Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Weekend wonders...

I had a very nice weekend. It was my mom and sister's birthday so on Sunday we all got together and celebrated. My mom started a diet and she did not have any cake for her own birthday! I was so impressed. My mother has always been the person who will start something and 1 day later be done with it (short attention span), but this she has been doing for about a month and I am very proud of her. Maybe I got through to her (if I know my mother I am sure it wasn't me), she doesn't take care of herself and she has not been feeling good so I am glad she is doing this. Now I wonder if I could only get her to stop smoking...I guess one thing at a time.

Anyway, on Saturday DH and I babysat for my nephews J (3yrs) and N (18mos). OMG they are the cutest! When we got there L said Good Luck they are horrible today! and basically ran out of the house as if it was on fire. As I stood at the door trying to keep N from crying for mommy I was thinking Im in for a long night. Crying lasted about 2.3 seconds and then everything was fine. It turned out great! I don't know what I was thinking they are always so good for us. N finally said my name and we taught him to say Go Blue (he loves football) and it was the sweetest thing. They just melt my heart! They ate good and went to bed right on time no problems. I often think about what my babies would have been like at that age because they would have been the same exact age as my nephews. Sometimes I wonder about it when I am watching them play. When I watch J with his active wild imagination or N with his tough no fear attitude, I wonder would they have all been close like siblings? I am sure they would have been, I have always been close with my cousins. It would have been nice. I often wonder if by the time I have kids (if I ever succeed) are they going to be all alone. Are they going to have anyone to play with? All my friends will have grown up children, same with L. I know of all the things to worry about right?...but really it just makes me sad.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Show and Tell

Show and Tell
My show and tell for this week is one of my favorite things. Dolphins! PhotobucketI love them. I have dolphin pictures and statues all over my house. This picture is from my honeymoon. We went to Sea World and I pretty much spent the whole day feeding and petting the dolphins. I didn't need to see anything else. Then we went back the next day. They are so beautiful and smart! I really wanted to go somewhere to swim with them but it was expensive so we didn't do it. I will someday!

This picture  is from last December Photobucket when my whole family went to visit my grandmother in Ft Myers Fl. We took my nephew out on a boat to go dolphin watching. They were every where. We have pictures of them jumping and swimming right up to the boat. It took all of my to not jump in with them. This picture is the easiest to see. When the boat took off we would have 3-4 dolphins following and jumping in the wake. It was so AWESOME. Did I mention I LOVE dolphins?If you would like to play along with show and tell or just see what others are showing this week head on over to Mel's place at Stirrup Queens and join the fun.

Monday, September 22, 2008

What did you just say?

This weekend I was spending time with my mom and my sister. We had a good time laughing and talking.

Anyway, we started talking about funny things you said such as, I forever thought the words "wind chill" used in the winter to describe how fricken cold it gets here, was actually "wind shield" until my husband noticed and started laughing at me and told me what it really was. Seriously, that is what it sounds like...I'm sure others have made the same mistake...right? anyone? Ok maybe I'm alone in that...but my sister had one much better. We were driving and it was so funny that I almost had to pull over in a parking lot because I was laughing so hard I thought we would get in an accident.

Now, she is going to kill me for telling everyone, but it is so funny. She says that her husband and her are driving in the car with the radio on, and the song "Natural Woman" by Aretha Franklin came on and she started singing until her husband turns down the radio and says "what did you just say?". L said "I instantly knew I sang the wrong words"...and oh yes she did. I said what were they, and I did not expect these words at all. She says "well I know now that it says 'you make me feel like a natural woman'". I said "yes but what did you think it said?" L: "Promise you won't tell anyone?" Me & mom: "Sure, just tell us"...L: "I thought it said ' you make me feel like a man but your a woman'" Me:"Whaaaaaat? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAH...
that does not make any sense!" L: "I know but I thought that is what it said". So now my mom and I have been telling everyone...when she made us promise she didn't tell us how funny it was. It's a good thing she doesn't know about this blog. I'm sure you all won't tell.

But, so I do not just tell others embarrassing stories I will tell one of mine...

