Congratulations to me, today is my 200th post. I can't believe I have kept up with this for 200 posts. I was unsure when I started if I would continue or if I would even like it. Blogging has given me so much though. I am happy for all the wonderful friends I have made all around the world. People who are just like me. So thank you all for continuing to come here and support me. It brings a smile to my face everyday.
So anyway, last night I was watching Gho.sts of Gir.lfr1ends Past. Which by the way, was a good movie (although you may not get that from this post). Although I am a little biased seeing as it had my boy in the movie. I LOVE me some Matt.hew McC0naughey! I don't usually go ga ga for a movie star, but he is my exception. (oh an I am not really giving anything away about the movie so don't worry about that)
So at the beginning of the movie, 3 of the bridesmaids are sitting around talking about the men they wanted to sleep with and stuff like that. One girl says something like "oh, look at that one he is hot!" and then the response to her is "he is married" and then she says," Do they have kids? They are not really married unless they have kids." Which made my jaw drop a little. I thought that was hurtful. I mean, I know it is a movie but still hurtful to hear that out loud. But then after contemplating it for a few minutes I realized that this is exactly how I feel. Not so much the "not really being married part" because I do feel married ,but most of the time I do not feel like an adult. I feel like a teenager playing house. But I definitely DO NOT feel like a family.
I know I have discussed this before but this really made me think. I guess I thought that it was something that was in my head. Some crazy, feeling sorry for my self, woe is me, thoughts that float through my infertile brain. Then I heard it and I was like NO...THAT IS NOT RIGHT!!! This is where the looks from other people come from. This is where we, as infertiles, get funny looks from people because we do not have children. This is why my "infertile brain" feels like I am less of a family, less of a person...because I do not have children. It is constantly perpetuated in movies and on TV. I do realize that this is a MOVIE and that it was a comment from some slutty girls, wanting to get some action, and used for comic purposes but unfortunately many people take all the information they get from TV, movies, and even the news and think ALL of it is FACT or the rule rather then the exception. It is the same thing that has happened with Octo mom and the woman that had the wrong embryo transferred. That one statement, no matter how harmless it was, had me thinking all night about the constant negative images and stories we are bombarded with on a steady basis. No wonder we feel the way we do.
We, going through all we are, have a lot of information that the general public does not. We know that being pregnant and the delivering 8 babies is next to impossible and that no responsible doctor would do such a thing. We know that mistakes are made sometime but that most IVF offices double, triple, check a million times to make sure that they are transferring the right embryos. We KNOW these things but not everyone else does. So if you are like me and have been open with your whole TTC journey then you spend time explaining to people why there is a 99.9% chance that this will not happen to you. You spend time trying to explain that people going for IVF are not there because they waited to long to have children or because they want to design the perfect kid with blonde hair and blue eyes. It is about wanting to feel complete.
The real problem comes in, when you hear something enough you start to believe it. No matter how much you know in your heart that it is not true...your head starts to think...well maybe it is true. Your brain has no way of telling the truth from a lie. That is why the "power of positive thinking" movement is strong. If you tell your brain that you are not good enough it will start to believe it.
My mom illustrated this to me a long time when I was a teenager. She showed me that what you repeat to yourself, is what you will be. She told me to stand there and repeat over and over "I am a strong and worthy person". Thinking it and believing it while I said it and then she said to hold my arms out to my sides and then she tried to push them down and my arms did not budge. I mean they did not move at all! Then she said to do the opposite..." to repeat " I am a weak and unworthy person". Thinking it and believing it. I held out my arms and she pressed down and my arms were down at my side in a second. It works. I have done it many times in my life to show that to people and it works every time. However, I haven't gotten it to work with "I am a mom with many children"...yet. LOL
This is why I try to avoid the news. It is so depressing most of the time or just trying to cause a panic in people. It drives me crazy. I only watch it like once a week so I can stay on top of what is going on. I do not watch because I know that watching those images all the time would depress me to no end! I will read news because I can choose the stories I want to focus my attention on and I can stay up to date. I just don't watch because I have no control over what they show next.
So I am sorry if this has sounded like a jumbled mess of thoughts but this is what my brain was doing last night. Luckily the one little comment did not spoil the movie for me. I mean it was not some horrible theme of the movie or anything it just made me think about how all the little statements and the stories all add up to something bugger. It shapes the way people view things, including how we view ourselves. I know if you pick something a part enough you can find fault with anything, but that just really jumped out at me. I guess because it is a thought that has run through my head and if it is something that can run through mine and I KNOW differently then I have to believe that those that DON"T KNOW differently are thinking it as well and there goes the vicious cycle that we have entered. The mind and heart games this infertile thing plays is hard to overcome but everyday I have to try or I guess or I would hide myself in my room for eternity. I just need to repeat...I AM A STRONG AND WORTHY PERSON!
Isn't it funny how one little line from a movie (that most people probably would miss) can cause all that thought?