What is it like?

I look at you and I wonder...What would it be like to be you? How does it ACTUALLY feel to be a different person then who I am right now. I am sitting at my computer and typing away. What are you doing?

We are driving down the same road and my thoughts seem to jump from "wow what a beautiful day" to "I wish I had a child to take to the park to enjoy this day". As you drive, do you wish you could get a moment to yourself? To sit at a park bench and feel the sun on your face. No children screaming mommy.

I come home to an excited dog happy to see me and a hug from my husband but the quiet is what screams in my face. No children begging for my attention, running to my arms. You arrive home to a sibling argument needing a referee and everyone wanting to know what is for dinner. I have no idea what that feels like but I want to...

I sit on my couch and tell my husband about my day. We make dinner and wonder if we are going to have too much since it is only the 2 of us. Are you wondering if you will have enough? After dinner we watch our favorite programs. We do not have to wait for the kids to go to bed because right now all that the TV plays is cartoons. You probably know every word to the "Lion King" and I could not even tell you the plot of the movie.

I go to bed. No bed time stories, no sweet tender kisses. Just the snoring from my hubby and the TV I keep on in the background to keep me company. I sleep through the night and wake when I feel like it. I am sure you are begging for a full nights sleep or a couple extra hours.

The next day for me is more of the same. Is yours different from day to day? I would imagine with children it is... I don't know what it is like to be you but you have an idea what it is like to be me. Does that make it harder? easier? I look at you and think "oh what I would not give to have that. Does she appreciate it like I would?" Do you look at me and think the same?

 I know I am BLESSED. I know the "grass is always greener", "be careful what you wish for", and "be happy with what you have". I understand that...I do. I am grateful for many things...I truly am...

but...

I want to know what it is like to be someone else. I want to be a MOM. I want it so bad my heart aches like no ache I can ever describe. I want to know what it is like to not have this emptiness in my heart. I want to know what it is like to feel...COMPLETE...??!!!

xxoo

The One Where I Feel Sorry For Myself

Ok so my birthday is coming up on Sunday and I absolutely HATE it! I mean presents are nice, my favorite ice cream pie is FANTASTIC, My BIL making me dinner TERRIFIC, turning 36 BITES THE BIG ONE!!!!

I thought turning 35 was bad but 36 really tops it. Now I am OVER 35! I feel I am further away from my goal of having a baby then ever before. I have nothing to show for the last year of my life except heart break and CRAP!! I do not even know where to go or what to do any more. I am frustrated and just really sad. No job, No baby, No money, NO LIFE!!!!

I get to share my birthday with the Super Bowl. I am choosing to believe that everyone is getting together all around the world to celebrate me. I think it sounds so much better then celebrating some football game. ;) So we are getting together at my sisters house. It should be a good time. I told my hubby, the biggest sports fan I know, that it is a bummer that my birthday falls on super Bowl Sunday because it is my day and I get to choose what we watch and since I could care less about either team in the big game I am choosing a nice romantic comedy! LOL I will let you know when the divorce proceedings start...I do not think it would fly very well. Thats OK I can have fun with my nephews. They can always cheer me up! They get so excited about parties. I asked Jo.ey what he was going to get me and he said a Choo Choo train...hmmm not something I remember asking for...I think he is projecting what he wants...hoping I will leave it over there. LOL.

I remember when birthdays were something I looked forward to. Something I waited anxiously for. Now I could do without it. I keep calculating how old I will be when my kids are 18,21, etc if I were to have a kid now and I just feel ancient. I know people have kids all the time when they are older but I just think how young my mom was. She is 57 now. If I were to have a kid this year...when my kid turns 36 I will be 72. WTF!? That is just mind blowing to me. This is so not what I had hoped and dreamed for my life. I was suppose to have 4 children, be a stay at home mom and be loving life. UGH!!!

A couple weeks ago we went to my MIL to celebrate DH and my niece's b-day. I was having a conversation with my SIL and MIL. Talking about ...what else kids. I was saying it felt like I would never have them. And you will never guess what my 23 year old SIL said. I mean it is such a rare thing for a fertile to say. She said "I can have my kids packed and ready to go for you." Yes, that makes me feel better. However, my MIL said, "well pack 'em up she will take what you don't appreciate." I think my eyes bugged out of my head and my SIL shut up. Go MIL!!

Anyway, I will stop boring you with my whining and maybe now that I have gotten this off my chest I can feel better about turning 36...NAH I don't think that will happen but at least maybe I can get all this out of my mind. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

xxooxxoo

ATTN: MICHIGAN RESIDENTS IMPORTANT ACTION NEEDED

For all those that do not know. I received an email from RESOLVE regarding 6 bills that are being voted on tomorrow. These bills are going to make things VERY difficult for people seeking IVF in Michigan. Here is the email I received. Please, if you live in MIchigan, take the few minutes to follow the links and email the senators in Michigan to vote AGAINST these bills.

*******************************************************************************


Dear Michigan Residents,
RESOLVE needs your urgent and immediate action on a series of bills introduced in the Michigan State Senate that will threaten access to IVF treatments, invade the privacy of patients pursuing IVF, and take away free choice over the disposition of patients’ own surplus embryos.
The Senate Health Committee is getting ready to vote on Wednesday, January 20, 2010 on Senate Bill Nos. 647, 648, 649, 650, 651, and 652.
RESOLVE is asking Michigan residents who care about open access to the best care possible to let the Committee members know TODAY that you oppose the bills!
What you can do TODAY to make your voice heard:
1. Click here to immediately send a letter to key State Senators.  Please consider personalizing your letter by sharing some of your story.

