Ah the "what if" game...it is a game I am a master at...a game I can play all day long without even really trying. I have run through so many "what if", sometimes I think I belong in the looney bin.
What if - Someone would have listened to me earlier when I told them I had PCOS but they assured me no I didn't only to find out 4 years later YES in fact I did.
What if - I had money to spend on the infertility treatments?
What if - I would have not listened to all the health classes in school that told me I could get pregnant at a drop of a hat and therefore I protected myself all those years. Ha what a joke that turned out to be...
What if - I did not lose 4 babies?
What if - what if - WHAT IF?
I could do this all day long but the biggest what if to me, and I am sure it is common amongst most (if not all) us infertiles, is What if I never become a mom? Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I do not know if I can live with that. I can not imagine the rest of my life without a child, and hopefully multiple children, in it.
It strikes me sometimes when I hear people talking about children, how common having children is. It is normal for most every person yet I can not seem to get there. I never imagined my life without children. I can't picture just me and my hubby for the rest of our lives. Although, 10 years ago when I started this journey I never imagined I would make it through all that I have made it through.
When I started I thought...What if I am right that I can't have children without medical assistance. I can't live with that." But I found I couldn't and I have lived through it.
When I started clomid I thought What if this does not work? There is no way I can do shots myself. I hate needles. I will not be able to handle it." Clomid did not work. I have since "shot myself up" with all kinds of stuff. Done all kinds of procedures. I am still here.
When I got pregnant the first time I thought "what if I lose this baby? No that would never happen because God knows what I have been through and surely he knows I CAN NOT HANDLE that. It would be so utterly unfair and heartbreaking I would surely not make it". I lost that baby. I am still kicking.
When I got pregnant the 2nd time I thought What if I go through another loss? No way would this happen to me again. My heart can not take it." I lost that one...my heart is still ticking.
When I got pregnant the 3rd time I thought What if I am one of those people that have miscarriage after miscarriage. I can't be one of "those people" I can't do it. My heart will be shattered and I will surely die"
I lost that one and the next and yet I am still here. Making it.
So now my biggest what if is What if I never become a mom? It repeats in my head like a broken record yet I am terrified of what life would be if I never get to have a child but I am also TERRIFIED to really keep thinking that because everytime I though I would never make it through. The worst(at that time) happened and I am still here alive, my heart still in one piece although sometime it does not feel fully intact. I am still TRYING to move forward. I am still living life. So it was almost like those things happen just to show me what I thought I could not do, I could. So I am afraid to think of What if I do not become a mom? Because I am TERRIFIED I will find out.
Maybe, I need to start thinking..."What if I have to have kids...man that would suck!" The problem with that is I could never get my head or heart to believe it so I do not think it will work. UGH I HATE "WHAT IF"!!!!
The better "What if" would be..."What if my biggest fear never comes true? What if my hubby gets to be the WONDERFUL dad I know he will be? What if we get to have some beautiful children and live happily ever after?" Ahhh now tose are some "what ifs" that I can get behind! Oh to dream...
It is National Infertility Awareness Week to find out more about infertility please visit RESOLVE or for the history of National Infertility Awareness Week click on this link.
To participate in Project IF - What if... go visit Mel's place and read this post with all the background and info. I hope all of us that have to play this "What if" game get to see that are worst fears were unfounded and all our dreams really do come true! Much love and hugs to all my infertility brothers and sisters. You are all the support that keeps me going when I think I can't anymore. Thank you!
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
It was in the movie. It MUST be true! ;0
So I had a pretty boring weekend. Yesterday was rainy and just plain blah. Just watched movies with hubby. He is very excited because in 1 week he will be on vacation. We, of course, are not doing anything but he definitely needs and deserves the time off.
We went and got a 2nd opinion from another lawyer at the end of last week. This lawyer said we COULD claim chapter 7. Now I am confused. I did not want to tell him we saw another lawyer so I just kept asking are you sure? He said yes. So we are going to go with him but I am going to expect that when he actually crunches the numbers he will see that we have to do chapter 13. I will expect that and be happy if that does not happen. We have an appointment 04/07 to get everything officially rolling. I can not wait til it is over!
On the lighter side of things...I just wanted to tell all of you I have found some answers that I have been seeking for a long time...
Saturday, I went to my sisters to see my nephews and when they went to bed her and i watched a movie. Have any of you seen The Time Trave.ler's Wife? Well don't if you haven't it was a BIG waste of time! It was a terrible movie but it wa in this movie I found my answers. See the woman had a miscarriage and at first I was like...great not again. It seems they are sticking this in every movie and show lately. Then she had multiple miscarriages and they figured it out that the reason she was having these miscarriages was because the baby had the same thing the father did and so the baby was time traveling outside of the womb and when this happened since the baby was not developed yet of course she miscarried. It was the that a light bulb went off in my head...Ah HAH that is the answer! Many doctors have not been able to figure why I "habitually miscarry". Now I am going to make an appointment and tell them about this new found information. I am sure they never thought of this but I am equally sure now that this is my problem!!! If only this movie would have come out earlier I probably could have avoided so much heart break. I suggest all of you who have had the same issues go get this checked out immediately. All of our babies are having a "time travel" party. They are al meeting somewhere and having the time of their lives. I am not sure why they do not test for this right away. It seems so obvious....HAHAHAHAHA!!!
My sis and I laughed a lot about this. She said she would like to be there if I go tell my doc this. I think he might have me committed...but I am pretty sure they would not put this stuff in a movie if it wasn't true. Right?
Gotta have a sense of humor about this stuff or I think I would snap.
Anyway, I hope all of you are well and had a great weekend!
xxooxxoo
We went and got a 2nd opinion from another lawyer at the end of last week. This lawyer said we COULD claim chapter 7. Now I am confused. I did not want to tell him we saw another lawyer so I just kept asking are you sure? He said yes. So we are going to go with him but I am going to expect that when he actually crunches the numbers he will see that we have to do chapter 13. I will expect that and be happy if that does not happen. We have an appointment 04/07 to get everything officially rolling. I can not wait til it is over!
On the lighter side of things...I just wanted to tell all of you I have found some answers that I have been seeking for a long time...
Saturday, I went to my sisters to see my nephews and when they went to bed her and i watched a movie. Have any of you seen The Time Trave.ler's Wife? Well don't if you haven't it was a BIG waste of time! It was a terrible movie but it wa in this movie I found my answers. See the woman had a miscarriage and at first I was like...great not again. It seems they are sticking this in every movie and show lately. Then she had multiple miscarriages and they figured it out that the reason she was having these miscarriages was because the baby had the same thing the father did and so the baby was time traveling outside of the womb and when this happened since the baby was not developed yet of course she miscarried. It was the that a light bulb went off in my head...Ah HAH that is the answer! Many doctors have not been able to figure why I "habitually miscarry". Now I am going to make an appointment and tell them about this new found information. I am sure they never thought of this but I am equally sure now that this is my problem!!! If only this movie would have come out earlier I probably could have avoided so much heart break. I suggest all of you who have had the same issues go get this checked out immediately. All of our babies are having a "time travel" party. They are al meeting somewhere and having the time of their lives. I am not sure why they do not test for this right away. It seems so obvious....HAHAHAHAHA!!!
My sis and I laughed a lot about this. She said she would like to be there if I go tell my doc this. I think he might have me committed...but I am pretty sure they would not put this stuff in a movie if it wasn't true. Right?
Gotta have a sense of humor about this stuff or I think I would snap.
Anyway, I hope all of you are well and had a great weekend!
xxooxxoo
Monday, February 22, 2010
Blind Sided
So here I am or was, on a Sunday night watching some of my favorite shows. The last week...because of the Olympics have pretty much been reruns except for the few crazy, crap TV, reality shows I watch and one or 2 others,. So I was excited last night that some good new shows were on.
1 was the Amaz.ing Race and Unde.rcover Boss, which BTW I think every CEO should do. If you did not start from the bottom in your company and work your way up then you should go out and get a taste of what it is REALLY like for the average everyday Joe out in the world. It always cracks me up when the CEO announce to all the other "higher ups" that he is going to go undercover they always say, "is there something you think you can learn better by going undercover rather then just going in as yourself?" UM DUH I don't know if this is just me but it seems to be common sense that you would learn more going undercover. I know when I was told the "big boss" was coming we made sure everything was in tip top condition. We did EXACTLY what we were suppose to do and when asked questions we answered them in a straight forward fashion...not really saying what you REALLY would like to say because lets face it...you would like to keep your job. So I do not know why they ask that question...but I digress.
10:00 rolls around and one of my favorite shows, "Brot.hers ans S1sters" comes on. First, let me say, if you are in a bad place and you watch this show but have not yet...DON'T...or be fore warned this is going to be a SPOILER. This show has been a good show they showed Kitty losing a pregnancy and turning to adoption which I liked that they did it that way...they did not have her bounce back and get pregnant again right away like it was no big deal. They have the gay brother and his husband using a surrogate (who happens to be Whitney's from The Hi.lls and The Cit.y CRAZY friend and roommate). Anyway so they show different aspects of getting pregnant...not all is rosey.
Now Rebecca got pregnant and they have been showing the struggle with Justin not being ready, but all was starting to work out until last night. Rebecca is in the kitchen and all of sudden she feels cramps or something and says she needs to go to the hospital because something is wrong with the baby. I think nothing of it. They already did the miscarriage thing...
After they come back from commercial they show her in the hospital bed. Nora is asking her to drink some water and she says she is not thirsty. I still do not get it. I think drink the water, you are pregnant and maybe you are dehydrated and that is not good. Then they talk some more and WHAM it hits me...She lost the baby! Blind sided I started bawling, which is silly I mean it is just a show after all and I did not react like this when Kitty lost her baby. Watching her lay in the hospital bed just saying she would much rather be at home. Asking Justin to turn on the TV when he is trying to say anything to make it better but failing miserably. I felt the pain in my gut...in my heart. It brought me back to the hospital the first time. It is why now I avoid the hospital when having a miscarriage if at all possible. There is nothing they can do there except confirm your worst fears. Make you sit there for hours and hours for no good reason and all you want to do is go home crawl into bed and never wake up. She says she wants to go home and pretend it never happened...oh if only it were that easy...
Later they show her going to Kitty's announcement to the press that she is going to run for senator and Rebecca comes in to her holding her baby. The look in her eyes just showed exactly what we all feel when we see that. She put a smile on her face like we all do but she tried to get out of there fast!
