Sunday, November 29, 2009

Thanksgiving, gross stuff, and funny things kids say

Well, I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. Mine was ok at the in laws. Not as many children there. There were 2 babies and 1 5 year old. The youngest one is a few months old. He is the quietest baby I have every seen in my life. You barely even know that he is there. The dinner, as usual, always comes out cold. I do not get it. Last year they did good and everything was nice and hot but this year they went back to cold mashed potatoes and stuffing and gravy that looks like water...YUCK! I really do not like going over there for dinner for that reason. Other then that it was nice.

My Thanksgiving morning however, was not nice at ALL! I woke up to my cat literally throwing up on my head! Yes, you read that correctly. She threw up on my HEAD!! I woke up at the last minute and tried to stop her and put my arm up to stop any more from hitting my head and then it went down my arm to which I screeched and shook my hand and then it went all over the place. It had to be the most disgusting thing I have ever had happen to me. She is a little cat but I can not even believe how much came out of her. It took all of me not to puke myself. So I ran and jumped in the shower while hubby cleaned it up from every where else. I know it is not her fault but she is lucky I did not instantly make her an outside cat. It was definitely not the way you want to wake up on Thanksgiving morning...or any morning for that matter.

So before I say good bye for today, I want to leave on a funny note and not on a disgusting note (even though you may find the above funny). So my nephew, No.ah, the other day is going around his house saying " I have boobies, I have boobies". My sis tells him to get on the phone and tell me what he is saying. He gets on the phone and tells me the same, "I have boobies Aunt Shell". I start cracking up. My sis says that the other day he was saying "I want boobies". They were laughing because they could not figure out what he was saying. So they asked Jo.ey. What he was really saying, "I want smoothies" and "I have smoothies". Meaning he had yogurt smoothies to eat. That is just too cute!

Anyway that is all I have for now.


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I will Choose to be Thankful!

I spend a lot of time complaining on this blog. What else is an infertility blog for? If I can't complain here then where can I? Right?!

For today, though, I am going to choose to be Thankful! I have had a tough year. What could go wrong, did. I am not going to complain about that right now. I am going to focus on the positive.

I am thankful that I have gone more then a year without a miscarriage. (We won't mention it is because I have not been to my RE for that whole time.) I am glad for the break. It did help me but I am now so ready to get back in...if only I could find the money.

I am thankful that I have insurance. It has been a life saver this year with all the back problems and stuff.  (We won't mention that they are canceling this insurance so I will not have fertility coverage come January). Although the medical is still expensive, I am thankful that I am able to go to the doctor when I need.

I am thankful that I no longer have to be in that hell hole I called a job. (I will forget the fact that I was back stabbed by people that I thought were my friends and I got fired at the worst possible time with the economy the way it is). I am thankful that I was able to get unemployment and my husband works hard and barely doesn't complain.

I am thankful that my animals, Sammy, Mia, and Juliet are all healthy and doing well. (Not to mention we lost my beautiful dog Katie Jo or my other bird Romeo and we miss them so so much). I love that they are always happy to see me and love me unconditionally.

I am thankful for a roof over my head, food in my mouth, and heat to keep me warm this winter. ( I won't talk about how much of a struggle it is to keep those things) We are making it work. No matter how hard things are, there are so many people that have it so much worse.

I am thankful for family, friends, and you all. You all have stuck by me in tough times and brought smiles to my face when I did not think I knew how. (No sarcasm here). Thank you all so much!

So tomorrow is a day of thanks. It is a day that family and friends gather together and eat lots of yummy food. I will gather with my in laws and remember, even though there will be a million babies, and everyone will focus there attention to them or the fact that my MIL is fighting with her brother. All kidding and sarcasm aside I will tryto remember how blessed I am. For one day I will focus on all that is good. Tomorrow I will CHOOSE to be happy and thankful for all that I have instead of the things I don't...

I hope...

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Why I am open about my infertility journey

The short answer...because that is who I am. I am pretty much an open book. You can tell how I feel just by looking on my face. I wear my emotions like a giant mood ring. So if I am excited about a possible pregnancy or treatment or I am devastated by a recent loss...there is no hiding it and there is only so many excuses I can come up with that people are actually going to believe or that would not cause worse problems down the road.

The longer never know when you might meet someone that has all the answers you have been seeking or may give you a different way to look at things that you had not thought of before. A couple examples I have...

After my first miscarriage, I was out of work for a few weeks. I had told EVERYONE that I was pregnant. After 4 years of trying to get pregnant I finally had made it out of the hell hole I call IF. I thought I could put all that behind me like it was a bad nightmare. I remember walking with my mother into a store and we were talking about someone else who was going through the same thing. I was thinking "Phew that is not me anymore." (Little did I know the horror had just begun). Anyway, needless to say I was EXCITED! So of course then everyone had to find out that I lost the baby. This has never been a problem for me. I could no more keep my excitement about a pregnancy or devastation about a loss a secret then I could not breathe. Like I said, it is who I am and though sometimes, after going through this 4 times, I wish I had not spread the news, in the long run the support I receive is worth it.

