Monday, September 15, 2008

One of Those Days

My rant for today...

I have these days...these days where I am angry, I am hurt, I am hopeless. These are my selfish days, days where I can not offer much to anyone but myself. Today happens to be one of those days. It always seems to also be one of those days where everyone comes to me for consolation and advice. They come to me because they are angry or hurt or hopeless and I have nothing to give them. To me, and I know this may sound heartless, the petty troubles that they come to me with are of such insignificance. Don't they realize that I have 4 babies in heaven! I want to scream "I have nothing to give you, right now!" Your troubles at your job don't concern me.  I don't care that your child is not listening to you today. Don't you understand that I would do anything to have children not listening to me at this moment! I don't care that your cat scratched your leather couch, that your husband didn't remember to take the car in to get an oil change, that your mother won't get off your back. All these things will pass and I will still have 4 babies in heaven and be childless. There are so many other important things in life. I want to say "Get over yourself". But I can't because I can't get over myself. I know everyone's problems are the most important thing to them because it is happening to them but please right now don't come to me. 

Unless you are wondering how your next RE appointment is going to go or if the next pregnancy test is going to be positive and if it is positive will it be another miscarriage.   Unless you are wondering what it is you are meant to do in this life because it seems you may not be meant to mother a child. Unless you wonder why can't I have children when so an so on the news has 4 children and kills them all. Unless you are wondering any of those things. I can't help you! Not right now. I feel bad because I feel so selfish but I can't help it...I am definitely having one of those days and I wish I could just go into my bed and stay there because I am afraid I am going to just explode.

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