Thursday, October 30, 2008

Favorite things Friday

Well, since I am in a funk I am not really "feeling" the favorite things but I am going to post about my absolute most favorite thing in the whole wide world...that is my husband.  I know I have said it before but he is truly a great man! He is the love of my life, my rock of gibralter, my knight on a white horse and whatever other cliche you can think of. He knows how to make me laugh when I feel there is nothing to laugh about. He knows how to talk me down when I have reached the edge and I want to jump (not literally). He spoils me (shhh don't tell him I told you that). As I have stated this week has not been a good week. For some things I can say and others that are not necessarily my story to tell and still others that I have yet to discover in the depths of my sometimes very crazy mind.

When I get like this I can take things, small things, and blow them up until it is the end of life as we know it. I don't know if this is a result of the infertility or other things that have happened in my life but it has become some what of a 'thing' for me. I hate this about me. It is not an enjoyable character trait. It is not something that you hear me go off on my tangents and say there is something I wish I could do, gee she has all together. But some how through all my craziness and my inability to produce 1 live baby in 8 years of trying and 4 pregnancies my DH looks at me like I am his soul mate. I am the one he chooses to be with forever and ever. I am the one he loves more then life itself. Why he does not pack up and run in the other direction is sometime beyond my imagination. Now don't get me wrong I am also the source of much humor and bewilderment for him because he is the most laid back person I know. Things DO NOT stress him out! He alsways sees the "glass half full" and always reassures that things are going to work out just the way they are suppose to and that will be perfect. ..much to my dismay because I want to know how exactly are they going to work. Someone needs to run this by me and make sure it is what I had planned. Make sure it fits in to my version of how my life is suppose to go.

I wish I could be more like him or he more like me sometimes but I know that would never work! That is why were are the perfect balance. We fit "like a glove". If we were both like him nothing would ever get done because we would be sitting around waiting for eveything to happen "the way it is suppose to" and if we were both like me we would sit around planning everything to death and trying to come up with evey contigency plan in case what we planned did not work out and that is just EXHAUSTING! So instead we go perfectly together like chocolate and strawberries (memo to self get these this weeked they will make me feel better mmmm). How we found each other in this great big world is amazing (philosophical enough for you) and I am so THANKFUL every day for him because without him I think I would have been locked up in a looney bin a long time ago. Everyday he chooses to love me for all my faults and quirks. He chooses to stay by my side to make me laugh, cry, sometimes get angry, and feel loved. For that I will never feel lack or stressed or sad. I will just be forever grateful and full for I have found what every person looks for and that is someone to love and someone to love back. That is why he is my ULTIMATE favorite thing!

Sorry if I bored anyone with my sappiness or sadness lately. It will get better soon...hopefully.  :)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Wow it has been 4 days since my last post. There is so much going on but yet nothing going on. Is that possible? Maybe it's just so much going on in my head but not much in real life. Im in a funk and I am not sure how to get out. I am exhauseted and haven't felt too much like writing lately. So here are some random things/thoughts...

1.  I made Iron Commentor again and I read so many wonderful peoples blogs. I love ICLW because it gives me a chance to meet people and read blogs that aren't on my "normal" reading list. However, my "normal" reading list is getting longer and longer. It is great because I feel so "at home" with all of you. You are all in my head. You know me. You are me. I am sorry that so many of us have to go through this but happy that I am not alone.

2. Just got an email from a old (not so much anymore) friend saying she was pregnant. It actually makes me sick to my stomach. She takes drugs on a regular basis thus ended our friendship because she is a totally different person. This is what perpetuates the "crack whore" theory. She does not even want the kids she has so WTF?

3. Just got notice to renew DH insurance for next year and it is going up a whopping 70.00, that is right 70.00 EVERY 2 WEEKS. That is a 140.00 a month!!!! Who does that? I do not understand this at all! 

