One step forward...10 steps back

I guess I should not have opened my big fat mouth last week and said I was making progress. I jinxed it. Today hubby got paid and we were going to take that money and pay off the rest of the money to the lawyer and I set up an appointment with the lawyer for next week. Things were rolling along. BIG set back today. Hubby went to pick up his check and his wages were garnished. They took HALF of his check!!!!!

Why oh Why? I just needed this one last check and then next week it would have been stopped. Now everything is getting pushed back 2 to 3 weeks and we are going to have to live on pretty much nothing during this time. The MAJOR problem with pushing it back 3 weeks is that there is another place that could garnish his wages at any time now. Plus this month is crazy with birthdays and weddings and all those other extra costs that are not in your regular budget.

My brain is spinning in a million directions. I stared at a budget today for like 6 hours calculating and re- calculating thinking what? I am not sure? Hoping maybe money would just magically appear...no such luck! I just am so frustrated! I want to know everything is going to be ok because right now it just does not feel that way.

Let's not mention that my dog is so so sick. He is throwing up every where!!! He has not been himself for the past few weeks and then today he just started throwing up. I feel so bad for him. I wish he could talk and tell what is going on with him. It makes me sad to see him this way.

So I say all this to say I am sorry if I have been bad lately. I have been reading but not commenting much. Once I get this figured out I will be better I promise! Please send good thoughts and prayers and if anyone knows any  good chants, potion, or dance lol advice to reverse this horrible luck I have had lately I would really appreciate it!

I hope everyone is doing much better then I.


xxooxxoo

Just some updates

Been busy but I am finally starting to feel like I am making some progress. I am still very far from my goal but at least we will finally be filing our bankruptcy. I have been getting all the info together and the rest of the money. Soon I will get all these bill collectors off my back. YAY!!!

Also, I have been helping my mom with a garage sale. FYI garage sales seem like a good idea but they really are not. It takes a whole lot of time and energy and you do not make much money. Though my mom needs every dime she can get and she definitely can not do it by herself so I spent last Thursday and Friday helping her and we are back at it again tomorrow. YUCK!!

The next month is going to be CRAZY for me. Filing the bankruptcy, doctors, dentists, weddings, party's, we have our nephews over night, my oldest nephews birthday and my youngest nephews birthday, and our anniversary. Wow all that is making me tired just thinking about it. UGH!

Anyway, I hope all is well with you!

Fears

So last night I was up until something like 4:00 am. My mind was racing a mile a minute...Why? because I saw a show about someone who was fine one day and gone the next. He was young (35 or 36)...healthy...died of a heart attack. What!? And then because I believe strongly that things happen for a reason, every once in a while this will happen - I see something, hear something, or read something and then I think it was put before me to tell me BEWARE!!!! this may happen to your hubby! Now this does not happen every time but there are times like this. It goes away after a day but still. am I crazy?

I always say that my worst fear is that I will never be a mother. This is a HUGE fear!!!!! However, if I am really being honest my absolute worst fear is being left alone. I have abandonment issues ( I blame my father leaving. I find things always make me feel better if I blame father LOL)...anyway. Hubby always gets mad because I always tell him I want to go first because I do not want to be left alone (maybe this is because at the time I do not have children) In fact just the other day we had some major storms. Severe thunderstorms and tornado warnings and all. I don't mind storms. I just hate severe storms and tornados. I know who really likes them? But for example he will sleep through them or go right out in the middle to watch if I let him. I have had some bad experiences so I will not. So anyway, the other night I tell him I want him to stay up until the dtorms pass as I watch the weather and they are headed right for us. He says, "all it is a bad storm & some wind" (BTW a tornado hit about 45 minutes or so away and wiped out a lot of homes) To which I say, "there is a huge tree that the wind could knock over and my luck it would fall right on the bed where you and all the animals will be sleeping. " He says, "Thanks a lot! (rolling his eyes) That is not going to happen!" Which to me is the kiss of doom! Then I say "who ever says I think a tree is going to fall on me today?" (or whatever the scenario is at the time) Now I have snowballed it into the end of the world in my head. So because he is the wonderful husband that he is, he stayed up and guess what...by the time it got to us it was some heavy rain and that is it.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea, like I run around in mass hysteria stating it is the end of the world. Most of this happens in my head. Even the conversation above with my hubby was said half laughingwhile in my head imagining how much my world would crumble if it actually happened. But it bothers me that something as simple as a TV show can keep me up for hours. Is it just me? Am I crazy? Does anyone else do this because whenever I talk about this people look at me like I am nuts.

Obviously I know that you can't live your life in fear. I DON"T! I am a worrier and for that there is NO DOUBT! But I am not some wierdo that doesn't do anything or try things because I fear it. These are thoughts that pass through my mind. Maybe linger there for a day or so and then go away...til the next time or when I have something new to worry about. I also must say I have gotten so much better then I used to be. It used to be WAY WORSE! Does anyone else do this? What are your fears?

So SO Sorry!

WOW I have been away for a while. I am sorry. I have not been keeping up with reading or writing lately. Things have been crazy with me. I was getting sick of whining and complaining and kind of sick of the computer all together so I have stayed away for a while. It has felt like I have been getting dumped on for the last few weeks. I felt like I was going to lose it all together but I think I am starting to get a handle on things now.

 After getting served another set of papers for another suit against we finally sucked it up and went and had our talk with my MIL. We explained about the bankruptcy and how they may ask her for the money that we have paid her and we even asked to borrow more money to help pay for the bankruptcy seeing as now we will have 2 places trying to garnish his wages. Amazingly she and FIL took it very well and they gave us 800 towards it. So within the next couple weeks we will have that all set and ready to go. I was pleasantly surprised and VERY thankful they did that for us. They even took us out to dinner that night. So all turned out well with that. Now I just have to get everything together for the lawyer so it can be filed.

My doggy got hurt AGAIN and was crying out in pain last week. He is better now. We had some meds left over from the last time so that helped. We were planning on going camping with my sis and my nephews over memorial weekend but we did not go due to money. I was very bummed out about it. Joey the 4 almost 5 year old went down on the zip line. Here is a picture of my brave brave boy at the bottom of the zip line. That zip line was high and sis said he just wanted to know how he would be safe and once they explained to him he was good to go and he did it twice. How nice to be a kid with such innocence. I wish I would have been there to see it.



Anyway, I hope everyone else had a very nice memorial weekend...I know a little late but better late then never. I will be stopping by and getting caught and hopefully be writing more often now. Talk to you all soon.

xxooxxoo

WTF? These parents get to have kids and I don't?!?!

OK so sorry I have been away for a while. I have had a lot of things going on. I promise I will get caught up with all of you over the next few days and actually write a post. To hold you over take a look at this FABULOUS parenting job these parents are doing...

http://www.dlisted.com/node/37418

WTF? The parents of this child are allowed to procreate and I am not! This really pisses me off!

Crap, CRap and more CRAP!!!

What a week the last week has been! It has sucked to say the least! First I worked my moms driving job on Monday and I thought things went well. there were only 2 stops and it went smoothly. There was a stop where they wanted me to pick up like 20 or so HEAVY parts. When I got there I had 6 to drop off which were VERY HEAVY and I have a bad back. My mom told me to just ask them to help. I did...they did not. They told me to back up the car and they would load it with the parts they needed to return. My mom told me to tell them I could only take back 2. I did...they got mad. They then took a lot of time to give me the paper work before I could leave. I knew they were doing it on purpose so I kept a smile on my face and just waited. It did not matter to me at all...I was getting paid by the hour. Anyway, so the next my mom went and they gave her a hard time too. She then gets a call saying they called to complain about her and me and so she was fired from that route. That is a bunch of CRAP! She has worked for them for 3 years and everyone else on that route LOVE her. They kept asking about her while she was gone. The person that called to complain made up lies about what happened. Saying either I or my mom (not clear on who he said) had thrown a part across the floor. I could barely lift them so I KNOW I did not throw them! Anyway, I was very upset and feeling really bad! It really sucks when you KNOW you did nothing wrong yet you are getting screwed! Or rather my mom got screwed. I am not sure what she is going to do now and I just would really love to give someone a piece of my mind. Please say a prayer for her that she finds something soon!