2. Call your Senator and tell him or her to please vote against these bills. To find your Senator and their contact information, click here.  Simply tell them you are a constituent and oppose the above listed bills.
3. Come to the Senate hearing at the Senate Hearing Room in Lansing:
    Wednesday, January 20, 2010
    Time:    3: 00 p.m.
    Place:    Senate Hearing R oom
    Ground Floor, Boji Tower
    124 W. Allegan Street  
     Lansing , MI 48933
4. Forward this email to everyone you know who is a Michigan resident and ask them to call their Senator or send the letter to the key Senators.  Even if they have not been diagnosed with infertility, their voices can still be heard!
5. Post this message in your Facebook status: "Please help me fight the MI State Senate!  There are six bills up for vote WEDNESDAY that will make it hard for MI residents with infertility to access IVF.  Visit www.resolve.org/ta_stleg_MI for details. "
6. Become a "Fan of RESOLVE" on Facebook for instant updates to this legislation. Click here.
At the hearing, the Committee may hear testimony both for and against the bills.  The hearing is open to the public and RESOLVE encourages you to come to Lansing and attend.
For more detailed analysis of the bills, click here.
To read the bills, click here. 
These bills have nothing to do with protection of infertility patients. They have nothing to do with making care better, safer or more accessible. They are about one thing: making access to IVF more difficult and preventing a fertility patient from making decisions regarding their own treatment for a disease.
No other disease is subjected to this level of governmental scrutiny.  These provisions would go far beyond what is currently mandated by federal law.
Please say NO!  It is important that your Senators hear from you!  Click here to send your letter to key Senators including the Committee right now!
Thank you for taking action today!
Barbara Collura
Executive Director

Ditto!!!

Almost exactly a year ago I wrote this post. I think this year I can pretty much just say "ditto" and be done with it. Still no baby bump and in fact I have had one of the crappiest years I can remember in a long time.

Christmas time is here again and I do not have any great announcement to make. No relief to be felt that this will be our last childless Christmas. I feel this year I am further away then ever. How can I have gone through this for 9, almost 10 years, and feel further from my goal today then I did last year. It is frustrating to say the least. To watch, what seems like everyone, move on...have their dreams come true...yet here I can sit and read a post from a year ago and still be in the same place or further back. ( I know not everyone. I know there are many of you just like me. I am so sorry for that.)

Maybe I should try reverse psychology on 2010. Maybe I should wish for the worst year ever and then maybe the opposite will happen. At least if I wish for the worst year ever, anything that happens remotely good will be a step up, and I won't be disappointed.


xxoo

The new Fertility test?

Not much going on with me this week. It has been uneventful and overall boring. My big problem this week is I think I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from my cat throwing up on my head. In the morning she likes to drive me crazy. She always comes and stands over my head and meows and meows until I wake up. She basically wants me to get up so she can lay in my spot. Anyway, she has done this for as long as I can remember but now every time I wake up and see her standing at my head I jump. I have nightmares that I hear her doing it again and I startle myself awake. I keep trying to tell myself that we have had her for 8 yrs and she never did it before. That it was a 1 time accident but it has been very traumatizing. Oh well, hopefully I get over it soon. It is not a good way to wake up.

Tomorrow, I am going over to my mother's and we are having our annual slumber party and watching Whi.te Chr.istmas. This is our favorite movie so we do this every year. It should be fun. The bad part comes the next day when I told her I would help her out with a craft show she is doing. I hate doing these things but when she asked me and I felt like I could hardly say no since I am not working. They are the most boring things. It would be different if I had something that I could sell to make money but sadly I don't. I also wish I had money so that I could buy things while I was there but, again, sadly I do not. Hopefully the day will go by fast.

So that is going to be my weekend. Anyway, has anyone seen the new Fir.st Resp.onse test that will tell you if you are able to get pregnant? Has anyone used it? I was curious because now that I am getting, eh hem, older I am worried about my ovarian reserve. Basically the test only tests your FSH level. This will tell you if it is elevated which means you may have a low ovarian reserve. That is the ONLY thing it will tell you. So just because it says everything is ok in that aspect it does not mean that there are not a million other things that could prevent you from getting pregnant. I think that is the problem with this test. If you watch the commercials and you are not educated in the whole infertility business such as we infertiles are, it may give you a false sense that everything is ok when really you should see a specialist.

Anyway, I just wanted to try it because I wanted to see what it said about my FSH levels since I have not been to my RE in forever and it is not looking good for the near future. I am also afraid to use it because I am afraid it will say the levels are elevated and then I will have more crap to worry about. I guess it would be good to know now rather then later but it still makes me nervous. The last time I talked to my RE he said my FSH levels were absolutely fine but now it is 15 mos. later. So has anyone used this? heard about it? I am just curious...

Hope you all have a great weekend!

xxoo

Why I am open about my infertility journey

The short answer...because that is who I am. I am pretty much an open book. You can tell how I feel just by looking on my face. I wear my emotions like a giant mood ring. So if I am excited about a possible pregnancy or treatment or I am devastated by a recent loss...there is no hiding it and there is only so many excuses I can come up with that people are actually going to believe or that would not cause worse problems down the road.

The longer answer...you never know when you might meet someone that has all the answers you have been seeking or may give you a different way to look at things that you had not thought of before. A couple examples I have...

After my first miscarriage, I was out of work for a few weeks. I had told EVERYONE that I was pregnant. After 4 years of trying to get pregnant I finally had made it out of the hell hole I call IF. I thought I could put all that behind me like it was a bad nightmare. I remember walking with my mother into a store and we were talking about someone else who was going through the same thing. I was thinking "Phew that is not me anymore." (Little did I know the horror had just begun). Anyway, needless to say I was EXCITED! So of course then everyone had to find out that I lost the baby. This has never been a problem for me. I could no more keep my excitement about a pregnancy or devastation about a loss a secret then I could not breathe. Like I said, it is who I am and though sometimes, after going through this 4 times, I wish I had not spread the news, in the long run the support I receive is worth it.

So after my 1st miscarriage I went back to work and it was my first day. I was going up in the elevator and in walked someone that I could not stand! We never saw eye to eye and it seemed every time we spoke it ended in someone rolling there eyes, being sarcastic and walking away. So lets just say she was the LAST person I wanted to see!!! Here I am trying to psych myself into facing my friends and now I have to deal with someone I do not like on top of it. (Funny as it may seem I never thought about dealing with those people). I had my head down because I was trying to will the tears back in, telling myself I could make it through the day and I felt a hand come on my shoulder and I looked up and there she was with tears in her eyes, honest, sincere tears streaming down her face. She reached out and gave me one of the biggest hugs and said, " Hun, I am just so sorry you lost your baby. He or she knows how much you love them and I am sorry that not everyone will always get a chance to see that. My heart is broken for you and if you need anything please let me know."  It was one of the kindest words I have ever heard spoken to me following a miscarriage and it came from someone I was sure would care less. From that day on we were friends.