4. Halloween is coming and I can not wait to see my nephews in their costumes. Hopefully I will have pictures to show. 

5. I feel so discouraged lately. Like I am never going to be able to have a baby of my own. I don't know how I am going to get the money and that just frustrates the hell out of me! 

6. I am LOVING the new season of "H.eroes". 

Well that is all I got for now. I hope you all are doing Fantastic! Any suggestions for getting out of this funk would be welcomed because all the usual is not working.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Where is my "B.ail O.ut"?

I am stressed! I am trying to save money and it is not working out very well. All these people keep wanting money from me month after month after month! Don't these people (car, house, electricity) know that I want to have a baby. I need this money more then they do I mean I am not getting a "b.ail o.ut". Where is my "b.ail o.ut"? Why can't I say "um, look I don't think I am going to be able to pay you right now. Check with me in a couple of months and will see where we are. Great . Thanks!" Or I propose that everyone gets a month free of all bills every year. I know, I know they will just hike everything for the rest of the months. But my blog, my dream! And in that dream they would have to keep everything the same for every other month but you would just get to pick a month of no bills. Yea I think that is a good idea...I think I will write my congressman, maybe the president. 

Dear Mr President,
We ALL need a "b.ail o.ut". blah, blah, blah. Thanks...I knew you would agree. 
Baby makin' isn't as easy (or as cheap) as you think.

Or maybe a petition. I bet I could get a lot of signatures. It's just my money coming in and my money going out are not adding up currently. At the rate I am going I am going to be "on break", saving for IVF, FOREVER! I do not have forever...I am not getting any younger (if I could only figure out how to make that happen I would be rich. Hey maybe I am on to something this may be better then the "b.ail o.ut" idea...hmmm again my blog my dream). I know I am not alone in this but today I am wallowing in my brokeness. Oh well, now I am off to play the lottery...

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Favorite things Friday and I've been tagged

I have been tagged by the wonderful Emma for a recipe exchange. I am not a cook at all. Lucky for me my husband does all the cooking. But I do have a Fantastic dessert. This is my favorite in the whole world! Instead of cake on my birthday I have this. It takes a while to make but it is so worth it in the end. Actually it is good it takes a while because otherwise I would weigh 750 pounds.

Since this is one of my favorite things I thought I would combine the two. Here are the rules: (mine is not a holiday thing but you can make it for the holidays)

With the busy holiday season fast approaching I thought this would be a good time for a recipe exchange. If you’d like to participate please make a new post in your blog with your favorite holiday dish. A story to go along with why that particular dish is so special to you would be great too! Then, leave a comment for me with a link to your recipe post.

Next, pick at least 5 blogger buddies to include in the recipe exchange. Leave this comment for them:
"I’ve chosen you to join in a blogger buddy recipe exchange! Check out my blog to find out more about it!"
As new recipe comments come in, your blog readers will be able to enjoy other’s recipes as well.


Makes 2 pies
1/2 gallon neopolitan ice cream (try to get it in a box because it will make it easier)
1 cup chocolate chips
1 stick butter
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups powdered sugar
1 can pet milk
2 graham cracker pie crusts (I prefer chocolate but I always prefer chocolate so it does not matter)

In a medium sauce pan melt butter and chocolate chips. Add sugar and pet milk and bring to a rolling boil for 8 minutes while stirring the whole time. Take off heat and add vanilla. Let cool all the way.

To put together you will do this in layers:
Slice the ice cream by flavors. So in the bottom layer put what ever flavor of ice cream you want first. Add a layer of chocolate on top and then freeze (usually about an hour-1 and half hours) The more frozen it is makes it easier for the next layer. Then keep doing this adding a layer of ice cream then a layer of chocolate until the flavors are done (3layers of ice cream in total).

There you have me it is the best ice cream pie in the world!!! When you cut it it looks pretty to because you have the different color layers.

I hope you all enjoy!