So after my 1st miscarriage I went back to work and it was my first day. I was going up in the elevator and in walked someone that I could not stand! We never saw eye to eye and it seemed every time we spoke it ended in someone rolling there eyes, being sarcastic and walking away. So lets just say she was the LAST person I wanted to see!!! Here I am trying to psych myself into facing my friends and now I have to deal with someone I do not like on top of it. (Funny as it may seem I never thought about dealing with those people). I had my head down because I was trying to will the tears back in, telling myself I could make it through the day and I felt a hand come on my shoulder and I looked up and there she was with tears in her eyes, honest, sincere tears streaming down her face. She reached out and gave me one of the biggest hugs and said, " Hun, I am just so sorry you lost your baby. He or she knows how much you love them and I am sorry that not everyone will always get a chance to see that. My heart is broken for you and if you need anything please let me know."  It was one of the kindest words I have ever heard spoken to me following a miscarriage and it came from someone I was sure would care less. From that day on we were friends.

Another example...after my last miscarriage I decided to go get some highlights and low lights in my hair. I had never colored my hair or anything but I wanted a change. I wanted something that would make me feel good and take my mind off of things. So I went to the salon and I was there for 6 hrs. There was only 1 person there trying to do everyone that came in and it took FOREVER! Anyway, at one point an older lady was sitting next to me and we started talking. Some how I found myself spilling the story of the last 8 yrs of my life and why I was there getting my hair done.To which she told me of her story and the 3 losses she had and how she ended up adopting after 15 yrs  of trying, because they did not have the advances they had today. She was inspiring to me. She, a complete stranger, was kind, made me laugh, and also made me feel lucky that today I have many more options available to me. She made me realize that as insensitive and stupid sometimes people are that I was happy that I was in the year 2008, and that even though there is much more education on the subject that needs to be done, things are a lot better now.

I have many examples I could give of the unlikely places I have found support. The times I have been reassured that I am at the right RE because of all the people I have found that have used him and now have kids. Although, most of the time it feels lonely in this journey I have found by sharing my story there are many people that have been on this journey with me or before me. They have made it and so can I. I also have met people that may not have been on this journey but seem to know exactly the right thing to say which sometimes can make up for the ones that don't. So for me, even though there are downfalls to sharing some of these intimate details of my life, the rewards far out weight the risks. Plus, me being who I am could not hide it even if I wanted to, so it just makes it easier.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Show and Tell (kids pictured)

Here are a couple pictures from when I was babysitting on Saturday. They both thought it was so much fun to pretend like they were driving. Apparently, Michigan law has changed because jo.ey told me that he is getting his license next year when he "changes his number" to five. I told him that would be so nice because he can drive over to my house whenever he wants and he said "yep". I just need to make sure I am not on the road at the same time. If it is anything like when he rides his bike and stares at his feet we all might be in trouble. LOL.

Noah driving 11/14/2009

Joey driving 11/14/2009

To see what everyone else is showing at the front of the class go to Mel's place.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Busy weekend

Well, I FINALLY got some sleep. Thank God! Friday I think my body had finally had it and I think I slept most all day and all night. Now I finally feel better. Hopefully I can continue on a good sleep schedule.

Yesterday was moving day for my sis. Since I can't be much help with moving because of my back, DH helped with the moving and I took the kids for the day. We had a lot of fun together. I took them to my house for a little bit and we took Sammy for a walk. He was a pain in the butt on the walk. He did not want to cooperate which is so not like him. The kids were really good with him though. They took turns walking him and they loved it. I then took them to McD.onalds play land and we had lunch and they played for a while. I took them to show them the places I used to live and then I took them to the pet store. When they left they wanted one of each thing in the pet store. I have some cute pictures that i am too lazy right now to post so I will do that later. Last night No.ah came down with the flu. So pray he gets better soon. The poor guy is so sick. Also, pray I do not get it. I have not had a flu shot and I was hugging and kissing him all day yesterday. Please tell me I am not doomed...

This morning I went to meet Mel. She was in my neighborhood doing a talk about her book. I have been so excited all week and I am so glad that I got to go. My sis went with me and it was so great! She made me laugh, brought tears to my eyes, and I found myself nodding through the whole thing. thinking there was so many people I knew that should be there. Maybe they could get a little better understanding. Maybe they could see I am not crazy. Anyway, I also got to meet  Baby Shmaybe. She was so sweet! I love meeting bloggers. It is nice to put a face with all the blogs and the stories. It is great to feel a connection with someone you only know from online. Mel's book (what I have read so far)  is so so good so if you have not gotten one yet you should do so soon! Also, if she is ever in your neck of the woods go to meet her. She is just as great in person as you read online. I am so thankful to her and all she has done for this community I just can not thank her enough! I have pictures of this too that I will post but they are my sister's camera so I will have to wait until she sends them to me. As soon as I get them I will post.

Anyway, I hope you all are having a great weekend.

BTW I want to say a big thanks to my sis for buying poor jobless me Mel's book. Thank you so much!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I Need Some Sleep!

