Monday, March 30, 2009

Worst place for an infertile

"I haven't been here since that day." I said.

DH: " I know. I remember too well."

Then silence for the rest of our 40 minute drive to my OB's office. My OB was not available so they had another one check me out today. This is office is in the same building as my PCP however it is on the 2nd floor. I had not been THERE since THAT day and until the moment I walked into the office I never gave it a second thought.

"I think I will need to update my information. I haven't been here since 2006." I said.

As I was updating my information and watching smiling pregnant women walk in and out and still smiling. It amazed me. I don't think that has really ever happened to me. To walk in to an OB's office smiling and to walk out smiling. I wonder what that would feel like? Man this has to be the worst waiting room for an infertile...back to the paperwork and my favorite questions on every medical form..."How many pregnancies?"...4...."How many births?"...uh lets see uh 0000.

Finally, done they call me back to the office and I explain everything to the nurse. Back pain blah, blah, blah...something on right ovary blah, blah, blah...infertility treatments, miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies. The nurse says " I am so sorry you have had to go through all that...Is it expensive?"...Yes (thinking please leave and don't ask me anymore). She did, thank God after Oh yea I forgot..."Are you pregnant?" did you not hear what I just said...infertile in the room. I say "No." She says "How do you know?" Well if the infertile thing did not clue you in then lets just say if there was one then it is long gone due to all levels of radiation, x-rays, mri's, CT scans. Not to mention the hundreds of pregnancy tests every dr wants to do...just in case I am that one person we all have heard that gets pregnant when they are not even "thinking" about it. (You know that happens all the time...I wish)

Anyway, finally she leaves I go do my "pregnancy" test. Which by the way was a fiasco in and of itself that I will tell some other time. So I come back to the room and I am sitting there alone and the tears come flooding out of nowhere. I'm thinking of the last time I sat in this room (or one similar) at this office. It was the only pregnancy that I got pregnant on my own and it was almost exactly 3 yrs ago (03/14/06). They referred me to my now RE and said we think this is an ectopic but it is in a weird place. We can't see very well with our machines you need to go to a specialist. You will not be able to HAVE THIS BABY. (this one is that implanted in my cervix) I look at the walls lined with baby announcements and thank you cards saying how wonderful they were and how beautiful their babies are and I WANT that to be me! I NEED that to be me!!!!

My doctor comes in and I explain everything to her. I tell her I usually have a million ultrasounds a month but I have been on break since July because that was my 4th loss and I needed to regroup. She grabs my hand and says, "I so understand what you are feeling! I have had 4 losses myself and I know how hard it is." I couldn't believe my ears a doctor who REALLY knows how I feel. You could see it in her eyes and the way she spoke...she did KNOW and she hurt too. I asked, "How do you work here?" (I was thinking, this has got to be the worst place to work for an infertile. I think I would go crazy. I can't even be in the room for 5 minutes without bawling my eyes out). She said it took her a while and a lot of soul searching and she did end up adopting 2 wonderful children. She said that she has tough days but for the most part it isn't bad. She even had my same RE. So needless to say I am going to make her my primary OB...if I ever need one again. Hopefully I will for a good reason. A reason for me to walk in the door smiling and leave smiling. That is my dream and I hope and pray it happens one day.

PS I have to go on Friday for an ultrasound with a better ultrasound. They said theirs doesn't show things very well. She said she can definitely feel something different on my right side and since I have been doing infertility treatments they want to make sure it is not can.cer. She says she DOES NOT think it is and if it is it would be very early but they just want to make sure. So I have to wait again. I am still suppose to be scheduled for the pain specialist next week. Relief I am on my way....

Saturday, March 28, 2009

YAY finally SOME (not all) answers

Not much to report. I did go see my doctor today and she gave some answers as to why things are going the way they are. Basically she thinks I have severe sciatica and something else I can not pronounce. she said she is not that concerned about what they found on my ovary but she does not want to rule it out for fear that she may be wrong and therefore that is why I am going to the ob. If the OB gives that everything is going well with my girl parts then FINALLY she is going to send me to a pain specialist. I originally thought I went there in the first place but that was not the case. She said the pain specialist can A. give me a nerve block right in the spot where it hurts (which I have not gotten yet). B. Somehow burn the nerve (little scared as to how you do that). So I have hope that I am going to start feeling better soon! I was starting to think I was crazy. She assured me I was not. She said the reason we have been going through all this other stuff before sending me to a pain specialist was because they wanted to rule out all the bad stuff before making me pain free. She said pain is there to tell you something is wrong and if we numbed that pain and then found out something was seriously wrong then there would be problems. I think that is perfectly logical, however, I just wonder why she did not explain this to me in the first place.

I finally got my short term disability approved and received a check...whew! That takes a load off my mind. In a couple weeks I will have a new baby in the house. Well a baby of the furry variety. My MIL is going down south to see my niece graduate so she is bringing her puppy pomeranian. Oh he is so cute however he is a puppy and therefore very wild! It will be interesting to see how my 2 dogs and cat will react to him when he comes over.