The one that got me the most was, she is making Justin's favorite brownie recipe she got from his mom for Valentine's Day. He comes in having ran around town getting all her favorite foods from a million different places. He tells her to eat he will finish the brownies. She saysNO...he keeps trying and then she says... (paraphrased)I NEED TO DO THIS. I planned on doing this. I got the recipe from your mom. I bought the best chocolate. I need to do this because I PLANNED to do this and I NEED something to work out like I planned. This statement hit me HARD! I know all too well what this feels like but I realized that since that day 5 years ago when I lost my first angel and the 3 others since then...nothing will ever go as planned because everything I have done or will do since then does not involve my child and THAT DEFINITELY IS NOT HOW I PLANNED IT!...and that really sucks!
I was a mess for a while after the show. It just shocks me sometimes how this grief thing can just hit you from out of no where. From a TV show that is not real I get the wind knocked out of me. Just when you think you got it all under control grief jabs you in the gut and says "hey DON"T forget about me.!" and you just never know when that is going to be. Well I just have to say, don't worry grief...there is no forgetting here.
1 was the Amaz.ing Race and Unde.rcover Boss, which BTW I think every CEO should do. If you did not start from the bottom in your company and work your way up then you should go out and get a taste of what it is REALLY like for the average everyday Joe out in the world. It always cracks me up when the CEO announce to all the other "higher ups" that he is going to go undercover they always say, "is there something you think you can learn better by going undercover rather then just going in as yourself?" UM DUH I don't know if this is just me but it seems to be common sense that you would learn more going undercover. I know when I was told the "big boss" was coming we made sure everything was in tip top condition. We did EXACTLY what we were suppose to do and when asked questions we answered them in a straight forward fashion...not really saying what you REALLY would like to say because lets face it...you would like to keep your job. So I do not know why they ask that question...but I digress.
10:00 rolls around and one of my favorite shows, "Brot.hers ans S1sters" comes on. First, let me say, if you are in a bad place and you watch this show but have not yet...DON'T...or be fore warned this is going to be a SPOILER. This show has been a good show they showed Kitty losing a pregnancy and turning to adoption which I liked that they did it that way...they did not have her bounce back and get pregnant again right away like it was no big deal. They have the gay brother and his husband using a surrogate (who happens to be Whitney's from The Hi.lls and The Cit.y CRAZY friend and roommate). Anyway so they show different aspects of getting pregnant...not all is rosey.
Now Rebecca got pregnant and they have been showing the struggle with Justin not being ready, but all was starting to work out until last night. Rebecca is in the kitchen and all of sudden she feels cramps or something and says she needs to go to the hospital because something is wrong with the baby. I think nothing of it. They already did the miscarriage thing...
After they come back from commercial they show her in the hospital bed. Nora is asking her to drink some water and she says she is not thirsty. I still do not get it. I think drink the water, you are pregnant and maybe you are dehydrated and that is not good. Then they talk some more and WHAM it hits me...She lost the baby! Blind sided I started bawling, which is silly I mean it is just a show after all and I did not react like this when Kitty lost her baby. Watching her lay in the hospital bed just saying she would much rather be at home. Asking Justin to turn on the TV when he is trying to say anything to make it better but failing miserably. I felt the pain in my gut...in my heart. It brought me back to the hospital the first time. It is why now I avoid the hospital when having a miscarriage if at all possible. There is nothing they can do there except confirm your worst fears. Make you sit there for hours and hours for no good reason and all you want to do is go home crawl into bed and never wake up. She says she wants to go home and pretend it never happened...oh if only it were that easy...
Later they show her going to Kitty's announcement to the press that she is going to run for senator and Rebecca comes in to her holding her baby. The look in her eyes just showed exactly what we all feel when we see that. She put a smile on her face like we all do but she tried to get out of there fast!
The one that got me the most was, she is making Justin's favorite brownie recipe she got from his mom for Valentine's Day. He comes in having ran around town getting all her favorite foods from a million different places. He tells her to eat he will finish the brownies. She saysNO...he keeps trying and then she says... (paraphrased)I NEED TO DO THIS. I planned on doing this. I got the recipe from your mom. I bought the best chocolate. I need to do this because I PLANNED to do this and I NEED something to work out like I planned. This statement hit me HARD! I know all too well what this feels like but I realized that since that day 5 years ago when I lost my first angel and the 3 others since then...nothing will ever go as planned because everything I have done or will do since then does not involve my child and THAT DEFINITELY IS NOT HOW I PLANNED IT!...and that really sucks!
I was a mess for a while after the show. It just shocks me sometimes how this grief thing can just hit you from out of no where. From a TV show that is not real I get the wind knocked out of me. Just when you think you got it all under control grief jabs you in the gut and says "hey DON"T forget about me.!" and you just never know when that is going to be. Well I just have to say, don't worry grief...there is no forgetting here.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Happy day...Sad day
So today is DH birthday! To my rock, the love of my life, and the greatest man I have ever known...Happy Birthday! I love you so much. I do not know what I would do without you.
Today, also happens to be the anniversary of my first loss. The first time that all my dreams for what life would be, came crashing down around me. It was a day I will never forget. I am just so sorry it also happens to be on DH birthday. What a crappy reminder!
It is hard to pretend like today is just a happy day and we need to celebrate, but I do it. I do it for him because he deserves it. He deserves a day to not talk about or think about the fact that our dreams may never come true. He deserves for today NOT to be a reminder that 5 years ago was one of the worst days of our lives. That I did not drop to my knees when I got the phone call and screamed louder then I thought possible, BEGGING for it to not be true! We won't talk about how I dragged him to the hospital that day because I did not want to believe it! I wanted someone else to tell me that the doctor was ALL WRONG! So I dragged him to the hospital and sat there for hours only to be told that they could not see anything. They said it was probably too early as I was only 6 weeks. (I did not tell them that I was already told I had a miscarriage). When they told me, they probably wondered why I burst into tears. It is because I knew the truth...
We won't talk about that today. Today will be a day for him. A day that we celebrate the man I LOVE MORE THEN ANYTHING!!
Tomorrow we will remember and be sad...
xxooxxoo
Today, also happens to be the anniversary of my first loss. The first time that all my dreams for what life would be, came crashing down around me. It was a day I will never forget. I am just so sorry it also happens to be on DH birthday. What a crappy reminder!
It is hard to pretend like today is just a happy day and we need to celebrate, but I do it. I do it for him because he deserves it. He deserves a day to not talk about or think about the fact that our dreams may never come true. He deserves for today NOT to be a reminder that 5 years ago was one of the worst days of our lives. That I did not drop to my knees when I got the phone call and screamed louder then I thought possible, BEGGING for it to not be true! We won't talk about how I dragged him to the hospital that day because I did not want to believe it! I wanted someone else to tell me that the doctor was ALL WRONG! So I dragged him to the hospital and sat there for hours only to be told that they could not see anything. They said it was probably too early as I was only 6 weeks. (I did not tell them that I was already told I had a miscarriage). When they told me, they probably wondered why I burst into tears. It is because I knew the truth...
We won't talk about that today. Today will be a day for him. A day that we celebrate the man I LOVE MORE THEN ANYTHING!!
Tomorrow we will remember and be sad...
xxooxxoo
Friday, September 11, 2009
Remembering
Today is a day of remembrance for everyone. A day where you think back to what you were doing when you heard or saw those horrific images on the screen. People screaming, dust covered, crying confused... I remember like it was yesterday. I can't believe it has been 8 years. The days following, I wondered how would we make it through this. It was scary...but we did it.
Today is also the day where I remember...I remember that I have an angel that should be 4 yrs old today. My first...suppose to be born...now my first...to be lost. I remember what I felt. I was screaming and crying and begging for things to be different. I wondered if I could possibly make it through all that pain...some how I did. It was scary...but I did it.
So today I remember all those that lost their lives on the horrific day. I remember the life that never came to be.
Even though I never got to see your face, hold you tight, hear you call me mommy...I love you my angel as if you were here for a lifetime!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Nice weekend
I had a very nice 4th of July. It was a nice distraction to the anniversary I was dreading. I did have a flash Friday when I heard fireworks going off of last year. I was sitting on my porch with DH while the fireworks were going off. In our neighborhood it is like the first day of the war in Bagh.dad. We don't need to go to fireworks shows because we have them in my neighboorhood. My poor dog is just terrified! Anyway, I was sitting on the porch reading one of my many books on infertility, miscarriages, and PCOS. I was searching and searching for anyway that the pregnancy was not ending. Any sign that the doctors had it all wrong. Somehow it just had to be wrong! I could not be going through this for the 4th time. As you all now how it ended up, I did not find the answer I was searching for and 3 days later I went for my methotre.xate shot and just like that it was over. I never even had time to hope or be excited because I pretty much found out it was ectopic the day after I got a positive pregnancy test. At the time it just seemed so cruel...why even give me a positive test when it wasn't even going to last. I know now it was to save me from much worse because if the ectopic went on then I probably would have lost a tube or something. Luckily they caught it early enough. I guess that is one good thing about going through all this. I am pretty in tune to what is going on with my body.
Anyway, yesterday was nice. We went to my MIL and my SIL was there with her 2 month old. Surprisingly I did not have a hard time with it. The baby was just so CUTE! I think he is one of the most well behaved babies I have ever seen. He did not cry all day! All he did was smile and let out little giggles. I had a nice talk with my MIL. She is having a hard time because she had to put her mom in a nursing home. But let me tell you it is a very nice place. I was very surprised because it was covered by Medi.ca1d and I just pictured most of those as not good places. She feels guilty but I think it is the best thing for her. She will have people to talk to and to take care of her. They have a movie place, bowling lanes, ice cream parlor, rec room, they take them on shopping trips. It sounds and looks nice. It is close by us so DH and I are going to visit often.
So we BBQed and then last night went to my sisters and played with my nephews and then we played cards when the kids went to bed. Today I woke up and decided to pull everything out of my kitchen cabinets and scrub them down. It always seems like a good idea until you are about half way through and then realize you really do not want to do this anymore. I do feel so much better though. They really needed it. I think I am going to do that with everything in my house and just take it bit by bit rather then all in one day. I have the time now since I do not have a job. I feel guilty if I don't do anything and hubby is out working.
That is all I have for now. I hope you all had a great weekend!
Anyway, yesterday was nice. We went to my MIL and my SIL was there with her 2 month old. Surprisingly I did not have a hard time with it. The baby was just so CUTE! I think he is one of the most well behaved babies I have ever seen. He did not cry all day! All he did was smile and let out little giggles. I had a nice talk with my MIL. She is having a hard time because she had to put her mom in a nursing home. But let me tell you it is a very nice place. I was very surprised because it was covered by Medi.ca1d and I just pictured most of those as not good places. She feels guilty but I think it is the best thing for her. She will have people to talk to and to take care of her. They have a movie place, bowling lanes, ice cream parlor, rec room, they take them on shopping trips. It sounds and looks nice. It is close by us so DH and I are going to visit often.