Then of course I got a SEVERE toothache at 5:00 on Friday. Does that not figure? So I had to go all night before I could get into the dentist. I never slept because I was in so much pain. It came out of no where my tooth never even twinged before and then it went from 0 to I want to shoot myself in the head in 1 minute.

I got a new cell phone and have had to send it back for a new one 3 times due to no signal at my house. The latest one I received still is not getting a signal but I am still receiving calls so I am going to wait a few days to see what happens.

I applied for a job that my resume was a perfect match for. I mean everything I had in my resume was EXACTLY what they were looking for but today I get an email saying I am not qualified for that job. I just do not even understand. These people are not even reading my resume...OBVIOUSLY. IT is so so FRUSTRATING!

This week I have a million and one things to do. I really hope this week goes much better. How are things with you? I hope well...I could use some good news!

xxooxxoo

The Celebratory Society

Mel, in her infinite wisdom, and her ability to always seem to know exactly what I need, came up with a new idea...


Think of this as the most interesting delurking project you'll ever participate in.  After giving back to others at the Celebratory Society, I have decided to participate in it myself.  You can understand the project in full by clicking here, but in brief, the Celebratory Society is an online festschrift for a blogger--a way for you to tell me what my blog or actions mean to you.  


It feels weird to be asking for compliments but after the last year month week day I have had I could really use it. But this isn't just about me--this is about you too.  And I would love it if you returned to your own blog, started your own Celebratory Society post, added it to the main project list, and gave me the opportunity to tell you about...you.

Driving myself crazy!

This week has been kind of a crazy week. My mom had to fly down to Florida because my grandmother is not doing well at all. They are trying to figure out what to do with her since she can not be alone because she can't take care of herself. It is basically a mess and it is very aggravating to me the way my mom and Aunts are handling this but anyway...

So my mother has a job where she delivers and picks up parts from transmission shops basically all over the southern half of our state. It is crazy that she does this. I mean she drives thousands and thousands of miles a month and does not make hardly any money for it especially when you figure she basically has to get a new car every year because driving this much ruins her cars. Plus the gas, regular maintenance and the time. We have tried to tell her it makes no sense that she does this job but she does not listen. So anyway, this last week she told them she had to go to Florida to see her mother that was sick and they told her she had to find someone to cover for her and do her route. Now this route goes hours away from where she lives and she has to do it EVERY DAY. She told them off and told them they would have to find someone because they could not prevent her from going since it was an emergency. She then thought since I needed some money and I could use her car she asked me if I wanted to do it. My first reaction was NO WAY! But after some thought I realized I could use some extra money due to my current financial situation and since it really would not do anything to me because I would use her car I thought sure I would do it.

Well, let me tell you...that job sucks. First my mom tells me how she loves the new car she got. I HATE it!!! I felt like I was fighting with the car the whole time about whether or not it wanted to stay on the road. Of course I got all the stops that she said she hoped I would not get since they were so far away and hard to find. I also am a person that gets stressed out when I am driving in unfamiliar territory. Once I have been there once it is not bad but if I have no idea I HATE IT! Well seeing as so far on the 2 days I have done it all the stops have been different except one it has not been easy. On the first day after driving forever I got to the last stop and realized that I forgot to pick up a part at the previous stop I then had to backtrack 35 miles and go pick it up. It sucked! Plus I was using my moms GPS and when I had it take me home it led me right into construction hell. It took forever to get home. I would have used my phone GPS that tells when there is a traffic back up or construction but I do not have a car charger for it yet so the phone would have died when I needed it most. So there I was stuck and going crazy. It was very FRUSTRATING!

Then yesterday it was stormy and rainy and the GPS kept going out on me. I would call my mother and she tried to tell me she never had that problem with GPS on rainy days but I find that hard to believe. It did clear up later and I was able to finish without having to call my mom every 5 minutes to find out where to go. All I have to say is THANK GOD for GPS! I would have never done it had it not been for that wonderful piece of technology.

So I have 1 more day on Monday to do this and then I am done. The only thing I worry about is now my mom is talking about all this time she wants to take off and have me fill in. I told her I did want to do it for the next 24 days so I could make enough for my bankruptcy. She laughed so I am taking that as a No. Oh well, pray that Monday goes better then Thurs and Fri. went.

Today, I am feeling crappy! My sinuses are horrible and I feel like someone has knocked me over the head. tomorrow is mother's day and since my mom is not around I will be going to MIL's and I am nervous about that. We still have not talked to her and it is going to get quite unavoidable since she is expecting us to make our monthly payment to her. UGH!

I do have to say that this last week has not been the dreaded week before Mother's Day it usually is. I think its has made a big difference not working. There is no one around that is constantly saying, "what are your mother's day plans...etc"  So that is good...I guess.

Anyway, I hope all is well your way and for all the Mothers I really hope you have a WONDERFUL MOTHER"S DAY!

xxooxxoo

Bankruptcy drama

So how is everyone doing? Me I am ok I guess. I have been dealing with the whole bankruptcy thing. We ended up finding a new lawyer because the last one ended up being an idioutt. This new one is great! He gave us some good news and some bad. The good news is we can claim chapter 7 which I am very happy about. the bad part is...well a little back story.

We borrowed some money from my MIL to help purchase our car after our last one was repoed. Well it turns out that the courts may go after her for the money we have paid her and slit it between my creditors. Our lawyer told us not to pay her any more money until after we are discharged. He said to tell her that if they do go after her that we will pay her back that money as well, which obviously we will but I am TERRIFIED to tell her. I am trying to get hubby to go have a talk with her WITHOUT me. I am afraid that she blames me for all of this and she is already not happy that we are declaring bankruptcy. We have no choice though. If we do not do the bankruptcy soon we won't be able to pay her back because they are going to be garnishing hubby's wages. We received notice that they entered a default judgment against for the car so it is only a matter of weeks before they start taking there money. We also have to figure out how to pull 1200 dollars out of our butt to start the process. I am not sure how we are going to do this. It is constantly on my mind and I am so stressed out!!!!! I guess asking my MIL to borrow the money is kinds out of the question...lol we are screwed. I keep trying to tell myself this will pass. Once we get through this hard part a lot of pressure will be taken off of shoulders but that just seems so far away right now.

We went and celebrated BIL's b-day today. My nephews were cute as always. We babysat on Friday and then I saw them yesterday but when I walked in today No.ah said to me " I missed you Aunt Shell". Aww that just melts my heart. I made the cutest recording on my phone of him saying his ABC's. It is the cutest ABC's ever. I listen to it all the time just to bring a smile to my face. I am trying to figure out how to get on my computer so I can share it here. When I figure it out I will post.

Well, that is pretty much all that is going on here. Hockey is starting and as many of you probably know it is my favorite time...hockey playoffs and my Red Wings are playing. Go WINGS!!!


If anyone has any advice on how to break this to my MIL PLEASE let me know. I can use all the advice I can get.

I hope all is well with you!

xxooxxoo

Project IF - What if?

Ah the "what if" game...it is a game I am a master at...a game I can play all day long without even really trying. I have run through so many "what if", sometimes I think I belong in the looney bin.

What if - Someone would have listened to me earlier when I told them I had PCOS but they assured me no I didn't only to find out 4 years later YES in fact I did.
What if - I had money to spend on the infertility treatments?
What if - I would have not listened to all the health classes in school that told me I could get pregnant at a drop of a hat and therefore I protected myself all those years. Ha what a joke that turned out to be...
What if - I did not lose 4 babies?
What if - what if  - WHAT IF?

I could do this all day long but the biggest what if to me, and I am sure it is common amongst most (if not all) us infertiles, is What if I never become a mom? Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I do not know if I can live with that. I can not imagine the rest of my life without a child, and hopefully multiple children, in it.

