Who am I...

Infertility is part of who I am but it is not all of who I am. It has changed my life in many ways but it does not define me, or at least I am trying to not let it define me, so I wanted to let you know other things about me...in case you were wondering...

My name is Michelle and my DH and I have been married for 8 years but we have been together for 15. I am 34 and he is 41. We met when we both started a job on the same day. He asked me out about 2 months later and I went but wasn't all that excited about it. I remember a few dates later he started talking about what we would do for my birthday and I thought, "I don't know what he is talking about. I am not going to be with him in 6 months" and here we are 15 years later going strong.

My DH is the greatest husband and he perfectly balances me out. Where I am outspoken and high strung he is quiet and laid back. Where I am worried and anxious, he has faith that things will work out just the way they are suppose to, and where I am organized and like to be on time, he, not so much. He spoils me. He is my rock, my strength, and my salvation! I love him more than words can express and I know he loves me the same. Now this is not to say he does not have hes faults but we do not need to get into that now. I am sure they will come out in do time :).

I live in Michigan (the Metro Detroit area). I have lived here all my life. I hate the weather here! It is too cold in the winter and then in the summer with the humidity it is sometimes unbearable. We usually skip fall and spring here. I have one younger sister who has 2 children. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs but in the last 3 or 4 years we have become very close! My mom, she is crazy and can drive me to want to drink sometimes but I love her very much and we are close as well. I haven't spoken to the man who donated his sperm in order for me to be born, (I will not refer to him as a father because he never was and never will be) in about 14 years. To say the guy is an ASS would be the under statement of all under understatements. Sometimes it makes me sad that I do not have a dad and that my future children will not have a grandpa but if he is my only choice then we are all better off.

I have 2 dogs, Sammy (6), who was a dog we got from the Humane Society. He is a Beagle mix. They are not sure with what but I think it may be a dalmation because he is black and white and kind of looks like one but the size of a beagle. The 2nd dog is Katie Jo (12 or 13), she is a pure bred Schnauzer. We just got her... a close friend of our family just died in March from lung cancer so we took in her dog. We also have a cat named Mia (6) and 2 birds, Romeo and Juliet, that my niece gave us because she was moving and could not take them with her. I did not want these birds but I could not say "no" to my niece.

I am a manager at a call center. For the most part I like my job (shhh don't tell my boss I am working on this while I am at work). It's hard to be the boss sometimes. My boss is a nut case, I think (I am sure you will hear about her at some point). She tells me to do something, I do it and then when somebody complains to her she says "I don't know why she did that". It makes for a hard environment to work in sometimes. But on the other hand she has been so understanding with all I am going through and never gives me a hard time about taking time off for my infertility adventures or when I have had a miscarriage. In fact a lot of the time she tells me to leave and take more time off then I am asking for so I guess you have to take the good with the bad.

I am super organized! I mean if you asked me for a check I wrote or a bill from 3 years ago it or directions for the toaster (yes I keep the directions for everything) I will be able to find them in about 2 minutes or less and if I can't then within the next few days everything will be reorganized so the next time I will. I can't stand not finding things.

I am an over the top, obsessive worrier! I think I can probably thank infertility for most of this...but I can take the smallest thing and snow ball it into the end of the world tomorrow. It drive my DH crazy and for that matter it drives me crazy. I often feel like I have to think of every possible scenario and how I would handle it or what I will do, and that is an impossible and exhausting task!

I have abandonment issues because I hate to be alone and I have a fear of everyone leaving me.  Like I do not fear death for myself, I fear something horrible will happen to others around me (especially my husband).  It's crazy I know but especially with the friend of our family dying at the age of 50 from lung cancer, it has freaked me out. One day she was fine, no symptoms, and the next day she finds out she has stage 4 lung cancer and gone a year later. I do not understand how that can happen. It makes me want to run to the hospital for every little ache and pain. 

I have PCOS, insomnia, depression, and horrible arthritis in my back. Bascially I feel like I am a mess. If I feel like this at 34 I am afraid of what I will be like at 50, 60, or 70. I have 4 angels babies in heaven (read my earlier blogs regarding these stories) with the most recent being this past 07/03/08. My heart is once again broken and I am trying hard to mend it. That is why I started this blog and also to connect with people who were like me and know how I feel. I am currently on break from TTC, partly because I have to so I can preserve my sanity. I can not take another dissappointment at this moment and partly because I need to save money for IVF (not sure where I will get this from).

I am one that definitely wears her heart on her sleeve. If you ask me for my opinion I will give it to you. I am of the belief that if you don't want to know, don't ask and if you don't like me that's fine too, I have plenty of friends.

I like true genuine people. People who can be themselves, and not always have to put up a front. Those that realize the world does not owe anyone anything... We make our choices. I get along with all types of people but the ones I enjoy the most are the people who do not take themselves or life too seriously, but also know that life is not something to be taken for granted. They understand they are responsible for their own actions and how they affect the people and the world around them. I like people who have fun and can enjoy life. People who can laugh at themselves, life, and even me if they want. I like people who can find the humor in all situations, people who make me smile. I hope I can do the same for them.

I am self - described "reality" TV junkie, ( except dating shows and talent shows). My favorite non-reality shows are Lost and Heroes.  I love, love, love dolphins. Ribs are my favorite and my favorite restaurants are Tony Roma's and The Melting Pot.  Chocolate covered strawberries are my favorite dessert along with the best ice cream pie in the world (someday I will give you all the recipe). I love College football (especially U of M and hockey (Red Wings hockey to be exact). I also love to read, and my dream has always been to write childrens books.  Lillies are my favorite flower and I love to go to the lake with my friends but unfortunately we don't get to do this too much. I am not to much of the outdoorsy type because as you have read previously I hate bugs and I hate to be hot! I would much rather spend my time with my friends and family just hanging out then going to clubs or crazy parties. To me the most important thing above anything else is family and my friends. I love them and even though they can drive me crazy sometimes I don't know what I would do without them. They all have at one point or another saved me from insanity, and I have done the same for them. What more can you ask for?

So that's it...me in a nutshell...or me the Nut!