So we BBQed and then last night went to my sisters and played with my nephews and then we played cards when the kids went to bed. Today I woke up and decided to pull everything out of my kitchen cabinets and scrub them down. It always seems like a good idea until you are about half way through and then realize you really do not want to do this anymore. I do feel so much better though. They really needed it. I think I am going to do that with everything in my house and just take it bit by bit rather then all in one day. I have the time now since I do not have a job. I feel guilty if I don't do anything and hubby is out working.
That is all I have for now. I hope you all had a great weekend!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Dear 18 year old me
I have seen this a few times on other blogs and have thought about it for a while. People writing a letter to their younger selves. What would I say? Well I think it is a good idea and apparently I have a lot to say...
Dear 18 year old me,
Wow you just turned 18. Savor this next year. So much is going to happen. First off tonight your grandmother is going to come over and yet again try to get you to make up with your father. Remember this is her son what else is she going to do, but also be prepared later she can do much worse. You will find out though that your mother is going to be quick to defend you, she wants you to have a happy night. Go mom! Enjoy your party tonight at the hotel but please do not waste it wishing you were with C. It is not worth it. You will love each other but not the love that will sustain a marriage, one that will always sustain a friendship and he will be there to get you through some of the worst times in your life. One day believe it or not he will be in your wedding. Your husband and he will be great friends.
Soon you are going to graduate high school. Cherish this time because most of these people will not be in your life later. They were great for this time in your life but your true friends will come later. You will miss a few, even now as I write this at 35 there are a couple I still wish were in my life and it is going to be hard to accept when people go their separate ways but you will also come to understand that it is what people do. Like I said your real life long friends will come later and they will be ones that will see you through everything. They will lift you when you are down, they will make you laugh and smile even when you think it is not possible.
You are going to enter college and the man you thought you would marry will break your heart but guess what...you will see him later and realize it was the best thing that could have happened to you. I know you do not believe me now because he is one gorgeous man and he says all the right things but trust me it will be for the best!
Have fun for these first few months in college because on your 19th birthday your world is going to come crashing down on you. This is the one thing that I wish I could have you warn some people about so that it would not happen, but sadly I can not. You will not think that your family will survive...but you all WILL. You will all come out stronger people. Really...if you could see everything now you would be amazed how it all turns out. Luckily the day your world crashes your friends from High school will be on there way to celebrate your birthday and they will keep you from falling apart you will get really drunk and then they will take you home to see your family, even getting a speeding ticket in the process...sorry B but thanks.
The one thing I really need you to remember and it is very very important. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!! IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! The unfortunate thing is you will spend the next 10 years blaming yourself every day. Wishing there was something you could have done. What if you would have paid attention or noticed this or that but There is NOTHING you could of done. It breaks my heart to know you will go through that because I know that once you realize it wasn't your fault it is going to change your relationship for the better with your sis and you will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I only wish it would of happened sooner.
There will be a couple casualties (not literally). After have given your "father" a second chance he will yet again let you down in a big way and more importantly let your sister down in an even bigger way and even today you never have spoken or even seen him. It is sad that he won't be at your wedding but really you won't miss it at all! You do come to understand why he is the way is but you also know that you can not have that poison in your life because it just causes more heartache then necessary. Also due to their craziness, some REALLY BAD things they do and unyielding support of him you will never see or speak to you Aunt or grandmother again either. Really it is not a problem.
You will only have one short year away at college but it will be a lot of fun. Maybe try a little harder to remember dome actual classes and what you learned because just the other day your DH asks you what you remember from college and all you can recall is the endless guys and parties and getting drunk. PS don't do 20 shots of teq.uilla in an hour before you go the bar on a cold January night. it is a BAD idea and your elevators in your dorm are broken and it is a long 8 flights up.
When you get home you will get a job and on the day you start a guy will start on the same day. He will be the love of your life. I know when you meet him at first you will the think your 35 year old self must be writing a letter from the crazy house because he is really not your type but trust me on this one...He is the greatest man you will ever know! He will stick by you during some really bad times, when even you do not deserve such love and devotion. He will be your rock and your salvation. You can be yourself with him and he will still love you ( I know I must be crazy right?). Through him you will find out what love truely is and you will cherish him and love him with all your heart.
I would tell you to avoid some things that you did but really I don't know what you would have become if you had not gone through them. They made you who you, I, am today. You will think you are not going to come out of that either but trust me you will. Your DH, boyfriend at the time, will stick by you and you will become a much better person. It will be a long hard road back but you will get there.
When you are 26 you will finally get married. Do not fret to much that your sister gets married the year before you because in the end it really does not matter. Don't sweat the small stuff. Believe me you have much bigger things to sweat.
You will think that you have been through some hard times and now all roads must lead up but unfortunately this is not true because you are in for some much bigger heartache then you ever thought possible and considering all you have been through I know that is hard to believe.
You will start trying to have a baby immediately when you get married. After all you have already been together for 7 yrs why wait. Shhh don't tell anyone but actually after a "pregnancy scare" you will try before you get married. Boy if you knew what I know now it wouldn't have been much of a scare.
The key here is DON"T WAIT to find out why you can't get pregnant. Unfortunately you will for a bit longer then you should. It is all based in fear because you really don't want to know the truth. The truth is you will be diagnosed with PCOS. It is not fun at all but I won't bore you with all the details, you will find out soon enough.
You will find out that your sis gets pregnant before you and that will be crushing because you have been trying for so long and she is younger. But luckily you and her, after many years of not getting along, will be mending your relationship. Although you will be sad for yourself you will TRULY be happy for her and excited for baby Jos.ef to arrive! You become pregnant right after she does and you are so happy to be able to share pregnancy with her but the excitement will be short lived because you will lose that baby within 5-6 weeks. It will happen right on DH birthday and it will be devastating!
You heart will be broken but you WILL SURVIVE!!!! I will again not bore you with the details or scare you away but for the next 3 consecutive years you will lose one baby each time and each time you will think it is not possible for your heart to mend. You will think that it is too hard to go on and you will surely die from all the pain (but I don't mean you will think to kill yourself). What I really want you to know is that it is not true. You will go on. Some days will be harder then others but you WILL make it! And after your 4th loss you will find a community that finally understands what you feel like. You will find lots of friend that you have never met IRL that will offer unconditional love and support and know what it is like to be you. They have been through it too and some have been through much worse and will truly amaze you. My only wish is that you could find them sooner because they have changed my life.
Anyway, I wrote this letter not to scare you and not to try to change things but to let you know that you will go through some rough times but I really NEED you to know that you will come out a stronger person. Sometimes it will feel very unfair but always remember that through it all you still are a VERY blessed person! You will also experience some wonderfully HAPPY times but I do not want to spoil the surprise. You have an AMAZING husband! You have friends that many people wish they could have! You have a good job (although sometimes you hate it and times are tough in the industry right now). You have 2 dogs, 1 cat, and 2 birds (no it is not a zoo)who love you unconditionally and will make you smile everyday! You find a house that you really like and you will be amazed at how it happens. You have a wonderful family (although you may question your mothers sanity at times) and your best friend ends up being...I know you will never believe this...your sister (YES mom was right all along when you were younger) crazy huh! You have 2 nephews by the time you are 35 and they are just the light and joy of your heart. They too love you so very much and you are so happy to be their Aunt and have them in your life.
You will miss your angels so very much and you WILL think of them every day and wish they could be here. On the days that you are really down just remember you are blessed...you are blessed...YOU ARE BLESSED!
So my naive 18 year old self who thinks everything will always work out and always be good. I just want you to know things may not always be good and they may not always work out they way you want but you will make it, have faith and I will be here to welcome you to 35. You are going to hate turning 35 but it is just a number. When you get here we will take a step towards the future and I am sure together we can figure out how to get that baby we want so bad.
I love you,
35 yr old you
Dear 18 year old me,
Wow you just turned 18. Savor this next year. So much is going to happen. First off tonight your grandmother is going to come over and yet again try to get you to make up with your father. Remember this is her son what else is she going to do, but also be prepared later she can do much worse. You will find out though that your mother is going to be quick to defend you, she wants you to have a happy night. Go mom! Enjoy your party tonight at the hotel but please do not waste it wishing you were with C. It is not worth it. You will love each other but not the love that will sustain a marriage, one that will always sustain a friendship and he will be there to get you through some of the worst times in your life. One day believe it or not he will be in your wedding. Your husband and he will be great friends.
Soon you are going to graduate high school. Cherish this time because most of these people will not be in your life later. They were great for this time in your life but your true friends will come later. You will miss a few, even now as I write this at 35 there are a couple I still wish were in my life and it is going to be hard to accept when people go their separate ways but you will also come to understand that it is what people do. Like I said your real life long friends will come later and they will be ones that will see you through everything. They will lift you when you are down, they will make you laugh and smile even when you think it is not possible.
You are going to enter college and the man you thought you would marry will break your heart but guess what...you will see him later and realize it was the best thing that could have happened to you. I know you do not believe me now because he is one gorgeous man and he says all the right things but trust me it will be for the best!
Have fun for these first few months in college because on your 19th birthday your world is going to come crashing down on you. This is the one thing that I wish I could have you warn some people about so that it would not happen, but sadly I can not. You will not think that your family will survive...but you all WILL. You will all come out stronger people. Really...if you could see everything now you would be amazed how it all turns out. Luckily the day your world crashes your friends from High school will be on there way to celebrate your birthday and they will keep you from falling apart you will get really drunk and then they will take you home to see your family, even getting a speeding ticket in the process...sorry B but thanks.
The one thing I really need you to remember and it is very very important. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!! IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! The unfortunate thing is you will spend the next 10 years blaming yourself every day. Wishing there was something you could have done. What if you would have paid attention or noticed this or that but There is NOTHING you could of done. It breaks my heart to know you will go through that because I know that once you realize it wasn't your fault it is going to change your relationship for the better with your sis and you will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I only wish it would of happened sooner.
There will be a couple casualties (not literally). After have given your "father" a second chance he will yet again let you down in a big way and more importantly let your sister down in an even bigger way and even today you never have spoken or even seen him. It is sad that he won't be at your wedding but really you won't miss it at all! You do come to understand why he is the way is but you also know that you can not have that poison in your life because it just causes more heartache then necessary. Also due to their craziness, some REALLY BAD things they do and unyielding support of him you will never see or speak to you Aunt or grandmother again either. Really it is not a problem.
You will only have one short year away at college but it will be a lot of fun. Maybe try a little harder to remember dome actual classes and what you learned because just the other day your DH asks you what you remember from college and all you can recall is the endless guys and parties and getting drunk. PS don't do 20 shots of teq.uilla in an hour before you go the bar on a cold January night. it is a BAD idea and your elevators in your dorm are broken and it is a long 8 flights up.