Another example...after my last miscarriage I decided to go get some highlights and low lights in my hair. I had never colored my hair or anything but I wanted a change. I wanted something that would make me feel good and take my mind off of things. So I went to the salon and I was there for 6 hrs. There was only 1 person there trying to do everyone that came in and it took FOREVER! Anyway, at one point an older lady was sitting next to me and we started talking. Some how I found myself spilling the story of the last 8 yrs of my life and why I was there getting my hair done.To which she told me of her story and the 3 losses she had and how she ended up adopting after 15 yrs  of trying, because they did not have the advances they had today. She was inspiring to me. She, a complete stranger, was kind, made me laugh, and also made me feel lucky that today I have many more options available to me. She made me realize that as insensitive and stupid sometimes people are that I was happy that I was in the year 2008, and that even though there is much more education on the subject that needs to be done, things are a lot better now.

I have many examples I could give of the unlikely places I have found support. The times I have been reassured that I am at the right RE because of all the people I have found that have used him and now have kids. Although, most of the time it feels lonely in this journey I have found by sharing my story there are many people that have been on this journey with me or before me. They have made it and so can I. I also have met people that may not have been on this journey but seem to know exactly the right thing to say which sometimes can make up for the ones that don't. So for me, even though there are downfalls to sharing some of these intimate details of my life, the rewards far out weight the risks. Plus, me being who I am could not hide it even if I wanted to, so it just makes it easier.

Busy weekend

Well, I FINALLY got some sleep. Thank God! Friday I think my body had finally had it and I think I slept most all day and all night. Now I finally feel better. Hopefully I can continue on a good sleep schedule.

Yesterday was moving day for my sis. Since I can't be much help with moving because of my back, DH helped with the moving and I took the kids for the day. We had a lot of fun together. I took them to my house for a little bit and we took Sammy for a walk. He was a pain in the butt on the walk. He did not want to cooperate which is so not like him. The kids were really good with him though. They took turns walking him and they loved it. I then took them to McD.onalds play land and we had lunch and they played for a while. I took them to show them the places I used to live and then I took them to the pet store. When they left they wanted one of each thing in the pet store. I have some cute pictures that i am too lazy right now to post so I will do that later. Last night No.ah came down with the flu. So pray he gets better soon. The poor guy is so sick. Also, pray I do not get it. I have not had a flu shot and I was hugging and kissing him all day yesterday. Please tell me I am not doomed...

This morning I went to meet Mel. She was in my neighborhood doing a talk about her book. I have been so excited all week and I am so glad that I got to go. My sis went with me and it was so great! She made me laugh, brought tears to my eyes, and I found myself nodding through the whole thing. thinking there was so many people I knew that should be there. Maybe they could get a little better understanding. Maybe they could see I am not crazy. Anyway, I also got to meet  Baby Shmaybe. She was so sweet! I love meeting bloggers. It is nice to put a face with all the blogs and the stories. It is great to feel a connection with someone you only know from online. Mel's book (what I have read so far)  is so so good so if you have not gotten one yet you should do so soon! Also, if she is ever in your neck of the woods go to meet her. She is just as great in person as you read online. I am so thankful to her and all she has done for this community I just can not thank her enough! I have pictures of this too that I will post but they are my sister's camera so I will have to wait until she sends them to me. As soon as I get them I will post.

Anyway, I hope you all are having a great weekend.

BTW I want to say a big thanks to my sis for buying poor jobless me Mel's book. Thank you so much!

I am a Strong and Worthy Person!

Congratulations to me, today is my 200th post. I can't believe I have kept up with this for 200 posts. I was unsure when I started if I would continue or if I would even like it. Blogging has given me so much though. I am happy for all the wonderful friends I have made all around the world. People who are just like me. So thank you all for continuing to come here and support me. It brings a smile to my face everyday.


So anyway, last night I was watching Gho.sts of Gir.lfr1ends Past. Which by the way, was a good movie (although you may not get that from this post). Although I am a little biased seeing as it had my boy in the movie. I LOVE me some Matt.hew McC0naughey!  I don't usually go ga ga for a movie star, but he is my exception.  (oh an I am not really giving anything away about the movie so don't worry about that)


So at the beginning of the movie, 3 of the bridesmaids are sitting around talking about the men they wanted to sleep with and stuff like that. One girl says something like "oh, look at that one he is hot!" and then the response to her is "he is married" and then she says," Do they have kids? They are not really married unless they have kids."  Which made my jaw drop a little. I thought that was hurtful. I mean, I know it is a movie but still hurtful to hear that out loud. But then after contemplating it for a few minutes I realized that this is exactly how I feel. Not so much the "not really being married part" because I do feel married ,but most of the time I do not feel like an adult. I feel like a teenager playing house.  But I definitely DO NOT feel like a family. 


I know I have discussed this before but this really made me think. I guess I thought that it was something that was in my head. Some crazy, feeling sorry for my self, woe is me, thoughts that float through my infertile brain. Then I heard it and I was like NO...THAT IS NOT RIGHT!!! This is where the looks from other people come from. This is where we, as infertiles, get funny looks from people because we do not have children. This is why my "infertile brain" feels like I am less of a family, less of a person...because I do not have children. It is constantly perpetuated in movies and on TV. I do realize that this is a MOVIE and that it was a comment from some slutty girls, wanting to get some action, and used for comic purposes but unfortunately many people take all the information they get from TV, movies, and even the news and think ALL of it is FACT or the rule rather then the exception. It is the same thing that has happened with Octo mom and the woman that had the wrong embryo transferred. That one statement, no matter how harmless it was, had me thinking all night about the constant negative images and stories we are bombarded with on a steady basis. No wonder we feel the way we do.


We, going through all we are, have a lot of information that the general public does not. We know that being pregnant and the delivering 8 babies is next to impossible and that no responsible doctor would do such a thing. We know that mistakes are made sometime but that most IVF offices double, triple, check a million times to make sure that they are transferring the right embryos. We KNOW these things but not everyone else does. So if you are like me and have been open with your whole TTC journey then you spend time explaining to people why there is a 99.9% chance that this will not happen to you. You spend time trying to explain that people going for IVF are not there because they waited to long to have children or because they want to design the perfect kid with blonde hair and blue eyes. It is about wanting to feel complete.


The real problem comes in, when you hear something enough you start to believe it. No matter how much you know in your heart that it is not true...your head starts to think...well maybe it is true. Your brain has no way of telling the truth from a lie. That is why the "power of positive thinking" movement is strong. If you tell your brain that you are not good enough it will start to believe it.


