Monday, October 6, 2008

Wishing for a baby (pity party still going strong)

It's so amazing to me. The fact that this population goes on. The fact that people have babies everyday. The beautifulness (is that a word?) that is birth. I mean 1000's of babies are born everyday...but I can't seem to get a piece of the beauty! I am in constant awe that there are people out there that get pregnant without a thought, many who don't even WANT to be pregnant. How does this happen?

I wish I didn't know what I know. I wish I could go about life oblivious to all that could go wrong. To all the pain and heartache. I wish I did not have to know my cycle. Know when I ovulate (or don't for that matter). Know about the 2ww wait. Know exactly when I am pregnant and exactly when it ends. The people who don't know these things seem so much happier. I want some of the happiness! I want to believe that when I want something that if I hope enough, believe enough and try hard enough it will come to me. I want to believe that as soon as I get pregnant that will be the happy ending because surely I will have a baby. That's all it takes, right?

I wish I didn't know that it was possible for your heart to break into a million pieces many times and you would still survive. I don't want to know that no matter how many times you knock me down that I will get back up and try again. I don't like feeling this way. Feeling that the emptiness in the crib and in my heart may never be filled. A dream never fulfilled. Hope lost. So much love and no baby to give it to. Ugh...If only my wishes, dreams, and prayers would come true...

8 comments:

Heather said...

Okay You are starting to sound like me...what is it about this month that just brings out the longing and the loathing and the pity!!! I hear ya! Soon, Michelle, Soon we will get ours! Chin Up!

ak_sapphire said...

i totally agree...if only we could be so blissfully naive. it is truly a miracle that so many children are conceived every day with no complications whatsoever. i know each of us have a few miracles out there waiting for us...someday, somehow.

Monica LeMoine said...

Wishing right there alongside you, girl. Understanding, knowing exactly how you feel. The core of your being will find how to balance this yearning with loving the life that you have. I believe that's true.

Barb said...

Very well said. My birthdays make me feel like that.

Cara said...

You are right. The sweet little cliche we all hear, "Oh the birth of a baby is a mirale..." - well its true.

Here's hoping for your miracle and soon.

Murgdan said...

Sometimes I try to remember what it was like...after all...for me it wasn't that long ago. But I just have a vague memory of the blissful ignorance of never having TTC. Sheesh. I'm just pissed about the loss of hope in general.

WiseGuy said...

Heart breaking into million pieces...Yeah, tell me about it....but don't let it become broken glass...

JamieD said...

Ugh . . . I know just how you feel. It shocks and horrifies me to meet women who don't know what their LH surge is for or even what OPKs do. And I hate that I know the ins and outs of what it takes to get pregnant only I can't seem to do it. Or maintain it.