So, I am sorry that I have been silent as of late but I have been really having a hard time. It has not been a "normal" hard time for me. One where I feel the need to discuss and discuss and make plans and try to figure every thing out. I mean I have been doing that just not the discussing part of it. I have been battling it out in my brain. Some days I am winning and other days not so much. I regret to say that even here on my blog, the one place where I swore I would always say what is on my mind. I came here and said everything was fine. I wrote it hoping that maybe saying it here would just make it true...it has not.
I mean I did have a nice Easter but what I did not say was that all day I felt like I was teetering on the edge. Anything made me want to cry. We went to my sisters in the morning for brunch and the thought of going to my MILs later that day was making me sick to my stomach. All I wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed and stay there. I didn't because I really did not feel like explaining why I was not going to show up. So I sucked it up and it was nice. My MIL got a new Ip.ad so I spent a lot of time playing with that, which btw it is really cool, and we played outside with my nephews. It turned out to be an ok day but I did not talk much that day. I was afraid to open my mouth too much. Afraid I was going to burst into tears and look like a crazy person.
I feel like a failure. I feel like I have let my husband down...I have let myself down and I do not know where to go from here. I understand that I am not alone that many people are going through the same things that I am going through. I KNOW I am not alone but I FEEL so LONELY!
I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and very jittery. I hate this feeling. I have suffered from panic attacks in the past and they are not fun. I have since learned how to handle them and I have not had a full out panic attack in a while but lately it feels like it is coming. It is not a good feeling. It is hard to describe to anyone that has not been through it.
I said here I went to my friends house and we celebrated her b-day. We had fun...a lot of fun! But what I did not say was that someone asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears. It only lasted for a few minutes but I do not know where it came from. I did not say for the 1st time I felt a huge divide between me and my closest friends. I felt really left out. They all have kids and have grown up together. I mean I have been friends with them for 15 years but this is the 1st time I felt different. Nothing specific happened to make me feel this way. No one said anything. Everyone was caring and understanding and we laughed and laughed but still I felt like an outsider and that sucked!
I guess a lot lately I feel like an outsider to my life. Like things are going out of control and I have no way to stop it. The weird thing is I do not feel depressed I just feel anxious. I feel like my head is going in a million directions and I do not know how to get it going one direction. I fear making the wrong decision. I want to take the shortest path to my ultimate goal but it is really hard when I can not even see the path at all.
I am frustrated and I am angry. I just wish someone could say do this...go here...do that...and all will be fine. Unfortunately nobody can do that. I just need to take a deep breath and realize that this too will pass. I do believe everything happens for a reason. I just really wish I knew what the reason was.
So that is what has been going on with me. I hope all is well with you and I will be catching up with all of you this week.