Infertility, has shaped my life. Though I never wanted that to happen it is pretty difficult, if not impossible, for it not to. The problem is...every single day...sometimes every single minute you are reminded of what you do not have...what you long for...what you heart physically aches for. Whether it be from commercials, TV shows, kids in the neighborhood, baby aisles at the store or getting the constant FB updates from a pregnant friend, or a family member calling you giddy with excitement because they just are bursting because they can't wait to tell everyone they are pregnant. You say congratulations while inside thinking "shit not another one" and kicking yourself for being such a BEE-ATCH for thinking such things. Normal people are happy for others. Normal people can go to a baby shower without psyching themselves up and maybe some alcohol prior and then willing the tears back into their eyes as everyone gushes over the pregnant mommy. That is how it should be but infertility has turned you into a SCROOGE! You are torn between being angry that everyone can't JUST UNDERSTAND how hard this is for you and be considerate after all, you deserve an award for putting yourself through the worst thing EVER IN LIFE, and realizing that you have many things to be thankful for and there are so many more people out there that have worse problems THEY are the ones that deserve the award. You are being selfish.
You feel like you have to put your whole life on hold because you never know this month could be the month that the world cosmically rights itself and you will FINALLY see the positive pregnancy test and will be able to actually have a real live baby. So it is best not to make any travel plans because you will be 7 months pregnant at the time and we do not want to take any chances. You do have a brief moment of clarity where you realize that this is a pipe dream but you blow that off as that is the obvious ridiculous thought of the two.
You take your pregnancy test month after month only to see a BFN and actually be surprised even though you have seen the same thing for a million months in a row. Now you could actually plan your trip but wait I think I might have forgot something...oh yah maybe it is the 15,000 I now need to save for IVF for just the chance of having the one thing that would make your life complete. I guess it is ramen noodles for dinner.
I know maybe I should "just relax" because a friend of mine told me that her cousin's friend's mother's sister in law was trying for 15 years and then she decided to give up and the next thing she knew she was pregnant. Or maybe I should adopt because we all know that I can go to adoptions r us and pick out my baby (since there are so many children waiting to be adopted) give them a hundred bucks or so and bring home my baby. It is really a very quick and simple process. I am selfish to be trying all this other stuff. Also, once I do that I am sure to get pregnant because adoption is the cure to all.
These are the things and statements I deal with on a daily basis. What a fertile person does not understand is that those comments I hear are about as logical as saying "why don't you become a crack addict?" because we all know crack addicts have babies ALL the time. For you as a fertile person having a baby means you and your significant other have a romantic night, light some candles, do your thing in the bedroom and 9 months later a baby pops out. For me as an infertile, it involves me and my hubby but he is only there holding my hand. He offers his donation at an earlier time. It also involves a few doctors and nurses, needles, drugs, dildo cams, tubes, THOUSANDS of dollars (I do not have) and I am sure other things I am not thinking of. When we "make a baby" it feels more like a science experiment then an act of love. Remember that the next time you think we are doing this because we want to have a "designer baby" .
I may sound bitter. I may sound angry, and sad. I AM but...I am also happy, calm, in love with my husband and I am grateful! I KNOW there are many people who have much much worse things happen to them, although I do have to mention that sometimes it does not feel like it. I also know that many of the comments or thoughts you think or say, as a fertile person, is not because you are trying to be vicious or mean, it is because you do not know what it is like to be me. Be thankful for that...
That is why we have National Infertility Awareness week. So we can bring education to those who do not know. Many times we feel forgotten and very misunderstood. So maybe you ran into this blog by mistake. Thinking you were stumbling onto a "mommy" blog. Well, sorry for that but I hope you stayed to read and see what it is like on the other side. That is really why I started this blog so I could educate people and find support and understanding. It is the mix of emotions that I have talked about here that a lot of times leaves me feeling very lonely and a lot of times crazy. If you are a fellow infertile and reading this (and I know most of you are) I thank you for offering me the support I need so desperately and the understanding that only you can really offer.
In the end, if I finally have the baby I have been wanting for so long it will be all worth it. If I don't...then I will have to cross that bridge when I get there...I only that hope I will say it was all worth it anyway.
Thank you so much for reading!
xxooxxoo
5 comments:
Well said.
Hugs to you sweetie.
Thank God for blogging, it does help when you are overwhelmed. I so wish I was able to do it when I was struggling with infertility or some days I would not have felt so hopeless and alone.
Michelle, I understand so clearly what you are going through and words cannot explain how much I so want yo to have a baby.
In the meantime, you remain in my prayers.
"I only hope I will say it was all worth it anyway" very true line hun, totally get that. Great post.
It'll be worth it, I promise (hugs)
Michelle, you always articulate this experience so well. I have appreciated your support and your perspective over the past couple of years. Oh, how I hope that one day soon something will change for you in such a big way.
When there's finally the prospect of a healthy baby on the way, you definitely feel that the journey itself was worth it, but I'll admit it's hard to ever look back on multiple losses and see that terrible sacrifice as "worth it." In general, though, the road you've traveled, insights you've gained, and the victory over infertility will be. Until then, you always have my support and prayers, friend.
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