Saturday, February 28, 2009

Show and Tell

This has been my cocoon for the last week or so. I have been camped out here watching endless hours of crap TV and movies.


Today got out of the house to go for an MRI. It was about the quickest appointment at a hospital I have ever had. My appointment was at 12:30 which meant I had to be there by 12:15. Well I got there at about 11:50 and they took me right away and I was in my car on the way home by 12:30. I was very amazed and quite happy.

while I was having it done I was thinking I was very thankful that I was not claustrophobic because it was a very tight fit. It was really uncomfortable to lay on my back for that long. They gave me the flattest pillow I have ever seen to put under my knees which did not help at all. I guess I should have listened to the dr. and taken pain meds before I went but oh well live and learn. So anyway, hopefully Monday I will get the results.

I cam home and we rented a couple movies. We watched Lake.view Ter.race and Lake.view was ok...not as good as I thought it would be with Sam.uel L. Jac.kson in it. Shu.tter was STUPID! So save your money on that one.

To check out what everyone else is showing head on over to Mel's place. Have a great weekend!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Same ole same ole

Well, I went back to the specialist yesterday and I am going in for a MRI tomorrow afternoon. I am excited about that because hopefully we can now get to the bottom of this problem. I will call the Dr on Monday and he said he will be able to tell me at that time whether it is something we can do shots for or if it something we might need to discuss surgery for. Let's all hope it is not the surgery because I have not heard good things about back surgery and I am not open to that idea. I just want some shots that will make it all better. So please keep me in your prayers or whatever you do I would appreciate it. He did give me some much better drugs though so I am happy about that.

Oh remember my sis's knee well she is having surgery next Friday so also keep her in your thoughts. She also got a promotion at work and I am very happy and proud of her. I haven't seen my nephews in a bit because I have been laid up and I miss them. Hopefully I will feel better soon. Everyone have a great weekend!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Short and sweet

So sorry I do not really have anything much to say because I haven't been doing anything. All I keep doing here is complaining about back pain but right now that is pretty much my life. I don't sleep very well and I can't sit for too long. It does not really matter what position I am hurts...BAD! I am going back to the specialist tomorrow and hopefully he has something more for me because the steroids just did not cut it. Hubby has been so wonderful taking care of the house and me. I love him so much. Sorry this is short and sweet. I hope to be back to my normal self soon. I hope you are all having a nice ICLW and really if you are new to this blog I am not usually this boring (at least I hope not).

Monday, February 23, 2009

How to raise money?

So sorry I have not really been updating lately. I am still laid up with the back. I am calling the doctor tomorrow since the steroids do not seem to be doing very much. I can't sit too long st the computer, I so wish I had a lap top. I am going crazy just laying on the couch!

Anyway while I have been lying there I have been trying to come up with ways to raise some money. I need to figure out how to get a new car this year since my lease is up and I need to come up with money for IVF. So I am asking you my dear internets...what ways have you used, if any, to help finance your IVF? I thought about doing a craft... which one would be the best? I feel I can learn to do just about anything. I think I would like to make jewelry but it seems everyone is doing jewelry. Anyone have any suggestions? I would really appreciate any input. I hope all is well and thank you for the well wishes.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Welcome to ICLW

So here is a summary of me for all you new readers. I hope anyone stopping by is doing well.

Age: 35 (just turned and not happy about it)
DH: 42
Married: 8 1/2 yrs
TTC: 8 1/2 yrs
Diagnosis: PCOS
Pregnancies: 4
Babies: 0

I have 4 angel babies. 2 were miscarriages between 5-7 weeks and 2 were ectopics. One was an extremely rare ectopic in my cervix. Unfortunately that was the only baby that was doing well and would have been great had it implanted in the correct place. I have tried clomid, injections, and IUI. I am now on break but getting ready to jump back on the horse. I am going to try one more round of injections with some added progesterone that my doctor never had me try before...why I do not know. If that does not work I am going to be pulling out the big guns...IVF. I have not one clue how I am going to pay for it but I HAVE to try.

