Another date passes

So, I think this weekend I kind of went off the deep end. I completely lost it! I am sure it is because of October 15th being Pregnancy Loss Remembrance and then October 18th being the 2nd of my losses EDD. I should have a 4 yr old, I should have a 3yr old...for that matter I should have a 2yr old and a 1 yr old. Now granted had any of the previous pregnancies worked out I would not have all those consecutive children but I do have all those angels.

I started thinking of these things and then Saturday came and I could not stop crying. I think I cried more on Saturday then I have in the last year combined. It was non stop and my poor hubby did not really know what to do. I was suppose to go to my sis's and play cards and I really wanted to see my nephews because I thought maybe they could cheer me up but, it also had the possibility of making me more sad and I really did not want them to see me like I was.

So I hibernated for the weekend. I spent the last few days feeling very sorry for myself. For once in my life I did not care that the dishes were piled up in the sink, the laundry was not done, and I did not leave the couch or even get on the computer all that much. I thought and I cried, and I cried and I thought some more and today I am feeling better. I was worried a little yesterday because I don't usually like to dwell for more then a day but I could not snap out of it. I felt bad for all I did not have. For all I wish I had. I was angry, I was hurt, and I felt my heart break in to a thousand pieces again. I wondered if it was possible to keep repairing the same heart over and over again.  Maybe it is not completely repaired and maybe it never will be but apparently a few cracks and missing pieces are still ok.

Today I woke up and made myself clean the house. I turned on some music and my mood seemed better. I think I just needed a few days to feel really bad for me. For it to be ok that I was sad, mad, frustrated. To not worry what everyone else would think if I just felt sorry for myself for a while. I made it through yet another date. I will make it through more and someday hopefully I will be able to remember as I am holding my baby in my arms.

Thanks to hubby for not calling the loony bin on me.

Remembering

Today is a day of remembrance for everyone. A day where you think back to what you were doing when you heard or saw those horrific images on the screen. People screaming, dust covered, crying confused... I remember like it was yesterday. I can't believe it has been 8 years. The days following, I wondered how would we make it through this. It was scary...but we did it.

Today is also the day where I remember...I remember that I have an angel that should be 4 yrs old today. My first...suppose to be born...now my first...to be lost. I remember what I felt. I was screaming and crying and begging for things to be different. I wondered if I could possibly make it through all that pain...some how I did. It was scary...but I did it.

So today I remember all those that lost their lives on the horrific day. I remember the life that never came to be.

Even though I never got to see your face, hold you tight, hear you call me mommy...I love you my angel as if you were here for a lifetime!

Angels in Heaven

It's getting close. Close to the EDD for my first angel. My angel would have been born on 09/11/05.  So now I have more then one reason to mourn on that day. It's funny (not really) how time passes but the pain is still so raw. Maybe it's because I keep having miscarriages that the pain remains. I don't know, I just know it's there, always in the back of my mind. I'm sad and I'm angry. I hate dwelling on what could of been...He/she would be turning 3. My nephew just turned 3 and I see what he is doing and how, oh so cute he is and I wonder what my little one would be doing now...

It seems so unfair! My sister and I were pregnant at the same time. It was suppose to be fun! Our kids would grow up together and be close, but then I wasn't. She now has 2 kids. She got pregnant with her second right after my 3rd loss and again we would of had children the same age growing up together. I was pregnant, she was pregnant, then again I wasn't. It's just not right. I keep thinking there should be some kind of limit, I mean I know that sounds stupid but how many times can I mend a broken heart? How many times can I have hope only to have it taken away? 

People keep telling me what a strong person I am. How they are amazed considering all I have been through that I can still have a smile on my face. What they don't know is ... I want to be strong...I'm trying to be strong...but I don't feel strong. I want to not let this beat me but the more I fight the harder it gets. It's like everytime I find a way over the wall, someone builds the wall taller.  But for now I am going to keep climbing! I will find a way to the other side! 

What I really wanted to say was my darling angels, please know that even though you were with me for only a short time, I loved you more then anything and I wish you could be here with me. Your place is in my heart forever but your home is in heaven. I will see you someday, you will always be my babies!

I want to add:

Since, I am new to this whole blog thing I have been reading a lot of other blogs of women, strong women, who are going through this just like me. It's nice to find I am not alone, you are all amazing people and I have found hope and encouragement from each one of you! Keep blogging and I hope to talk to you all soon. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger!!