Wednesday, September 23, 2009

My HeartAches

I have so many things on mind lately but I haven't been able to really figure out how to get them into words. I can put down one sentence and then I am stuck...

I feel lonely yet I am not alone. I am surrounded by people who love me yet I have this aching loneliness that won't go away. I hesitate to write that because I don't want to hurt those around me like they are not enough for me or something, because that is not it. I don't want DH to ever feel like I am not happy with him because if I had a choice of being with him and never having kids or not being with him and having kids...I would choose him everyday of the week and twice on Sunday's... But my heart still aches.

It is an ache that I can't even describe because nothing seems to do it justice. Sometimes it just takes my breath away. I just read a post that I had started but did not finish. It was just 2 days before we put Katie Jo down. It talked about how good she was doing. It makes my heart ache for her even more. I feel like people are thinking...just get over it already...but I can't right now. In my world, there are no babies, I only have my fur babies, and I just lost one.

On the outside I am fine...on the inside my mind is spinning, my heart is broken and I just do not have a clue on how to fix either of those things. In a review of the last year of my life, it has pretty much sucked! I fell and hurt my back pretty bad. No babies. People I thought were my friends stabbed me in the back. I lost my job. No babies. I lost my car. I lost my dog. I may lose my house. Did I mention no babies? and no hope for one anytime soon? I'm one year older but feel like I am going backwards (hey, maybe I could write a country song). Yet with all these things I still feel like a whiny brat because I know so many people have it so much worse. I should count my blessings...I do have many. Yet right now the record in my head is skipping at "Why me?". I don't know how to get unstuck. You would think after 9 years of this infertility CRAP I would be a pro.

Maybe just typing this out and finally getting it out of my head will help. What do you do when you are stuck and feeling down, to feel better?

Sorry if this sounded like a jumbled mess but that is what my mind feels like lately.

14 comments:

Demara said...

I can SO relate! I'm in the same boat as you honey...let's paddle it hard...and jump over this wave!! What do I do to feel better? BLOG, drown myself in other's lives, and DESIGN! Hey if I can't create a mini-human why not create a work of art, right? Have you tried expressing your pain through art?

Michele said...

Sending hugs and warm thoughts...

jill said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Don't feel bad for whining though, we all do it, you're entitled. Of course, others will always have it worse but you have been through some shitty stuff.

When I feel like that I usually can't make myself snap out of it - I just have to ride it out. I try to dwell in the moments of happiness when they do happen though, like enjoying watching a movie or reading a book or laughing with my sister or my husband.

You will always miss Katie Jo but try to mix some happy memories of her in there somewhere too.

I hope you feel better soon. *hug*

Triumph said...

You did the right thing, write out exactly how you are feeling. I totally understand the loneliness, I endured infertility for over 10 years and that was exactly how I felt most of the time.

Hang tough in there, things usually get better and they make us better people.

Sending you hugs.

Carolyne said...

I hope you don't mind me posting a few words (I found your blog through LFCA)
Don't apologise for saying how you feel. Blogs are for that purpose.. spilling your thoughts and emotions. The bonus is that there are often folk that offer kind words of support and encouragement along the way.
I'm sorry to hear about the recent passing of your beloved Katie - By the picture I saw she was a beautiful dog.
I hope you begin to feel better soon. Take care.

JamieD said...

I am so very sorry you are feeling this way. And never apologize for blogging how you feel! When I get stuck in a rut or am in a bad place in my head, I would always blog about it to get it out of my mind. At one point, I worried that people who read my blog would think I was crazy or unstable because I never posted about happy things. But I always needed my blog the most as an outlet for the bad things.

I know how much you miss Katie Jo - I still miss Orion terribly and it has been since May that we had to put him to sleep. There is something about the unconditional love and companionship you get from a pet. Even though I knew Hubby and my friends were still here for me, I wanted Orion to curl up with and talk to.

I hope you are finding your way out of this dark place. Holding you in my heart . . .

And blog away, sister.

In Due Time said...

I'm thinking about you Send me an email if you need to talk.

Love you. Hugs. xoxo

Sunny said...

The universe has indeed heaped a crappy year upon you. You can be grateful for your blessings and still ache for the pain of what you've been through. I wish there was something I could do -- win millions in the lottery and send you all the money for an IVF! Until that happens, I'll be praying for you to have strength and asking the universe to cut you some slack.

nh said...

Here from LFCA

I do what you do - I blog, and then I blog some more and keep on going until I make some sense of my feelings. Just know that you are not alone, and even when we can do nothing here on the internet will can sit and stay with you. Sending you lots of hugs and good things.

Another Dreamer said...

Sorry hun. Lots of (*hugs*) I know that times are tough right now, and things seem at their lowest... but you will get through this.

I am thinking of you.

Barb said...

I do understand sweetie. And I bet a lot of other people do too even if for different reasons.

Love to you.

Chickenpig said...

You're already feeling down, don't smack yourself for feeling down. There are people who have it worse, sure, but you've got a right to your feelings and everyone deserves to wallow once in a while. My husband and I recently had to put a beloved dog down, and a lot of people just don't understand how much it hurts. You lost a member of your family and you need time to grieve and to heal. Don't be hard on yourself.

When everything had me down, especially the no baby part, I did what Damara suggested and threw myself into creative mode. Around this time of year I go crazy thinking about ways to decorate and garden around my house for fall and Halloween. The same at Christmas time and so on and so on. Making something beautiful and trying to surround myself with beauty helped me focus away from "what I would be doing if....". It helps to move things along and to get unstuck.

Bluebird said...

"You would think after 9 years of this infertility CRAP I would be a pro."

You would think so, wouldn't you? :) But honestly, I think everyone would agree its the exact opposite. Sure, you might get better at faking a smile, but on the inside. . . it just continues to break you down and wear you out.

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. I hope that writing was able to bring you a few moments of peace. You know we're always here to listen :)

iamstacey said...

Oh, honey, you're grieving and it's ok. And your blog is just the place to talk about it. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. I folded after just a bad week, but you're still going after a really rough year. It's gotta turn around soon, right? I'm hopin' for both of us.