Cycle day 31, cramps for 4 days now...still no AF. I really hate her! While I am on "break" from doing all the fertility meds and stuff I still want to try on my own. But I can't when I have cycles that last forever and ever. I mean I can, I do, but it just doesn't work as well. Maybe by some miracle, if AF ever sticks to her schedule, it will happen on it's own. Not really sure why I would even think that because in almost 9 years it has only happened once but still it doesn't cost anything to just (gasp) do it the old fashioned way. As shocking as that may sound I have heard I think some stories, maybe published in the paper or media reporting it, that people do get pregnant actually "doing it" without a Dr present and weeks of pills and shots. That just sounds strange to me.
I have just been really angry and bummed out lately that I can't just be like everyone else. I can't say "hey I want to have a baby and then a 9 months later poof there he/she is". No I have to figure out ways to raise money to have a baby and I just do not even have the first clue how to do that.
I'm angry that time is just slipping by and I have no control on how my life is unfolding. I'm angry that a woman that has 6 kids that she can barely support gets to have 8 more. I'm not saying you can't have as many kids as you want but come on all I am asking for is 1 here...
I'm angry that infertility is not treated seriously by most people. They call us selfish for wanting what most people can have easily. I'm angry that once you have a miscarriage that people feel bad for you for a couple days but then disregard it like my grief is not real...I should be over it by now. Well, I'm not and I never will be! It hurts less with time but it still hurts!
I'm angry that my body does not work the way it should and I have to jump through hoops just for the HOPE that it might.
It has been almost 9 years I WANT MY MIRACLE! I WANT to hear someone call me mommy. I want to watch him/her grow up. I want to be a family! I just hate this whole thing and I am really pissed off!
18 comments:
I hear ya!!
It really sucks.
Hugs
S X
i know!!! i really wish that people would take IF more seriously! it feels more like cancer sometimes, right??
Wanted to post and send you virtual hugs... I totally hear you! It was like reading a post I just wrote... but I haven't posted it yet. I am so sorry for how you are feeling.. I am even more sorry for the fact that there are many of us out there who get it. Well said! Hugs!!
Totally hear you.
YOU ARE NOT SELFISH!
I think the baby from sex thing is just an urban legend. ;-)
((((((((((M))))))))))))))
Hang in there honey.
I wish I could give you a miracle.
Michelle....I like you took a break for almost a year....and am now getting back into it but I wanted to say was have you ever tried acupuncture for your cycle? I started over the summer on my break and am still going. Not only do I love it, it has done wonders for my body and my cycle...I still may not be pregnant but I do think it works and will be helpful when I do another IUI.
I totally agree with you. I also hate it.
Totally agree, and I'm so sorry you're having to go through these feelings.
{{{hugs}}}
The control issue is a very big one for me. There was nothing else in my life that I couldn't achieve if I worked hard enough and applied myself. IF was definitely a slap in the face.
I'm so sorry. (((hugs))) I really struggle with bitterness over not being able to conceive on my own, too. I do realize I have a little one from injects/IUI, and I'm grateful for that... but I still get angry that I can't have sex with my husband and two weeks later get a BFP. I still sometimes resent women who can. :(
It sucks and it is NOT fair at all!!
"I am close to you when you are brokenhearted and crushed in spirit. Cast all your worries upon Me, because I care for you. I, even I, am He who comforts you. I'll exchange your sorrow for comfort and joy." From Psalm 34:18,1 Peter 5:7, Isaiah 51:12, and Jeremiah 31:13
I found that in a book called Hugs for Sisters. Sending you HUGS and Love!!!
Nine years is a really long time.. a test of the grandest proportions.
I want your miracle for you too!!
First of all, thanks so much for your kind words. It means a lot to me, truly. Second, I understand your anger about not being able to control the situation. Also, about people feeling sorry for a few days. You deserve a miracle. I will add your family to my prayers for Charli.
Rant on!! I've been doing my fair share of it lately too.
I had a time where I seriously mourned the fact that I would never experience the "surprise or oops" pregnancy. Since I'm single, any time I end up pregnant it would have been because I had to really try to get pregnant. Still have a hard time with it a bit. I keep thinking that if I could at least be trying on my own while I'm waiting for a donor egg cycle but with no easy or cheap access to swimmers there is no trying on my own.
I really feel sorry about it. I pray that one day miracle will happen to you. Just keep on praying and I guess if it's for you, one day you'll achieve it.
Wow sweetie. Other than the 9 yrs (insert 3 for me) I could have written this. I feel much the same way and occasionally panicked about it. :(
hugs
(*HUGS*)
Infertility SUCKS. I'm sorry it's been 9 years hun, it's such a long time. It's not fair :(
Rant away.
I hear ya... we took 11 years to start our family. I sure hope that you don't have to wait much longer for yours.
I too am angry that IF is not treated seriously! It also angers me that no one except us seems to care that we lost a baby.
Hugs to you!
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