Blind Sided

So here I am or was, on a Sunday night watching some of my favorite shows. The last week...because of the Olympics have pretty much been reruns except for the few crazy, crap TV, reality shows I watch and one or 2 others,. So I was excited last night that some good new shows were on.

1 was the Amaz.ing Race and Unde.rcover Boss, which BTW I think every CEO should do. If you did not start from the bottom in your company and work your way up then you should go out and get a taste of what it is REALLY like for the average everyday Joe out in the world. It always cracks me up when the CEO announce to all the other "higher ups" that he is going to go undercover they always say, "is there something you think you can learn better by going undercover rather then just going in as yourself?" UM DUH I don't know if this is just me but it seems to be common sense that you would learn more going undercover. I know when I was told the "big boss" was coming we made sure everything was in tip top condition. We did EXACTLY what we were suppose to do and when asked questions we answered them in a straight forward fashion...not really saying what you REALLY would like to say because lets face it...you would like to keep your job. So I do not know why they ask that question...but I digress.

10:00 rolls around and one of my favorite shows, "Brot.hers ans S1sters" comes on.  First, let me say, if you are in a bad place and you watch this show but have not yet...DON'T...or be fore warned this is going to be a SPOILER. This show has been a good show they showed Kitty losing a pregnancy and turning to adoption which I liked that they did it that way...they did not have her bounce back and get pregnant again right away like it was no big deal. They have the gay brother and his husband using a surrogate (who happens to be Whitney's from The Hi.lls and The Cit.y CRAZY friend and roommate). Anyway so  they show different aspects of getting pregnant...not all is rosey.

 Now Rebecca got pregnant and they have been showing the struggle with Justin not being ready, but all was starting to work out until last night. Rebecca is in the kitchen and all of sudden she feels cramps or something and says she needs to go to the hospital because something is wrong with the baby. I think nothing of it. They already did the miscarriage thing...

After they come back from commercial they show her in the hospital bed. Nora is asking her to drink some water and she says she is not thirsty. I still do not get it. I think drink the water, you are pregnant and maybe you are dehydrated and that is not good. Then they talk some more and WHAM it hits me...She lost the baby! Blind sided I started bawling, which is silly I mean it is just a show after all and I did not react like this when Kitty lost her baby. Watching her lay in the hospital bed just saying she would much rather be at home. Asking Justin to turn on the TV when he is trying to say anything to make it better but failing miserably. I felt the pain in my gut...in my heart. It brought me back to the hospital the first time. It is why now I avoid the hospital when having a miscarriage if at all possible. There is nothing they can do there except confirm your worst fears. Make you sit there for hours and hours for no good reason and all you want to do is go home crawl into bed and never wake up. She says she wants to go home and pretend it never happened...oh if only it were that easy...

Later they show her going to Kitty's announcement to the press that she is going to run for senator and Rebecca comes in to her holding her baby. The look in her eyes just showed exactly what we all feel when we see that. She put a smile on her face like we all do but she tried to get out of there fast!

The one that got me the most was, she is making Justin's favorite brownie recipe she got from his mom for Valentine's Day. He comes in having ran around town getting all her favorite foods from a million different places. He tells her to eat he will finish the brownies. She saysNO...he keeps trying and then she says... (paraphrased)I NEED TO DO THIS. I planned on doing this. I got the recipe from your mom. I bought the best chocolate. I need to do this because I PLANNED to do this and I NEED something to work out like I planned. This statement hit me HARD! I know all too well what this feels like but I realized that since that day 5 years ago when I lost my first angel and the 3 others since then...nothing will ever go as planned because everything I have done or will do since then does not involve my child and THAT DEFINITELY IS NOT HOW I PLANNED IT!...and that really sucks!

I was a mess for a while after the show. It just shocks me sometimes how this grief thing can just hit you from out of no where. From a TV show that is not real I get the wind knocked out of me. Just when you think you got it all under control grief jabs you in the gut and says "hey DON"T forget about me.!" and you just never know when that is going to be. Well I just have to say, don't worry grief...there is no forgetting here.