When you get home you will get a job and on the day you start a guy will start on the same day. He will be the love of your life. I know when you meet him at first you will the think your 35 year old self must be writing a letter from the crazy house because he is really not your type but trust me on this one...He is the greatest man you will ever know! He will stick by you during some really bad times, when even you do not deserve such love and devotion. He will be your rock and your salvation. You can be yourself with him and he will still love you ( I know I must be crazy right?). Through him you will find out what love truely is and you will cherish him and love him with all your heart.
I would tell you to avoid some things that you did but really I don't know what you would have become if you had not gone through them. They made you who you, I, am today. You will think you are not going to come out of that either but trust me you will. Your DH, boyfriend at the time, will stick by you and you will become a much better person. It will be a long hard road back but you will get there.
When you are 26 you will finally get married. Do not fret to much that your sister gets married the year before you because in the end it really does not matter. Don't sweat the small stuff. Believe me you have much bigger things to sweat.
You will think that you have been through some hard times and now all roads must lead up but unfortunately this is not true because you are in for some much bigger heartache then you ever thought possible and considering all you have been through I know that is hard to believe.
You will start trying to have a baby immediately when you get married. After all you have already been together for 7 yrs why wait. Shhh don't tell anyone but actually after a "pregnancy scare" you will try before you get married. Boy if you knew what I know now it wouldn't have been much of a scare.
The key here is DON"T WAIT to find out why you can't get pregnant. Unfortunately you will for a bit longer then you should. It is all based in fear because you really don't want to know the truth. The truth is you will be diagnosed with PCOS. It is not fun at all but I won't bore you with all the details, you will find out soon enough.
You will find out that your sis gets pregnant before you and that will be crushing because you have been trying for so long and she is younger. But luckily you and her, after many years of not getting along, will be mending your relationship. Although you will be sad for yourself you will TRULY be happy for her and excited for baby Jos.ef to arrive! You become pregnant right after she does and you are so happy to be able to share pregnancy with her but the excitement will be short lived because you will lose that baby within 5-6 weeks. It will happen right on DH birthday and it will be devastating!
You heart will be broken but you WILL SURVIVE!!!! I will again not bore you with the details or scare you away but for the next 3 consecutive years you will lose one baby each time and each time you will think it is not possible for your heart to mend. You will think that it is too hard to go on and you will surely die from all the pain (but I don't mean you will think to kill yourself). What I really want you to know is that it is not true. You will go on. Some days will be harder then others but you WILL make it! And after your 4th loss you will find a community that finally understands what you feel like. You will find lots of friend that you have never met IRL that will offer unconditional love and support and know what it is like to be you. They have been through it too and some have been through much worse and will truly amaze you. My only wish is that you could find them sooner because they have changed my life.
Anyway, I wrote this letter not to scare you and not to try to change things but to let you know that you will go through some rough times but I really NEED you to know that you will come out a stronger person. Sometimes it will feel very unfair but always remember that through it all you still are a VERY blessed person! You will also experience some wonderfully HAPPY times but I do not want to spoil the surprise. You have an AMAZING husband! You have friends that many people wish they could have! You have a good job (although sometimes you hate it and times are tough in the industry right now). You have 2 dogs, 1 cat, and 2 birds (no it is not a zoo)who love you unconditionally and will make you smile everyday! You find a house that you really like and you will be amazed at how it happens. You have a wonderful family (although you may question your mothers sanity at times) and your best friend ends up being...I know you will never believe this...your sister (YES mom was right all along when you were younger) crazy huh! You have 2 nephews by the time you are 35 and they are just the light and joy of your heart. They too love you so very much and you are so happy to be their Aunt and have them in your life.
You will miss your angels so very much and you WILL think of them every day and wish they could be here. On the days that you are really down just remember you are blessed...you are blessed...YOU ARE BLESSED!
So my naive 18 year old self who thinks everything will always work out and always be good. I just want you to know things may not always be good and they may not always work out they way you want but you will make it, have faith and I will be here to welcome you to 35. You are going to hate turning 35 but it is just a number. When you get here we will take a step towards the future and I am sure together we can figure out how to get that baby we want so bad.
I love you,
35 yr old you
Friday, May 15, 2009
Show and Tell
I am posting my show and tell early this week because I am just so excited about it! I received it today and I just could not wait.
Well remember last week on my Favorite things Friday I posted here about Cara and her first annual Walk to Remember! I was so excited about and about all Cara does! Please visit her here and show her love and support.
Well being the Oh so thoughtful person she is, she wanted to make sure to include the online community in her walk that could not be there on that day. She had a contest to give away one of the beautiful memory boxes her husband makes to the person wo could guess how many times she would shed a tear. And guess what? I got it! Right on the nose...4 times! Thanks Cara I knew you would come through for me. Really I never thought I would win because I really don't win things.
Anyway she was quick and today I received my memory box and also a surprise that included the T-shirt she had made up for the walk. When the mailman rang my doorbell my heart skipped a beat. I could not wait to open it. When I opened it I was flooded with emotion and started crying my eyes out. I was just so happy to finally have a place to keep all the cards and things I had to remember my four beautiful angels. They use to be tucked away neatly in a memory trunk that I have filled with everything I have collected through my 35 years of life. But these things deserve a proper place. A place of honor and a place that can be displayed in my home so my angels will never be forgotten. Not that I ever would forget but now all who enter my home will remember too!
Thank you so much Cara you have given me something I will CHERISH forever!!!
So without further adieu I bring you pictures of my new treasure...(please excuse the pictures they were done with a camera phone because my DH who has no tech saviness broke my camera)
The box...
the box with its new contents...
the box in its new place that can be seen when you walk in my door...
the front of the T-shirt. It reads (in case you can't tell):
Share Southern Vermont
Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Loss Support, Inc
First annual Memorial Walk
May 9th, 2009
The back:
I will wear it with pride!
Check out what everyone else is showing at the head of the class at Mel's place.
Well remember last week on my Favorite things Friday I posted here about Cara and her first annual Walk to Remember! I was so excited about and about all Cara does! Please visit her here and show her love and support.
Well being the Oh so thoughtful person she is, she wanted to make sure to include the online community in her walk that could not be there on that day. She had a contest to give away one of the beautiful memory boxes her husband makes to the person wo could guess how many times she would shed a tear. And guess what? I got it! Right on the nose...4 times! Thanks Cara I knew you would come through for me. Really I never thought I would win because I really don't win things.
Anyway she was quick and today I received my memory box and also a surprise that included the T-shirt she had made up for the walk. When the mailman rang my doorbell my heart skipped a beat. I could not wait to open it. When I opened it I was flooded with emotion and started crying my eyes out. I was just so happy to finally have a place to keep all the cards and things I had to remember my four beautiful angels. They use to be tucked away neatly in a memory trunk that I have filled with everything I have collected through my 35 years of life. But these things deserve a proper place. A place of honor and a place that can be displayed in my home so my angels will never be forgotten. Not that I ever would forget but now all who enter my home will remember too!
Thank you so much Cara you have given me something I will CHERISH forever!!!
So without further adieu I bring you pictures of my new treasure...(please excuse the pictures they were done with a camera phone because my DH who has no tech saviness broke my camera)
The box...
the box with its new contents...
the box in its new place that can be seen when you walk in my door...
the front of the T-shirt. It reads (in case you can't tell):
Share Southern Vermont
Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Loss Support, Inc
First annual Memorial Walk
May 9th, 2009
The back:
I will wear it with pride!
Check out what everyone else is showing at the head of the class at Mel's place.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Think before you speak
So when i went to the pain specialist last week I was greeted by an extremely pregnant woman. Let the fun begin... She starts talking about how she is do any minute and she CAN"T wait to have this baby because it has just been HORRIBLE! (I just not and smile politely but think shut up and get out). She talked about how she gets pregnant just by looking at her husband (thanks. Just what I want to hear.) Finally she stopped talking long enough to get some info from me and told me the doctor would be right in. I am not sure why she felt the need in the 10 minutes I was with her to give me her life (or last 9 mo) story but really? I know that when/if I am pregnant I will not talk about it to a complete stranger unless asked.
Queue doctor coming in...
Go through all my stuff and he is walking me to the room where I will get my shot and he says...
So who is taking care of your kids while you have been laid up?
I say: Don't have any
think: A%$#$le don't just assume I have children. I have already had it rubbed in my face once today.
Doctor: Well you are so lucky! You have things easy!
I say: Nothing
think: Yea if you consider 2 miscarriages, 2 ectopics, and the inability to have children and must pay 10's of thousands of dollars to have the HOPE of having a child lucky then I am the luckiest girl in the world.
People really need to think before they speak.
Queue doctor coming in...
Go through all my stuff and he is walking me to the room where I will get my shot and he says...
So who is taking care of your kids while you have been laid up?
I say: Don't have any
think: A%$#$le don't just assume I have children. I have already had it rubbed in my face once today.
Doctor: Well you are so lucky! You have things easy!
I say: Nothing
think: Yea if you consider 2 miscarriages, 2 ectopics, and the inability to have children and must pay 10's of thousands of dollars to have the HOPE of having a child lucky then I am the luckiest girl in the world.
People really need to think before they speak.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Worst place for an infertile
"I haven't been here since that day." I said.
DH: " I know. I remember too well."
Then silence for the rest of our 40 minute drive to my OB's office. My OB was not available so they had another one check me out today. This is office is in the same building as my PCP however it is on the 2nd floor. I had not been THERE since THAT day and until the moment I walked into the office I never gave it a second thought.
"I think I will need to update my information. I haven't been here since 2006." I said.
As I was updating my information and watching smiling pregnant women walk in and out and still smiling. It amazed me. I don't think that has really ever happened to me. To walk in to an OB's office smiling and to walk out smiling. I wonder what that would feel like? Man this has to be the worst waiting room for an infertile...back to the paperwork and my favorite questions on every medical form..."How many pregnancies?"...4...."How many births?"...uh lets see uh 0000.
Finally, done they call me back to the office and I explain everything to the nurse. Back pain blah, blah, blah...something on right ovary blah, blah, blah...infertility treatments, miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies. The nurse says " I am so sorry you have had to go through all that...Is it expensive?"...Yes (thinking please leave and don't ask me anymore). She did, thank God after Oh yea I forgot..."Are you pregnant?"...um did you not hear what I just said...infertile in the room. I say "No." She says "How do you know?" Well if the infertile thing did not clue you in then lets just say if there was one then it is long gone due to all levels of radiation, x-rays, mri's, CT scans. Not to mention the hundreds of pregnancy tests every dr wants to do...just in case I am that one person we all have heard that gets pregnant when they are not even "thinking" about it. (You know that happens all the time...I wish)
Anyway, finally she leaves I go do my "pregnancy" test. Which by the way was a fiasco in and of itself that I will tell some other time. So I come back to the room and I am sitting there alone and the tears come flooding out of nowhere. I'm thinking of the last time I sat in this room (or one similar) at this office. It was the only pregnancy that I got pregnant on my own and it was almost exactly 3 yrs ago (03/14/06). They referred me to my now RE and said we think this is an ectopic but it is in a weird place. We can't see very well with our machines you need to go to a specialist. You will not be able to HAVE THIS BABY. (this one is that implanted in my cervix) I look at the walls lined with baby announcements and thank you cards saying how wonderful they were and how beautiful their babies are and I WANT that to be me! I NEED that to be me!!!!
