Sunday, January 4, 2009

I am one of "those people"

Ever since July...July 3rd 2008 to be exact. I feel like I have crossed over. Crossed an imaginary line that I had been inching towards for many years but thought I would never get to let alone cross. That is the imaginary line I drew in my mind between the numbers 3 and 4. Why that number? I am not so sure. 1 is too many if you ask me but it is something that in my mind was the point of no return. The time where I would really start worrying. Not that I didn't before...worry that is. I am a professional worrier but I mean REALLY worry about never being able to produce a live baby. After my first mc, while I was devastated, it was just an early mc. People have them all the time..at least that is what I told myself to make me feel better. Then the second one was a rare ectopic...that was just some crazy thing that happened...a 1 in a million shot and it just happened to me. Then I had my 3rd and I started thinking what if I am one of "those people", you know the ones everyone looks at when they first start IF and pray they never become. The one that has been trying for year after year, mc after mc, the ones that even the IFers pity. The ones you say there are so many advances today that will never be me. Surely God would not allow that to happen to me. I mean I have paid my "dues". I have been through this whole IF thing and I just really am over it now. Really...let's get back to the way my life should be, the way I had it planned. I remember thinking I could not possibly be one of "those" people there is no way that I could go on after all that...it takes a strong person and I just don't have that.

Then July 3rd hit and I feel I have crossed over, at least in my mind that is what it feels like. I have gone from thinking those were a few bumps in my road...I have PCOS after all...to now feeling it is ACTUALLY a REAL POSSIBILITY that I may never have a child of my own. My doctor, my family, my friends assure me it won't happen...that I will have my own child but me...I am not so sure and in fact I am terrified of it. I have found though...that while terrified I am also a lot stronger then I thought I was, I have a lot better marriage then I thought I would or could have after going through all this. The true people in my life have emerged the ones I can count on. So now I AM one OF "THOSE" PEOPLE the ones I feared the most...and guess what...






It SUCKS!!!!!!



But I'm still here and some day(hopefully) I will also be one of "them"...the ones that went through all the pain and came out the other side with a baby and a deeper appreciation for being a parent and life...At least that is my plan...

11 comments:

G I N A L O U said...

I know exactly how you feel. It's scary and beyond sad to think that we may not be able to parent biological children.

But, you're right - one day, you will be a mother. Somehow, some way you will be a beautiful mother. And your plan is perfect... to emerge on the other side of this IF chasm with "a baby and a deeper appreciation for being a parent and life."

I admire your positivity. I need more positivity like this in my life.

Thank you.

CJ said...

That is the worst part of infertility, there is no guarantee that you will emerge with a biological child! Although I didn't try as long as you have, I did get to the point where I was sure I couldn't get pregnant. After 15 months of proactive infertility treatment, no diagnosis, and everything looked PERFECT (according to the RE) every month, sometimes even with 3 fabulous follies and "Olympic Gold" sperm... I felt like if it hadn't happened yet, it never would. But I was surprised. And I hope you will be, too.

JamieD said...

Though I have only had two miscarriages I have had similar feelings. It is easy to tell yourself that lots of people have miscarriages, but fewer have had two in a row.

Keep up the positive attitude - you are an inspiration!

Eskimo_Kisses_4_U said...

I know how you feel. It sucks big time.

But I hope that you will have the ability to conceive and carry a little one to term and be able to say that you are one of the ones that defied the odds.

Good Egg Hunting said...

I am so sorry that you are in this space right now where you're feeling more discouraged and less hopeful...where you're fearing that you may be "one of them." But I think it's important to remember that many, many infertile people feel this way about themselves before it finally happens. When I sat down with my Dr. after discovering this miscarriage (my first), I said to her, through tears, something like "I knew this would happen -- I had a bad feeling" and she said something really smart back to me...she said that every infertility patient feels that way. It's not like you have some sort of ESP or something, it's just a feeling of being used to disappointment that you have before it finally happens. But your feelings and your past losses do not in any way mean that your baby is not just around the corner. It's hard to keep the faith but I'm thinking of you -- hang in there.

Mo and Will said...

I hear you. I am starting to think that I am one of those people too. And it is excruciatingly painful. With this last failed cycle it has started to feel like the efault position is infertility and the big surprise would be getting and staying pregnant. I used to think the infertility was a temporary way station and while i stil hope it is, it doesn't feel that way anymore. at all.

all we can do is hang in there, do what we need to do with our treatments and hope for the best. You are right on that when we get out the other side we will have a VERY deep appreciation for parenthood.

Glad I saw this post. this is exactly what I needed to read today.
Thanks.

Mo

Another Dreamer said...

I'm starting to feel like one of those woman too, but I'm not ready to give up just yet either.

I hope that you one day one of them too, one of the ones who make it out of this grinder. I hope I do too.

Dana said...

You explained exactly how I was feeling..I just couldn't find the words. I think all of us fear that we are that person. I pray and hope so much that no one ever has to be that person. Love you!!

Elle said...

I can't even begin to understand what this must be like, being a (relative) newbie to this. But I wanted to send you hugs.

I definitely remember the point where statistics (like "1 in 6 couples has trouble conceiving") stopped being comforting to me and started making me sad. Because we were that 1 in 6.

Wishing you a brighter 2009!

Barb said...

VERY much what I often feel. Hang in there.

chicklet said...

It was a really tough place for me to reach, and a tougher place for the husband still to reach, but yea, thinking we may never actually have our own... well, it's just kinda crazy. How could that possibly be us? And yet it is:-(