My mom illustrated this to me a long time when I was a teenager. She showed me that what you repeat to yourself,  is what you will be. She told me to stand there and repeat over and over "I am a strong and worthy person". Thinking it and believing it while I said it and then she said to hold my arms out to my sides and then she tried to push them down and my arms did not budge. I mean they did not move at all! Then she said to do the opposite..." to repeat " I am a weak and unworthy person". Thinking it and believing it. I held out my arms and she pressed down and my arms were down at my side in a second.  It works. I have done it many times in my life to show that to people and it works every time. However, I haven't gotten it to work with "I am a mom with many children"...yet. LOL


This is why I try to avoid the news. It is so depressing most of the time or just trying to cause a panic in people. It drives me crazy. I only watch it like once a week so I can stay on top of what is going on. I do not watch because I know that watching those images all the time would depress me to no end! I will read news because I can choose the stories I want to focus my attention on and I can stay up to date. I just don't watch because I have no control over what they show next.


So I am sorry if this has sounded like a jumbled mess of thoughts but this is what my brain was doing last night.  Luckily the one little comment did not spoil the movie for me. I mean it was not some horrible theme of the movie or anything it just made me think about how all the little statements and the stories all add up to something bugger. It shapes the way people view things, including how we view ourselves.  I know if you pick something a part enough you can find fault with anything, but that just really jumped out at me. I guess because it is a thought that has run through my head and if it is something that can run through mine and I KNOW differently then I have to believe that those that DON"T KNOW differently are thinking it as well and there goes the vicious cycle that we have entered. The mind and heart games this infertile thing plays is hard to overcome but everyday I have to try or I guess or I would hide myself in my room for eternity. I just need to repeat...I AM A STRONG AND WORTHY PERSON!


Isn't it funny how one little line from a movie (that most people probably would miss) can cause all that thought?

My HeartAches

I have so many things on mind lately but I haven't been able to really figure out how to get them into words. I can put down one sentence and then I am stuck...

I feel lonely yet I am not alone. I am surrounded by people who love me yet I have this aching loneliness that won't go away. I hesitate to write that because I don't want to hurt those around me like they are not enough for me or something, because that is not it. I don't want DH to ever feel like I am not happy with him because if I had a choice of being with him and never having kids or not being with him and having kids...I would choose him everyday of the week and twice on Sunday's... But my heart still aches.

It is an ache that I can't even describe because nothing seems to do it justice. Sometimes it just takes my breath away. I just read a post that I had started but did not finish. It was just 2 days before we put Katie Jo down. It talked about how good she was doing. It makes my heart ache for her even more. I feel like people are thinking...just get over it already...but I can't right now. In my world, there are no babies, I only have my fur babies, and I just lost one.

On the outside I am fine...on the inside my mind is spinning, my heart is broken and I just do not have a clue on how to fix either of those things. In a review of the last year of my life, it has pretty much sucked! I fell and hurt my back pretty bad. No babies. People I thought were my friends stabbed me in the back. I lost my job. No babies. I lost my car. I lost my dog. I may lose my house. Did I mention no babies? and no hope for one anytime soon? I'm one year older but feel like I am going backwards (hey, maybe I could write a country song). Yet with all these things I still feel like a whiny brat because I know so many people have it so much worse. I should count my blessings...I do have many. Yet right now the record in my head is skipping at "Why me?". I don't know how to get unstuck. You would think after 9 years of this infertility CRAP I would be a pro.

Maybe just typing this out and finally getting it out of my head will help. What do you do when you are stuck and feeling down, to feel better?

Sorry if this sounded like a jumbled mess but that is what my mind feels like lately.

Happy Blogoversary to ME!

WOW! It has been 1 year of blogging today. I can't believe it has been a year already. I remember when I started, wanting so bad to be a year into blogging because that meant hopefully I would have built some readers. It would mean I had experience now. I would know what I wanted my voice to be and how I wanted to express all that had been bottled up in my mind and in heart for the last 9 years. Yet, I also wondered. Would I be disappointed with blogging? Would I start and then decide after a week or two that it was too much work? Would anyone care what I had to say? Would I really want to talk about all this really personal stuff?

One year later...

I am definitely NOT disappointed with blogging. Quite the contrary. I think it has been one of the best experiences. My first post I remember thinking, as I have said before, I am going to show everyone what it is like to be infertile. What I feel...how hard it is. I am going to educate. I had no idea that this whole world was out there. I do not even remember how I found Mel's place. I am sure it was from clicking on links from someone else's blog. But I do remeber my heart skipped a beat when I rolled through her list of blogs from the ALI community. I could not believe it. The feeling was like...I was HOME at last!

I am a talker by nature but I was unsure if it would translate to a blog. Could I be as open when anyone could find it and possibly say unkind things? I have enough of that IRL...I don't need it in the virtual world while relaxing in the comfort of my home. One year later...Yes I defintely have no problem speaking my mind. Saying exactly how I feel even if not everyone agrees. I figured out along the way that it is ok if not everyone agrees. We all have different experiences in life that shape how we view and feel about things. That is why I am here...to learn and maybe see a different way of looking at things. But I am also happy to say that I have not had anything unkind said to me. I have received nothing but an unending supply of love and support from all of you.

I really thought that I would only have a few people who would come to read my blog. I am amazed all the time that people come here and read what I think or feel. That you come here and comment and envelop me with virtual hugs. I just can't say how much it means to me and how excited I get whenever I see a comment. I also love to comment. I love offering my love and support to everyone that needs it. I love finding new blogs to read and that is why I have reached Iron commenter 6 times. My list gets longer and longer. Many have become successful in there quest for a baby since I started reading and it truely makes me so happy when you have beat IF. It makes my day better...it gives me so much HOPE! It also makes me so sad when things are not going well for you...if you are having a hard time...or God forbid a loss. I feel it as if it were my own. I pray and keep you all in my thoughts CONSTANTLY! If I can't read every day I start to get anxious because I do not want a day to go by where any of you feel forgotten. I try my best and I hope that I can give you at least a small fraction of what you have given me.