My doctor comes in and I explain everything to her. I tell her I usually have a million ultrasounds a month but I have been on break since July because that was my 4th loss and I needed to regroup. She grabs my hand and says, "I so understand what you are feeling! I have had 4 losses myself and I know how hard it is." I couldn't believe my ears a doctor who REALLY knows how I feel. You could see it in her eyes and the way she spoke...she did KNOW and she hurt too. I asked, "How do you work here?" (I was thinking, this has got to be the worst place to work for an infertile. I think I would go crazy. I can't even be in the room for 5 minutes without bawling my eyes out). She said it took her a while and a lot of soul searching and she did end up adopting 2 wonderful children. She said that she has tough days but for the most part it isn't bad. She even had my same RE. So needless to say I am going to make her my primary OB...if I ever need one again. Hopefully I will for a good reason. A reason for me to walk in the door smiling and leave smiling. That is my dream and I hope and pray it happens one day.
PS I have to go on Friday for an ultrasound with a better ultrasound. They said theirs doesn't show things very well. She said she can definitely feel something different on my right side and since I have been doing infertility treatments they want to make sure it is not ovari.an can.cer. She says she DOES NOT think it is and if it is it would be very early but they just want to make sure. So I have to wait again. I am still suppose to be scheduled for the pain specialist next week. Relief I am on my way....
DH: " I know. I remember too well."
Then silence for the rest of our 40 minute drive to my OB's office. My OB was not available so they had another one check me out today. This is office is in the same building as my PCP however it is on the 2nd floor. I had not been THERE since THAT day and until the moment I walked into the office I never gave it a second thought.
"I think I will need to update my information. I haven't been here since 2006." I said.
As I was updating my information and watching smiling pregnant women walk in and out and still smiling. It amazed me. I don't think that has really ever happened to me. To walk in to an OB's office smiling and to walk out smiling. I wonder what that would feel like? Man this has to be the worst waiting room for an infertile...back to the paperwork and my favorite questions on every medical form..."How many pregnancies?"...4...."How many births?"...uh lets see uh 0000.
Finally, done they call me back to the office and I explain everything to the nurse. Back pain blah, blah, blah...something on right ovary blah, blah, blah...infertility treatments, miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies. The nurse says " I am so sorry you have had to go through all that...Is it expensive?"...Yes (thinking please leave and don't ask me anymore). She did, thank God after Oh yea I forgot..."Are you pregnant?"...um did you not hear what I just said...infertile in the room. I say "No." She says "How do you know?" Well if the infertile thing did not clue you in then lets just say if there was one then it is long gone due to all levels of radiation, x-rays, mri's, CT scans. Not to mention the hundreds of pregnancy tests every dr wants to do...just in case I am that one person we all have heard that gets pregnant when they are not even "thinking" about it. (You know that happens all the time...I wish)
Anyway, finally she leaves I go do my "pregnancy" test. Which by the way was a fiasco in and of itself that I will tell some other time. So I come back to the room and I am sitting there alone and the tears come flooding out of nowhere. I'm thinking of the last time I sat in this room (or one similar) at this office. It was the only pregnancy that I got pregnant on my own and it was almost exactly 3 yrs ago (03/14/06). They referred me to my now RE and said we think this is an ectopic but it is in a weird place. We can't see very well with our machines you need to go to a specialist. You will not be able to HAVE THIS BABY. (this one is that implanted in my cervix) I look at the walls lined with baby announcements and thank you cards saying how wonderful they were and how beautiful their babies are and I WANT that to be me! I NEED that to be me!!!!
My doctor comes in and I explain everything to her. I tell her I usually have a million ultrasounds a month but I have been on break since July because that was my 4th loss and I needed to regroup. She grabs my hand and says, "I so understand what you are feeling! I have had 4 losses myself and I know how hard it is." I couldn't believe my ears a doctor who REALLY knows how I feel. You could see it in her eyes and the way she spoke...she did KNOW and she hurt too. I asked, "How do you work here?" (I was thinking, this has got to be the worst place to work for an infertile. I think I would go crazy. I can't even be in the room for 5 minutes without bawling my eyes out). She said it took her a while and a lot of soul searching and she did end up adopting 2 wonderful children. She said that she has tough days but for the most part it isn't bad. She even had my same RE. So needless to say I am going to make her my primary OB...if I ever need one again. Hopefully I will for a good reason. A reason for me to walk in the door smiling and leave smiling. That is my dream and I hope and pray it happens one day.
PS I have to go on Friday for an ultrasound with a better ultrasound. They said theirs doesn't show things very well. She said she can definitely feel something different on my right side and since I have been doing infertility treatments they want to make sure it is not ovari.an can.cer. She says she DOES NOT think it is and if it is it would be very early but they just want to make sure. So I have to wait again. I am still suppose to be scheduled for the pain specialist next week. Relief I am on my way....
Friday, March 13, 2009
Updates and EDDs
Today I went to see my doctor. They did an x-ray to see if I had any kidney stones and will tell me on Monday the results of that. She also did a pelvic exam and she pushed on my stomach and it felt more like she was stabbing me in the stomach. I actually cried out because of it. It surprised me because I have not been having abdominal pain at all. It has all been in my back. She said maybe it is referred pain and that is why the shots and everything else are not working. I am going to get a CT scan next Thursday to check my abdomen and pelvic area. It would be ironic if something was wrong in the pelvic area because I spend a lot of my time having ultrasounds in that area and now I have been on break since July and now there would be something wrong there? That would just be very weird. I do know though it should not feel like someone is stabbing me when doing that exam. So I guess I will have to deal with this for at least another week. The only reason I have to wait so long is because my insurance company can't approve the procedure until then. WTF? I just do not understand insurance companies most of the time. If my doctor says I need it then let me do it. It is not because I am going there to have fun and I have nothing else better to do. It just drives me crazy! I am sick of dealing with this and I want it fixed. I have done PT a couple times this week and I am also doing exercises at home so hopefully eventually I will feel better.
These last couple weeks I have had 2 EDD come and go. I did not really think of them at the time. I think because of all the pain I have been in. But I have been thinking about them the last couple days. If I would not have had my ectopic in July I would have a baby right now. I would be holding him/her. I would be loving and adoring him/her but now I am just stuck with what could of, SHOULD of been. I have been having a lot of dreams lately about babies and having babies. Some of them have been very weird. Maybe I will share sometime soon but I think I have been having them because of what I am missing right now.
My dearest Angels,
I just want to know how much I love you. Even though I never got to hold you or see you. Even though you were with me for only a short time I want you to know that I hold enough love in my heart for you for a whole lifetime. I think about you often and I wish it could have been different. I hope someday I will see you and be able to hold you but for now I will have to settle for seeing you in my dreams and holding you in my heart.
Love always,
Mommy
These last couple weeks I have had 2 EDD come and go. I did not really think of them at the time. I think because of all the pain I have been in. But I have been thinking about them the last couple days. If I would not have had my ectopic in July I would have a baby right now. I would be holding him/her. I would be loving and adoring him/her but now I am just stuck with what could of, SHOULD of been. I have been having a lot of dreams lately about babies and having babies. Some of them have been very weird. Maybe I will share sometime soon but I think I have been having them because of what I am missing right now.
My dearest Angels,
I just want to know how much I love you. Even though I never got to hold you or see you. Even though you were with me for only a short time I want you to know that I hold enough love in my heart for you for a whole lifetime. I think about you often and I wish it could have been different. I hope someday I will see you and be able to hold you but for now I will have to settle for seeing you in my dreams and holding you in my heart.
Love always,
Mommy
Monday, February 16, 2009
Just ranting away
Cycle day 31, cramps for 4 days now...still no AF. I really hate her! While I am on "break" from doing all the fertility meds and stuff I still want to try on my own. But I can't when I have cycles that last forever and ever. I mean I can, I do, but it just doesn't work as well. Maybe by some miracle, if AF ever sticks to her schedule, it will happen on it's own. Not really sure why I would even think that because in almost 9 years it has only happened once but still it doesn't cost anything to just (gasp) do it the old fashioned way. As shocking as that may sound I have heard I think some stories, maybe published in the paper or media reporting it, that people do get pregnant actually "doing it" without a Dr present and weeks of pills and shots. That just sounds strange to me.
I have just been really angry and bummed out lately that I can't just be like everyone else. I can't say "hey I want to have a baby and then a 9 months later poof there he/she is". No I have to figure out ways to raise money to have a baby and I just do not even have the first clue how to do that.
I'm angry that time is just slipping by and I have no control on how my life is unfolding. I'm angry that a woman that has 6 kids that she can barely support gets to have 8 more. I'm not saying you can't have as many kids as you want but come on all I am asking for is 1 here...
I'm angry that infertility is not treated seriously by most people. They call us selfish for wanting what most people can have easily. I'm angry that once you have a miscarriage that people feel bad for you for a couple days but then disregard it like my grief is not real...I should be over it by now. Well, I'm not and I never will be! It hurts less with time but it still hurts!
I'm angry that my body does not work the way it should and I have to jump through hoops just for the HOPE that it might.
It has been almost 9 years I WANT MY MIRACLE! I WANT to hear someone call me mommy. I want to watch him/her grow up. I want to be a family! I just hate this whole thing and I am really pissed off!
I have just been really angry and bummed out lately that I can't just be like everyone else. I can't say "hey I want to have a baby and then a 9 months later poof there he/she is". No I have to figure out ways to raise money to have a baby and I just do not even have the first clue how to do that.
I'm angry that time is just slipping by and I have no control on how my life is unfolding. I'm angry that a woman that has 6 kids that she can barely support gets to have 8 more. I'm not saying you can't have as many kids as you want but come on all I am asking for is 1 here...
I'm angry that infertility is not treated seriously by most people. They call us selfish for wanting what most people can have easily. I'm angry that once you have a miscarriage that people feel bad for you for a couple days but then disregard it like my grief is not real...I should be over it by now. Well, I'm not and I never will be! It hurts less with time but it still hurts!
I'm angry that my body does not work the way it should and I have to jump through hoops just for the HOPE that it might.
It has been almost 9 years I WANT MY MIRACLE! I WANT to hear someone call me mommy. I want to watch him/her grow up. I want to be a family! I just hate this whole thing and I am really pissed off!