As for who I am going to tag....I am going to tag Heather, Dora, Sunny in Seattle, Shelby, and Carrie.
If I have tagged you, you're it (just cut and paste and answer them on your blog!). Can't wait to see your recipes so I can give my husband things to make me hehe.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Face of Infertility

1 in 6 women experience infertility. I AM that 1.

2.5% of women have PCOS. I AM that 2.5%.

1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I AM that 1.

Women with PCOS have a 45% (or more) of miscarrying. I AM that 45%.

But I AM NOT a statistic! What am I?

I AM a wife. A wife of a wonderful husband, who would be an even better father! A wife that wonders why he stays when she is the one that is broke. Why should his dream be denied? I am sorry for that.

I am a daughter. A daughter who would like nothing more then to give her mother a grandchild. A daughter that loves her mother and knows she too is in pain because her child is in pain but there is nothing I can do about it. I am sorry for that.

I am a sister. A sister whose best friend is her sister. A sister who both times she heard “I’m pregnant “was so happy for her but sad for herself. A sister who rejoiced over the birth of her nephews as if they were her own but on the inside was thinking. “why can’t this be me?” and I am sorry for that.

I am a granddaughter. A granddaughter who fears that her grandmother will never meet her great grandchildren. They will never know this amazingly strong woman that I know. I am sorry for that.

I am an Aunt. An Aunt who loves her nephews as if they were her own. Who hugs them so tight not wanting to let them go because she remembers she was suppose to have one the same age and wonders what they would be like.

I am a Boss. A Boss who has bad days too. Who sometimes may not understand that getting a flat tire on the way to work was the end of the world because yesterday I lost my baby and I am still here today on time. I am sorry about that.

I am a Friend. A friend who needs her friends more now then ever before. A friend that will love you, listen to you, help you but may not be able to come to every baby shower because it hurts to much. I am sorry for that.

I am a Woman. A woman who can’t do what women were born to do. A women whose heart is broken. A women who will comfort you, laugh with you, cry with you, and help you but right now needs to do all those things for herself and I am sorry for that.

I am the girl behind you in the checkout line. The girl who is buying a pregnancy test with excitement and dread at the same time because deep down she knows it probably did not happen this month and if it did there is so much that can go wrong. She is worried about that.

I am the person that cut you off on the road because her mind was racing in a million directions because she wonders if the spotting she saw this afternoon was notice of impending doom. I am sorry for that.

I am your neighbor who may not always seem so friendly. Who does not always come over to your kids birthday parties because it is just too hard right now and I am sorry for that.

I am your patient. A patient whose happiness that day depends on the news you give her over the phone or in person. If she reacts badly or says something not nice it is not a reflection of your abilities, it is a reflection of her inabilities. I am sorry for that.

I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I hurt. I cry. I hide. I yell. I make mistakes and I am sorry for that.

I love. I am happy. I laugh. I smile. I am strong. I will heal. I will move forward everyday…one step at a time…I WILL do all these things. I AM all these things. I FEEL all these things because of the one thing that I am NOT. I am NOT a mother and I am most sorry for that!

Monday, October 20, 2008

I've been Tagged

Thanks Cara. You are truly a wonderful person! What you are doing will/is truly a blessing to many people. Along with you, there are many amazingly strong women out there. I appreciate all of your support and great friendship!

Now I am new to this...
So on to the info you all have been waiting for...

1.Do you have the same friends since childhood?
No, I have moved on from that time of my life. Friends that I had as a little one had all moved out of the neighborhood before we grew up and friends I had in high school I do not talk to much anymore. There are a few that I will send a Christmas card to but that is about the extent of it.

2. What do you value most about your friends?
They are genuine people who do not put up a front. They take responsibility for their own actions but do not take themselves or life too seriously and boy can they make me laugh!

3. Are your friends sounding boards?
Definitely! And I for them.

4. What is your favorite activity to share with friends?
We go to the cabin on the lake and talk and play cards and lay on the beach. It is a blast!