Lately I have been feeling sad and angry about this whole IF thing and turning 35. I feel like I am not moving forward. I feel I am standing still while the whole world moves on. My last mc was last July and since then I feel I have crossed over into a world I never thought I would be. There is a problem yet there is no one who can tell me how to fix it and makes me sad that there is a possibility that I will never have a baby of my own.

Right now: I am having severe back pain from a probable slipped disk so I have been pretty much laid up in my bed, the couch, or lying on the floor with my feet on the couch as the dr instructed. I finally saw a specialist who gave me some strong pain meds and steroids and is hoping that will help. If not we will be doing an MRI and probably injections. Hopefully I will be feeling better soon because this pain is REALLY BAD!

I can't sit at the computer to long so I am sorry if I am a little bit of a slacker this month. I am still going to try to do all I can I REALLY do not want to break my streak of iron commenter but we will see. It is snowing pretty bad here today but what else is new this year in Michigan. I hope you all have a fabulous weekend and HAPPY ICLW. Thanks for stopping by!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

On the road to recovery...hopefully!

My doctor got everything straightened out with my insurance and after about 5000 calls yesterday I got an appointment with a specialist this morning. He was great he listened, evaluated everything about my back pain and came up with a plan. YAY I am so happy! He gave me steroids today and said that he did not want to even mess around with so so pain killers and gave me good ones. He said he thinks it is a bulging or slipped disk, so he told me to take the meds and relax because he said if pressing on the right nerve it can be quite painful. Uh duh that is what I have been trying to say. He said if the meds don't help by next week then he will do an MRI and then we will probably try injections. He gave me exercises to do which is basically arching my back while on the floor. He said that helps because with a disk problem it pushes it back in when you do that. So I am going to start that, take the meds, and hopefully feel so much better....I can't wait!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Just ranting away

Cycle day 31, cramps for 4 days now...still no AF. I really hate her! While I am on "break" from doing all the fertility meds and stuff I still want to try on my own. But I can't when I have cycles that last forever and ever. I mean I can, I do, but it just doesn't work as well. Maybe by some miracle, if AF ever sticks to her schedule, it will happen on it's own. Not really sure why I would even think that because in almost 9 years it has only happened once but still it doesn't cost anything to just (gasp) do it the old fashioned way. As shocking as that may sound I have heard I think some stories, maybe published in the paper or media reporting it, that people do get pregnant actually "doing it" without a Dr present and weeks of pills and shots. That just sounds strange to me.

I have just been really angry and bummed out lately that I can't just be like everyone else. I can't say "hey I want to have a baby and then a 9 months later poof there he/she is". No I have to figure out ways to raise money to have a baby and I just do not even have the first clue how to do that.

I'm angry that time is just slipping by and I have no control on how my life is unfolding. I'm angry that a woman that has 6 kids that she can barely support gets to have 8 more. I'm not saying you can't have as many kids as you want but come on all I am asking for is 1 here...

I'm angry that infertility is not treated seriously by most people. They call us selfish for wanting what most people can have easily. I'm angry that once you have a miscarriage that people feel bad for you for a couple days but then disregard it like my grief is not real...I should be over it by now. Well, I'm not and I never will be! It hurts less with time but it still hurts!

I'm angry that my body does not work the way it should and I have to jump through hoops just for the HOPE that it might.

It has been almost 9 years I WANT MY MIRACLE! I WANT to hear someone call me mommy. I want to watch him/her grow up. I want to be a family! I just hate this whole thing and I am really pissed off!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy V-day!

Just wanted to wish everyone a HAPPY VALENTINE"S DAY! I don't have anything special planned. We are just going to go play cards with sis and BIL. I have never really been into the whole Valentine's day thing. Maybe it is because my b-day is so close. DH got me my favorite though...chocolate covered strawberries. They are YUMMY! We watched movies last night and have had a lazy day. I have had cramps so bad that I think my stomach is going to explode into a million pieces. It snowed last night so warm days are over. :( We got to see the grass for about 2 days. Anyway, I hope everyone is having a good day!