It strikes me sometimes when I hear people talking about children, how common having children is. It is normal for most every person yet I can not seem to get there. I never imagined my life without children. I can't picture just me and my hubby for the rest of our lives. Although, 10 years ago when I started this journey I never imagined I would make it through all that I have made it through.

 When I started I thought...What if I am right that I can't have children without medical assistance. I can't live with that." But I found I couldn't and I have lived through it.

When I started clomid I thought What if this does not work? There is no way I can do shots myself. I hate needles. I will not be able to handle it."  Clomid did not work. I have since "shot myself up" with all kinds of stuff. Done all kinds of procedures. I am still here.

When I got pregnant the first time I thought "what if I lose this baby? No that would never happen because God knows what I have been through and surely he knows I CAN NOT HANDLE that. It would be so utterly unfair and heartbreaking I would surely not make it". I lost that baby. I am still kicking.

When I got pregnant the 2nd time I thought What if I go through another loss? No way would this happen to me again. My heart can not take it." I lost that one...my heart is still ticking.

When I got pregnant the 3rd time I thought What if I am one of those people that have miscarriage after miscarriage. I can't be one of "those people" I can't do it. My heart will be shattered and I will surely die"
I lost that one and the next and yet I am still here. Making it.

So now my biggest what if is What if I never become a mom? It repeats in my head like a broken record yet I am terrified of what life would be if I never get to have a child but I am also TERRIFIED to really keep thinking that because everytime I though I would never make it through. The worst(at that time) happened and I am still here alive, my heart still in one piece although sometime it does not feel fully intact. I am still TRYING to move forward. I am still living life. So it was almost like those things happen just to show me what I thought I could not do, I could. So I am afraid to think of What if I do not become a mom? Because I am TERRIFIED I will find out.

Maybe, I need to start thinking..."What if I have to have kids...man that would suck!" The problem with that is I could never get my head or heart to believe it so I do not think it will work. UGH I HATE "WHAT IF"!!!!

The better "What if" would be..."What if my biggest fear never comes true? What if my hubby gets to be the WONDERFUL dad I know he will be? What if we get to have some beautiful children and live happily ever after?"  Ahhh now tose are some "what ifs" that I can get behind! Oh to dream...


It is National Infertility Awareness Week to find out more about infertility please visit RESOLVE or for the history of National Infertility Awareness Week click on this link.

To participate in Project IF - What if... go visit Mel's place and read this post with all the background and info. I hope all of us that have to play this "What if" game get to see that are worst fears were unfounded and all our dreams really do come true! Much love and hugs to all my infertility brothers and sisters. You are all the support that keeps me going when I think I can't anymore. Thank you!

Life as an Infertile - National Infertility Awareness Week 04/25/10 - 05/01/10

National Infertility Awareness Week, well it may be that way for most people in the world but I have awareness every single day of my life. I have to live with infertility and there is just really no words to describe the pain, anguish, frustration, and utter hopelessness that goes along with infertility.

Infertility, has shaped my life. Though I never wanted that to happen it is pretty difficult, if not impossible, for it not to. The problem is...every single day...sometimes every single minute you are reminded of what you do not have...what you long for...what you heart physically aches for. Whether it be from commercials, TV shows, kids in the neighborhood, baby aisles at the store or getting the constant FB updates from a pregnant friend, or a family member calling you giddy with excitement because they just are bursting because they can't wait to tell everyone they are pregnant. You say congratulations while inside thinking "shit not another one" and kicking yourself for being such a BEE-ATCH for thinking such things. Normal people are happy for others. Normal people can go to a baby shower without psyching themselves up and maybe some alcohol prior and then willing the tears back into their eyes as everyone gushes over the pregnant mommy. That is how it should be but infertility has turned you into a SCROOGE! You are torn between being angry that everyone can't JUST UNDERSTAND how hard this is for you and be considerate after all, you deserve an award for putting yourself through the worst thing EVER IN LIFE, and realizing that you have many things to be thankful for and there are so many more people out there that have worse problems THEY are the ones that deserve the award. You are being selfish.

You feel like you have to put your whole life on hold because you never know this month could be the month that the world cosmically rights itself and you will FINALLY see the positive pregnancy test and will be able to actually have a real live baby. So it is best not to make any travel plans because you will be 7 months pregnant at the time and we do not want to take any chances. You do have a brief moment of clarity where you realize that this is a pipe dream but you blow that off as that is the obvious ridiculous thought of the two.

You take your pregnancy test month after month only to see a BFN and actually be surprised even though you have seen the same thing for a million months in a row. Now you could actually plan your trip but wait I think I might have forgot something...oh yah maybe it is the 15,000 I now need to save for IVF for just the chance of having the one thing that would make your life complete. I guess it is ramen noodles for dinner.

I know maybe I should "just relax" because a friend of mine told me that her cousin's friend's mother's sister in law was trying for 15 years and then she decided to give up and the next thing she knew she was pregnant. Or maybe I should adopt because we all know that I can go to adoptions r us and pick out my  baby (since there are so many children waiting to be adopted) give them a hundred bucks or so and bring home my baby. It is really a very quick and simple process. I am selfish to be trying all this other stuff. Also, once I do that I am sure to get pregnant because adoption is the cure to all.

These are the things and statements I deal with on a daily basis. What a fertile person does not understand is that those comments I hear are about as logical as saying "why don't you become a crack addict?" because we all know crack addicts have babies ALL the time. For you as a fertile person having a baby means you and your significant other  have a romantic night, light some candles, do your thing in the bedroom and 9 months later a baby pops out. For me as an infertile, it involves me and my hubby but he is only there holding my hand. He offers his donation at an earlier time. It also involves a few doctors and nurses, needles, drugs, dildo cams, tubes, THOUSANDS of dollars (I do not have)  and I am sure other things I am not thinking of. When we "make a baby" it feels more like a science experiment then an act of love. Remember that the next time you think we are doing this because we want to have a "designer baby" .

I may sound bitter. I may sound angry, and sad. I AM but...I am also happy, calm, in love with my husband and I am grateful! I KNOW there are many people who have much much worse things happen to them, although I do have to mention that sometimes it does not feel like it. I also know that many of the comments or thoughts you think or say, as a fertile person, is not because you are trying to be vicious or mean, it is because you do not know what it is like to be me. Be thankful for that...

That is why we have National Infertility Awareness week. So we can bring education to those who do not know. Many times we feel forgotten and very misunderstood. So maybe you ran into this blog by mistake. Thinking you were stumbling onto a "mommy" blog. Well, sorry for that but I hope you stayed to read and see what it is like on the other side. That is really why I started this blog so I could educate people and find support and understanding. It is the mix of emotions that I have talked about here that a lot of times leaves me feeling very lonely and a lot of times crazy. If you are a fellow infertile and reading this (and I know most of you are) I thank you for offering me the support I need so desperately and the understanding that only you can really offer.

In the end, if I finally have the baby I have been wanting for so long it will be all worth it. If I don't...then I will have to cross that bridge when I get there...I only that hope I will say it was all worth it anyway.

Thank you so much for reading!

xxooxxoo

Save the dolphins

Here is my earth day contribution.

If you know me, you know how much I LVOE LOVE LOVE dolphins! I have pictures and knick knacks of dolphins all over my house. They are amazing animals! They are smart and they are BEAUTIFUL! I just saw the SLAUGHTER of thousands and thousands of them on Oprah today. It is depicted in the Academy Award winning film The Cove. I am HEART BROKEN!

Please check out the website and take a moment to send a letter to the president. It is already written you just need to add your name and any comments. Thank you!

 http://www.savejapandolphins.org

Happy Earth Day!

xxoo

    

Notice to SPAMMERS

I tried to send a response to the email I posted previously but OF COURSE the email does not work. Neither do the feedback forms on her websites. I am shocked. Since I could not respond to her in email I will do it here.