I think people think I have lost my mind. They say you should go to a support group and I say I have a great support group...they are all online. IRL people say , "no I'm talking about a group in person"...I say I did that and I like this better. While I definitely like to meet people and there are several of you that I hope to meet someday, being on the internet sometimes just makes it so much easier. It is easier to say how I feel with out fear that someone is rolling their eyes at me or staring at me in bewilderment. It's easier to cry my eyes out as I write a gut wrenching post or laugh my ass off at my stupidity without anyone knowing it. I can say here what I can't say or would rather not say IRL. It is also hard too because I can post things here and I realize that it may sound like I am about to slit my wrists or jump off the closest bridge...let me assure you I am not...because words can only say so much...but I know that most of you who read know exactly what I am talking about. You laugh and cry with me and not at me (wink, wink). And while all this may sound ridiculous to some people... to me it has been a lifeline. So, while I know some IRL people do not understand or think I have lost my mind if I talk about some great news I heard from someone online or some uplifting thing one of you told me that got me through a bad day...I don't care because I consider all of you my friends even if it is in the blogosphere...it still means the world to me.

So I thank you all for coming here and for blogging. My hubby thanks you because he finally gets a break from my constant over analyzing, worrying, and grief and I thank Mel for getting us all together in one community to support and celebrate each other and I am amazed everyday at all she does. I have learned so much in the last year. You have changed my life and made this whole IF thing easier. I am not alone anymore and I just can't thank you enough! And I can't wait for the next year!

So 365 days and 174 posts later...here are some highlights incase you haven't read.

How it began...1st post

Most popular post, my Creme de la Creme entry and Contest winner (although the contest

winner was a shorter version)

I am one of "those" people

My letter to Aunt Flo

Top 101 things about me

Shades of Gray

My letter to 18 yr old me

Something pretty funny - to my sis...sorry it had to be told...it is just too darn funny!

Hope you enjoyed!

Connection of the Heart <3

I had a really good time for girls weekend!!! Nothing like getting together with friends...drinking, eating, playing games, and laying on the beach. We had so much fun! I had some really good food. We had a dessert that was so good and it is really simple to make. It tastes just like a chocolate eclair...YUMMY!!!

There were 2 people at the girls weekend that I had never met before. I was a little nervous about this because you never know with new people. The inevitable questions about kids come up. Anyway, though they turned out to be great and the questions never came. I figured maybe my friends had warned them before hand not to ask me. I always wonder that when it does not come up. Funny though it bothers me a bit thinking that people are saying things about it behind my back, even though I know they mean well. However, I found out that that was not the case and it makes me love my friends even more! They don't treat me different and I appreciate that!

At the end of our time we were talking about something and I said I was a night person. I can stay up late but I said that is probably because I do not have any kids to which one of the girls said, "Oh, I thought you had a daughter?" (she must have assumed by a statement from some earlier story that my friend said, "oh see we reacted that way because we don't have boys." this must have made her assume I then had a girl). Anyway, I said, "No, hopefully someday." thinking why did I say anything, dummy you almost got through the whole time and did not have to explain anything. She then said "have you been trying for long?" Me.."yes, for nine years.(trying to think of a way out)" She..."what have you been trying?" Now, here I start to get irritated thinking, oh great you are going to be one of those people who tell me a friend of a friends aunts daughter tried such and such and it worked so you should give it a try. Already in that split second I am having the internal argument in my head that I DO NOT want to have out loud on fun girls weekend. Me..."I have tried everything up to IVF which I am unsuccessfully trying to save money for." She..." Do you go to XYZ clinic in XYZ city?"...Me.."yes, I do."...She..."who is your RE?"...Me..."Dr.Positive"...She..."Isn't he great? I love him." Everyone else..."what are you talking about you have kids?"...She..."yes but I had 1 loss and it took me 4 years to have my first."...Me...(big exhale)"You used him and were successful. I love hearing that!."...She..."stick with him...it will work." and that was the end of the conversation.

Infertility is so isolating that sometimes you feel like you are the only person on the planet who understands how it feels and then I meet someone that no one even realized knew the secret. She knew the pain and anguish. She knew what to say and where to end it and it instantly gave us a connection that no one else in that room had. It is a connection of the heart. She knew...I knew...and it so rare to be in a room with IRL friends that GET IT, it just made this weekend all that much better!

Couple v. Family

I have yet to feel like a "real" grown up. I mean I have all the fantastic responsibilities of a "grown up"...paying bills, jobs (or in my case lack of), stresses of everyday life... but I haven't really felt the benefits of being a grown up. I feel like a couple, a very happy and loving couple but just that... a couple. We are not a family. When we arrive at family functions sometimes I feel like I am suppose to have some rousing tale of how we traveled through Europe or bought the next latest and greatest technology because of course we don't have children yet. We don't have all that financial "responsibility". What else could we possible be doing with all that money and time. Well here is the kicker we do have the financial responsibilty of having children with out the benefit of having children and I have't even got to the IVF part of it yet. I have insurance that has paid for some. They say have a 35.00 co-pay yet I always seem to end up with a bill 1-2 months later for 500.-600. Then I have to pay for blood tests and diagnostic tests and RX and what is it for? I have no answers yet. Why do they tell me I have a co-pay and then charge more. Why do I have a deductible that I ALWAYS reach by February but still end up in serious debt because of medical bills? anyway I got side tracked for a minute...

Back to family gatherings and by these I usually mean DH side of things. He has a much bigger family. (My side is just my sis, my mom, and I) No one has ever said anything to me and they try to include me. Yet, I feel like an outsider. I feel less of a family then my unwed 25yr old SIL with her 2 children by different fathers or my unwed 21 yr old BIL with 2 children by different mothers or my other BIL who is in a loveless marriage with step children or my other unwed SIL with a 18 yr old daughter who she treats like dirt on the bottom of her shoe. We won't even go into all the other half brothers and sisters he has and all there craziness. Yet I am the one that does not feel normal. Why is that? I have been responsible. I am married. Yet I feel somehow less. I can't participate in most conversations that go on because they are kid centered. I will often interject with a story or two about my nephews on my side and I feel like they look at me like "what do you know those aren't your kids". I know that this is usually a result of my overactive analytical mind but that is just it. It is yet another thing that the joy is sucked out of because of infertility.

By no means do I expect the world to conform to me or that everyone should just wait with baited breath about what I have to say. I just wish I could be like them (not the unwed, unhappy, crazy part). It is kind of sad when you wish you were like that but I do. All the things they take for granted makes me sad. The sleepless nights, the seemingly unending supply of poopy diapers, the inability to just get up and go somewhere, the sense of FAMILY...I would give my left arm or more for that! I feel like a child who wanted so bad to be invited to party and wasn't. I'm done being a couple and I am ready to be a couple with a FAMILY. I am just not sure how I am ever gonna get there. I feel left out and I am begging to be included!