Now hmm who do I tag... I will take a page from Cara and pick my followers (I'm sure you all want to follow me now LOL) Emma, Searching for Serenity, Heather, and last but not least a random pick from my blog list eenie, meenie, minie , moe Jill. Now don't kill me you all.
If I have tagged you are it (just cut and paste and answer them on your blog!) . Thanks.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Virtual World Tour

Here is my bit of complete randomness...

Here is my "Benny" bear. My mother had him growing up and then she gave him to me. I hope to give it to my child someday. As you can see he is looking a little rough but he is still cuddly.


Here is th dolphin statue my husband bought me just because. Awww isn't he sweet?

Here is my new purse I just bought that I absolutely love!


And finally this is my cat Mia. She is just a little princess. Everything must be just right or she is upset. She is a big cuddler and she loves her belly rubbed.


To join th VWT hop on over to My santuary and join in the fun!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Favorite things Friday

So I decided rather then always being negative or complaining I am going to start my weekends off right. Every Friday I am going to post about my favorite things. Thus the name "Favorite things Friday". I'm so creative aren't I? I took a lot of thinking to come up with that one.

Anyway, what better way to start off the weekend and my first favorite thing then with a drink.
One of the bonuses of not being able to F-king afford IVF at the moment being on "break" is that I can enjoy a drink or two or three every now and again. My new favorite drink is Bailey's with Carmel.

baileys Pictures, Images and Photos

OMG it is capital A Awesome!It's great straight, on ice, or with ice cream...mmmm. I also heard it was good with coffee but I do not drink coffee so you will have let me know. Try it I think you will like it. I am off to la la land watch TV with my husband.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Today is the day where we mourn for all our lost dreams. The babies that were suppose to be in our arms not a memory in our hearts. 

My heart is broken as I remember. Remember where I should be, instead of where I am. On Saturday 10/18 will be another date that passes that I should have 2 year old. The due date for my second loss. The due date for the one that should have been if he/she would have just implanted in my uterus and not in my cervix. I remember the dr saying "I'm so sorry. The baby is healthy now but will soon cut off your blood supply. The baby will die and you will probably die". I remember being under during the surgery and fighting and when I woke they said they had to give me more anasthesia because I was fighting them. I said I was dreaming that someone was trying to take my baby. The sad thing wasn't a dream.

So I light a candle for angel #1, angel #2, angel #3, and angel #4. And I light a candle for all of your angels. For all the ones that should be here...the light of our lives not the light on our mantle.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States.  I have had 4 miscarriages. Well, actually 2 miscarriages and 2 ectopic pregnancies. The point is I have 4 angels in heaven. I have not had a stillbirth. I think about it. I fear it. I can't even imagine it! I have a friend who had one last year and it was devastating! One day the baby was fine and then the a week later she was delivering a baby that was still.  There just are NO WORDS to say about the pain that it inflicts. My pain was and is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. The pain of still birth is unimaginable!! We need to create awareness. It is something that is not talked about. People need to know the signs, symptoms, proper medical care, and fetal movement awareness. For more information please read  Or

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

You may be asking what can you do? You can post a blog in support of this ACT or you can write your congress men and women. You can tell them to pass this Act: H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. Tell them you do not want any more people, families, communities to go through this. Stop the pain. Mend some hearts. You can contact them by visiting this website:

If there is something that can help reduce the chances of still birth then we should jump at it.  If research would make it possible for even just 1  person to be able to come home with a LIVE baby instead of the remains then it should not even be a questions of if, but of when and how. Please help save a life. 

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Show and Tell

I am feeling better now. Still have a cold but I don't feel like the living dead anymore. Thank you for your well wishes. Now on to my show and tell this week...

My friend made me this bracelet. I love it. She knows I love charm bracelets and vintage stuff . It may not be that clear of a picture, it was taken with my cell phone. That is the only camera I have since my husband broke mine. Anyway, the white button on the left is over 80 years old and there is a beautiful little string of pearls.  She is too good to me.