My DH loves all kinds of music, from country to hard rock, from classical to rap, he listens to everything. He also goes to a million concerts. Him and his friend go all the time, well not recently but they go a lot! Anyway, one day a couple years ago I am going through our finances and I notice there is $100 missing so I go to DH and ask where the money went and he says
"I bought corn tickets."
Me: "Corn tickets?"
DH: "Yes, I told you I was getting them"
Me: " Uh, no you didn't."
DH: getting upset " I told you last week"
Me: "Nooo, I would remember corn tickets!"
DH: " I told you I was going with S! I hate it when you don't listen to me!"
now we are starting to yell at each other...
Me: " I don't even like corn! "
DH: "But I do and I wanted the tickets! You don't have to like everything I like!"
here is the kicker...
Me: "Is there some kind of shortage on corn, where we need to get tickets to purchase it and stand in some line...like they are rationing corn?"
DH: "What???????" laughing hysterically now "KoRn, is a band you dork!" "How old are you anyway?"
Me: "Ohhhh...that makes so much more sense!"

So what is yours? What phrase, song, or embarrassing mistake did you make? Come on, share with the group...we won't be laughing at you, we will be laughing with you...and I promise we won't tell anyone.... We could all use a good laugh! :)

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Unexpected friendship

Today I met someone. Someone much like myself. Someone going through the same struggles I go through everyday. Someone who I now call my friend.

I didn't think it would really happen. I was very skeptical. My sister (L) has an assistant at work who is lucky to be bestowed with the wonderful "gift" (note the sarcasm) we call infertility. So L has been telling me about her for a while now, saying we should get together because she is feeling alone and maybe if we talked we could find a kinship with each other.  I thought yea maybe. But about 2 weeks ago L emailed me and asked if she could give her assistant my email address so I figured sure what could it hurt? Within a few minutes the girl emailed me asking if I would like to get together. I thought "whoa, that was quick". Not even "Hi", "how are you doing" but just"let's get together".  It felt weird. I am not sure why and this may sound strange but it felt like I was being set up on a "blind date", and I have never been one for blind dates. But, I agreed and then the following 2 weeks was followed by going back and forth in email about when, where, blah blah, blah. 

To tell you the truth I was not looking forward to this. I felt I was kind of doing my sister a favor. I was worried about this person working for L. If I told her things would she tell L? I'm sure she felt the same. I mean L and I are close but there are still things I don't tell her,  there are things I don't share because she doesn't get "it, she couldn't possibly get "it".   I didn't want this to be a lunch filled with crying, emotions, telling inner most secrets to someone I just met.  What else could we have to talk about? I heard things that had made me feel like we were in 2 different places in our journey and I didn't want to be pulled into uncomfortable places. I mean I feel like I am sad, angry, heartbroken, and sometime hopeless but I don't like to wallow in it. I don't like to hide and not talk to any of my close friends or family just because they have babies. Don't get me wrong I am not running to baby showers and birthday parties but I am not hiding either. Like I said before Infertility is part of who I am but it is not all of who I am, and I had the impression that for her it was. Which I am not saying is wrong at all! I understand it, but I am trying hard not to get sucked in by the grief. Some days it works...other days not so much.

Instead what I got was a lesson in not assuming.  I met a person in real life who is like me. Who has the same worries, the same heartbreak, and the same desire to have a child. It was nice to talk to someone, face to face, who knows what you mean when you refer to the 2ww, Gonal F, and the pain of miscarriage. A person that can groan at the stupidity of the health care system that will pay for birth control and consider "headaches" as a FMLA reason for being off work but not "infertility", because you know, "having children is not a necessary 'life' activity". A person who I know now, doesn't just needs to cry on my shoulder but needs someone that will not be talking about how I was up all night because my baby wouldn't sleep, instead I will be talking about how I was up all night because I was nervous about my next cycle. I won't be talking about my child's first steps, I will be talking about the first steps in the IVF process or the adoption process. And I just have to say it was great. I was afraid that the beginning and end of the things we have in common would be infertility and I want a friendship that is more then that. It turns out we have a lot of things in common. In a lunch we developed a friendship, held together with a common bond. And it is so nice to know I have someone close by that would be here in a second to comfort just because she know what it feels like and I would do the same for her.  So I have to say thank you to L because I found someone to talk to, who knows me without really knowing me just yet. I found a friend I never expected.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Frustrated in Michigan

I'm getting sick of diagnosing myself. It seems doctors don't really have a clue. Have you ever watched Medical Mysteries on Discovery Health.  People have serious health issues and they search and search for many years (sometimes 20 years or longer), until 1 doctor says oh yes I know what it is and you are lucky you got here when you did. WTF? We are suppose to trust our doctors...isn't that what they get the big bucks for? Yet time and again I am the one that has to say what about this? what about that?