Friday, February 13, 2009

PCOS awareness

Ok I know I have been a slacker on the favorite things Friday but I haven't been feeling all that great. I will get back to it soon. For today please click here and sign this petition for PCOS awareness. Here is an excerpt from the petition:
We believe there is insufficient community outreach, health resources, services, providers and other barriers that prevent women and girls with PCOS, (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) from obtaining necessary diagnosis and treatment of this syndrome. The cost of such inadequacies comes at the expense of the women and girls with PCOS who languish needlessly jeopardizing their health while the healthcare system unfairly remains uneducated and ill-equipped to deal with the complex treatment needs of this population.

I would really appreciate signatures. I had PCOS for many years before I was diagnosed. I figured it out because of some random article I read when I was 24. I went to the doctor but they insisted I did not have it. It was not until 6 years later that I was FINALLY correctly diagnosed. I believe so many have this and do not even know it. It can put not only your reproductive health in jeopardy but it puts you at higher risk for things such as type II diabetes, strokes, heart attacks, and cancer. So it is very important to be diagnosed even if you are not trying to get pregnant.

Symptoms of PCOS include: obesity (although not everyone with PCOS are over weight), ovarian cysts, anxiety, depression, increased hair growth on the face and other unwanted places, dandruff, oily skin, hair loss, insulin resistance, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, skin tags, pelvic pain, and sleep apnea. Doesn't that just sound lovely?

So please take a moment and go here and let Congress know we need more education. Thank you all !

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Back pain sucks

I have not had a very good couple days and I feel like I am saying that a lot lately. UGH. Yesterday I had a very BAD day at work. Some crappy things happened that I am not very happy about but this being the internet and all, unfortunately I will leave it at that...but know I want to say so much more.

Today my back is in SO MUCH PAIN. I went to the dr to get some relief and it feels like they made the problem worse. They did some adjusting and that hurt like hell. So then they gave me a shot in my lower back, and gave me an RX for Nap.roxen. They said the shot will hopefully help within 24 hrs. Man I really hope so because whatever they did my back is so much worse now. So I have been laid up...I am sensing a theme lately. Hopefully I will feel better soon cause this SUCKS!!!

In other news it has been warm here the last few days. Yesterday it was in the 60's and today I believe the 50's. I hear it is not going to last long but I will take it whenever I can get it. It is raining like crazy here but I'd rather the rain and not snow.

DH's gramma is doing well. She had surgery to clear the side with the 100% blockage and they put a stint in that side. They said they will be sending her home in 3 days so that is good news. So now they just need to decide where they are going to have her because nobody wants her to go home by herself any more since she isn't really all that able to help herself any more.

Well that is all that is going on with me. I hope all is well with you. Have a great rest of the week!