I can not sleep and it is driving me crazy! I have always suffered from insomnia. I take a sleep medication for it but even that is not helping. It is seriously ridiculous! 2 nights ago I did not go to sleep until 10:30 AM...yes you read that right! I even tripled up on my sleep medication and NOTHING!! It was like I never even took it. I forced myself to get up at 1:00 when DH got home. I was exhausted all day but I figured that was good. I did not want to throw everything off and sleep all day. But as usual 10:00 PM rolled around and I was WIDE AWAKE! I did not fall asleep until 7:30 AM last night...or I should say this morning. I am really hoping tonight I go to bed early. There is not much to do at night! It sucks!

Usually, I always have the TV on in the background. It is something I have done for as long as I can remember. I always fall asleep to Nick at Nite or something like that. Why? because they are shows that I have seen a million times so they won't keep my attention. I barely have the sound on but I just like it on in the background. For some reason it helps.

 Well the other night, when I was up the entire night, I was watching because there is not much on except lame infomercials. I was watching "Ros.eanne". I have seen the shows a trillion times! However, there was one show that the end made me laugh and sad at the same time. At the end she came on because she had not been on the show and she stated it was because she was pregnant and on bed rest. She then goes on to a commentary. She says something to the effect of...(not exact)I would like to explain to all the little boys and girls that may be watching, where babies come from...Then she says...when a man and a woman want to have a baby they find another man or woman and we then they go down to the clinic and the man and the woman go into separate rooms. 15 or so doctors take the samples and manipulate them until they are certain that conception has occurred. She says, I am sure you can not imagine your own parents doing this but it is the most intimate and special thing that can happen between, a man, a woman, and their fertility specialist. I wish I could remember everything that was said or find a clip but I could not. I have seen this many times and never really noticed. I thought that was sad. I did not notice because to me that is my story. It was funny because not many people would do that and put it out there like that.

I started thinking about when I watched that when I was a teenager. I wondered if I ever even noticed it then? Did I think it was funny because yah right like that really happens! or that will never happen to me! Did I think she was joking? I remember being really young and hearing about "test tube babies". Of course it wasn't reality to me. I was a kid fantasizing about being a supreme court judge, running around with my friends, eating candy, mad about having a bed time, worried about if so and so was mad at me. You know the usual REAL IMPORTANT things in life. LOL It was futuristic stuff. It was not ever something that would happen to me.

Now I long for my "test tube baby". I look forward to the intimate rendevezvous with me, DH and my fertility specialist. The future is here and is now my reality and I really wish I could sleep!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I'm a slacker!

Wow I have been a slacker. It has been a week since my last post. Sorry about that. It is not because I have been very busy. I just have not felt very inspired lately. The last 4 days I haven't even wanted to really be on the computer.

The last few days here in Michigan have been absolutely gorgeous!!! I love it! I wish it would stay this way. Sadly, I know it will end. Yesterday, I watched my nephews. My sis is moving next weekend so they were trying to get some packing done so we took Jo.ey and No.ah at our house. They absolutely love Sammy! Especially No.ah who was scared of dogs not too long ago. Now, whenever I talk to him on the phone his first question is ALWAYS "how is Sammy?". So we took Sammy for a walk and the boys took turns with the leash. Sammy is the perfect dog for kids because he is so mellow. He does not drag you when you are walking. In fact he will stop if he feels he is too far ahead of us. Then we took them to Henry Ford Museum. my MIL works there so she has a free pass that we used to get in. They had a lego interactive display. They had a lego castle and places to build things and slides and places to dress up. The only thing was when Jo.ey figured out there were trains in there he really could care less about the legos. So we took them to see the trains. They had lots of fun but it was a whole lot of walking. All in all it was a good day!

Today has been a lazy day. DH and I went for a walk to enjoy the nice weather but other then that I have been cleaning and that is about it. Not much you can do when you are absolutely BROKE!! Anyway, I will be better this week. I hope you all had a great weekend.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Halloween night

We had a fun time with the nephews on Halloween. Jo.ey went as a storm Trooper and No.ah went as a pirate. they were so so cute! DH and I decided to join in the fun and dressed up. DH went as Jason (from Friday the 13th) and I went as his victim. I cut up a t-shirt, used fake blood, messed my hair and had makeup running down my face. The kids loved it. They were just enthralled with Jason. Jo.ey told Jason that he had to apologize to me and clean my shirt. LOL. Jo.ey and Noah kept saying they would save me. It was cute.

I made mummy dogs and they were very good. It was just hot dogs wrapped in a croissant so it wold look like a mummy. They were a hit. We all went trick or treating and then No.ah was excited and was running and he fell and smacked his head on the cement...HARD! We all heard it and he immediately had a HUGE bump on his head. At first it did not seem so bad but then No.ah started looking like he was drunk or something. he was then afraid to walk so daddy had to carry him. So my sis and I walked ahead and called urgent care to see if they were open. They were so we took No.ah. He was crying and we were telling him the dr would make it all better. Once we got in the car he seemed fine. He was so cute at the doctor. The doc looked at hime for a second and then just told my sis to keep him awake until 11:00 (every kids dream) and other symptoms to look out for. When we walked out of the office No.ah says, "did the doctor make me feel better." We said "yes" and he was good with that.

All in all it was a good and fun night. I hope you all had a nice Halloween and a good weekend!