4 years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS. I knew I had it for many years prior to that. I mean I am the poster child for this wonderful health, infertility, related problem. Symptoms: 

missed periods----check

infertility --- double check

oily skin --- check

dandruff --- check

weight gain (hard to lose) ---double check

insulin resistance - -- check

high cholesterol --- check

anxiety --- check

depression --- check

skin tags --- check (although I do not know what these look like but my dr says I have them)

thinning hair --- check

hair in unwanted places --- check

sleep apnea--- Ahhh the one thing I don't have

(for more PCOS info go to soulcysters.com they have alot of good info.)

Sounds like a barrel of laughs doesn't it? So, with all this it still took 3 doctors and 4 years to be diagnosed. I mean really? Come on? Maybe I should get a medical degree. 

Now, after my 4th lost baby I was reading that many women with PCOS need to have progesterone to support their pregnancy in the beginning. I knew previously about progesterone but did not realize it was something I should look into further...I mean surely my doctor would have mentioned something...I have had a history of not being able to carry a baby past 8 weeks.  So, in my latest appointment with my RE I mention this and he says 'We can try it" I don't think it's a problem for you though. He said we can make adjustments and try doing just the injectibles with progesterone again before going to IVF. Are we just throwing shit against the wall and hoping something sticks? Doesn't seem to scientific.  It seems to me we should have tried this from the get go. What I read said that by the time you find out progesterone is the problem its too late for the pregnancy to do anything about it. It makes me angry. I don't know if this is the problem but hopefully this will work and I won't have to go to IVF.  

Don't get me wrong I do really like my RE. He is the 3rd one I have been to and he is a very kind and compassionate doctor. When I have had my losses I really do feel he is grieving with me. He has been very positive about my ability to be able to have a baby (which is something I need because I am definitely not positive about it) and I don't want to change RE's at this point. Am I being stupid? I have a lot invested here but sometimes it just seems like they are just guessing. Maybe that's what they are doing I mean I have had some things happen such as the cervical ectopic pregnancy, happen that are rare but sometimes it just gets frustrating.  

I am hopeful that maybe this whole progesterone thing has been the problem all along, but then if it is I feel like I may have had all these unnecessary miscarriages and gone through an unnecessary hell...and that is just plain sad and unfair!!!

Anyway, I am not going to try the injectibles for a couple months because I still need to take a couple months off since the last miscarriage but maybe just maybe I won't have to worry about IVF. IVF scares me not only because of the cost but because it feels like the end of the road. If that doesn't work what am I left with? I have had enough trouble accepting not getting pregnant, I just can't imagine investing $10-15,000 and it not working. 

This whole thing just frustrates the hell out of me!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Oh, look dandelions....

What a wonderful husband I have... I think I may take for granted how truly lucky I am sometimes. It is not in the major things but it's the kind gestures and his patience and kindness. I need to remember how great he is to me.

Today we did our normal routine of him coming home on lunch and driving me to work. When I got to work I found out I had a meeting at my normal lunch time and I called him to ask what we could work out since I needed to leave for lunch. He said he would come over at 12:00 and then I could drive him back to work and then when he got off he would walk across the street and get the car. Now this isn't a normal street, it is actually a 6 lane highway but anyway. So I drove him back and realized I did not have my keys so he said just use his and put the keys in the glove box because he would be off in less than an hour and he will get the car then. Ok..."Don't forget...leave the door unlocked" he said.

Well, as you probably guessed I forgot. I put the keys in the glovebox and then my mind wandered...you know kind of like the cheese commercial for happy California Cows. The cow says "Im going to win this race...I'm going to do it...I can do it...oh look dandelions" and then the race is over. I said to myself "Don't lock the keys in the car...don't lock the keys in the car...Oh I wonder what this stupid meeting is going to be about at 1:00..." then I hit the car lock and shut door. About 10 minutes later I thinkto myself..."I don't remember if I locked the door or not."

I called DH and warned him that I might, maybe just maybe, forgot to keep the doors open. He said I hope not but we will see when I get there. I said I would go down to check but he said don't worry about it. Needless to say when he got there the doors were locked. He called his mom and she was getting off work at 2:00 so he walked 4 miles so she could give him a ride home so he could get the other set of keys.

When I called him when my meeting was over I was apologizing like crazy...I felt so bad he had to go through all this because I was an airhead. But you know what...he was not even what bit upset or annoyed with me. He didn't berate me or make me feel guilty.  He said 'don't worry it's probably God's way of telling me I need excercise". How great is that? I would like to think I would have reacted the same, been nice and understanding, patient and kind, but if I really want to be honest...I would have probably tried to make him feel guilty all night. I mean I wouldn't have yelled and screamed, after all it was an accident,  but I wouldn't have been so patient. How bad am I? This is something I need to work on, Patience. Although it seems whenever I pray for God to give me patience I seem to get it, but not the way I want to learn it. I get it by the most annoying person, place, or thing crossing my path. It's a "be careful what you wish for" type of thing. 