Monday, February 9, 2009
100th post - 100 things I have learned through IF
1. It doesn't take just once to get pregnant.
2. All the time and money I spent trying to prevent pregnancy was a big fat waste!
3. Sticking yourself with a needle in the stomach isn't as bad as you would think.
4. It really sucks that I know that.
5. Hoping something is wrong with you just so you have an answer to why you are not getting pregnant is really F**ked up!
6. Being disappointed after getting a report that says everything is fine after doing testing for why I may be having multiple miscarriages is even worse.
7. Spotting during pregnancy is not harmless.
8. Relaxing does NOT make a baby.
9. I CAN"T just "not think about it"...go ahead don't think of a pink elephant right NOW...can't do it.
10. Getting two lines on a pee stick does not mean you will ACTUALLY have a baby.
11. Signing up at every baby related website after getting said BFP is REALLY NOT A GOOD IDEA!
12. You will get things for a baby from those websites FOREVER no matter how much you try to cancel them.
13. Not every RE should be an RE. Some are INSENSITIVE A**holes.
14. Not everyone knows the right thing to say...sometimes they will say completely the WRONG thing.
15. Who are my real friends and will be there though thick and thin.
16. Pregnant women are EVERY WHERE!
17. Someone announcing their pregnancy is not always a happy event.
18. My husband is one of the GREATEST MEN I have ever known!
19. I have lots of blood and do not seem to run out even when they take 15-20 viles of it at a time.
20. My veins suck!!!
21. The hand is a very sensitive place to get blood drawn.
22. I can recognize by sight my ovaries, what is a cyst and what is not, and how thick my lining is without anyone telling me.
23. I could probably do a better job with the dildocam then some of the nurses or "trainees" that are trained to use them.
24. Doctors do not know or think of everything. Be your own advocate!
25. Always have questions written down because when you get into the office it is not an obvious question and you WILL forget.
26. Crying is something I do very well.
27. Sex is not always what it is cracked up to be.
28. You can find ways and places to have sex even in the most dire of circumstances such as being in agony from kidney stones if the timing says it is a must.
29. Money DOES NOT grow on trees.
30. This s**t is expensive!
31. Having a baby is not considered to be a "necessary" life event if you are trying for FMLA.
32. Insurance coverage in Michigan does not require coverage for IVF and that really sucks.
33. I now know what BFN, TTC, 2WW, IVF, OPK, PIO, and many other acronymns stand for.
34. There are a whole lot of people that are experiencing the same thing as me...TOO MANY!
35. Blogging is very therapeutic.
36. I have many friends that I have not met IRL.
37. Things stuck up you vajayjay are not necessarily for pleasure.
38. AF can not take a hint. She is there when you don't want her and no where to be found when you do.
39. Just because I am childless does not mean I have a carefree life and I vacation all over. Quite the opposite.
40. My marriage is strong.
41. The pain of losing your baby never really goes away.
42. Support is very important!
43. I will never take my child for granted.
44. Life is precious!
45. The love a good man and family can make things better.
46. Time goes by VERY FAST!
47. IVF is not just for women who "waited" too long.
48. People will forget you EDD after a mc but you never will.
49. Fake it til you make it!
50. I am a master at peeing in a cup!
51. PCOS sucks!
52. I am a pro at making little graphs
53. Those little graphs just look like a bunch of scribbles (see #51)
54. I know too much about cervical mucus
55. I do things with said cm that no one should ever have to do
56. Have a plan
57. Have a plan B
58. Have a plan C
59. Best laid plans usually turn to crap so you should probably have a plan D, E, and F.
60. Patience is not my strong suit
61. A sense of humor is a must if you are going to go through this.
62. It is ok not to go to every baby shower or kids birthday party.
63. A few shots and I can become a raving hormone filled lunatic.
64. Who am I kidding I can do the above without hormone shots.
65. Birth control pills is not just for those who do NOT want to become pregnant.
66. Metformin is not just for diabetes.
67. If you take metformin you should probably be very close to the bathroom for a good month or so.
68. I can pee alot. For example if I need to take, uh something like 10 or so at home pregnancy tests in an hour just to verify (you never no maybe I just didn't see the 2 lines).
69. Your body can play tricks on you.
70. So can your mind.
71. I can lie to myself pretty well. For example even if I just had a visit from AF I CAN convince myself I am pregnant.
72. I can also convince myself that I have any kind of disease at any time.
73. I am a professional worrier.
74. Everyone knows someone that as soon as they stopped "trying" they became pregnant or at least they have a friend of a friend whose brothers cousins 2nd wifes aunt did, so I am sure it will happen for me.
75. Idiots are every where.
76. But there are a lot more good people (like you all)!
77. "Practice" does not make perfect.
78. Normal every day things can make you think of what you are missing, such as going to the grocery store and passing the baby aisle, and it can ruin your day.
79. I'm crazy.
80. The times I have been pregnant I am always afraid to do things such as move or breath for fear I may dislodge the baby somehow.
81. A lot of good that did me.
82. My dogs and cat are like MY babies.
83. Dogs and cats really DO NOT like if you try to carry them around like a baby.
84. Friendship can come from unexpected places.
85. Sometimes I just need to scream or cry and that IS ok.
86. Maybe if I wait until there is a full moon in the west, and the stars are aligned, and my horoscope says "It's a good day", and it's a Wednesday at precisely 8:02, and on a brisk 52 degree day in May, and I've done all my "practicing", and all my "relaxing", and it's God's will, and the lottery numbers cam up with exactly my birth date, and I made a wish on a star, and threw a penny in the wishing well, and spun around 3 times while hopping on 1 foot, and chanted 10 times "today I WILL make a baby", and then did the deed, and made sure I put pillows under my butt after, then I am sure I WILL get pregnant and have a baby.
87. Hmmm maybe that whole spinning thing while hopping on 1 foot and chanting would work...note to self try this next time.
88. I may look pregnant but really I am not but thanks for asking you brightened my day...whatever...jerk!
89. People have a lot of assvice.
90. Most of the time when people tell me they are pregnant my first thought is...I really hope it lasts...
91. It really sucks that I think that way.
92. There is so much I can do with out kids.
93. That does not make me feel better.
94. The 2ww feels more like a 2 year wait.
95. As soon as you buy the hpt or take the test af usually shows her ugly face.
96. Whenever I do get pregnant and STAY pregnant I am going to be a basket case!
97. I apparently like to make lists.
98. I am a much stronger person then I ever thought I was.
99. All of you out there in blogland make each day easier because of your support and kindness!
100. INFERTILITY REALLY REALLY REALLY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. All the time and money I spent trying to prevent pregnancy was a big fat waste!
3. Sticking yourself with a needle in the stomach isn't as bad as you would think.
4. It really sucks that I know that.
5. Hoping something is wrong with you just so you have an answer to why you are not getting pregnant is really F**ked up!
6. Being disappointed after getting a report that says everything is fine after doing testing for why I may be having multiple miscarriages is even worse.
7. Spotting during pregnancy is not harmless.
8. Relaxing does NOT make a baby.
9. I CAN"T just "not think about it"...go ahead don't think of a pink elephant right NOW...can't do it.
10. Getting two lines on a pee stick does not mean you will ACTUALLY have a baby.
11. Signing up at every baby related website after getting said BFP is REALLY NOT A GOOD IDEA!
12. You will get things for a baby from those websites FOREVER no matter how much you try to cancel them.
13. Not every RE should be an RE. Some are INSENSITIVE A**holes.
14. Not everyone knows the right thing to say...sometimes they will say completely the WRONG thing.
15. Who are my real friends and will be there though thick and thin.
16. Pregnant women are EVERY WHERE!
17. Someone announcing their pregnancy is not always a happy event.
18. My husband is one of the GREATEST MEN I have ever known!
19. I have lots of blood and do not seem to run out even when they take 15-20 viles of it at a time.
20. My veins suck!!!
21. The hand is a very sensitive place to get blood drawn.
22. I can recognize by sight my ovaries, what is a cyst and what is not, and how thick my lining is without anyone telling me.
23. I could probably do a better job with the dildocam then some of the nurses or "trainees" that are trained to use them.
24. Doctors do not know or think of everything. Be your own advocate!
25. Always have questions written down because when you get into the office it is not an obvious question and you WILL forget.
26. Crying is something I do very well.
27. Sex is not always what it is cracked up to be.
28. You can find ways and places to have sex even in the most dire of circumstances such as being in agony from kidney stones if the timing says it is a must.
29. Money DOES NOT grow on trees.
30. This s**t is expensive!
31. Having a baby is not considered to be a "necessary" life event if you are trying for FMLA.
32. Insurance coverage in Michigan does not require coverage for IVF and that really sucks.
33. I now know what BFN, TTC, 2WW, IVF, OPK, PIO, and many other acronymns stand for.
34. There are a whole lot of people that are experiencing the same thing as me...TOO MANY!
35. Blogging is very therapeutic.
36. I have many friends that I have not met IRL.
37. Things stuck up you vajayjay are not necessarily for pleasure.
38. AF can not take a hint. She is there when you don't want her and no where to be found when you do.
39. Just because I am childless does not mean I have a carefree life and I vacation all over. Quite the opposite.
40. My marriage is strong.
41. The pain of losing your baby never really goes away.
42. Support is very important!
43. I will never take my child for granted.
44. Life is precious!
45. The love a good man and family can make things better.
46. Time goes by VERY FAST!
47. IVF is not just for women who "waited" too long.
48. People will forget you EDD after a mc but you never will.
49. Fake it til you make it!
50. I am a master at peeing in a cup!
51. PCOS sucks!
52. I am a pro at making little graphs
53. Those little graphs just look like a bunch of scribbles (see #51)
54. I know too much about cervical mucus
55. I do things with said cm that no one should ever have to do
56. Have a plan
57. Have a plan B
58. Have a plan C
59. Best laid plans usually turn to crap so you should probably have a plan D, E, and F.
60. Patience is not my strong suit
61. A sense of humor is a must if you are going to go through this.
62. It is ok not to go to every baby shower or kids birthday party.
63. A few shots and I can become a raving hormone filled lunatic.
64. Who am I kidding I can do the above without hormone shots.
65. Birth control pills is not just for those who do NOT want to become pregnant.
66. Metformin is not just for diabetes.
67. If you take metformin you should probably be very close to the bathroom for a good month or so.
68. I can pee alot. For example if I need to take, uh something like 10 or so at home pregnancy tests in an hour just to verify (you never no maybe I just didn't see the 2 lines).
69. Your body can play tricks on you.
70. So can your mind.
71. I can lie to myself pretty well. For example even if I just had a visit from AF I CAN convince myself I am pregnant.
72. I can also convince myself that I have any kind of disease at any time.
73. I am a professional worrier.
74. Everyone knows someone that as soon as they stopped "trying" they became pregnant or at least they have a friend of a friend whose brothers cousins 2nd wifes aunt did, so I am sure it will happen for me.