Notice to SPAMMERS...most notably Jenell Mann

#1 Before telling me you LOVE my blog...read it first. It could prevent problems. If you took even just a few seconds to read 1 SENTENCE of my blog you would see that my blog is about INFERTILITY and the RECURRENT MISCARRIAGES I have had and that I have been struggling for 10 years to have a baby and I have NOT been successful. Thanks to you I am now reminded of this inability to have children and therefore not able to offer any advice for your...whatever you are doing.


#2 Do not ask infertile people and people who have suffered from MANY miscarriages advice on being a mother or having children. I DO NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN AND THEREFORE CAN NOT OFFER ADVICE ON THAT SUBJECT. If you would like advice on how to handle stupid people and the stupid comments I receive all the time or how to function in a fertile, baby driven world and be an infertile person and try to stay sane, then I could write forever on that subject.


#3 The only advice I have for new mothers and for raising children would be...

 

APPRECIATE THE GIFT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN AND NEVER TAKE FOR GRANTED YOUR CHILDREN! THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT WOULD DO ANYTHING TO BE IN YOUR PLACE. SO IF YOU ARE SO TIRED FROM LACK OF SLEEP OR FEEL YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY TIME FOR YOURSELF REMEMBER ME...I HAVE LOST BABIES AND PRAY EVERY DAY THAT I COULD HAVE A SLEEPLESS NIGHT BECAUSE MY BABY IS CRYING!

#4 In in the future please read at least 1 post of the blog you are spamming. Actually you could have just read the side bar or in the title of my blog you would have seen this was NOT a mommy blog.

 

#5 REMOVE ME FROM ANY EMAIL LISTS YOU HAVE!!!!!

Thanks!

 

I LOVE YOUR BLOG...well maybe you should read it first!

So I opened my email today and got a really nice email from someone telling me they LOVE my blog and wanted some advice. Here is the email. Please let me know if you can figure what the obvious problem would be with this email...

Hi,

My name is name deleted (mommy to triplets plus 1!!) I love your blog, tobabyandbeyond.blogspot.com.

I have a quick question for you.  What is the #1 tip you'd give to new parents?  My hubby and I have a Free Pregnancy iPhone app that is being used by 1000's of new parents every day. We are adding a section of baby 101 tips AND we are reaching out to our favorite baby/parenting/mommy/daddy blogs.  If you'd be willing to provide a quick tip,  just a sentence or two of your best advice and we will use it in our app.  We will include your website as the source and we will provide a link back to your site. Our apps are only a few months old and its already been installed nearly 50,000 times. So this would be amazing exposure for your blog AND it would only take you a few minutes. If you are interested please respond with your #1 tip for new parents and let us know which website to link back to when we include your tip in our app.  
(Link deleted because I do not think they should get a|ANY exposure!!!!)
Its one of the few 100% FREE baby countdown apps and its loaded with pregnancy tools!

Lastly we are also working on one other project, compiling the best list of free baby samples toll free numbers anywhere. As parents of triplets we know how expensive babies can be.  We put together a list of over 55 free baby samples phone numbers and we turned it into an easy widget.  Anyone can place the widget in the sidebar of their blog to share the samples with their readers.  The great thing is the widget is community driven, users can report a number that is no longer active OR report new offers.  Many of the offers just require a quick phone call- free diapers, wipes even formula samples.  Check it out below...You can use it to get free diapers and samples and even include it on your blog
(Link deleted to she should not get any exposure)

Please let me know if you have any questions- and I hope you are interested in sending your best parenting tip!

Thanks,

(Name deleted)

OK so this REALLY pisses me off!!! First off lady you obviously did not read my blog AT ALL because if you did you would know this a blog about NOT being able to have babies!  So you LIED when you said you loved my blog!!! You just want exposure for your stuff!!! Well you ain't gettin it from me.

So I am going to respond but I am going to give her some INFERILE advice. Please let me know some great advice that I can include in my email to this idiot lady. Thanks!

xxooxxoo

Which way do I go?

So, I am sorry that I have been silent as of late but I have been really having a hard time. It has not been a "normal" hard time for me. One where I feel the need to discuss and discuss and make plans and try to figure every thing out. I mean I have been doing that just not the discussing part of it. I have been battling it out in my brain. Some days I am winning and other days not so much. I regret to say that even here on my blog, the one place where I swore I would always say what is on my mind. I came here and said everything was fine. I wrote it hoping that maybe saying it here would just make it true...it has not.

I mean I did have a nice Easter but what I did not say was that all day I felt like I was teetering on the edge. Anything made me want to cry. We went to my sisters in the morning for brunch and the thought of going to my MILs later that day was making me sick to my stomach. All I wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed and stay there. I didn't because I really did not feel like explaining why I was not going to show up. So I sucked it up and it was nice. My MIL got a new Ip.ad so I spent a lot of time playing with that, which btw it is really cool, and we played outside with my nephews. It turned out to be an ok day but I did not talk much that day. I was afraid to open my mouth too much. Afraid I was going to burst into tears and look like a crazy person.

I feel like a failure. I feel like I have let my husband down...I have let myself down and I do not know where to go from here. I understand that I am not alone that many people are going through the same things that I am  going through. I KNOW I am not alone but I FEEL so LONELY!

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and very jittery. I hate this feeling. I have suffered from panic attacks in the past and they are not fun. I have since learned how to handle them and I have not had a full out panic attack in a while but lately it feels like it is coming. It is not a good feeling. It is hard to describe to anyone that has not been through it.

I said here I went to my friends house and we celebrated her b-day. We had fun...a lot of fun! But what I did not say was that someone asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears. It only lasted for a few minutes but I do not know where it came from. I did not say for the 1st time I felt a huge divide between me and my closest friends. I felt really left out. They all have kids and have grown up together. I mean I have been friends with them for 15 years but this is the 1st time I felt different. Nothing specific happened to make me feel this way. No one said anything. Everyone was caring and understanding and we laughed and laughed but still I felt like an outsider and that sucked!

I guess a lot lately I feel like an outsider to my life. Like things are going out of control and I have no way to stop it. The weird thing is I do not feel depressed I just feel anxious. I feel like my head is going in a million directions and I do not know how to get it going one direction. I fear making the wrong decision. I want to take the shortest path to my ultimate goal but it is really hard when I can not even see the path at all.

I am frustrated and I am angry. I just wish someone could say do this...go here...do that...and all will be fine. Unfortunately nobody can do that. I just need to take a deep breath and realize that this too will pass. I do believe everything happens for a reason. I just really wish I knew what the reason was.

So that is what has been going on with me. I hope all is well with you and I will be catching up with all of you this week.

xxoo

Update and Congrats!

Wow a week has gone by and I have not written. So sorry. I have been reading and trying to keep up but I have not been commenting much. My hubby has been on vacation this week so we have been spending time together and he has been using the computer a lot.

We had a very nice Easter. Monday I went to my friends house for her birthday. Her hubby took the kids to Tenn. to see his family and since she had to work she stayed home. So the girls had a girls night pajama/birthday party. It was a lot of fun. I have been getting all my stuff together for the bankruptcy. I had to delay the appointment for a little over a week because I could not afford to pick up my taxes from the tax guy. What else is new?

Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know I am here and till alive and kicking. I will get all caught up tarting next week. I hope all i well with everyone.

I wanted to say a BIG congrats to Knocked up, Knocked down on having her baby and Sunny in Seattle on the birth of her twins. Congrats to both of you. I am truly happy for both of you!!

Also, not only did Monica just finally have her real baby but she had her second one...her book came out! I placed my order and you should too. Go to Amazon.com and buy her book

Knocked Up, Knocked Down: Postcards of Miscarriage and Other Misadventures from the Brink of Parenthood (Paperback). I am sure it is just as amazing as she is!

Hershey's Better Basket Blog Hop

So Easter is coming and what is fun and yummy about Easter? Easter baskets. I have always loved them especially ones filled with my favorite...Hershey's chocolate. What could be better?

