Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Which way do I go?

So, I am sorry that I have been silent as of late but I have been really having a hard time. It has not been a "normal" hard time for me. One where I feel the need to discuss and discuss and make plans and try to figure every thing out. I mean I have been doing that just not the discussing part of it. I have been battling it out in my brain. Some days I am winning and other days not so much. I regret to say that even here on my blog, the one place where I swore I would always say what is on my mind. I came here and said everything was fine. I wrote it hoping that maybe saying it here would just make it true...it has not.

I mean I did have a nice Easter but what I did not say was that all day I felt like I was teetering on the edge. Anything made me want to cry. We went to my sisters in the morning for brunch and the thought of going to my MILs later that day was making me sick to my stomach. All I wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed and stay there. I didn't because I really did not feel like explaining why I was not going to show up. So I sucked it up and it was nice. My MIL got a new Ip.ad so I spent a lot of time playing with that, which btw it is really cool, and we played outside with my nephews. It turned out to be an ok day but I did not talk much that day. I was afraid to open my mouth too much. Afraid I was going to burst into tears and look like a crazy person.

I feel like a failure. I feel like I have let my husband down...I have let myself down and I do not know where to go from here. I understand that I am not alone that many people are going through the same things that I am  going through. I KNOW I am not alone but I FEEL so LONELY!

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and very jittery. I hate this feeling. I have suffered from panic attacks in the past and they are not fun. I have since learned how to handle them and I have not had a full out panic attack in a while but lately it feels like it is coming. It is not a good feeling. It is hard to describe to anyone that has not been through it.

I said here I went to my friends house and we celebrated her b-day. We had fun...a lot of fun! But what I did not say was that someone asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears. It only lasted for a few minutes but I do not know where it came from. I did not say for the 1st time I felt a huge divide between me and my closest friends. I felt really left out. They all have kids and have grown up together. I mean I have been friends with them for 15 years but this is the 1st time I felt different. Nothing specific happened to make me feel this way. No one said anything. Everyone was caring and understanding and we laughed and laughed but still I felt like an outsider and that sucked!

I guess a lot lately I feel like an outsider to my life. Like things are going out of control and I have no way to stop it. The weird thing is I do not feel depressed I just feel anxious. I feel like my head is going in a million directions and I do not know how to get it going one direction. I fear making the wrong decision. I want to take the shortest path to my ultimate goal but it is really hard when I can not even see the path at all.

I am frustrated and I am angry. I just wish someone could say do this...go here...do that...and all will be fine. Unfortunately nobody can do that. I just need to take a deep breath and realize that this too will pass. I do believe everything happens for a reason. I just really wish I knew what the reason was.

So that is what has been going on with me. I hope all is well with you and I will be catching up with all of you this week.



Heather said...

Michelle, Big Hugs to you. You and I are so much alike! I too often feel this way around my friends. I feel as though when I finally have a baby, they will have their own grandchildren by then!
I also know what it is like to have panic attacks and anxiety and depression. It all sucks. About a year ago I went through what you are expereincing. It is tough. You feel like a failure and loser.

BUT guess what? You're not. Plain and simple. Sometimes we go through these times as part of life's grand lesson! But as we are in the midst of it, it is hard to see through the pain, sorrow and anger.

Michelle, I don't want to be pushy, but if you need to talk in person, I am available. I don't have the answers, but sometimes talking it out with people can really put things in perspective.
You can find me on facebook as Heather Free-Phillips.
Best wishes Michelle. Know you are not alone in this!

Sarah said...

Wow :( I've been feeling the same way. Lots of random crying in front of random people. No fun. Big hugs to you!!

Another Dreamer said...

(*HUGS*) I know what you mean about feeling so lonely even though you know you're not alone, I totally get that hun.

I have also had the crying, the random fallout, don't even know where it comes from... it's tough.

I wish there were clear easy answers for all of us, I really do- until then, may you find peace and solace in your decisions.

I hope that things get better soon hun. For all of us.

Circus Princess said...

Big hugs to you.

Triumph said...

Oh Michelle, I do understand your pain, having been there myself for many years and you are right in saying, 'this too shall pass.'. Its times like these that teaches us about life, about ourself and we find ourselves coming out, better persons because of this.

You are in my prayers girl, and remember you might be lonely, but you are certainly not alone in this

JEN said...

HOlidays involving children + infertility = majorly depressing.

Thinking of you...

Jamie said...

Oh, Sweetie. I know it is hard to deal with those feelings - especially write about it. But that is what blogging is for. A platform for you to pour your heart out. You AREN'T alone.

Sending you much love and hugs . . .

battynurse said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. Sometimes I think one of the worst questions in the world is "How are you?" If I'm at all feeling down it's likely to have me in tears. I know how lonely it feels when it seems everyones life is going in a different direction than your own. I hope that soon things begin to look a bit brighter for you. Hugs to you.