piece of me died! And I wanted the rest of me to die too.

I cried and I screamed more then I thought possible for one person. I stared off into space just mumbling to my self...I HURT! I HURT! PLEASE SOMEONE MAKE IT GO AWAY! To make matters worse it was January 14th which also happens to be my DH birthday. What a SHITTY BIRTHDAY PRESENT! I felt bad for him because I knew his birthday would always be remembered as one of the worst days of our lives. I was so sad about that but I couldn't change it.

I did not know how I would go on. How I could ever smile again? How I could watch people living normal happy lives while I was living in such pain. But I did...somehow I just did.

Even though I was only pregnant for a few short weeks I loved that baby as if he/she were here for a whole lifetime. I still do! Along with my three other angels. I remember all the dates, the EDD, the miscarriage dates, but this one is always the hardest because it was THE DAY! The day where I realized that just getting the 2 lines did not mean I would have a baby. My dreams were going to be so much harder to obtain then I originally thought. The dreams I had of infertility just being a "story" I would tell about how I dealt with it for a little while but overcame it were gone. I was changed...

Monday, January 12, 2009

Random boring stuff

Not much going on just another day, another 3-6 inches of snow. OK OK already i get the point already! It's winter but really do you have to dump snow on us every frickin day? I need to move to a warm state I am so sick of the snow. I guess we are suppose to get more snow tonight, all day tomorrow, and then again on Wednesday...I am so over it!

I finally finished all my performance reviews at work and am now getting caught up on everything. It feels so good to cross things off my list.

Wednesday is DH's b-day but we are not really planning anything special. Too broke! Saturday we will celebrate with the family.

The same day as his b-day is another anniversary. One not to be celebrated and one not many (if any) except DH and I will remember. It is the anniversary of my first miscarriage. I will write more about this later.

Had a relaxing weekend. We were pretty much snowed in on Saturday. I went to go to the store on Saturday and to MIL but got on the roads and turned right back around and went home. It was not worth it. So we just played Gui.tar and watched movies.

Well I know boring boring boring but oh well that is all I got tonight. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend a Happy Monday (is that possible?). I will write something better tomorrow.

Friday, January 9, 2009


look what i did without a kid!

So for this installment of LWIDWOAK it is not going to be as exciting as this one.
Anyway, it's the simple things that I get to experience on a regular basis that are LWIDWOAK moments. For example...I get to sleep in on the weekends, in fact if I never want to get out of PJ's that is ok because I CAN. I can stay up late because I do not have to worry about the kids waking me up at 6:00 am. If I want to go somewhere I can go at a moments kids to get ready. I can walk through the store without hearing "mommy, can I have (place toy or candy of your choice)". I can watch anything I want. I can watch R rated movies or scary movies without worrying if the kids are asleep. I don't know all the kids shows and movies by heart because I haven't watched them 20 times. I can have sex whenever and where ever I choose. I don't have to pay for daycare or babysitters. I can drink myself silly if I want for no apparent reason. I could go out all night if I choose to (I don't but if I wanted to I could). And last but not least...No poopy diapers to change (this is a big bonus)!

These are the things I appreciate in between the longing for a child. I am sure you all know I would trade these all in a second and love every minute of it but while I don't have any kids I might as well enjoy these moments because hopefully they won't last.

Check out what Monica did without a kid here. (I know I am a little late but better late then never)

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Favorite things Friday

Wow this week has been one hell of a week for me at work! I have been so so busy...I mean really don't they understand I have a lot of blog reading to do. The Creme De La Creme List came out on January 1st and I want to read...not work. Oh well, that's work for you they do not understand the important things in life...

Anyway, as I am sure you guessed this week my favorite thing is The Creme de La Creme. It is just filled with the most beautiful, heart wrenching, funny, happy, sad, hope filled, and meaningful posts! It is everyone's best post for 2008. I can't stop reading and since work does not seem to understand, I stay up late just to read. I am trying to move slower because I do not want it to end but the good thing is new ones keep getting added. YAY. If you haven't checked it out then please go over and read the greatest post from the ALI community. And if you are not on the list pick your best post and add it because I can't wait to read!

Happy reading all!

PS Please see my blurb above this post. Don't forget to vote for Mel! She deserves all of our support!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

A winter poem for you

I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it's very well written.

a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

cold kitty cat Pictures, Images and Photos


The End

Sunday, January 4, 2009

I am one of "those people"

Ever since July...July 3rd 2008 to be exact. I feel like I have crossed over. Crossed an imaginary line that I had been inching towards for many years but thought I would never get to let alone cross. That is the imaginary line I drew in my mind between the numbers 3 and 4. Why that number? I am not so sure. 1 is too many if you ask me but it is something that in my mind was the point of no return. The time where I would really start worrying. Not that I didn't before...worry that is. I am a professional worrier but I mean REALLY worry about never being able to produce a live baby. After my first mc, while I was devastated, it was just an early mc. People have them all the least that is what I told myself to make me feel better. Then the second one was a rare ectopic...that was just some crazy thing that happened...a 1 in a million shot and it just happened to me. Then I had my 3rd and I started thinking what if I am one of "those people", you know the ones everyone looks at when they first start IF and pray they never become. The one that has been trying for year after year, mc after mc, the ones that even the IFers pity. The ones you say there are so many advances today that will never be me. Surely God would not allow that to happen to me. I mean I have paid my "dues". I have been through this whole IF thing and I just really am over it now. Really...let's get back to the way my life should be, the way I had it planned. I remember thinking I could not possibly be one of "those" people there is no way that I could go on after all takes a strong person and I just don't have that.