How about a basket for my bloggy friend filled with virtual chocolate? No...not as good as the real thing. Well I kinda agree but this is for a good cause. The Therapist Is In left me a basket on her blog supporting  The Hershey's Better Basket Blog Hop. Join me and you can help raise $5000 for the Children's Miracle Network.

All you have to do is follow these easy rules...

HERSHEY’S BETTER BASKET BLOG HOP RULES

• Copy and paste these rules to your blog post.
• Create a blog post giving a virtual Easter Basket to another blogger – you can give as many Virtual Baskets as you want.
• Link back to person who gave you an Easter Basket.
• Let each person you are giving a Virtual Easter Basket know you have given them a Basket.
• Leave your link at BetterBasket.info/BlogHop comment section. You can also find the official rules of this #betterbasket blog hop, and more information about Better Basket with Hershey’s there.
• Hershey’s is donating $10 per each blog participating to the Better Basket Blog Hop to Children’s Miracle Network (up to total of $5,000 by blog posts written by April 4th, 2010).
• Please note that only one blog post by each blog url will count towards the donation.

I'm leaving a bloggy Easter basket for . . .

Stacey's Thoughts on Infertility

Life, Love & Persuit of Our Fairytale

Iamstacey's Blog

and anyone else who would like to join a good cause.

Happy Easter all!

It was in the movie. It MUST be true! ;0

So I had a pretty boring weekend. Yesterday was rainy and just plain blah. Just watched movies with hubby. He is very excited because in 1 week he will be on vacation. We, of course, are not doing anything but he definitely needs and deserves the time off.

We went and got a 2nd opinion from another lawyer at the end of last week. This lawyer said we COULD claim chapter 7. Now I am confused. I did not want to tell him we saw another lawyer so I just kept asking are you sure? He said yes. So we are going to go with him but I am going to expect that when he actually crunches the numbers he will see that we have to do chapter 13. I will expect that and be happy if that does not happen. We have an appointment 04/07 to get everything officially rolling. I can not wait til it is over!

On the lighter side of things...I just wanted to tell all of you I have found some answers that I have been seeking for a long time...

Saturday, I went to my sisters to see my nephews and when they went to bed her and i watched a movie. Have any of you seen The Time Trave.ler's Wife? Well don't if you haven't it was a BIG waste of time! It was a terrible movie but it wa in this movie I found my answers. See the woman had a miscarriage and at first I was like...great not again. It seems they are sticking this in every movie and show lately. Then she had multiple miscarriages and they figured it out that the reason she was having these miscarriages was because the baby had the same thing the father did and so the baby was time traveling outside of the womb and when this happened since the baby was not developed yet of course she miscarried. It was the that a light bulb went off in my head...Ah HAH that is the answer! Many doctors have not been able to figure why I "habitually miscarry". Now I am going to make an appointment and tell them about this new found information. I am sure they never thought of this but I am equally sure now that this is my problem!!! If only this movie would have come out earlier I probably could have avoided so much heart break. I suggest all of you who have had the same issues go get this checked out immediately. All of our babies are having a "time travel" party. They are al meeting somewhere and having the time of their lives. I am not sure why they do not test for this right away. It seems so obvious....HAHAHAHAHA!!!

My sis and I laughed a lot about this. She said she would like to be there if I go tell my doc this. I think he might have me committed...but I am pretty sure they would not put this stuff in a movie if it wasn't true. Right?

Gotta have a sense of humor about this stuff or I think I would snap.

Anyway, I hope all of you are well and had a great weekend!

xxooxxoo
  

What is it like?

I look at you and I wonder...What would it be like to be you? How does it ACTUALLY feel to be a different person then who I am right now. I am sitting at my computer and typing away. What are you doing?

We are driving down the same road and my thoughts seem to jump from "wow what a beautiful day" to "I wish I had a child to take to the park to enjoy this day". As you drive, do you wish you could get a moment to yourself? To sit at a park bench and feel the sun on your face. No children screaming mommy.

I come home to an excited dog happy to see me and a hug from my husband but the quiet is what screams in my face. No children begging for my attention, running to my arms. You arrive home to a sibling argument needing a referee and everyone wanting to know what is for dinner. I have no idea what that feels like but I want to...

I sit on my couch and tell my husband about my day. We make dinner and wonder if we are going to have too much since it is only the 2 of us. Are you wondering if you will have enough? After dinner we watch our favorite programs. We do not have to wait for the kids to go to bed because right now all that the TV plays is cartoons. You probably know every word to the "Lion King" and I could not even tell you the plot of the movie.

I go to bed. No bed time stories, no sweet tender kisses. Just the snoring from my hubby and the TV I keep on in the background to keep me company. I sleep through the night and wake when I feel like it. I am sure you are begging for a full nights sleep or a couple extra hours.

The next day for me is more of the same. Is yours different from day to day? I would imagine with children it is... I don't know what it is like to be you but you have an idea what it is like to be me. Does that make it harder? easier? I look at you and think "oh what I would not give to have that. Does she appreciate it like I would?" Do you look at me and think the same?

 I know I am BLESSED. I know the "grass is always greener", "be careful what you wish for", and "be happy with what you have". I understand that...I do. I am grateful for many things...I truly am...

but...

I want to know what it is like to be someone else. I want to be a MOM. I want it so bad my heart aches like no ache I can ever describe. I want to know what it is like to not have this emptiness in my heart. I want to know what it is like to feel...COMPLETE...??!!!

xxoo

My cute Noah! (kids mentioned)

Today is my nephew Noah's 3rd birthday!



Isn't he so cute!!!



My cute little Noah. I can not believe you are 3. I wish I could keep you this age. I can not imagine you getting older... Everything you say and do is just so darn cute! No matter what kind of mood I am in you (and your brother) can always turn any frown to a smile. All I have to do is hear your voice.

I remember you being born. It seems like yesterday. It was one of the most exciting and beautiful things I have ever seen...you coming into this world. I love you so much! I hope you have a wonderful birthday and have lots of fun at your party!

I will see you there!

xxooxx

Aunt Shell

Adventures in Babysitting (kids mentioned)

This weekend we had my nephews overnight on Saturday. Well actually we went over there for the night and we had so much fun. My sis has a projector TV so we set it up in the living room and had a slumber party. We rented G Force but the movie was dark and the kids lost interest very fast so we put in Alvin and the Chipmunks.

My nephews were so cute. they were very excited about the slumber party. We first took them to the mall and they played in the play area for a while. they rode some of the kiddie rides and then we took them to A&W for dinner. When we got home we got everything set up and popped the popcorn and settled in for our slumber party. No.ah the youngest wanted to do pillow fights...so we did and then we cuddled and watched the TV.

I was worried that they might not sleep very well with all of us in the living room but when I said bed time they fell right asleep and slept through the night until 7:00 am. he nice thing about them being in the living room was I could always have an eye on them. When ever I watch them over night and they are quiet all night I always have to check to make sure they are still breathing. I know can you tell I am inexperienced at this?

The next morning we got up and took them to our house to see the animals. I remember a short time ago No.ah was scared of our dog who if you know him you would laugh at that but to a kid he does not know any different. Now Noah absolutely loves Sammy. He always asks me about him on the phone and wants to see him. So they played with him and gave him cheese, which is Sammy's favorite. Then we went back to their house.

Jo.ey said he wanted to take a nap which shocked me and they both laid down and slept for an hour/hour and half. They were so so good for us and there is nothing like a 3 year old saying "I lub you Aunt Shell" like 500 times to make you feel all warm and fuzzy all over. I just LOVE those kids so much. I wish they would stay 3 and 5 because they are the CUTEST!!!! I can not imagine them as teenagers.

No.ah's 3rd birthday is next Sunday and he is very excited! I told him I had a present for him and his eyes lit up.