But the next time when he does something that irritates me I need to remember this. I need to remember his patience...remember this moment...remember husband was very understanding...remember....remember...oh look dandelions....

Monday, September 15, 2008

One of Those Days

My rant for today...

I have these days...these days where I am angry, I am hurt, I am hopeless. These are my selfish days, days where I can not offer much to anyone but myself. Today happens to be one of those days. It always seems to also be one of those days where everyone comes to me for consolation and advice. They come to me because they are angry or hurt or hopeless and I have nothing to give them. To me, and I know this may sound heartless, the petty troubles that they come to me with are of such insignificance. Don't they realize that I have 4 babies in heaven! I want to scream "I have nothing to give you, right now!" Your troubles at your job don't concern me.  I don't care that your child is not listening to you today. Don't you understand that I would do anything to have children not listening to me at this moment! I don't care that your cat scratched your leather couch, that your husband didn't remember to take the car in to get an oil change, that your mother won't get off your back. All these things will pass and I will still have 4 babies in heaven and be childless. There are so many other important things in life. I want to say "Get over yourself". But I can't because I can't get over myself. I know everyone's problems are the most important thing to them because it is happening to them but please right now don't come to me. 

Unless you are wondering how your next RE appointment is going to go or if the next pregnancy test is going to be positive and if it is positive will it be another miscarriage.   Unless you are wondering what it is you are meant to do in this life because it seems you may not be meant to mother a child. Unless you wonder why can't I have children when so an so on the news has 4 children and kills them all. Unless you are wondering any of those things. I can't help you! Not right now. I feel bad because I feel so selfish but I can't help it...I am definitely having one of those days and I wish I could just go into my bed and stay there because I am afraid I am going to just explode.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Show and Tell

Here is my Show and Tell for this week...

These are my babies or at least 2 of them.

My dogs. #1 is Sammy He is 6 and a beagle mix with I think a dalmation butI do not know for sure. We rescued him from the Humane Society. When we went to find a dog we went directly to this cage that had this dog cowered in the back. My husband instantly said I want him. The lady at the Humane Society said "you don't want him". (Nice, aren't you suppose to try to help find a home for the dog?). She said "he is very timid. He was abused when they brought him in and he will not be good with kids" . They did not know his name so they named him Wimpy (again great way to try to help the dog). We took him for a walk and just knew he was the dog for us. I said right away he looked like a Sammy and so we took him home that day. We have had him for 4 years and he is a GREAT dog! He is spoiled rotten. When we first got him he was afraid of everything! If kids came arond he would duck under cars or beds. He never begged and he stayed in the corner and shook. Well, we broke him of all those things, including the begging. Now he barks at us if we don't give him some of our food. He is a great dog with kids because he is so mellow. My friends kids come over and take him for a walk and he never takes off he just stays by their side. The only thing is he hates Thunderstorms...in fact he is crying right now and trying to jump in my lap because we had 1 rumble of thunder like 10 minutes ago. He doesn't like fireworks or if we clap our hands, so needless to say he doesn't like it when we are watching sports. He hides in the bedroom. He is so much better now and he definitely gets a lot of love!

#2 is Katie Jo. She is a full bred Schnauzer. She is like 12 or 13. We got her from a friend of our family who just passed away this last March due to lung cancer. She is old but I think bringing to our house has breathed new life into her. She was very depressed when we got her which is understandable she had been in a sad environment for a year and she just lost her mom. But she is happy now! She runs and plays with Sammy and she does not take any crap from anyone. She is definitely our watch dog. If someone comes to our house that she doesn't know she will go after them. Once you get in the house and she sees we are ok with you, then she is ok. She has OCD for sure! When she eats she has to touch her nose to floor several times before eating (kind of like Robert in Everybody loves Raymond). If you interrupt her she has to go through the whole process again. It is pretty funny. 

I love my animals! I don't know what I would do without them. Some how even when I am having a bad day they can bring a smile to my face and they have a calming affect. They love me no matter what and they never have anything mean to say. Just lots of kisses and love. What more could a person want?

Friday, September 12, 2008

Who am I...

Infertility is part of who I am but it is not all of who I am. It has changed my life in many ways but it does not define me, or at least I am trying to not let it define me, so I wanted to let you know other things about me...in case you were wondering...