I had dreams

Ok so I was watchin' "here Come.s the New1yweds5" last night. Yes I know some quality TV but I have already admitted to my reality TV addiction. Anyway was watchin' last night and they had questions about where they would be at there 10 year anniversary and then had the men dress up as old people and do a video for there wives for their 40th anniversary. It was suppose to be funny but to me it made me sad. Unexpectedly I had tears falling thinking I am coming up on my 9th wedding and TTC anniversary in a couple of weeks and I am NO WHERE near where I thought we would be by our 10th anniversary. Yea I have a year to go but unless I have some freak octo mom like experience I don't think I will be there.

I have always wanted a lot of kids. At least 4 has been my dream. Now they have been modified. My dreams, year by year, get less and less. At this point I would be ecstatic with 1! What is it you were always told as a kid? Never give up on your dream...never settle for less...if you try hard enough you can have anything you want. HAH I laugh [read cry] at that. Everyone spends time preaching to teens about how you can get pregnant with just one mistake so use protection. (rightfully so) but still no one prepared me for the heart break with trying hundreds or thousands of times and it not working! No one prepared for the ultimate feeling of failure that I feel. I can't just try hard enough and make a baby. I had dreams...

What do you do when you are terrified that they won't come true?

Not a good day

I am so upset! After all my delaying and putting off of my appointment with my RE I finally make the appointment. It is suppose to be tomorrow. I was excited and nervous at the same time. anyway...this morning I get a call from the office saying I have a balance that needs to be paid before I can see him. Really bad timing because I do not have it. It is 300.00 and I don't even have remotely close to that right now. So I guess now I have to wait until July. Hopefully I will be able to get caught up and come up with the money by then. It is my fault. I got the bill a long time ago, like last year. I knew I owed it but I was hoping that they would accept partial payment. no such luck. This whole IF thing really sucks!!! It makes me very bitter that I have to fork out all this money and still have nothing to show for it. I have many more thousands of dollars to go and no guarantee that I will EVER have anything to show for it. It SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!!!!

Then remember what I mentioned the other day. Well today they made the announcement to everyone in our company that 4 of our departments are moving down to Florida. they have an office there and it is much cheaper labor so bye bye. It is not my department but they told us that they will be reviewing all the TLs and probably getting rid of 1-3 of them. It does not matter if it is your department that is moving. They will just do some shuffling. I will probably be one of the ones to go since I am pretty sure my boss hates me. I don't know about the other 15 TLs but it is just a feeling I have. My problem is I am not a "yes" person. I tend to question things when they don't make sense or say something when things don't seem right. I do it professionally but apparently I don't think my boss likes it, even though she said that is why she promoted me in the 1st place. We won't mention how good my department is doing now and how smooth everything goes. But I am still trying out the don't worry about it until it happens. A lot can happen between now and December and I really don't know the other TLs business. Maybe I am just making things up in my head because I am a perfectionist and hate one little mistake. i am very hard on myself.

I do have to say the not worrying about it until it happens is kind of a little freeing. I realized that there is really nothing I can do to change what will happen, if it happens. i won't be able to change my boss's opinion because she loves the other 2 TLs under her and nothing I will do will change that. I just need to come in and do my job the best way that I know how and let the chips fall where they may. Will see how I feel as the time gets closer.

So it is only noon and this day has been crap!!! I am now so ready to get back in the fertility race but now I have to wait because of money and lets not talk about what will happen if I lose my job. I am so frustrated!

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow is game 7 of the Stan.ley Cup finals. Its the last game. Whoever wins tomorrow night will be the champs. I am hoping and praying it is the Re.d W!ngs. I need something to celebrate.

Taking the leap

Well I think it is time. It is time for me to get back in the game. I have been out long enough. I have taken my break. I think mentally I am ready. But also I am scared. It has been nice to not worry every month what is going to happen. To not make a million doctors appointments, to get frustrated when it doesn't work, or worse yet it does work and then it goes south.

It probably is going to take a month or so to get into the doctor but I think I am going to do it. I am going to make that simple phone call that I have been delaying for a looong time. I mean I did have a good excuse for a while with my back being all messed up, but now I have to jump back in with both feet. Really it isn't going to be for much because I am going to try one more round of injections. We are going to add progesterone and see if that makes a difference. Hopefully it makes a difference because otherwise I am going to be in for another looong wait because I am going to have to save for IVF. But hopefully I will be getting out of a car lease soon. My plan is to buy a car for cash that I can afford. Which by the way... won't be much. Then I can save this ridiculous 600.00 car payment ( I know, right?) I have and hopefully soon have enough for IVF. That is the plan anyway.

Actually, the real plan is that the injections with progesterone will work and I won't have to worry about IVF. I think I have been putting it off because I am really scared the injections won't work. I need them to work! But first I am going to meet with Dr. Positive and probably do a laparoscopy. I want to do that to check everything out before waisting anymore time, energy and money. Also my OB said I should get one due to unexplained pain and tenderness. Then once that is done we will do the injections and then IVF.

But I have to make the call. I have to pick up the phone, dial the oh so familiar numbers, deal with the crazy nurse who I do NOT like, I have to make an appointment, I have to take time off work, and I have to go in and get this game started. I think I am ready, I think I am prepared for all it is going to take but even typing this makes my heart beat fast. I have to do it. Time is passing me by. I am not getting any younger. I think I am ready...ready for the anxiety, ready for the time, ready for the worry, ready for the hope, and most importantly and hopefully, ultimately ready for the joy.

Wish me luck because I am going to jump. I am hoping it is a soft landing.

The week from hell

Welcome to the first week in May or as I like to call it "the week of hell". I am sure most of you know what I am talking about. You know if you are infertile...it leads up to "the day". The day that if you do not have children you do not exist.

Let me preface this post by saying... Mothers are WONDERFUL! They have the hardest job in the world and they deserve a day honoring them. They deserve a day off. I hesitated publishing this post because I don't want to sound like a bitter old angry person. I don't want to sound like "poor me". I try not to live my life like that. I am usually pretty good with other people's kids and baby stuff. I don't want to live hiding out from the world so I try really hard to be ok. After all it's not other people's fault that I lost my babies, that I am not a mother but sometimes it is harder then others and I just wanted to get this out of my head and hopefully feel better.