75. Idiots are every where.
76. But there are a lot more good people (like you all)!
77. "Practice" does not make perfect.
78. Normal every day things can make you think of what you are missing, such as going to the grocery store and passing the baby aisle, and it can ruin your day.
79. I'm crazy.
80. The times I have been pregnant I am always afraid to do things such as move or breath for fear I may dislodge the baby somehow.
81. A lot of good that did me.
82. My dogs and cat are like MY babies.
83. Dogs and cats really DO NOT like if you try to carry them around like a baby.
84. Friendship can come from unexpected places.
85. Sometimes I just need to scream or cry and that IS ok.
86. Maybe if I wait until there is a full moon in the west, and the stars are aligned, and my horoscope says "It's a good day", and it's a Wednesday at precisely 8:02, and on a brisk 52 degree day in May, and I've done all my "practicing", and all my "relaxing", and it's God's will, and the lottery numbers cam up with exactly my birth date, and I made a wish on a star, and threw a penny in the wishing well, and spun around 3 times while hopping on 1 foot, and chanted 10 times "today I WILL make a baby", and then did the deed, and made sure I put pillows under my butt after, then I am sure I WILL get pregnant and have a baby.
87. Hmmm maybe that whole spinning thing while hopping on 1 foot and chanting would work...note to self try this next time.
88. I may look pregnant but really I am not but thanks for asking you brightened my day...whatever...jerk!
89. People have a lot of assvice.
90. Most of the time when people tell me they are pregnant my first thought is...I really hope it lasts...
91. It really sucks that I think that way.
92. There is so much I can do with out kids.
93. That does not make me feel better.
94. The 2ww feels more like a 2 year wait.
95. As soon as you buy the hpt or take the test af usually shows her ugly face.
96. Whenever I do get pregnant and STAY pregnant I am going to be a basket case!
97. I apparently like to make lists.
98. I am a much stronger person then I ever thought I was.
99. All of you out there in blogland make each day easier because of your support and kindness!
100. INFERTILITY REALLY REALLY REALLY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Shades of gray
What I want to BE most in this life I am not! Why? I ask this question so many times. Is it because I am not a good enough wife, sister, daughter, Aunt, friend, niece, granddaughter, or woman? Would I not make a good mother? I don't think that is it. At least I hope that is not it...
I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS for short. Because of this I have a higher then normal chance of miscarriage. I have been told 40-60% chance to be exact but in my case it happens to be 100%. I have been pregnant 4 times and lost the baby 4 times. I think often of my angels. What would they be like? Would they have my husbands contagious laugh? My blue eyes? Would they grow up to be a ballerina? a football player? the president? Is the once future president up in heaven now never to run the world but to play with the other babies? To wait for me? To watch over me? Did I fail them somehow? Where are they? I want them here. I have too many unanswered questions.
Infertility and miscarriage have robbed me. Robbed me of the happiness I once felt. The security of my future. It has removed the "rose colored" glasses and shown me gray. A gray that envelops my life like a dense fog that won't lift.
The things that most people take joy in, a pregnancy, a baby being born, children laughing, the new spring, the fall colors, are all just reminders to me. Reminders of what could have been. What might never be...
I no longer look forward to being pregnant. I am terrified! I don't want to feel the pain of miscarriage ever again! But the fear of never having children terrifies me more. So I move forward...Begging, hoping, praying. And I chip away at the gray like a sculptor with a new mound of clay. Working at it tirelessly molding, scraping, forming. Until one day my dream will be formed and out of the gray, life will become colorful again!
I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS for short. Because of this I have a higher then normal chance of miscarriage. I have been told 40-60% chance to be exact but in my case it happens to be 100%. I have been pregnant 4 times and lost the baby 4 times. I think often of my angels. What would they be like? Would they have my husbands contagious laugh? My blue eyes? Would they grow up to be a ballerina? a football player? the president? Is the once future president up in heaven now never to run the world but to play with the other babies? To wait for me? To watch over me? Did I fail them somehow? Where are they? I want them here. I have too many unanswered questions.
Infertility and miscarriage have robbed me. Robbed me of the happiness I once felt. The security of my future. It has removed the "rose colored" glasses and shown me gray. A gray that envelops my life like a dense fog that won't lift.
The things that most people take joy in, a pregnancy, a baby being born, children laughing, the new spring, the fall colors, are all just reminders to me. Reminders of what could have been. What might never be...
I no longer look forward to being pregnant. I am terrified! I don't want to feel the pain of miscarriage ever again! But the fear of never having children terrifies me more. So I move forward...Begging, hoping, praying. And I chip away at the gray like a sculptor with a new mound of clay. Working at it tirelessly molding, scraping, forming. Until one day my dream will be formed and out of the gray, life will become colorful again!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Death of a Dream
4 years ago! January 14th, 2005! That is when it happened...my first of several miscarriages. 4 years ago that day I thought was the worst day of my life...little did I know it would get worse.
It was the death of a dream. A dream that I thought had finally become realized. I had been trying for 4 years and never saw the beautiful 2 lines. When I finally did I thought "thats it! My nightmare is over". Unfortunately it was just beginning. My sister had found out she was pregnant like a month or so prior. She was on a cruise and I could not wait to tell her. We were going to be pregnant together. Our children would be close like siblings...oh it was going to be so much fun! I remember that it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I was finally free...free to be happy because now I would be complete. I had entered into the adult world. I was no longer a kid playing "grown-up".
When I look back on it, I think it was one of the happiest times of my life. I was finally going to have my baby I had longed for for so long. My body worked, I was not broken anymore. I had such plans...oh how naive I was...
When they called to say my beta had dropped...I just remember letting out a scream at the top of my lungs...NO! NO! NO! YOU CAN"T TAKE MY BABY AWAY! PLEASE DON"T TAKE MY BABY AWAY! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! They were wrong I just knew they had to be wrong. Maybe my first numbers were wrong, maybe the second...one of them HAD TO BE WRONG! I made my DH take me to the ER. I wanted them to do a blood test there and find out what the numbers were...he knew the dr was right but he took me...I think he would have done anything on that day...anything that would have taken the pain away from me, even though he was feeling it too.
We went to the ER and I pretended like I did not know a thing. I didn't want them to think I was some crazy person in denial...because I WASN"T! The doctors just had it all WRONG!!! So they hooked me up to the catheter and then wheeled me down to do an ultrasound. I laid there trying so hard to read the techs face. Was that blink she just had a good blink? the breath she just took was that out of relief? Please, please just tell me you see my baby and he/she is fine...TELL ME!!! Of course she didn't. they must train those ultrasound techs in the hospital really well because I could not tell a thing by her face. The dr came in and said they did not see much on the ultrasound but it was too early. Then he told my the numbers and said "it was a threatened miscarriage" and to go home and make an appointment with my DR...there was still hope he said. But he didn't know what I knew. When I heard the numbers...152 much, much lower then the 704 from the call that morning. I knew that ALL HOPE HAD BEEN LOST! In that moment even more so then that morning a piece of me died! And I wanted the rest of me to die too.
I cried and I screamed more then I thought possible for one person. I stared off into space just mumbling to my self...I HURT! I HURT! PLEASE SOMEONE MAKE IT GO AWAY! To make matters worse it was January 14th which also happens to be my DH birthday. What a SHITTY BIRTHDAY PRESENT! I felt bad for him because I knew his birthday would always be remembered as one of the worst days of our lives. I was so sad about that but I couldn't change it.
I did not know how I would go on. How I could ever smile again? How I could watch people living normal happy lives while I was living in such pain. But I did...somehow I just did.
Even though I was only pregnant for a few short weeks I loved that baby as if he/she were here for a whole lifetime. I still do! Along with my three other angels. I remember all the dates, the EDD, the miscarriage dates, but this one is always the hardest because it was THE DAY! The day where I realized that just getting the 2 lines did not mean I would have a baby. My dreams were going to be so much harder to obtain then I originally thought. The dreams I had of infertility just being a "story" I would tell about how I dealt with it for a little while but overcame it were gone. I was changed...
It was the death of a dream. A dream that I thought had finally become realized. I had been trying for 4 years and never saw the beautiful 2 lines. When I finally did I thought "thats it! My nightmare is over". Unfortunately it was just beginning. My sister had found out she was pregnant like a month or so prior. She was on a cruise and I could not wait to tell her. We were going to be pregnant together. Our children would be close like siblings...oh it was going to be so much fun! I remember that it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I was finally free...free to be happy because now I would be complete. I had entered into the adult world. I was no longer a kid playing "grown-up".
When I look back on it, I think it was one of the happiest times of my life. I was finally going to have my baby I had longed for for so long. My body worked, I was not broken anymore. I had such plans...oh how naive I was...
When they called to say my beta had dropped...I just remember letting out a scream at the top of my lungs...NO! NO! NO! YOU CAN"T TAKE MY BABY AWAY! PLEASE DON"T TAKE MY BABY AWAY! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! They were wrong I just knew they had to be wrong. Maybe my first numbers were wrong, maybe the second...one of them HAD TO BE WRONG! I made my DH take me to the ER. I wanted them to do a blood test there and find out what the numbers were...he knew the dr was right but he took me...I think he would have done anything on that day...anything that would have taken the pain away from me, even though he was feeling it too.
We went to the ER and I pretended like I did not know a thing. I didn't want them to think I was some crazy person in denial...because I WASN"T! The doctors just had it all WRONG!!! So they hooked me up to the catheter and then wheeled me down to do an ultrasound. I laid there trying so hard to read the techs face. Was that blink she just had a good blink? the breath she just took was that out of relief? Please, please just tell me you see my baby and he/she is fine...TELL ME!!! Of course she didn't. they must train those ultrasound techs in the hospital really well because I could not tell a thing by her face. The dr came in and said they did not see much on the ultrasound but it was too early. Then he told my the numbers and said "it was a threatened miscarriage" and to go home and make an appointment with my DR...there was still hope he said. But he didn't know what I knew. When I heard the numbers...152 much, much lower then the 704 from the call that morning. I knew that ALL HOPE HAD BEEN LOST! In that moment even more so then that morning a piece of me died! And I wanted the rest of me to die too.
I cried and I screamed more then I thought possible for one person. I stared off into space just mumbling to my self...I HURT! I HURT! PLEASE SOMEONE MAKE IT GO AWAY! To make matters worse it was January 14th which also happens to be my DH birthday. What a SHITTY BIRTHDAY PRESENT! I felt bad for him because I knew his birthday would always be remembered as one of the worst days of our lives. I was so sad about that but I couldn't change it.
I did not know how I would go on. How I could ever smile again? How I could watch people living normal happy lives while I was living in such pain. But I did...somehow I just did.