My name is Michelle and my DH and I have been married for 8 years but we have been together for 15. I am 34 and he is 41. We met when we both started a job on the same day. He asked me out about 2 months later and I went but wasn't all that excited about it. I remember a few dates later he started talking about what we would do for my birthday and I thought, "I don't know what he is talking about. I am not going to be with him in 6 months" and here we are 15 years later going strong.

My DH is the greatest husband and he perfectly balances me out. Where I am outspoken and high strung he is quiet and laid back. Where I am worried and anxious, he has faith that things will work out just the way they are suppose to, and where I am organized and like to be on time, he, not so much. He spoils me. He is my rock, my strength, and my salvation! I love him more than words can express and I know he loves me the same. Now this is not to say he does not have hes faults but we do not need to get into that now. I am sure they will come out in do time :).

I live in Michigan (the Metro Detroit area). I have lived here all my life. I hate the weather here! It is too cold in the winter and then in the summer with the humidity it is sometimes unbearable. We usually skip fall and spring here. I have one younger sister who has 2 children. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs but in the last 3 or 4 years we have become very close! My mom, she is crazy and can drive me to want to drink sometimes but I love her very much and we are close as well. I haven't spoken to the man who donated his sperm in order for me to be born, (I will not refer to him as a father because he never was and never will be) in about 14 years. To say the guy is an ASS would be the under statement of all under understatements. Sometimes it makes me sad that I do not have a dad and that my future children will not have a grandpa but if he is my only choice then we are all better off.

I have 2 dogs, Sammy (6), who was a dog we got from the Humane Society. He is a Beagle mix. They are not sure with what but I think it may be a dalmation because he is black and white and kind of looks like one but the size of a beagle. The 2nd dog is Katie Jo (12 or 13), she is a pure bred Schnauzer. We just got her... a close friend of our family just died in March from lung cancer so we took in her dog. We also have a cat named Mia (6) and 2 birds, Romeo and Juliet, that my niece gave us because she was moving and could not take them with her. I did not want these birds but I could not say "no" to my niece.

I am a manager at a call center. For the most part I like my job (shhh don't tell my boss I am working on this while I am at work). It's hard to be the boss sometimes. My boss is a nut case, I think (I am sure you will hear about her at some point). She tells me to do something, I do it and then when somebody complains to her she says "I don't know why she did that". It makes for a hard environment to work in sometimes. But on the other hand she has been so understanding with all I am going through and never gives me a hard time about taking time off for my infertility adventures or when I have had a miscarriage. In fact a lot of the time she tells me to leave and take more time off then I am asking for so I guess you have to take the good with the bad.

I am super organized! I mean if you asked me for a check I wrote or a bill from 3 years ago it or directions for the toaster (yes I keep the directions for everything) I will be able to find them in about 2 minutes or less and if I can't then within the next few days everything will be reorganized so the next time I will. I can't stand not finding things.

I am an over the top, obsessive worrier! I think I can probably thank infertility for most of this...but I can take the smallest thing and snow ball it into the end of the world tomorrow. It drive my DH crazy and for that matter it drives me crazy. I often feel like I have to think of every possible scenario and how I would handle it or what I will do, and that is an impossible and exhausting task!

I have abandonment issues because I hate to be alone and I have a fear of everyone leaving me.  Like I do not fear death for myself, I fear something horrible will happen to others around me (especially my husband).  It's crazy I know but especially with the friend of our family dying at the age of 50 from lung cancer, it has freaked me out. One day she was fine, no symptoms, and the next day she finds out she has stage 4 lung cancer and gone a year later. I do not understand how that can happen. It makes me want to run to the hospital for every little ache and pain. 

I have PCOS, insomnia, depression, and horrible arthritis in my back. Bascially I feel like I am a mess. If I feel like this at 34 I am afraid of what I will be like at 50, 60, or 70. I have 4 angels babies in heaven (read my earlier blogs regarding these stories) with the most recent being this past 07/03/08. My heart is once again broken and I am trying hard to mend it. That is why I started this blog and also to connect with people who were like me and know how I feel. I am currently on break from TTC, partly because I have to so I can preserve my sanity. I can not take another dissappointment at this moment and partly because I need to save money for IVF (not sure where I will get this from).

I am one that definitely wears her heart on her sleeve. If you ask me for my opinion I will give it to you. I am of the belief that if you don't want to know, don't ask and if you don't like me that's fine too, I have plenty of friends.