Monday, February 9, 2009

100th post - 100 things I have learned through IF

1. It doesn't take just once to get pregnant.
2. All the time and money I spent trying to prevent pregnancy was a big fat waste!
3. Sticking yourself with a needle in the stomach isn't as bad as you would think.
4. It really sucks that I know that.
5. Hoping something is wrong with you just so you have an answer to why you are not getting pregnant is really F**ked up!
6. Being disappointed after getting a report that says everything is fine after doing testing for why I may be having multiple miscarriages is even worse.
7. Spotting during pregnancy is not harmless.
8. Relaxing does NOT make a baby.
9. I CAN"T just "not think about it"...go ahead don't think of a pink elephant right NOW...can't do it.
10. Getting two lines on a pee stick does not mean you will ACTUALLY have a baby.
11. Signing up at every baby related website after getting said BFP is REALLY NOT A GOOD IDEA!
12. You will get things for a baby from those websites FOREVER no matter how much you try to cancel them.
13. Not every RE should be an RE. Some are INSENSITIVE A**holes.
14. Not everyone knows the right thing to say...sometimes they will say completely the WRONG thing.
15. Who are my real friends and will be there though thick and thin.
16. Pregnant women are EVERY WHERE!
17. Someone announcing their pregnancy is not always a happy event.
18. My husband is one of the GREATEST MEN I have ever known!
19. I have lots of blood and do not seem to run out even when they take 15-20 viles of it at a time.
20. My veins suck!!!
21. The hand is a very sensitive place to get blood drawn.
22. I can recognize by sight my ovaries, what is a cyst and what is not, and how thick my lining is without anyone telling me.
23. I could probably do a better job with the dildocam then some of the nurses or "trainees" that are trained to use them.
24. Doctors do not know or think of everything. Be your own advocate!
25. Always have questions written down because when you get into the office it is not an obvious question and you WILL forget.
26. Crying is something I do very well.
27. Sex is not always what it is cracked up to be.
28. You can find ways and places to have sex even in the most dire of circumstances such as being in agony from kidney stones if the timing says it is a must.
29. Money DOES NOT grow on trees.
30. This s**t is expensive!
31. Having a baby is not considered to be a "necessary" life event if you are trying for FMLA.
32. Insurance coverage in Michigan does not require coverage for IVF and that really sucks.
33. I now know what BFN, TTC, 2WW, IVF, OPK, PIO, and many other acronymns stand for.
34. There are a whole lot of people that are experiencing the same thing as me...TOO MANY!
35. Blogging is very therapeutic.
36. I have many friends that I have not met IRL.
37. Things stuck up you vajayjay are not necessarily for pleasure.
38. AF can not take a hint. She is there when you don't want her and no where to be found when you do.
39. Just because I am childless does not mean I have a carefree life and I vacation all over. Quite the opposite.
40. My marriage is strong.
41. The pain of losing your baby never really goes away.
42. Support is very important!
43. I will never take my child for granted.
44. Life is precious!
45. The love a good man and family can make things better.
46. Time goes by VERY FAST!
47. IVF is not just for women who "waited" too long.
48. People will forget you EDD after a mc but you never will.
49. Fake it til you make it!
50. I am a master at peeing in a cup!
51. PCOS sucks!
52. I am a pro at making little graphs
53. Those little graphs just look like a bunch of scribbles (see #51)
54. I know too much about cervical mucus
55. I do things with said cm that no one should ever have to do
56. Have a plan
57. Have a plan B
58. Have a plan C
59. Best laid plans usually turn to crap so you should probably have a plan D, E, and F.
60. Patience is not my strong suit
61. A sense of humor is a must if you are going to go through this.
62. It is ok not to go to every baby shower or kids birthday party.
63. A few shots and I can become a raving hormone filled lunatic.
64. Who am I kidding I can do the above without hormone shots.
65. Birth control pills is not just for those who do NOT want to become pregnant.
66. Metformin is not just for diabetes.
67. If you take metformin you should probably be very close to the bathroom for a good month or so.
68. I can pee alot. For example if I need to take, uh something like 10 or so at home pregnancy tests in an hour just to verify (you never no maybe I just didn't see the 2 lines).
69. Your body can play tricks on you.
70. So can your mind.
71. I can lie to myself pretty well. For example even if I just had a visit from AF I CAN convince myself I am pregnant.
72. I can also convince myself that I have any kind of disease at any time.
73. I am a professional worrier.
74. Everyone knows someone that as soon as they stopped "trying" they became pregnant or at least they have a friend of a friend whose brothers cousins 2nd wifes aunt did, so I am sure it will happen for me.
75. Idiots are every where.
76. But there are a lot more good people (like you all)!
77. "Practice" does not make perfect.
78. Normal every day things can make you think of what you are missing, such as going to the grocery store and passing the baby aisle, and it can ruin your day.
79. I'm crazy.
80. The times I have been pregnant I am always afraid to do things such as move or breath for fear I may dislodge the baby somehow.
81. A lot of good that did me.
82. My dogs and cat are like MY babies.
83. Dogs and cats really DO NOT like if you try to carry them around like a baby.
84. Friendship can come from unexpected places.
85. Sometimes I just need to scream or cry and that IS ok.
86. Maybe if I wait until there is a full moon in the west, and the stars are aligned, and my horoscope says "It's a good day", and it's a Wednesday at precisely 8:02, and on a brisk 52 degree day in May, and I've done all my "practicing", and all my "relaxing", and it's God's will, and the lottery numbers cam up with exactly my birth date, and I made a wish on a star, and threw a penny in the wishing well, and spun around 3 times while hopping on 1 foot, and chanted 10 times "today I WILL make a baby", and then did the deed, and made sure I put pillows under my butt after, then I am sure I WILL get pregnant and have a baby.
87. Hmmm maybe that whole spinning thing while hopping on 1 foot and chanting would work...note to self try this next time.
88. I may look pregnant but really I am not but thanks for asking you brightened my day...whatever...jerk!
89. People have a lot of assvice.
90. Most of the time when people tell me they are pregnant my first thought is...I really hope it lasts...
91. It really sucks that I think that way.
92. There is so much I can do with out kids.
93. That does not make me feel better.
94. The 2ww feels more like a 2 year wait.
95. As soon as you buy the hpt or take the test af usually shows her ugly face.
96. Whenever I do get pregnant and STAY pregnant I am going to be a basket case!
97. I apparently like to make lists.
98. I am a much stronger person then I ever thought I was.
99. All of you out there in blogland make each day easier because of your support and kindness!
100. INFERTILITY REALLY REALLY REALLY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Visit at the hospital, small tiff with mom, and cake...isn't that how all birthdays go?