Then July 3rd hit and I feel I have crossed over, at least in my mind that is what it feels like. I have gone from thinking those were a few bumps in my road...I have PCOS after now feeling it is ACTUALLY a REAL POSSIBILITY that I may never have a child of my own. My doctor, my family, my friends assure me it won't happen...that I will have my own child but me...I am not so sure and in fact I am terrified of it. I have found though...that while terrified I am also a lot stronger then I thought I was, I have a lot better marriage then I thought I would or could have after going through all this. The true people in my life have emerged the ones I can count on. So now I AM one OF "THOSE" PEOPLE the ones I feared the most...and guess what...

It SUCKS!!!!!!

But I'm still here and some day(hopefully) I will also be one of "them"...the ones that went through all the pain and came out the other side with a baby and a deeper appreciation for being a parent and life...At least that is my plan...

Friday, January 2, 2009

Favorite things Friday....among other things

Um, I still have 9 minutes left. I know it's a little late but I am hooked to my new favorite thing. After New Years Eve I went out the next day and bought Gui.tar Her.o. I love it and I can't seem to stop playing. However, I have to stop now because my neck and wrists started aching so I am here getting caught up.

I did not ever think I would like this game. I mean look at how long it took me to play it. What has been a couple years this has been out. But I do I love it! It is addicting and the funny thing is my husband likes it but doesn't care really one way or the other. We have 2 guitars...we got a great deal...and we have been playing with and against each other and it has been fun...well except tonight he hasn't really played.

I came home from work and he was still in bed. He is off work for 4 days and it was 5:30 and he was still in bed. I was like "uh, do you think you could get up now" and then he said "well, I have had the worst headache" and so I have been trying to sleep it off. He said it was really really bad. That statement just made me freeze and sent me into panic mode. He said he was trying to avoid that and that is why he did not call me at work. In retrospect that was probably a good idea but I though he should have called. You may ask "why would a bad headache send someone into panic mode"...well you see in my DH's family aneurysms run wild. He has had like 4 family members die from brain aneurysms and his dad that survived. So it scares the shit out of me. Every time he gets a headache I am constantly checking on him to see if he is breathing. I hate it! One time we had to take him to the hospital because he couldn't stand up straight or see straight and he was throwing up. They did a MRI and told him it was just a migraine. The thing that scares me is there is no way to tell if it is just your run of the mill migraine or something more serious and again it scares the shit out of me. I know I may be overreacting but that is what I do. I am a professional at worrying.

He feels better now but I still worry.

Anyway, well it is now after 12:00 but I started before so it still counts. If you haven't tried Gui.tar Her.o, you should it is a lot of fun...or maybe you shouldn't if you want to get anything done. LOL I hope you all have a great weekend.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

2009 is here!

My dear friend 2009,

I have been looking forward to you for a while now. Much like I did your evil twin 2008 or your cousins 2007, 2006, and 2005. They did not live up to my expectations. On several occasions they rally pissed me off as a matter of fact. So I am sending you a note as kind of a warning so you will not make the same mistakes as they did. For example (and I will use 2008 for more recent examples), when I am taking injections and do a trigger shot it is really not a good April fools joke to give me kidney stones at the EXACT time I am suppose to "do it"...really not funny at all. Also, and even worse still do not then let me find out I am pregnant as kind of a fluke only to find out the next day that I am having a miscarriage and then 2 days later find out it is another ectopic. This is not exactly my idea of a great time. Another good thing to avoid would be the taking of any lives of any of my family, extended family, or friends. These people are very important to me and I would like them all to stay around. On the job front I would like to avoid the roller coaster ride that was 2008 and just have everything calm down. The wondering all the time if I will have a job or not can really be exhausting. As a side note to this my dearest 2009 if you could find a way to throw some extra money my way I would very much appreciate it. I have a lot of things coming up such as taxes, my lease is expiring and I will probably need IVF so I could really use some extra funds. If the extra funds for IVF is a little too much then please just have the last round of injections I am planning work with a live baby resulting from said injections. If that happens then 2009 you and I can become the best of friends.

So in closing 2009 I have heard some good things about you. Your refrences have all been good. I have high hopes for you and I do not want to have to be talking to your supervisor, 2010, about what a crappy job you did. So lets work together to make this a happy and enjoyable year. Thank you.

Love always,

To Baby and Beyond

So it's finally 2009. It's 1:30 and I home in my pajamas already. Man I think I am getting old. There was a time that we would just be really getting started but tonight it was like we all could not wait for midnight. Don't get me wrong we had a BLAST tonight. I ate and I ate and I ate some more then we played my new found love "Gui.tar". Seriously tomorrow I am trying to get this for my PS2.

Anyway, as I have said many times before I am so happy it is 2009 but tonight when I was saying goodnight to DH (poor guy has been up since 2:30 am...he was tired). I said the usual I love you and was walking away. Some how at that moment my heart told me that was not enough so I said " I am truly a lucky person to have found you. I mean in all of this world you are the one that makes me happy. We have been through some tough times but they have made us stronger. It has made us love each other deeper and for that I am truly thankful". To that being the oh so romantic person he is he said "yeah I know". We laughed and now he is sawing logs.

But tonight I felt really deeply how much I love him. How much I really am looking forward to spending another year with him, whether all my dreams come true or not I will always know that one of them did come true about 15 years ago and for that I am so blessed.