I like true genuine people. People who can be themselves, and not always have to put up a front. Those that realize the world does not owe anyone anything... We make our choices. I get along with all types of people but the ones I enjoy the most are the people who do not take themselves or life too seriously, but also know that life is not something to be taken for granted. They understand they are responsible for their own actions and how they affect the people and the world around them. I like people who have fun and can enjoy life. People who can laugh at themselves, life, and even me if they want. I like people who can find the humor in all situations, people who make me smile. I hope I can do the same for them.

I am self - described "reality" TV junkie, ( except dating shows and talent shows). My favorite non-reality shows are Lost and Heroes.  I love, love, love dolphins. Ribs are my favorite and my favorite restaurants are Tony Roma's and The Melting Pot.  Chocolate covered strawberries are my favorite dessert along with the best ice cream pie in the world (someday I will give you all the recipe). I love College football (especially U of M and hockey (Red Wings hockey to be exact). I also love to read, and my dream has always been to write childrens books.  Lillies are my favorite flower and I love to go to the lake with my friends but unfortunately we don't get to do this too much. I am not to much of the outdoorsy type because as you have read previously I hate bugs and I hate to be hot! I would much rather spend my time with my friends and family just hanging out then going to clubs or crazy parties. To me the most important thing above anything else is family and my friends. I love them and even though they can drive me crazy sometimes I don't know what I would do without them. They all have at one point or another saved me from insanity, and I have done the same for them. What more can you ask for?

So that's it...me in a nutshell...or me the Nut!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Godzilla Spider!

I am exhausted today and I will tell you why, but first let me say it may turn out to be a "you had to be there" or at least " I wish you were there" because it was funny, kind of thing. Anyway, also, let me preface by saying I HATE ALL BUGS!!!! Most anything creepy crawly I hate!!!

Ok, so yesterday morning I woke up to get ready for work. My husband and I only have one car so it is kind of a well coordinated ballet dance we have to perform everyday to get us both to work and home on time. He works 4:00am - 1:00pm and I work 8:30 am - 5:00pm. He gets up , goes to work and then takes his lunch to come pick me up at 7:30. At 1:00 I take my lunch and take him home and then go back to work. So needless to say it is a lot of driving but the fortunate thing is we work right across the street from each other and we only live like 5-6 miles from work.

So, I was getting ready for work and I walked into my kitchen to give my dogs some water only to find the biggest ugliest spider I have ever seen. I mean I wish I would have taken a picture but I was too paralized to think. It was like somebody was doing nuclear testing nearby and the spider got in the mix. It was HUGE!!!! and it was UGLY!!! I backed up, went into the other room and finished getting ready. My husband called to tell me he was on his way home and I said "when you get here you need to kill this spider!". He was like "Come on, get a shoe and kill it!" I said, "You do not understand, if I go near it with a shoe it will probably tear the shoe out of my hand and throw it across the room." He laughed and said I was just exaggerating. I sat down waiting for him to get home and keeping an eye on the spider at the same time.

Enter, Mia, my cat. She LOVES bugs or anything creepy crawly, just like most cats. Not that she likes to kill them, she just like to play with them until she gets bored. She runs over to the spider and it takes off towards me across the floor. I scream, jump up on the couch...and now I have lost the spider. I do not know where it went. I was very distraught about the whole thing because I had visions of this spider lying in wait for me all day. I know it is ridiculous but like I said I hate them...I have a border line irrational (maybe not so borderline) fear of them. But I like snakes, go figure that one.

So now the funny part. I go about my evening...no sign of the spider. So my anxiety lessened and I went to bed...LATE (about 1:30) because I had to catch up on all my reality shows ( I am a reality show addict). At about 4:30 in the morning, I roll over and out of the corner of my eye I see something huge and black on my pillow...now remember, I am not fully awake and I have a crazy fear. So huge and black on my pillow... Now I wish I would have been video taping because I would have won a lot of money for this...I jumped out of bed, faster then I have ever moved in my life. I threw my pillows and blanket across the room, screaming I ran into the living room doing the heebie jeebie dance because I thought the thing was on me. I started thinking "why hasn't DH reacted and coming to my resue?" and then I realized he was at work. So now I have to go back in the bedroom in the dark, by myself, and because I threw everything across the room...I again have no idea where the Godzilla of spiders is at. I tip toe in the room, like I am going to sneak up on it or something, and turn on the light. I climb on the bed and lean over to thoroughly shake out my blanket and to look on the floor, in the bed, under the bed, and on the walls for this spider. When I lift up the pillows, there it is... a huge....black....

candy wrapper!!!! I mean I am glad it was just a candy wrapper but come on. In my defense at 4:30 in the morning , in the dark, there was no telling what it could be and I had visions of a ravenous spider coming after me. I have laughed about this all day because I can only imagine what I looked like this morning going crazy over a candy wrapper! So like I said it might be a "you had to be there" kind of thing but I thought I would share my funny morning.