They were a lot of fun and they tired us out so we crashed when we got home and that was our weekend. How was yours?

xxooxxoo

    

Plan of Attack

Sorry it has taken so long to update about what happened on Saturday. I have been trying to digest it and make sure I do the right thing. Basically the lawyer said we make too much money to declare chapter 7. She said we can do Chapter 13 because if we do Chapter 7 then we will have enough money left over to make some sort of payment. She said if we do 13 then we will make about a 300 a month payment for 3 years and then be done. We will have to give up our house but we were already planning on that since our house is worth less then half of what we owe on it and we are already out growing it and we do not have any kids. She said if we find another place where we are paying about 900 a month or I lose my unemployment then we can switch to chapter 7 at that time.

It is frustrating because I am too poor to pay anything and do anything but I am not poor enough. They go by the median income for your family size in your state. Well that is hardly fair. Michigan is a very poor state right now do to everyone losing their jobs. We made 2000 too much to do chapter 7. 2000 measley dollars. That is frustrating!

I got a call from my mortgage company saying they decided we can not do a workout program anymore because we can not afford it. Which I think makes total sense. HAHA! This is a direct quote from my mortgage company..." You either need to increase the money you make per month OR you need to decrease your monthly expenses in order for us to help you out." Um DUH!!! You should be a financial advisor. All I have to do is increase the money I make or decrease the money I spend. I would have never thought of that. I was cracking up and I said..."If I could do that then I would not be calling you because I would not need your help." Anyway, they are looking into getting us a loan that would pay off our past due balance and place it on the end of our mortgage. I do not really care at this point because I know we are going to give up the house but I am just trying to delay as long as possible. We probably have a good year before we will have to be out and I would hope that I would have a job by then. I looked in the paper and there are A LOT of houses that are rent with an option to buy so that is what will probably do. We are going to save money during the next year so that we can give them a good payment up front which I hope would increase our chances of getting a place.

I am going to get a second opinion from another lawyer not because I think it will change but because I just want to make sure we are doing the best thing and have a good lawyer. Plus I have done a lot of research since are meeting last Saturday and I feel much more educated. So that is what we are going to do. It is overwhelming and depressing but I just keep trying to tell myself that in a year from now we will be in a much better place...I hope! With the little extra money that we might have I am planning on paying my RE the 300 I owe him and hopefully get to go in and talk to him again. I at least would like to get a laparoscopy done now while I am out of work and get any other tests and such done. Then work on how we are going to do IVF with our current non existent coverage. Who knows maybe when we give up this house maybe we will move to a state the mandates coverage.

So that is our plan to attack this mountain of crap we have come across. It is not the dream plan but it will have to do. At least I am moving forward and not backwards. Hopefully it will continue.

Thank you all for you kind words and support. You all made me feel so much better!
T

No money + bad decisions = BIG TROUBLE

Well, my dear internet friends it has been a tough last 7 days. I feel like I am sinking in quicksand and having a hard time keeping my head above. This is all because of some bad decisions on my part and things out of my control. Maybe I shouldn't put this all out there but right now I feel like my head is going to burst and I just need to get it out...

 So you all know that I lost my job last June after being screwed over and this was after being out of work for 3 months due to a back injury. Anyway, because of a major lack of fundage we ended up just having our leased vehicle repossessed. It seemed like the only option at the time. I mean we had a leased vehicle that we were paying a whopping 575.00 a month for and when we were to turn in the car in September we would have been at about 65,000 miles and we were only aloud to go 36,000 so that was at 15 cents a mile for every mile over for a total of 4350.00 and then the wear and tear because we had a cracked windshield and REALLY bad tires that we would have had to fork out a couple hundred for before we turned the car in. We figured if we just let them repossess it for the last of the few months we had left we might end up better off. Who knows, as far as money goes it may end up to be cheaper but let me tell you it definitely is not less stressful!

Yesterday, we made the mistake of answering the door only to be served with a summons for the car. Now, I knew this was coming but yet it has totally stressed me out. The summons does not say much but that we have 21 days to respond and they are suing for 6200 plus costs and interest. Well, I made an appointment with a bankruptcy attorney because that was pretty much always the plan. We were going to wait until the last possible second, which was getting something saying the were taking us to court over the car, we will not win because lets face it we did not pay as agreed. Now before this ever happened my credit was not good. We had been working on fixing this but when I got injured and then lost my job everything went out the window. We will not win and then they will garnish wages and that DEFINITELY CAN NOT HAPPEN. So we figured we would declare bankruptcy and start over. Not something I am proud of or wanted to do but I feel I am left with little options. We do not really have anyone to turn to for help so what choice do we have?

Anyway, we have an appointment tomorrow morning to see what our options are but I am worried because I am not sure how we are going to pay for the bankruptcy itself. What do you do when you are too poor to go bankrupt? I think that is pretty bad. Now all this is on top of last Friday getting a notice from the IRS saying they were placing a Levy on us do to not paying 2008 takes. We made a payment arrangement and in January I paid the payment online but apparently they credited it to 2009 taxes. Um...haven't even filed those yet. Do you really think I am paying 2009 in advance when I haven't even paid 2008 yet...the answer would be NO. Luckily I looked at my confirmation online and figured out the problem and called the IRS and got it fixed but it really is not a certified letter you want to get in the mail. Also, on the same day we got something from our mortgage company saying our work out plan had expired and they were rereviewing it and needed some additional info and then a letter from the city because we kind of have neglected paying our water bill in a LONG time. They always sent a letter and said we had to pay the balance by some far out date or it would be attached to the taxes on our house which I figured was fine with me since that always came out of mortgage payment and the water isI not attached to my name so I figured fine by me...until...last Friday they said they were going to put a lien on our house until we pay them 436.00 by 03/31/10. Can you say STRESSFUL!!!

I mean this is all not a surprise and it is our fault but all at one time COME ON!!!! Not to mention unemployment was in question this week because it expired on Sunday and 1 senator was holding the approving of extensions but thankfully it was approved on Tuesday at least for another month while they try to work out the details for a longer extension. I mean they bail out all the big corps why should they not bail out all the people who need it? I can not even tell you how many resumes and applications have been sent out and I have not gotten 1 response...I am just sick to my stomach!

Right now I am feeling like a big failure and a loser and I am wondering if I am EVER going to be able to have a baby. Not to mention I was cleaning and I twisted or turned, bent over...something and totally killed my back. I was suppose to go out tonight but I CAN NOT DO that at all so I am staying home. Tomorrow I have the appointment with the lawyer and a wedding to go to. I hope I feel better.

I could really use some positive words and some prayers and anything else you can send my way. It ha been a tough week but I am hoping the bad news is over...please!

Show and Tell

Finally, I am posting about my BEAUTIFUL blanket that I won courtesy of  Michele at Tales of a Batty Nurse. She had a giveaway on her blog and I won. I am very excited that I won because I never win anything. I love this blanket and it will be perfect for the little girl that I am hoping I will have some day. It goes in my hope chest along with the other things I have collected over the years. Maybe I will show that some day. Anyway, she made this blanket and she makes many others. she sells them to help pay for her baby making so if you would like one of your own please head over to her blog and follow the links to order one. Isn't it BEAUTIFUL! (sorry if the picture isn't to clear. My lighting was bad). Thank you so much Michele!!





To see what every one else is showing at the head of the class please head over to Mel's place

Same ole, Same ole

Just wanted to check in with everyone. Not much is going on here. I do have a lot of posts floating around in my brain but I have only been able to get out one or 2 sentences and then something else pops in my head. Soon when I get them all sorted out I will be posting.

It has been doing nothing but snowing here but still I am thankful that we have not gotten the worst of the weather lately. I think we have 8+ inches give or take. I hate it but we have been lucky. DH fixed our front door so finally we can go in and out of it. It is so nice to be able to that. You would not think that to be a big deal but it was a pain in the a$$. He also fixed our toilet. It was leaking like crazy! We were filling 5 buckets a day plus soaking through every towel. So thank God hubby was able to get it fixed. He won a gift certificate for 60 bucks from his job at Home De.pot so that was great because it enabled us to get everything fixed. YAY.