I love my mother with all my heart and I will spend the day with her but...

This week is harder then others. I really do hate this week because everyone is "what are you doing for moth.ers day? what did you get your mom? Oh and the best one for those who do not know me... what are your kids going to do for you for mo.ms day?"...Well gee I don't know since they couldn't be with me and all cause, you know they aren't actually here...they are just in my heart. Nobody really understands that (unless you have been through it). The only time I feel I do exist is when everyone wants to point out how special it is for the moth.ers. How they deserve the day off. My mom loves to point out that it is mothers day and I should do whatever she wants...which again she is my mother and that is all well and good. She deserves it and I love her but I am just saying that all it does is reinforce the fact that I do not have any children. No one is here to honor me.

All week leading up to "the day" I can't go to a store or turn on the TV without being bombarded by moth.ers day ads and it is tough. I know on a normal day I am bombarded with babies but on moth.ers day I really feel left out of the party and I want so much to be a part of it. I am sick of feeling left out. I want to have a family and know what it feels like to be called mom. I wish I could spend the day with my 4 angels. To me moth.ers day is like another edd that I missed out on. Another day to remember what I lost...another day to hope next year will be different. It is like the week of Christmas where in my head I am saying..."next year I will have a baby by this time or announce a pregnancy as a moth.ers day gift to everyone." Then the next year goes by and it is the same ole song and dance. It really starts to get old.

With Moth.ers day 2009 fast approaching I do want to wish all the moms out there a Happy Mot.hers day (sincerely). I just really hope that for me...next year will be different.

In case you did not know

Infertility has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. It's hard because everyday you are bombarded with images and news that reminds of what you do not have and what you are unable to do. It is frustrating because while you want to be happy for others and live a "normal" life, IF robs you of that ability. Not only that, but it feels very lonely. It seems to be a basic human right to reproduce and bring children into this world. After all it is what a woman is born to do. You want to leave this world better then when you came. But I have found out that it is not a guarantee just like most things in life... Believe me I know that there are people who are going through some really bad stuff. Things that I could not even imagine or would ever WANT to imagine and I am not here to say my pain is worse then others pain. I am just here to say that the pain of being INFERTILE IS VERY REAL. It is a difficult thing to deal with everyday and mostly it is not thought of as a "real" problem. Most people think that we were just selfish and waited to long or we want to have IVF because we want to pick the child's gender or eye color or something crazy like that. All those false assumptions just tend to aggravate the problem and not alleviate it.

It is frustrating because we can't understand why the woman who smokes crack every day has 10 children and we don't have any. Why women who killed their children still have more. It's hard and it leaves you questioning everything. Why me? Do you hear my prayers? What is the point of life if I can't have a child? Then we have to deal with insensitive comments such as "just relax", "maybe it is not meant to be", "it will happen when it is suppose to happen", "I have a friend that tried for many years and as soon as they tried to adopt they got pregnant", and "just don't think about". Don't you think that if those things really worked somebody would have tried that long ago. It may work for a fertile person but for an infertile person it usually involves some kind of drugs, a dildocam, thousands of dollars, and you do not even have to be in the same room with your hubby. Doesn't that sound romantic?

So basically in honor of NIAW I wanted to write about the feelings that are there when you are infertile. I just want people to be aware that 1. they should always think before they speak because you might not know who you are speaking to and what they are going through and 2. If you have children please know what a special gift you have received and act accordingly. Thanks.

Happy NIAW

Happy Nation Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) to all. NIAW runs from 04/25/09 - 05/02/09. I forgot about it until last night. You know why...I have not heard one story about it on the news. It seems to me like it will pass just like any old week in the year. No media attention, no "walk" for a cure, no fundraising...at least none that I know of...

All there seems to be is us. We won't let it pass without a word. We won't pretend IF isn't a "real" problem. We will try to educate and spread the word just like we do everyday. We know the pain! We know it's real! and we wish NO ONE ELSE HAD TO EXPERIENCE IT!

I thank all of my bloggers...no I mean all my friends! You have made things feel not so lonely. You offer unconditional support. You are an inspiration!

If you would like more information you can also go to the RESOLVE website. They too have some great information.

Here are some myths and facts regarding IF.

and here is some ifo about taking charge of your fertility.

I hope you all have a GREAT week!

Just ranting away

Cycle day 31, cramps for 4 days now...still no AF. I really hate her! While I am on "break" from doing all the fertility meds and stuff I still want to try on my own. But I can't when I have cycles that last forever and ever. I mean I can, I do, but it just doesn't work as well. Maybe by some miracle, if AF ever sticks to her schedule, it will happen on it's own. Not really sure why I would even think that because in almost 9 years it has only happened once but still it doesn't cost anything to just (gasp) do it the old fashioned way. As shocking as that may sound I have heard I think some stories, maybe published in the paper or media reporting it, that people do get pregnant actually "doing it" without a Dr present and weeks of pills and shots. That just sounds strange to me.

I have just been really angry and bummed out lately that I can't just be like everyone else. I can't say "hey I want to have a baby and then a 9 months later poof there he/she is". No I have to figure out ways to raise money to have a baby and I just do not even have the first clue how to do that.

I'm angry that time is just slipping by and I have no control on how my life is unfolding. I'm angry that a woman that has 6 kids that she can barely support gets to have 8 more. I'm not saying you can't have as many kids as you want but come on all I am asking for is 1 here...

I'm angry that infertility is not treated seriously by most people. They call us selfish for wanting what most people can have easily. I'm angry that once you have a miscarriage that people feel bad for you for a couple days but then disregard it like my grief is not real...I should be over it by now. Well, I'm not and I never will be! It hurts less with time but it still hurts!

I'm angry that my body does not work the way it should and I have to jump through hoops just for the HOPE that it might.

It has been almost 9 years I WANT MY MIRACLE! I WANT to hear someone call me mommy. I want to watch him/her grow up. I want to be a family! I just hate this whole thing and I am really pissed off!