2009 has really not been going the way I had planned and I am really trying to not let it get me down. I know we have a lot of time left in the year so I am going to try to keep taking it one step at a time and think positively but if you know me at all this is a very difficult task.

Please keep DH's grandma in your thoughts and prayers. The other day we got a call saying she had fallen. This is not an unusual occurrence. She has Parkinson's and she falls quite a bit. In fact they got her one of those things to where around your neck to push when you've "fallen and can't get up". One problem though...she refuses to push it. She is too embarrassed. It is very frustrating. So anyway she fell and after lying on the floor for 5 hours was able to call someone. My husband rushed over and got her up. Later that night they took her to the hospital. Turns out she had a heart attack. They put a stint in the right side which is 20% blocked but the left side is 100% blocked and they are not sure what they are going to do yet. So for now she is in the hospital so please send good thoughts to DH and his family.

We went to the hospital today to visit and then we went to sis's house to celebrate my b-day. If you are sensing a pattern here, you are correct we pretty much celebrate everything at my sis's house. It is just easier with the kids and all, but come to think of it we did it before she had kids. Anyway, it was nice my nephews as always were cute! Jo.ey called me this morning and sang "happy Birthday" over the phone all by himself. They were very excited about cake and my b-day. I just love them to pieces. My mom really made me mad tonight. She acted like being there was horrible. My Aunt was in town so they came over and I think she said like 5 times "we can't stay" (because they were going home to make chicken). Uh ok I get the point you don't want to be here. Normally it really wouldn't bother me all that much but it was my birthday after all and she knows I have been having a tough time with it. I chose to do something tonight because I did not really want to sit at home and mope about it. I wasn't asking her to stay for 5 hours just about 2-3. Let's visit for a while. Nope she came late and left early. Thanks mom. I did say something about it after the 5th time she said she was leaving, to which she got an attitude about but oh well. I am not going to dwell on it but I just wanted her to know it bothered me. I was nice about it but I am sure in her head I was screaming at her (because that is always how she hears things). It just felt like she could not make time for her daughter. I know not a major thing, Im an adult and I could just be a little sensitive right now but I wanted her to realize how it sounded. Ok...there off my chest now.

So starting tonight as my 35th year on this earth begins lets wipe the slate clean, start anew...great things are coming my way, I just know it...ok I think I know is isn't it? Oh please please let it be so...

Friday, February 6, 2009

WOW It's been 35 years!

Tomorrow is my birthday. I am trying to be excited but I am really not. I have tried to think of what I want to say about this whole birthday thing, but all I can think is UGH! I have typed many things here only to delete because I feel like I have done the whole "I'm turning 35 and that really sucks" thing (although it is worth saying again). Tomorrow I am not doing anything really special because a) haven't been feeling all that great b) Im broke. I am going to celebrate with the fam and that is about it. Probably use "but it's my birthday" (with pouty lip and batting eyelashes) with DH to try to get what I want but that's about it. So as it gets closer to the big 3 5 let me reflect on my previous 34 years.

