I have so many things on mind lately but I haven't been able to really figure out how to get them into words. I can put down one sentence and then I am stuck...
I feel lonely yet I am not alone. I am surrounded by people who love me yet I have this aching loneliness that won't go away. I hesitate to write that because I don't want to hurt those around me like they are not enough for me or something, because that is not it. I don't want DH to ever feel like I am not happy with him because if I had a choice of being with him and never having kids or not being with him and having kids...I would choose him everyday of the week and twice on Sunday's... But my heart still aches.
It is an ache that I can't even describe because nothing seems to do it justice. Sometimes it just takes my breath away. I just read a post that I had started but did not finish. It was just 2 days before we put Katie Jo down. It talked about how good she was doing. It makes my heart ache for her even more. I feel like people are thinking...just get over it already...but I can't right now. In my world, there are no babies, I only have my fur babies, and I just lost one.
On the outside I am fine...on the inside my mind is spinning, my heart is broken and I just do not have a clue on how to fix either of those things. In a review of the last year of my life, it has pretty much sucked! I fell and hurt my back pretty bad. No babies. People I thought were my friends stabbed me in the back. I lost my job. No babies. I lost my car. I lost my dog. I may lose my house. Did I mention no babies? and no hope for one anytime soon? I'm one year older but feel like I am going backwards (hey, maybe I could write a country song). Yet with all these things I still feel like a whiny brat because I know so many people have it so much worse. I should count my blessings...I do have many. Yet right now the record in my head is skipping at "Why me?". I don't know how to get unstuck. You would think after 9 years of this infertility CRAP I would be a pro.
Maybe just typing this out and finally getting it out of my head will help. What do you do when you are stuck and feeling down, to feel better?
Sorry if this sounded like a jumbled mess but that is what my mind feels like lately.