By the way...I still do not have any idea where the spider is...

Monday, September 8, 2008

Angels in Heaven

It's getting close. Close to the EDD for my first angel. My angel would have been born on 09/11/05.  So now I have more then one reason to mourn on that day. It's funny (not really) how time passes but the pain is still so raw. Maybe it's because I keep having miscarriages that the pain remains. I don't know, I just know it's there, always in the back of my mind. I'm sad and I'm angry. I hate dwelling on what could of been...He/she would be turning 3. My nephew just turned 3 and I see what he is doing and how, oh so cute he is and I wonder what my little one would be doing now...

It seems so unfair! My sister and I were pregnant at the same time. It was suppose to be fun! Our kids would grow up together and be close, but then I wasn't. She now has 2 kids. She got pregnant with her second right after my 3rd loss and again we would of had children the same age growing up together. I was pregnant, she was pregnant, then again I wasn't. It's just not right. I keep thinking there should be some kind of limit, I mean I know that sounds stupid but how many times can I mend a broken heart? How many times can I have hope only to have it taken away? 

People keep telling me what a strong person I am. How they are amazed considering all I have been through that I can still have a smile on my face. What they don't know is ... I want to be strong...I'm trying to be strong...but I don't feel strong. I want to not let this beat me but the more I fight the harder it gets. It's like everytime I find a way over the wall, someone builds the wall taller.  But for now I am going to keep climbing! I will find a way to the other side! 

What I really wanted to say was my darling angels, please know that even though you were with me for only a short time, I loved you more then anything and I wish you could be here with me. Your place is in my heart forever but your home is in heaven. I will see you someday, you will always be my babies!

I want to add:
Since, I am new to this whole blog thing I have been reading a lot of other blogs of women, strong women, who are going through this just like me. It's nice to find I am not alone, you are all amazing people and I have found hope and encouragement from each one of you! Keep blogging and I hope to talk to you all soon. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger!!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Show and Tell

So, I am new to this "Show and Tell" but this is a great idea. Anyway, here is mine...
I moved into a new house about 5 years and half ago. I bought this house from a friend. It was great how it worked out. Someone had told me earlier that year to write down what I wanted and then leave the list alone and then it should come to me. I am not a big subscriber to those kinds of things but I thought "what the hell, I'll give it a try". So along with the usual wish of "having a baby within the next year" I put "A new house". At the time I was living in an apartment and I hated it!! We had neighbors that just blared music all day and all night. Anyway, I did not think there would be any chance of getting a house because I had no money and nothing saved. I had been out of work for 3 months so it did not look to promising. So, about 6 months later a friend called me and said "Do you want to buy my house? We will pay the down payment and closing costs if you buy it." To which I said "SOLD!". Who would of thought. (I would have much rather had the baby wish come true but I guess thats how it goes).It was great, her husband was in construction so everything had just been redone. The down fall was the house was in a flood zone. We had to buy flood insurance. Let me tell you flood insurance is not cheap! It is like triple the cost of my regular house insurance, but beggars can't be choosers. She said it never floods here anyway so don't worry. I was in the house for apporoximately 6 months and this is what we woke up to one morning...

Luckily, it only came up to our porch and we don't have a basement (good thing). So we were safe, we just couldn't get in our out of our house for a few days without trecking through the nasty water! I thought..."Yeah sure...never floods!"

Friday, September 5, 2008

Am I crazy???

So, my younger sister and I were talking a couple months ago. She had taken a class through her church on running support groups. She goes to a big church and they have lots of support groups. I asked her if they had one for miscarriage and infertility. She said they didn't but she would talk to her pastor about starting one. I thought that would be nice and maybe I would consider going to her church and join the group. She has been bugging me for a while to go to her church but it is so far away for me.

Anyway, she tells me the other day that they are starting a group for miscarriage, infertility, and adoption and that she is going to run it. I was floored because she does not have any experience with any of those things. I would think running a support group would require you had some experience with one of those things.  She has 2 kids, my nephews Joey (3) and Noah (17 months), that are my hearts, but she did not have a problem. I mean it did take her several months to get pregnant but I hardly think that counts. She said the pastor did not have a problem with it since she has talked to me a lot she thinks it will be fine. Talking to me does not mean you know what it feels like. I think of all the insensitive things she has said to me, not on prurpose, but because she did not realize the hurt it causes. How is she suppose to support others when it is hard to support me? I never say anything about the things she says because I know she means well but what she does not understand is that one comment can throw me into a tailspin for days. 