Was born in Michigan which is where I have lived all my life. I have moved about 12-15 times but not to far. I was a pretty good kid. My mom always says as a baby she could take me any where and I would always smile and sleep. My parents got divorced when I was pretty young. I want to say 7 or 8 but don't quote me on that. Let's just say it was so long ago I don't really remember my parents being together except the fights. Oh and there were some doozies! Like when my dad got mad about my mom talking on the phone and ripped the phone book to shreds. I always wanted to live up to my dads expectations but realized later in life that would never happen because he is crazy (and I do mean C R A Z Y).

I grew up playing sports. I mainly bowled and played softball. I was good at both of them. I don't say this to toot my own horn but to say I HAD to be good at them or my dad would go nuts! One time when I was five he put me on a bowling league and I bowled a 1 because well...I was 5. I remember him standing on the lane screaming at me telling me how I had embarrassed him and that "no daughter of his would ever bowl a 1". That was the first of many times of him screaming at me because I was not perfect at something (hence the reason I am a perfectionist to this day). He used to come to all my games and in fact coached many of my teams. He wasn't the "official" coach but he always charmed his way in. I HATED EVERY MOMENT!!! I loved when he wasn't there because I could actually have fun. I ended up playing varsity softball in High School but quit after sophomore year after a whopper of a fight with dear ole dad. He wanted me to get a scholarship to college, so I quit to spite him and because he made it not all! It really pissed him off. hehehe.

For all the goodness I had when I was a child, I more then made up for as a teenager. I was a pretty popular girl. Had several boyfriends from a young age. My mom got called up to the school because I got caught kissing a boy behind the bleachers in 6th grade. In junior high I got caught doing everything, smoking, drinking, skipping school. I think my dad was at my house waiting for me several times after school, which was never a good sign. But I learned from those mistakes an just stopped getting caught. There was once or twice I would get caught and my mom would say "Im going to catch you every time" and I would think "I'll take 1 out of 50". But I was always paranoid about getting caught. I always got good grades. They came pretty easy to me so it helped me get away with other things.

In 9th grade I met my first real love...C! And to this day I still get a little twinge in my heart when I think about him. It's ok my hubby knows about him and in fact they became really good friends and C stood up in our wedding. Unfortunately I haven't seen him for many years :( but we do exchange Christmas cards and the occasional emails. He was there for me through some really bad times and I will always have a little bit of love for him.

On spring break my senior year my friends and I went to Myrtle beach and there I met a Marine and oh was I madly in love with him! It was weird because I met him there but we had really had only lived about 15 minutes from each other our whole lives and only a few miles for part of it. He was one crazy guy and infatuated with being a marine. When I met him I never gave him my phone or address I just figured it was a "spring break" thing but after I got home he tracked me down a few weeks later and said he was coming home on leave and he wanted to see me. He took me to meet his parents and introduced me as his future wife and the just made my hear go a flutter. I was head over heals, at the time I thought "in love", but now realize it was "in lust".

I went to college for a year to Central Michigan. That is one big party school. Recently my DH asked me what I remember about college and sadly I do not remember any classes, except the bowling class I thought I would take as a blow off class and it turned out to be one of the hardest. For our final the teach made us write a single spaced 10 page paper that was I improved, how bowling related to my major and minor (which at the time was psychology and communications) and how bowling relates to life. Uh what ?!? It sucked! Marine guy broke my heart (which in retrospect was definitely for the best) and things happened to my family that forever changed me and my family. I will not talk about it because it is not my business to tell but I can say it was this night 17 years ago that I truly felt completely care free and happy. I remember it so vividly because I was at a concert with my friends and I was sitting there thinking "man my life is good! It can not get any greater then this! I love my life!" The next day on my birthday I got the call that changed everything! Every feeling of security, every feeling of peace I ever had was gone! I did not think we would ever make it through it but we did. We came out closer, and stronger but smaller, because it was a this time that I realized how truly CRAZY my dad was and I stopped talking to him for good!