Even though I was only pregnant for a few short weeks I loved that baby as if he/she were here for a whole lifetime. I still do! Along with my three other angels. I remember all the dates, the EDD, the miscarriage dates, but this one is always the hardest because it was THE DAY! The day where I realized that just getting the 2 lines did not mean I would have a baby. My dreams were going to be so much harder to obtain then I originally thought. The dreams I had of infertility just being a "story" I would tell about how I dealt with it for a little while but overcame it were gone. I was changed...
Sunday, January 4, 2009
I am one of "those people"
Ever since July...July 3rd 2008 to be exact. I feel like I have crossed over. Crossed an imaginary line that I had been inching towards for many years but thought I would never get to let alone cross. That is the imaginary line I drew in my mind between the numbers 3 and 4. Why that number? I am not so sure. 1 is too many if you ask me but it is something that in my mind was the point of no return. The time where I would really start worrying. Not that I didn't before...worry that is. I am a professional worrier but I mean REALLY worry about never being able to produce a live baby. After my first mc, while I was devastated, it was just an early mc. People have them all the time..at least that is what I told myself to make me feel better. Then the second one was a rare ectopic...that was just some crazy thing that happened...a 1 in a million shot and it just happened to me. Then I had my 3rd and I started thinking what if I am one of "those people", you know the ones everyone looks at when they first start IF and pray they never become. The one that has been trying for year after year, mc after mc, the ones that even the IFers pity. The ones you say there are so many advances today that will never be me. Surely God would not allow that to happen to me. I mean I have paid my "dues". I have been through this whole IF thing and I just really am over it now. Really...let's get back to the way my life should be, the way I had it planned. I remember thinking I could not possibly be one of "those" people there is no way that I could go on after all that...it takes a strong person and I just don't have that.
Then July 3rd hit and I feel I have crossed over, at least in my mind that is what it feels like. I have gone from thinking those were a few bumps in my road...I have PCOS after all...to now feeling it is ACTUALLY a REAL POSSIBILITY that I may never have a child of my own. My doctor, my family, my friends assure me it won't happen...that I will have my own child but me...I am not so sure and in fact I am terrified of it. I have found though...that while terrified I am also a lot stronger then I thought I was, I have a lot better marriage then I thought I would or could have after going through all this. The true people in my life have emerged the ones I can count on. So now I AM one OF "THOSE" PEOPLE the ones I feared the most...and guess what...
It SUCKS!!!!!!
But I'm still here and some day(hopefully) I will also be one of "them"...the ones that went through all the pain and came out the other side with a baby and a deeper appreciation for being a parent and life...At least that is my plan...
Then July 3rd hit and I feel I have crossed over, at least in my mind that is what it feels like. I have gone from thinking those were a few bumps in my road...I have PCOS after all...to now feeling it is ACTUALLY a REAL POSSIBILITY that I may never have a child of my own. My doctor, my family, my friends assure me it won't happen...that I will have my own child but me...I am not so sure and in fact I am terrified of it. I have found though...that while terrified I am also a lot stronger then I thought I was, I have a lot better marriage then I thought I would or could have after going through all this. The true people in my life have emerged the ones I can count on. So now I AM one OF "THOSE" PEOPLE the ones I feared the most...and guess what...
It SUCKS!!!!!!
But I'm still here and some day(hopefully) I will also be one of "them"...the ones that went through all the pain and came out the other side with a baby and a deeper appreciation for being a parent and life...At least that is my plan...
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Face of Infertility
1 in 6 women experience infertility. I AM that 1.
2.5% of women have PCOS. I AM that 2.5%.
1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I AM that 1.
Women with PCOS have a 45% (or more) of miscarrying. I AM that 45%.
But I AM NOT a statistic! What am I?
I AM a wife. A wife of a wonderful husband, who would be an even better father! A wife that wonders why he stays when she is the one that is broke. Why should his dream be denied? I am sorry for that.
I am a daughter. A daughter who would like nothing more then to give her mother a grandchild. A daughter that loves her mother and knows she too is in pain because her child is in pain but there is nothing I can do about it. I am sorry for that.
I am a sister. A sister whose best friend is her sister. A sister who both times she heard “I’m pregnant “was so happy for her but sad for herself. A sister who rejoiced over the birth of her nephews as if they were her own but on the inside was thinking. “why can’t this be me?” and I am sorry for that.
I am a granddaughter. A granddaughter who fears that her grandmother will never meet her great grandchildren. They will never know this amazingly strong woman that I know. I am sorry for that.
I am an Aunt. An Aunt who loves her nephews as if they were her own. Who hugs them so tight not wanting to let them go because she remembers she was suppose to have one the same age and wonders what they would be like.
I am a Boss. A Boss who has bad days too. Who sometimes may not understand that getting a flat tire on the way to work was the end of the world because yesterday I lost my baby and I am still here today on time. I am sorry about that.
I am a Friend. A friend who needs her friends more now then ever before. A friend that will love you, listen to you, help you but may not be able to come to every baby shower because it hurts to much. I am sorry for that.
I am a Woman. A woman who can’t do what women were born to do. A women whose heart is broken. A women who will comfort you, laugh with you, cry with you, and help you but right now needs to do all those things for herself and I am sorry for that.
I am the girl behind you in the checkout line. The girl who is buying a pregnancy test with excitement and dread at the same time because deep down she knows it probably did not happen this month and if it did there is so much that can go wrong. She is worried about that.
I am the person that cut you off on the road because her mind was racing in a million directions because she wonders if the spotting she saw this afternoon was notice of impending doom. I am sorry for that.
I am your neighbor who may not always seem so friendly. Who does not always come over to your kids birthday parties because it is just too hard right now and I am sorry for that.
I am your patient. A patient whose happiness that day depends on the news you give her over the phone or in person. If she reacts badly or says something not nice it is not a reflection of your abilities, it is a reflection of her inabilities. I am sorry for that.
I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I hurt. I cry. I hide. I yell. I make mistakes and I am sorry for that.
I love. I am happy. I laugh. I smile. I am strong. I will heal. I will move forward everyday…one step at a time…I WILL do all these things. I AM all these things. I FEEL all these things because of the one thing that I am NOT. I am NOT a mother and I am most sorry for that!Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Today is the day where we mourn for all our lost dreams. The babies that were suppose to be in our arms not a memory in our hearts.
My heart is broken as I remember. Remember where I should be, instead of where I am. On Saturday 10/18 will be another date that passes that I should have 2 year old. The due date for my second loss. The due date for the one that should have been if he/she would have just implanted in my uterus and not in my cervix. I remember the dr saying "I'm so sorry. The baby is healthy now but will soon cut off your blood supply. The baby will die and you will probably die". I remember being under during the surgery and fighting and when I woke they said they had to give me more anasthesia because I was fighting them. I said I was dreaming that someone was trying to take my baby. The sad thing is...it wasn't a dream.
So I light a candle for angel #1, angel #2, angel #3, and angel #4. And I light a candle for all of your angels. For all the ones that should be here...the light of our lives not the light on our mantle.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Wishing for a baby (pity party still going strong)
It's so amazing to me. The fact that this population goes on. The fact that people have babies everyday. The beautifulness (is that a word?) that is birth. I mean 1000's of babies are born everyday...but I can't seem to get a piece of the beauty! I am in constant awe that there are people out there that get pregnant without a thought, many who don't even WANT to be pregnant. How does this happen?
I wish I didn't know what I know. I wish I could go about life oblivious to all that could go wrong. To all the pain and heartache. I wish I did not have to know my cycle. Know when I ovulate (or don't for that matter). Know about the 2ww wait. Know exactly when I am pregnant and exactly when it ends. The people who don't know these things seem so much happier. I want some of the happiness! I want to believe that when I want something that if I hope enough, believe enough and try hard enough it will come to me. I want to believe that as soon as I get pregnant that will be the happy ending because surely I will have a baby. That's all it takes, right?
I wish I didn't know that it was possible for your heart to break into a million pieces many times and you would still survive. I don't want to know that no matter how many times you knock me down that I will get back up and try again. I don't like feeling this way. Feeling that the emptiness in the crib and in my heart may never be filled. A dream never fulfilled. Hope lost. So much love and no baby to give it to. Ugh...If only my wishes, dreams, and prayers would come true...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Weekend wonders...
I had a very nice weekend. It was my mom and sister's birthday so on Sunday we all got together and celebrated. My mom started a diet and she did not have any cake for her own birthday! I was so impressed. My mother has always been the person who will start something and 1 day later be done with it (short attention span), but this she has been doing for about a month and I am very proud of her. Maybe I got through to her (if I know my mother I am sure it wasn't me), she doesn't take care of herself and she has not been feeling good so I am glad she is doing this. Now I wonder if I could only get her to stop smoking...I guess one thing at a time.
Anyway, on Saturday DH and I babysat for my nephews J (3yrs) and N (18mos). OMG they are the cutest! When we got there L said Good Luck they are horrible today! and basically ran out of the house as if it was on fire. As I stood at the door trying to keep N from crying for mommy I was thinking Im in for a long night. Crying lasted about 2.3 seconds and then everything was fine. It turned out great! I don't know what I was thinking they are always so good for us. N finally said my name and we taught him to say Go Blue (he loves football) and it was the sweetest thing. They just melt my heart! They ate good and went to bed right on time no problems. I often think about what my babies would have been like at that age because they would have been the same exact age as my nephews. Sometimes I wonder about it when I am watching them play. When I watch J with his active wild imagination or N with his tough no fear attitude, I wonder would they have all been close like siblings? I am sure they would have been, I have always been close with my cousins. It would have been nice. I often wonder if by the time I have kids (if I ever succeed) are they going to be all alone. Are they going to have anyone to play with? All my friends will have grown up children, same with L. I know of all the things to worry about right?...but really it just makes me sad.
Anyway, on Saturday DH and I babysat for my nephews J (3yrs) and N (18mos). OMG they are the cutest! When we got there L said Good Luck they are horrible today! and basically ran out of the house as if it was on fire. As I stood at the door trying to keep N from crying for mommy I was thinking Im in for a long night. Crying lasted about 2.3 seconds and then everything was fine. It turned out great! I don't know what I was thinking they are always so good for us. N finally said my name and we taught him to say Go Blue (he loves football) and it was the sweetest thing. They just melt my heart! They ate good and went to bed right on time no problems. I often think about what my babies would have been like at that age because they would have been the same exact age as my nephews. Sometimes I wonder about it when I am watching them play. When I watch J with his active wild imagination or N with his tough no fear attitude, I wonder would they have all been close like siblings? I am sure they would have been, I have always been close with my cousins. It would have been nice. I often wonder if by the time I have kids (if I ever succeed) are they going to be all alone. Are they going to have anyone to play with? All my friends will have grown up children, same with L. I know of all the things to worry about right?...but really it just makes me sad.
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