This weekend we do not have anything major planned. I want to get some cleaning done that I did not get to last weekend ...we see if that happens. :)

Anyway, I have to go take care of all this bad news I got in the mail today. I really hate the mail and I hate when all the bad news come on Friday so you can't take care of it until Monday...UGH!

Have a great weekend all!

xxoo
   

Blind Sided

So here I am or was, on a Sunday night watching some of my favorite shows. The last week...because of the Olympics have pretty much been reruns except for the few crazy, crap TV, reality shows I watch and one or 2 others,. So I was excited last night that some good new shows were on.

1 was the Amaz.ing Race and Unde.rcover Boss, which BTW I think every CEO should do. If you did not start from the bottom in your company and work your way up then you should go out and get a taste of what it is REALLY like for the average everyday Joe out in the world. It always cracks me up when the CEO announce to all the other "higher ups" that he is going to go undercover they always say, "is there something you think you can learn better by going undercover rather then just going in as yourself?" UM DUH I don't know if this is just me but it seems to be common sense that you would learn more going undercover. I know when I was told the "big boss" was coming we made sure everything was in tip top condition. We did EXACTLY what we were suppose to do and when asked questions we answered them in a straight forward fashion...not really saying what you REALLY would like to say because lets face it...you would like to keep your job. So I do not know why they ask that question...but I digress.

10:00 rolls around and one of my favorite shows, "Brot.hers ans S1sters" comes on.  First, let me say, if you are in a bad place and you watch this show but have not yet...DON'T...or be fore warned this is going to be a SPOILER. This show has been a good show they showed Kitty losing a pregnancy and turning to adoption which I liked that they did it that way...they did not have her bounce back and get pregnant again right away like it was no big deal. They have the gay brother and his husband using a surrogate (who happens to be Whitney's from The Hi.lls and The Cit.y CRAZY friend and roommate). Anyway so  they show different aspects of getting pregnant...not all is rosey.

 Now Rebecca got pregnant and they have been showing the struggle with Justin not being ready, but all was starting to work out until last night. Rebecca is in the kitchen and all of sudden she feels cramps or something and says she needs to go to the hospital because something is wrong with the baby. I think nothing of it. They already did the miscarriage thing...

After they come back from commercial they show her in the hospital bed. Nora is asking her to drink some water and she says she is not thirsty. I still do not get it. I think drink the water, you are pregnant and maybe you are dehydrated and that is not good. Then they talk some more and WHAM it hits me...She lost the baby! Blind sided I started bawling, which is silly I mean it is just a show after all and I did not react like this when Kitty lost her baby. Watching her lay in the hospital bed just saying she would much rather be at home. Asking Justin to turn on the TV when he is trying to say anything to make it better but failing miserably. I felt the pain in my gut...in my heart. It brought me back to the hospital the first time. It is why now I avoid the hospital when having a miscarriage if at all possible. There is nothing they can do there except confirm your worst fears. Make you sit there for hours and hours for no good reason and all you want to do is go home crawl into bed and never wake up. She says she wants to go home and pretend it never happened...oh if only it were that easy...

Later they show her going to Kitty's announcement to the press that she is going to run for senator and Rebecca comes in to her holding her baby. The look in her eyes just showed exactly what we all feel when we see that. She put a smile on her face like we all do but she tried to get out of there fast!

The one that got me the most was, she is making Justin's favorite brownie recipe she got from his mom for Valentine's Day. He comes in having ran around town getting all her favorite foods from a million different places. He tells her to eat he will finish the brownies. She saysNO...he keeps trying and then she says... (paraphrased)I NEED TO DO THIS. I planned on doing this. I got the recipe from your mom. I bought the best chocolate. I need to do this because I PLANNED to do this and I NEED something to work out like I planned. This statement hit me HARD! I know all too well what this feels like but I realized that since that day 5 years ago when I lost my first angel and the 3 others since then...nothing will ever go as planned because everything I have done or will do since then does not involve my child and THAT DEFINITELY IS NOT HOW I PLANNED IT!...and that really sucks!

I was a mess for a while after the show. It just shocks me sometimes how this grief thing can just hit you from out of no where. From a TV show that is not real I get the wind knocked out of me. Just when you think you got it all under control grief jabs you in the gut and says "hey DON"T forget about me.!" and you just never know when that is going to be. Well I just have to say, don't worry grief...there is no forgetting here.

ATTN: MICHIGAN RESIDENTS IMPORTANT ACTION NEEDED

Ok people in Michigan or people who know people in Michigan. I received this from RESOLVE. We need your help NOW!!!! Please take a few minutes and go on over to RESOLVE now and let your voice be heard!


Dear Michelle,
The Michigan Senate is getting ready to vote on some of the worst bills we have ever seen.
Do you want the Michigan government to monitor the number of eggs women produce in infertility treatment?  Do you want the Michigan government to track the number of embryos you have, and how you choose to use them in treatment and afterwards?  Do you think it should be reported to the Michigan government if you have a miscarriage?
These are unfair intrusions for infertility patients.
Please, drop whatever you are doing and click this link NOW to join RESOLVE in opposing the bills that would make these intrusions the law.  People with infertility in Michigan deserve the same respect, options, and privacy as patients in other states! 
For details on the bills, including a link to the bill language, visit the RESOLVE website.
Every voice helps and if we have a huge flood of letters, it could make all the difference. 
Sincerely,
Barbara Collura
Executive Director, RESOLVE
P.S.  Please forward this alert to family and friends who care about protecting the interests of people who are trying to build families!   Please also forward to any professionals who know in Michigan, including your doctor, and urge them to oppose these bills. Take Action Now!

People watching

It has been a pretty boring week. The other day I had to go to the DREADED jury duty! I so did not want to go. In fact the night before I was looking up what would really happen if I did not show up. I could find nothing conclusive so I decided not risk it. Jail was not sounding like a good option.

So I went and let me tell you if you like to people watch jury duty has some real doozies. First, and of course I would not even be able to escape it here, the pregnant women that was about to pop at any moment! I mean I could not believe that she was there. We were in the bathroom together and I was imagining delivering the baby right there and what the hell I was going to do. Luckily she did not. BTW in my imagination I was a rock star at delivering babies in courthouse bathrooms due to all my television watching of such scenarios, I knew EXACTLY what to do. ;o)

Then there was the lady that never SHUT UP! She was far away from me in a room full of about 200+ people and I heard this ladies whole life story. Of course when my name got called to go to a courtroom to possible be picked for a jury...she was in my group so I got to hear more of her story as she would tell anyone who was within hearing distance of her...and that was everyone. She also had one of those voices that were more like nails going down a chalkboard. (I would not want her on my jury!)

There was the man that was wearing a...skirt. No not a kilt, like at first thought I must have seen, no this was a womans paneled skirt. Do they really let these people in? The woman that was dressed to the nines. I mean she must have thought she was going to some high class restaurant and not a Detroit courthouse or she had a real hot date after words. Then there was a women (maybe) who looked like she was no older then 12...SERIOUSLY! I chuckled thinking someone sent there child to serve in there place. and last but not least was the man sitting next to me who snored louder then my husband and that is really hard to top! I am sure there is more but I was distracted most by these people.

I did get called up to go into a courtroom and possibly get picked. We went in the room and this judge did like a full out comedy routine (our money put to good use here in the D). He was a really nice guy. He passed out candy which always gets you bonus points in my book. Then he said I have good news and bad. Everyone elected to hear the bad news first. He said I do not need you today and there fore you have to go back downstairs and maybe get picked again and this time maybe for a 2 week jury. Groans were heard throughout to which he said, "Oh sure now you like me and want to be here." The good news is, I kept you up here for almost an hour and hopefully now when you get back down they will have already selected all the jurors they need and will send you home within a couple hours. YAY.

