Saturday, September 20, 2008

Unexpected friendship

Today I met someone. Someone much like myself. Someone going through the same struggles I go through everyday. Someone who I now call my friend.

I didn't think it would really happen. I was very skeptical. My sister (L) has an assistant at work who is lucky to be bestowed with the wonderful "gift" (note the sarcasm) we call infertility. So L has been telling me about her for a while now, saying we should get together because she is feeling alone and maybe if we talked we could find a kinship with each other.  I thought yea maybe. But about 2 weeks ago L emailed me and asked if she could give her assistant my email address so I figured sure what could it hurt? Within a few minutes the girl emailed me asking if I would like to get together. I thought "whoa, that was quick". Not even "Hi", "how are you doing" but just"let's get together".  It felt weird. I am not sure why and this may sound strange but it felt like I was being set up on a "blind date", and I have never been one for blind dates. But, I agreed and then the following 2 weeks was followed by going back and forth in email about when, where, blah blah, blah. 

To tell you the truth I was not looking forward to this. I felt I was kind of doing my sister a favor. I was worried about this person working for L. If I told her things would she tell L? I'm sure she felt the same. I mean L and I are close but there are still things I don't tell her,  there are things I don't share because she doesn't get "it, she couldn't possibly get "it".   I didn't want this to be a lunch filled with crying, emotions, telling inner most secrets to someone I just met.  What else could we have to talk about? I heard things that had made me feel like we were in 2 different places in our journey and I didn't want to be pulled into uncomfortable places. I mean I feel like I am sad, angry, heartbroken, and sometime hopeless but I don't like to wallow in it. I don't like to hide and not talk to any of my close friends or family just because they have babies. Don't get me wrong I am not running to baby showers and birthday parties but I am not hiding either. Like I said before Infertility is part of who I am but it is not all of who I am, and I had the impression that for her it was. Which I am not saying is wrong at all! I understand it, but I am trying hard not to get sucked in by the grief. Some days it works...other days not so much.

Instead what I got was a lesson in not assuming.  I met a person in real life who is like me. Who has the same worries, the same heartbreak, and the same desire to have a child. It was nice to talk to someone, face to face, who knows what you mean when you refer to the 2ww, Gonal F, and the pain of miscarriage. A person that can groan at the stupidity of the health care system that will pay for birth control and consider "headaches" as a FMLA reason for being off work but not "infertility", because you know, "having children is not a necessary 'life' activity". A person who I know now, doesn't just needs to cry on my shoulder but needs someone that will not be talking about how I was up all night because my baby wouldn't sleep, instead I will be talking about how I was up all night because I was nervous about my next cycle. I won't be talking about my child's first steps, I will be talking about the first steps in the IVF process or the adoption process. And I just have to say it was great. I was afraid that the beginning and end of the things we have in common would be infertility and I want a friendship that is more then that. It turns out we have a lot of things in common. In a lunch we developed a friendship, held together with a common bond. And it is so nice to know I have someone close by that would be here in a second to comfort just because she know what it feels like and I would do the same for her.  So I have to say thank you to L because I found someone to talk to, who knows me without really knowing me just yet. I found a friend I never expected.

12 comments:

Lori said...

To really connect feels so good. How great that your sister put you two in touch, and I'm glad that it seems your commonalities go deeper than just IF.

Kristin said...

I'm so glad you found someone to talk to in real life.

Also, thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting.

Finally, shoot me an email if you want some ideas about the progesterone issue. I was diagnosed with luteal phase disorder and had to take progesterone.

Michelle said...

That would be great I have questions so I will email you soon. Thanks

Another Dreamer said...

I'm glad you've found someone in real life you can relate to. I haven't met anyone in real life who is going through some of the stuff I am. I often wish I could.

Cara said...

Connections are priceless and often cause us to experience those "I wouldn't have seen it that way if not for this conversation" experience. (In other words - you know what they say about assuming, right?)

Congrats for being open to it, for going, and for seeing the value of your new friendship!

Martha said...

I'm so glad you found a friend, that's such a gift for you both. Thank you also for your comment on my blog, I appreciate it.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm so very glad that you found a kindred spirit in someone you didn't know. I find that when I find a friend in the most unexpected places, it means that much more to me.

Echloe said...

How great that you have a IF friend IRL. I really wish that I had someone to relate all this stuff to. I just have bloggers.

Thanks for the comment you left on my blog. It was really helpful to have some insight into my issues.

ICLW

momofonefornow said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog.


I was checking out your profile and we have a few things in common. I like several of your movie favorites and, I too love Billy Joel. My favorite song is Vienna. Love it!

Danifred said...

So happy you found someone you can connect with. Regardless of our struggles, it's always nice to have someone around who can relate!
ICLW

CappyPrincess said...

It's always great to find a new friend, especially one who REALLY understands the desires of your heart and the struggles to fulfill your dreams.

ICLW

annacyclopedia said...

What a beautiful post - I just came from the Friday Roundup. I'm just trying to get a support group together in my city, and I'm working with trying to hold my expectations or assumptions pretty lightly, cause I'm really not sure who's going to show up and whether we'll click. Thanks for a reminder that it's worth it to stay open and to just give things a try - there are so many rewards in that.