After that year in college I came home and I started a job delivering pizza's and a guy started working there on the very same day. He was a nice guy but not my type. I dated several guys during this time, all jerks BTW and then one day I heard my boss say "if you don't ask her,I'm going to". A few minutes later DH asked me out. We went on a few dates and he started talking about my b-day and I remember thinking "what is he talking about, I am not going to be with him in 6 months". Shortly after that he pretty much moved in with me. I got involved with a scam job and pretty much lost everything. I did some horrible things. I stole from my moms friend and I was in deep denial. It was like I was brain washed. I remember my mom coming to my apartment, which had an eviction notice on the door, and she said "your getting evicted." to which I said "nope". Can you say DENIAL? The day I had to be out, I came home from work and my DH (boyfriend) was moving my stuff, because he had to or it would be thrown out and I was screaming at him because I still believed I was not getting evicted. UH DUH! We moved into DH studio apartment with his brother in a BAD BAD neighborhood. My mother came to me and said "I have tried to help you but I can't any longer because you don't want it. Please stay away" world collapsed but I finally got the message. I quit that scam job and paid back all the money (thankfully I did not go to jail) and I got a new legit job. Those days were so hard because we would scrape together pennies. My first day at my new job we did not have any food except 1 egg. I was looking forward to eating that egg when I got home because I was hungry and when I got home DH had eaten it. It was horrible! I think the only thing that got us through was that DH still worked at the pizza place and brought a lot of food home.

We then moved and rented a room from a whacked out lady who burned down the house and took the money and ran. We lost everything again. 2 weeks later we moved into an apartment which 5 years down the road was damaged by fire and we lost everything AGAIN! Fire and me do not get along. Anyway during this time I did make up with mom and all and earned back the trust. I did not think so at the time but my mom telling me to stay away was the thing that saved me. It woke me up and I thank her for that because I am not sure if I would be here and I know it was hard for her to do.

After 7 years of dating DH and I finally got married and started our TTC journey. Well actually we did before we got married but I haven't really counted that. The rest I have talked about an will talk about some more but let me just say this...Out of the 35 years I have been alive the best thing I ever did was marry my hubby! I would not trade it for the world and if that meant I would never have a kid I would marry him over and over again because I do not know what I would ever do without him. He is the greatest guy I have ever met! He makes all the bad seem better. He knows me like no other person in this world and he still loves me and for that I will be forever grateful!

So folks that is it in a nutshell. My 35 years on this earth...I have learned so much. I am who I am because of all that has happened to me. It has made me a stronger person. Although I wish some things had not happened, they have all led me to where I am now. I have grown into a much better person then I think I would have been had they not happened so for that I am thankful. I only hope that in 35 years from now I can look back and say thank you because I am a much better person then I was 35 years ago and hopefully I will have kids to back up my story. :)

Thank you if you stuck through and read this whole long post.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

The fun never stops!

I feel like crap! Yesterday morning ended up going to the hospital because my back hurt so so so bad that I could barely move. They gave me a shot of the good drugs which made it feel better for a little while. They took some x-rays and said I have a lumbar strain. Probably from the fall and favoring my left side because my right knee was hurting. So I came home and went to sleep and then woke up with a 101 fever. So I have been laying in bed trying to get the fever to break. I am not sure why I got one but it makes not only my back hurt but my WHOLE body hurt. The temp is now finally starting to go down so hopefully I will feel better soon. I am just so sick of feeling like crap! Anyway, sorry if I haven't been commenting lately, I will get back to it tomorrow (hopefully). For now I am going back to bed. Hope all is well with everyone.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

My blog...My disclaimer

Something has been weighing heavily on my mind and it is something I must get off my chest. I have seen some things on other blogs and thought I would put a "disclaimer" here as well. It probably should be understood but in case it is not I just want to put it out there.