If you would like to play along with show and tell or just see what others are showing this week head on over to Mel's place at Stirrup Queens and join the fun.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

I'm sick! :(

So here I sit with my head feeling like a million pounds, my throat scratchy, tired because I couldn't sleep all last night because of coughing and not being able to breathe. I hate it. It's that time of year again. I'm sick! It sucks! The end!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Wishing for a baby (pity party still going strong)

It's so amazing to me. The fact that this population goes on. The fact that people have babies everyday. The beautifulness (is that a word?) that is birth. I mean 1000's of babies are born everyday...but I can't seem to get a piece of the beauty! I am in constant awe that there are people out there that get pregnant without a thought, many who don't even WANT to be pregnant. How does this happen?

I wish I didn't know what I know. I wish I could go about life oblivious to all that could go wrong. To all the pain and heartache. I wish I did not have to know my cycle. Know when I ovulate (or don't for that matter). Know about the 2ww wait. Know exactly when I am pregnant and exactly when it ends. The people who don't know these things seem so much happier. I want some of the happiness! I want to believe that when I want something that if I hope enough, believe enough and try hard enough it will come to me. I want to believe that as soon as I get pregnant that will be the happy ending because surely I will have a baby. That's all it takes, right?

I wish I didn't know that it was possible for your heart to break into a million pieces many times and you would still survive. I don't want to know that no matter how many times you knock me down that I will get back up and try again. I don't like feeling this way. Feeling that the emptiness in the crib and in my heart may never be filled. A dream never fulfilled. Hope lost. So much love and no baby to give it to. Ugh...If only my wishes, dreams, and prayers would come true...

Saturday, October 4, 2008

More Metformin Madness

I think the devil himself created Metformin. I feel like crap! I had forgotten...remind me to never do this again. (no really please remind me) I know some of you do not know this wonderful drug used for most people that have PCOS. Consider yourself Lucky!! Because the side effects Suck! with a capital SUCK!!!!  They say it is suppose to help you ovulate and lessen your chances of miscarriage which is generally high for the lucky ones that have PCOS. I am willing to go through hell, if that is what it takes but so far Metformin has not cooperated with me. It has not showed me all it can do.  I have yet to see the wonderful results (aka a live baby) but I will try. I will hope and everytime I have a visit with my new BFF I will remember why I am doing this (not to mention I don't want to end up diabetic or any of the other health risks associated with PCOS). I just feel chained to my house, my stomach is upset, I feel like someone with a steam roller has rolled over and backed up and did it again.  So thats it my pity party for today. Sorry if I am harping on this thing but did I mention it SUCKS??? 

Friday, October 3, 2008


Well, I started back on Metformin again.  I, being the dummy I am, decided after my miscarriage in July that I was going to take a break from taking it. I figured it didn't help me with that pregnancy so I was mad and I stopped.  I am regretting that decision now!  I know I shouldn't have stopped. I know it's not just so I can get pregnant, it is also for insulin resistence but I was bitter so I thought I would show it...I just wouldn't take didn't do anything for me...I wouldn't do anything for it. I know logical thinking, right? But in my defense I was not in a good place.

When I stopped I had finally gotten used to the medication. I didn't have to run to the bathroom if I had a fricken piece of bread. I could enjoy food again. What the hell was I thinking?...I wasn't! Now I am back to square one...Let me introduce you to my new (actually old and familiar) best friend...


Who is getting the last laugh?...Met"evil"formin

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act

Antigone is recruiting us to take action to spread awareness about pregnancy and infant loss.

I have not had a stillbirth, however, I have had 4 miscarriages and the pain is great. I can not even imagine the pain of stillbirth. It weighs heavily on my mind and I do not want anyone to have to go through this if there is a way do research and prevent it. So with that said...

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.

GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.

GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."

GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.