Monday, February 16, 2009

Just ranting away

Cycle day 31, cramps for 4 days now...still no AF. I really hate her! While I am on "break" from doing all the fertility meds and stuff I still want to try on my own. But I can't when I have cycles that last forever and ever. I mean I can, I do, but it just doesn't work as well. Maybe by some miracle, if AF ever sticks to her schedule, it will happen on it's own. Not really sure why I would even think that because in almost 9 years it has only happened once but still it doesn't cost anything to just (gasp) do it the old fashioned way. As shocking as that may sound I have heard I think some stories, maybe published in the paper or media reporting it, that people do get pregnant actually "doing it" without a Dr present and weeks of pills and shots. That just sounds strange to me.

I have just been really angry and bummed out lately that I can't just be like everyone else. I can't say "hey I want to have a baby and then a 9 months later poof there he/she is". No I have to figure out ways to raise money to have a baby and I just do not even have the first clue how to do that.

I'm angry that time is just slipping by and I have no control on how my life is unfolding. I'm angry that a woman that has 6 kids that she can barely support gets to have 8 more. I'm not saying you can't have as many kids as you want but come on all I am asking for is 1 here...

I'm angry that infertility is not treated seriously by most people. They call us selfish for wanting what most people can have easily. I'm angry that once you have a miscarriage that people feel bad for you for a couple days but then disregard it like my grief is not real...I should be over it by now. Well, I'm not and I never will be! It hurts less with time but it still hurts!

I'm angry that my body does not work the way it should and I have to jump through hoops just for the HOPE that it might.

It has been almost 9 years I WANT MY MIRACLE! I WANT to hear someone call me mommy. I want to watch him/her grow up. I want to be a family! I just hate this whole thing and I am really pissed off!

18 comments:

S said...

I hear ya!!

It really sucks.

Hugs
S X

strongblonde said...

i know!!! i really wish that people would take IF more seriously! it feels more like cancer sometimes, right??

SMK said...

Wanted to post and send you virtual hugs... I totally hear you! It was like reading a post I just wrote... but I haven't posted it yet. I am so sorry for how you are feeling.. I am even more sorry for the fact that there are many of us out there who get it. Well said! Hugs!!

Dora said...

Totally hear you.

YOU ARE NOT SELFISH!

I think the baby from sex thing is just an urban legend. ;-)

In Due Time said...

((((((((((M))))))))))))))

Hang in there honey.

I wish I could give you a miracle.

Melissa Griffin said...

Michelle....I like you took a break for almost a year....and am now getting back into it but I wanted to say was have you ever tried acupuncture for your cycle? I started over the summer on my break and am still going. Not only do I love it, it has done wonders for my body and my cycle...I still may not be pregnant but I do think it works and will be helpful when I do another IUI.

Shannon said...

I totally agree with you. I also hate it.

Elle said...

Totally agree, and I'm so sorry you're having to go through these feelings.

{{{hugs}}}

JamieD said...

The control issue is a very big one for me. There was nothing else in my life that I couldn't achieve if I worked hard enough and applied myself. IF was definitely a slap in the face.

CJ said...

I'm so sorry. (((hugs))) I really struggle with bitterness over not being able to conceive on my own, too. I do realize I have a little one from injects/IUI, and I'm grateful for that... but I still get angry that I can't have sex with my husband and two weeks later get a BFP. I still sometimes resent women who can. :(

Dana said...

It sucks and it is NOT fair at all!!

"I am close to you when you are brokenhearted and crushed in spirit. Cast all your worries upon Me, because I care for you. I, even I, am He who comforts you. I'll exchange your sorrow for comfort and joy." From Psalm 34:18,1 Peter 5:7, Isaiah 51:12, and Jeremiah 31:13

I found that in a book called Hugs for Sisters. Sending you HUGS and Love!!!

Cara said...

Nine years is a really long time.. a test of the grandest proportions.
I want your miracle for you too!!

My life, Charli Jade said...

First of all, thanks so much for your kind words. It means a lot to me, truly. Second, I understand your anger about not being able to control the situation. Also, about people feeling sorry for a few days. You deserve a miracle. I will add your family to my prayers for Charli.

battynurse said...

Rant on!! I've been doing my fair share of it lately too.
I had a time where I seriously mourned the fact that I would never experience the "surprise or oops" pregnancy. Since I'm single, any time I end up pregnant it would have been because I had to really try to get pregnant. Still have a hard time with it a bit. I keep thinking that if I could at least be trying on my own while I'm waiting for a donor egg cycle but with no easy or cheap access to swimmers there is no trying on my own.

Pregnancy-Mom said...

I really feel sorry about it. I pray that one day miracle will happen to you. Just keep on praying and I guess if it's for you, one day you'll achieve it.

Barb said...

Wow sweetie. Other than the 9 yrs (insert 3 for me) I could have written this. I feel much the same way and occasionally panicked about it. :(
hugs

Another Dreamer said...

(*HUGS*)

Infertility SUCKS. I'm sorry it's been 9 years hun, it's such a long time. It's not fair :(

Rant away.

Soralis said...

I hear ya... we took 11 years to start our family. I sure hope that you don't have to wait much longer for yours.

I too am angry that IF is not treated seriously! It also angers me that no one except us seems to care that we lost a baby.

Hugs to you!