I started this blog for me. I started this blog because I felt I needed some place to dump all my feelings, good and bad. I needed some where to vent, to express, and to let go so as to not drive all my family and friends away or make my husband run screaming in the other direction. This is MY sanctuary. This is where I can go and be accepted no matter what crazy things I have going on in my head. Some times you may not understand those feelings. Sometimes you may not agree with those feelings. Sometimes you may think I have lost my mind (I wonder this myself at times). But I do not require that you agree with everything in order to read my blog. I do require you come here with an open mind and knowing that I am going through a very difficult time. I have had things happen to me that I do not wish on my worst enemy. I come here to release all of my frustrations and to let go of my anger, my fear. I come here to talk about my hopes and dreams. If I say things that hurt your feelings or upset you please know that it is never my intention to do so. I put it here so I can leave it here. I f you tell me you are having a baby I may come here and talk about how I hate it. How it makes me angry. Sometimes it may sound like it is directed at you but it is directed at how hurt I am for myself and my longing, yearning and deep desire to have a baby. I do it here so that IRL I can be a "normal" person. I can smile and say "congratulations". If you say something to me such as "maybe you just relax" or "miscarriage is God's way of taking care of a baby that would not have been healthy" or "have you thought about adoption", "I have a friend of a friend that tried xyz maybe you should too". I come here to talk about how ridiculous and hurtful those comments were. I talk about them being stupid and insensitive because IRL I know most people have no intention of hurting my feelings or being insensitive. I know you want to offer support but really do not know how. So I come here and dump.

Please know that if you see these things it is not meant to hurt it is meant to I am truly from the bottom of my heart sorry if I have ever or will ever hurt someones feelings. That is NEVER my intention. There are many follow up posts that should have been written or happy posts that should have talked about the great things you have said or did but they are not because I come here to get support and try to figure out the things that bother me. I don't say anything to you directly because most of the time I know in my heart that I am sensitive due to circumstances beyond my control. I know your (most of you)intentions are good so please know that mine are as well.

Also, know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is my blog! This is where I save thousands of dollars on therapy and I keep from going insane. These are MY OPINIONS. I welcome all readers even those with differing opinions. You may give me a way to look at things that I have not thought of yet as long as you are respectful about it. But if you do not like what you are reading there is a whole internet filled with places you can go to occupy your time or you can start your own blog.

I thank everyone that reads, understands or tries to understand, offers support and encouragement, or keeps me in their thoughts and or prayers. Every bit of it helps!

I live with a broken heart. I have found, here, a place I never really knew existed until recently. A place where there are many people just like myself who have the same fears, the same frustrations, and the same desires. I feel "normal" here. I feel accepted here. But most of all I feel HOPE here and that is what I need most of all.

Monday, February 2, 2009

YAY Steelers!

SUPER BOWL XLIII Pictures, Images and Photos

Man, I am so very very tired! Last night was a GREAT night! PITTSBURGH WON! I am a big Steelers fan! Why you might ask since I live in Detroit? Well, because I live in Detroit and the Lions SUCK, with a capital SUCK!!!So we here have adopted the Steelers as are home town team. Last night was a such a great game. It is how the Super Bowl should be. Down to the wire sitting on the edge of your seat, pure EXCITEMENT!

We went to my sis's and watched the game. Jo.ey was so cute! It was the first time he actually was having fun watching the game. He would stand on the couch and yell "go baby" when we did and it was funny. We kept telling him we like the yellow team and not the red team so every time they showed the "red guys" he would say we don't like you. But then something horrible happened! Something that should never come out of a nephew of mine's was BLASPHEMOUS!!! See he got confused because we kept telling him we didn't like the "red team" and he is 4 so by the end of the night he was saying "we don't like the Red Wings"...GASP!!! So I had to MAKE IT VERY CLEAR...we LOVE the RED WINGS...we DON'T like the RED CARDINALS! I had to make sure I drilled that into his head...RED WINGS GOOD! Red CARDINALS bad! I think he's got it now. LOL. We had good food and a good time and my team won which equals a GREAT night!

I do have to say with the exception of a few the commercials were HORRIBLE. It amazed me that someone would pay 3 million dollars for 30 seconds and then put out a STUPID commercial. I guess they don't care because they figure we are watching anyway.

Oh well, I hope you all had a fun last night. If you are a STEELERS fan then YAY for you! If you are a Cardinals fan then I am so sorry (do you catch the sarcasm ;o)