We went back down and sat there for 30 minutes and then they dismissed all jurors. I was out of there by 11:30! I was so HAPPY!!! For this I made a whopping 25.00 - the 10.00 I spent for frickin parking! HA HA! I think I cam out on top ;0 So now I can stop looking for a job because I am retiring!!!

After seeing all these people in the jury pool...I really hope I never need to be tried by a jury of my peers...it is concerning!

We went and babysat the nephews last night. They were so much fun. We played and played and played! I made them dinner and Jo.ey even asked for seconds...UNHEARD OF! They went to bed VERY easily...probably because we ran around the house and did a whole lot of dancing. They were tired! Me TOO!

This weekend we have some major house cleaning planned...I let you know if it happens. I hope you all have a great weekend!

xxooxxoo

The one where I am Happy

Despite my lack of enthusiasm for my birthday this weekend, I did have a great birthday weekend. On saturday DH made me a beautiful steak dinner that tasted great. Sunday morning he made breakfast. We went to my sisters for dinner and a birthday.Super Bowl party. Everyone except me was rooting for the Colts. I was rooting for the underdog. No one believed it but I believed that the Saints would win and everyone else had to eat crow by the end of the night. It just ended the day on a great note.

My nephews were so cute and excited for the birthday party. They called me in the morning to wish me a Happy Birthday. Noah got on the phone and said, :Hi aunt Shell. Today is your Birthday!" When we got over to there house Joey said he was in charge of the party. He and Noah set the table, which I so wish I would have taken a picture of. There were like a 150 forks and knives and napkins on the table but it was just so cute and they were so proud!

Joey kept bringing out his toys and giving them to me and saying I could take them home because it was my birthday. He gave me a football. Which by the way we played catch with the kids with and I think Noah would make a GREAT quarterback some day. He throws a perfect spiral and fires it and it goes far and he is 2. Anyway, we also taught him the touchdown dance which was so funny to watch him do. Also, Joey gave me a spaceship and a play cell phone and a Noah's Ark book. He loaded me up with presents.

My BIL made a fabulous Lasagna and of course I had my ice cream pie. Thank you so much it was delicious! All in all is was a great weekend. It still sucks to be 36 but I am hoping that the great start to the year will continue. Thank you all for your birthday wishes. It always brings a smile to my face with all the love and support I get from all of you. You are the BEST!!!

xxoo

The One Where I Feel Sorry For Myself

Ok so my birthday is coming up on Sunday and I absolutely HATE it! I mean presents are nice, my favorite ice cream pie is FANTASTIC, My BIL making me dinner TERRIFIC, turning 36 BITES THE BIG ONE!!!!

I thought turning 35 was bad but 36 really tops it. Now I am OVER 35! I feel I am further away from my goal of having a baby then ever before. I have nothing to show for the last year of my life except heart break and CRAP!! I do not even know where to go or what to do any more. I am frustrated and just really sad. No job, No baby, No money, NO LIFE!!!!

I get to share my birthday with the Super Bowl. I am choosing to believe that everyone is getting together all around the world to celebrate me. I think it sounds so much better then celebrating some football game. ;) So we are getting together at my sisters house. It should be a good time. I told my hubby, the biggest sports fan I know, that it is a bummer that my birthday falls on super Bowl Sunday because it is my day and I get to choose what we watch and since I could care less about either team in the big game I am choosing a nice romantic comedy! LOL I will let you know when the divorce proceedings start...I do not think it would fly very well. Thats OK I can have fun with my nephews. They can always cheer me up! They get so excited about parties. I asked Jo.ey what he was going to get me and he said a Choo Choo train...hmmm not something I remember asking for...I think he is projecting what he wants...hoping I will leave it over there. LOL.

I remember when birthdays were something I looked forward to. Something I waited anxiously for. Now I could do without it. I keep calculating how old I will be when my kids are 18,21, etc if I were to have a kid now and I just feel ancient. I know people have kids all the time when they are older but I just think how young my mom was. She is 57 now. If I were to have a kid this year...when my kid turns 36 I will be 72. WTF!? That is just mind blowing to me. This is so not what I had hoped and dreamed for my life. I was suppose to have 4 children, be a stay at home mom and be loving life. UGH!!!

A couple weeks ago we went to my MIL to celebrate DH and my niece's b-day. I was having a conversation with my SIL and MIL. Talking about ...what else kids. I was saying it felt like I would never have them. And you will never guess what my 23 year old SIL said. I mean it is such a rare thing for a fertile to say. She said "I can have my kids packed and ready to go for you." Yes, that makes me feel better. However, my MIL said, "well pack 'em up she will take what you don't appreciate." I think my eyes bugged out of my head and my SIL shut up. Go MIL!!

Anyway, I will stop boring you with my whining and maybe now that I have gotten this off my chest I can feel better about turning 36...NAH I don't think that will happen but at least maybe I can get all this out of my mind. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

xxooxxoo

What is up with me?

Well, what has been going on with me? Not much but first let me update from yesterday. I still can not get my door open. Luckily we can use the back door however, that is a pain in the ass. We have to open are back gate which is also covered by a wood fence and it is hard to open. Along with the fact that the latch is pretty rusted and it is hard to get open on a normal day let alone when it is like 5 degrees outside. We can't just leave it open because then our dog will get out. We tried unscrewing the handle on our front door but we can't get it out since the latch is stuck in the locked position. I tried goog.le but it was not much help. We don't want to break it yet because we have to buy a new one first. That will have to wait until next week when I have some money. It is just really frustrating Just to get my mail I have to get dressed with boots and all. Never realized how important it was to have a front door. This is just weird. I have never heard of this happening to a door and it is not like it is old. The doors were brand new when we moved in like 6 years ago. UGH!

We have just been passing sickness and colds back and forth throughout the family and that is just so much fun. I have been really focusing on trying to find a job and there just is not much choices out there. I have been applying for some government jobs. I am not to hopeful but it would be nice. I have also been looking into working at a call center from home. A lot of places are going toward doing this now and that would be PERFECT! The only thing is I need to get a land line phone and headset which I do not have the money for right this moment. I think my DH is getting sick of me being home. How do I know this? I think it is because of my strong attention to detail and observation. My ability to read my hubby really well...or it could be because he has said "WOULD YOU PLEASE GO TO WORK YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY" (LOL I am sure he meant it in the nicest possible way)We went from barely seeing each other because for the first 13 years we worked opposite schedules. He worked nights and I worked days. Then last year he changed to working early mornings so he goes to bed usually by 7 pm. Now we are together ALL the TIME!! (side note: he is reading over my shoulder right now and said this needs a few more exclamation points...I married a funny, funny man!) I feel bad because I know it must be tough for him to go to work every day knowing that I am sitting at home and it is not like I have kids to take care of or something really important to do. I enjoy not going to a job I despise but it does get pretty boring. I want to find a job I would enjoy or work from home. There just is not many choices out there.

Money has been VERY TIGHT. Next month is our last month of the agreement we made with our mortgage company so I am not sure what is going to happen because we surely can not afford a full payment. Every day I think about when am I going to be able to get into me RE? I am turning 36 in a week and a half (Super Bowl Sunday) and this has me depressed beyond words. Now I am over 35 and we all know what that means. I am hoping that since my body always seems to do the exact opposite of what it is suppose to do maybe now I will get pregnant and stay pregnant no problem. I almost said that with a straight face...one can dream can't they?

Hubby got the results from his sleep study. They fitted him with the CPAP machine because he DEFINITELY has sleep apnea. They told him that he stops breathing 151 times an hour. UM WHAT!?! Is he ever breathing? That is more then twice a minute. He went back for them to fit him with the machine and he had to sleep there again so they could make sure it works. It did and we are waiting for the insurance to go through for the machine. Hopefully soon...I would like to go back to sleeping in my bed.

Thanks to Michele at I want to be a mommy I won one of her cute blankets that she makes. Thanks Michele, I can't wait to get it!! I will post a picture when I do. Anyway, that is all I have for now. I hope all of you are doing well!

xxoo