I go to a support group through RESOLVE and the person that leads it went through infertility for many years and ended up with 2 children. I think that is a good type of person to run the group. Someone who has come out the other end in the light from this dark road that we travel. She has been able to offer great advice.  How is my sister going to be able to do this?

She asked me if I was going to go and I said NO! She did not understand why? I said well a. you are my sister and b. you have no experience.  I am trying hard to get over it but I am bitter about it. IT almost feels like she is intruding on my space. Is that crazy? Like I can't have this to myself...instead now anytime I say anything she is going to act like the authority on this...and I repeat she has NO CLUE!!!!!! 

Am I being to sensitive? Let me know what you think.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

It's a good day for Detroit

Off topic...but it must be said.

No, actually it is a GREAT day for Detroit! We finally got rid of our embarrassment of a mayor! I have been so sick of hearing about him and looking at his cocky face! At least now when I look at it maybe it will be behind bars where he belongs. He cost this city so much! Like we already don't have enough problems!

Anyway, he finally realized he could not win and in a plea deal stepped down from office. Well good riddance I say. It was horrible that he was in office in the first place. I am sick of politicians thinking that because of who they are and the money they have they can get away with anything. Well, you can't. And Kwame it isn't because of the affair that everyone HATES you. It is because you cost this city MILLIONS of dollars covering up your messes! I could care less if you slept with thousands of women! What I do care about is the money you spent doing it. The fights you caused, the strife you caused in the city. You did not do a damn thing for this city but cause harm. Anything that did happen good (that you took credit for) was put in place way before you got there!

So, today is GREAT day because finally maybe we can start putting the pieces of a shattered city back together. Maybe we can start doing some business around here instead of spending all of OUR money on your legal defense. Suck it up and take it like a man. Do not blame race because that has nothing to do with it! The only time race was made a factor was when you made it so! You insulted people for sticking with the white man, yet you lawyers were white! Your the one with the problem! Not the rest of the people. Enjoy what pathetic life you have left. Goodbye, Good Riddance...Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out! Oh, and by the way take Ella Bulley Cummings with you she was a waste of police chief if I ever met one!


Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Beautiful poem

I just thought I would share I beautiful poem I read after my first miscarriage. I can't get through it without crying but the thought makes me happy. Hope you like it.

I thought of you, closed my eyes, and prayed to God today I asked, "What makes a mother" and I know I heard him say. "A mother has a baby this we know is true." But God can you be a mother if your baby's not with you?" "Yes you can," he replied with confidence in his voice. "I give many women babies, but when they leave is not their choice. Som I send for a lifetime, and others for a day. Some I send to feel your womb, but there is no need to stay." " I just dont understand God, I want my baby to be here." He took a deep breath, cleared his throat, then I saw the tear. "I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child's smile with all the other children and hear him say..."We go to earth to learn our lessons of love, life, and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom wha has so much love for me, I learned my lessons quickly and my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her everyday. When she goes to sleep her pillow is where I lay. I stroke her hair, kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear. Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweetones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in my home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me until your lessons through and on the day you come home, they'll be at the gate for you. So now you see what makes a mother, it's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize, you are a mother until their time is done, they'll be up here with me one day and know you are the best one!"

Monday, September 1, 2008

Prayers for those affected by Hurricane Gustav

It is a beautiful day here in Michigan and it is hard to believe that others are not experiencing the same. We could definitely use some water (but not that much). It has been so dry here that we have not had to mow our lawn in over a month. Everything is brown except of course for the weeds. Also, I have these flowers, I am not sure what they are, that my mother in law bought me that for some reason do not like water. Everytime I water them they die, so I have left them alone and they are beautiful. I hate yard work so anything that does not require the work I am all for! Anyway, I just spent the day with my 2 nephews, Joey and Noah, who are 3 and 17 months. They are so cute!! It has been a nice relaxing day.

I don't have much to say today but I just wanted to say that my thoughts and prayers are with everyone that has been or is being affected by hurricane Gustav! It is not something that the people in that region need and I hope everyone is ok. I have been watching the coverage all day and it just brings back a lot of memories of hurricane Katrina. Let's hope and pray we do not have a repeat performance.