100th post - 100 things I have learned through IF

1. It doesn't take just once to get pregnant.
2. All the time and money I spent trying to prevent pregnancy was a big fat waste!
3. Sticking yourself with a needle in the stomach isn't as bad as you would think.
4. It really sucks that I know that.
5. Hoping something is wrong with you just so you have an answer to why you are not getting pregnant is really F**ked up!
6. Being disappointed after getting a report that says everything is fine after doing testing for why I may be having multiple miscarriages is even worse.
7. Spotting during pregnancy is not harmless.
8. Relaxing does NOT make a baby.
9. I CAN"T just "not think about it"...go ahead don't think of a pink elephant right NOW...can't do it.
10. Getting two lines on a pee stick does not mean you will ACTUALLY have a baby.
11. Signing up at every baby related website after getting said BFP is REALLY NOT A GOOD IDEA!
12. You will get things for a baby from those websites FOREVER no matter how much you try to cancel them.
13. Not every RE should be an RE. Some are INSENSITIVE A**holes.
14. Not everyone knows the right thing to say...sometimes they will say completely the WRONG thing.
15. Who are my real friends and will be there though thick and thin.
16. Pregnant women are EVERY WHERE!
17. Someone announcing their pregnancy is not always a happy event.
18. My husband is one of the GREATEST MEN I have ever known!
19. I have lots of blood and do not seem to run out even when they take 15-20 viles of it at a time.
20. My veins suck!!!
21. The hand is a very sensitive place to get blood drawn.
22. I can recognize by sight my ovaries, what is a cyst and what is not, and how thick my lining is without anyone telling me.
23. I could probably do a better job with the dildocam then some of the nurses or "trainees" that are trained to use them.
24. Doctors do not know or think of everything. Be your own advocate!
25. Always have questions written down because when you get into the office it is not an obvious question and you WILL forget.
26. Crying is something I do very well.
27. Sex is not always what it is cracked up to be.
28. You can find ways and places to have sex even in the most dire of circumstances such as being in agony from kidney stones if the timing says it is a must.
29. Money DOES NOT grow on trees.
30. This s**t is expensive!
31. Having a baby is not considered to be a "necessary" life event if you are trying for FMLA.
32. Insurance coverage in Michigan does not require coverage for IVF and that really sucks.
33. I now know what BFN, TTC, 2WW, IVF, OPK, PIO, and many other acronymns stand for.
34. There are a whole lot of people that are experiencing the same thing as me...TOO MANY!
35. Blogging is very therapeutic.
36. I have many friends that I have not met IRL.
37. Things stuck up you vajayjay are not necessarily for pleasure.
38. AF can not take a hint. She is there when you don't want her and no where to be found when you do.
39. Just because I am childless does not mean I have a carefree life and I vacation all over. Quite the opposite.
40. My marriage is strong.
41. The pain of losing your baby never really goes away.
42. Support is very important!
43. I will never take my child for granted.
44. Life is precious!
45. The love a good man and family can make things better.
46. Time goes by VERY FAST!
47. IVF is not just for women who "waited" too long.
48. People will forget you EDD after a mc but you never will.
49. Fake it til you make it!
50. I am a master at peeing in a cup!
51. PCOS sucks!
52. I am a pro at making little graphs
53. Those little graphs just look like a bunch of scribbles (see #51)
54. I know too much about cervical mucus
55. I do things with said cm that no one should ever have to do
56. Have a plan
57. Have a plan B
58. Have a plan C
59. Best laid plans usually turn to crap so you should probably have a plan D, E, and F.
60. Patience is not my strong suit
61. A sense of humor is a must if you are going to go through this.
62. It is ok not to go to every baby shower or kids birthday party.
63. A few shots and I can become a raving hormone filled lunatic.
64. Who am I kidding I can do the above without hormone shots.
65. Birth control pills is not just for those who do NOT want to become pregnant.
66. Metformin is not just for diabetes.
67. If you take metformin you should probably be very close to the bathroom for a good month or so.
68. I can pee alot. For example if I need to take, uh something like 10 or so at home pregnancy tests in an hour just to verify (you never no maybe I just didn't see the 2 lines).
69. Your body can play tricks on you.
70. So can your mind.
71. I can lie to myself pretty well. For example even if I just had a visit from AF I CAN convince myself I am pregnant.
72. I can also convince myself that I have any kind of disease at any time.
73. I am a professional worrier.
74. Everyone knows someone that as soon as they stopped "trying" they became pregnant or at least they have a friend of a friend whose brothers cousins 2nd wifes aunt did, so I am sure it will happen for me.
75. Idiots are every where.
76. But there are a lot more good people (like you all)!
77. "Practice" does not make perfect.
78. Normal every day things can make you think of what you are missing, such as going to the grocery store and passing the baby aisle, and it can ruin your day.
79. I'm crazy.
80. The times I have been pregnant I am always afraid to do things such as move or breath for fear I may dislodge the baby somehow.
81. A lot of good that did me.
82. My dogs and cat are like MY babies.
83. Dogs and cats really DO NOT like if you try to carry them around like a baby.
84. Friendship can come from unexpected places.
85. Sometimes I just need to scream or cry and that IS ok.
86. Maybe if I wait until there is a full moon in the west, and the stars are aligned, and my horoscope says "It's a good day", and it's a Wednesday at precisely 8:02, and on a brisk 52 degree day in May, and I've done all my "practicing", and all my "relaxing", and it's God's will, and the lottery numbers cam up with exactly my birth date, and I made a wish on a star, and threw a penny in the wishing well, and spun around 3 times while hopping on 1 foot, and chanted 10 times "today I WILL make a baby", and then did the deed, and made sure I put pillows under my butt after, then I am sure I WILL get pregnant and have a baby.
87. Hmmm maybe that whole spinning thing while hopping on 1 foot and chanting would work...note to self try this next time.
88. I may look pregnant but really I am not but thanks for asking you brightened my day...whatever...jerk!
89. People have a lot of assvice.
90. Most of the time when people tell me they are pregnant my first thought is...I really hope it lasts...
91. It really sucks that I think that way.
92. There is so much I can do with out kids.
93. That does not make me feel better.
94. The 2ww feels more like a 2 year wait.
95. As soon as you buy the hpt or take the test af usually shows her ugly face.
96. Whenever I do get pregnant and STAY pregnant I am going to be a basket case!
97. I apparently like to make lists.
98. I am a much stronger person then I ever thought I was.
99. All of you out there in blogland make each day easier because of your support and kindness!
100. INFERTILITY REALLY REALLY REALLY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!