I am so bummed, it has been so nice here the last week or so and now tonight we are suppose to get rain and tomorrow snow! Come on it is spring it is not time for snow anymore. :(

I know you are all getting sick of the back pain woes, so hopefully it will be getting better soon. Then I can start back with the infertile woes. The one good thing about the back pain is it has really had me less focused on my lack of babies and more thankful that I can lay in bed and not worry about taking care of children. However I would much rather it be the other way around.

Well I hope you all have a great weekend!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The other side of adoption

I have been a horrible ICLWer this month. :( I have not been writing as much as I would like but I have been not doing to well with my back. It looks like I will not make Iron Commenter for the first time since starting. I broke my record of 6 months in a row. :( Oh well I hope to be better next month. (I better be). I got the results of my CT scan and they said they found something on my right ovary and they want me to go to mt OBGYN so they can look into it further. I tried asking questions but the nurse knew nothing and said if I wanted more info I should make an appointment to see the doctor. This is why my doctor drives me nuts! When I go to see her she is great and listens and seems to care but when I try to get any other info or do anything without seeing her first I ALWAYS get the the run around. It is frustrating to say the least. I made an appointment for Saturday and I am now sick and tired of this so I have made a list of questions and concerns that I am going to run through with her on Saturday. My appt with the OBGYN is Monday and I am trying not to worry too much because I have to think that if it was really bad she would have told me herself already, but who knows with her. I hope it is just something to do with my PCOS and that whatever it is will be the explanation for my pain and they can fix it. Keep your fingers crossed.

Anyway, the other day I watched MT.v's Tru.e L1fe. I am pretty much a regular watcher of this show and on the weekend they had one focusing on women who were giving their babies up for adoption. I watched it and it freaked me out! They showed 2 women, I believe both were in their early 20's. One was giving her baby to a distant relative (I think) and the other found a couple on the internet. I wish they would do a show about the ones that were doing the adopting but I do know this is a show mainly focused on teens and early 20 somethings. It was interesting to look at it from the perspective of the girls giving up their babies. How difficult it is for them to do so. In the end, stop if you don't want to know what happens. The girl who was giving to her relatives ended up going through with it and the girl who found the couple on line did not. She ended up leaving the baby with the father who was already raising 1 child. It was the complete opposite of what I thought would happen. The 1 who went through with it was doing a open adoption and she saw the baby once every 2 weeks. Which I think I would want to do open adoption as well. But again I have not done all that much research yet on either way.The couple that were adopting seemed amazingly patient and understanding of her struggle. Before she had the baby she was positive on the adoption but once she had her she needed time to think about it.

This is what scares me about adoption. I have always been someone that would consider adoption. I would love to give a home to a someone who would not normally have one. I don't have tons of hang ups about having a child that is related by blood to me or my DH. I mean it is of course a preference if at all possible but I really just would like to have children. My hang ups for adoption is the money, and the long grueling process (or so it seems to me). Getting my heart set and going through all the emotions and pulling all the strings, jumping through all the hoops and then the person changes her mind. I mean I know it has to be difficult for the ones that are giving up their babies and it is not something I think about very much when I think about adoption. I always kind of think about my side of things, forgetting all about the other side. I guess though it is a risk you take no matter whether you go through adoption or IVF...there are no guarantees in life. It sucks though to shell out tons of money for what most people can do without even a thought. To get your hopes up and then have the rug pulled out from under you. It scares the CRAP out of me!

Over all I thought the show was ok. It definitely lets you think about the other side of things and how brave these women are to not take the easy way out and to think of their baby and not necessarily of themselves first. I admire these women and the couples who adopt the babies. Both sides it takes amazing strength and patience. I only hope that if/when I get to this point I can be that kind of person.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Wow it ICLW already?

ICLW recap:

Me: 35
DH: the most wonderful man I know 42
Married: 8 yrs (together for 15)
Diagnosis: PCOS (it really sucks)
TTC: for almost 9 yrs 4 angels in heaven. 2 early miscarriages and 2 ectopics. 1 ectopic was extremely rare and implanted in my cervix.

If you would like to learn more about me you can read these posts here or here

What is oing on with me:

I can not believe it has been a month already and I am still in the same place I was in last month. Wow that really sucks! I went on Thursday and had a CT scan and got to drink a lovely cocktail of crap just for the occasion. You would think with all the advances today that they could make that contrast stuff taste better. Anyway I should be getting the results sometime next week. So I am still in my cocoon. My DH has been so wonderful taking care of me and doing all the running around. He does it without complaining and anything I ask. I love him so much!

Today is MIL birthday along with my baby nephew No.ah, although I guess I can't call him a baby anymore because he is 2 now. He just still looks so much like a baby and they grow up too fast. Sis is going to have a party for him in April. She is waiting until her knee gets a little better, which I think is a good idea. She has been doing really well since the surgery so that is good news.

I never did go see J new baby yesterday. Which really did not bum me out that much. I feel kind of bad for saying that but my back was hurting really bad after the CT scan and I was just really not in the mood for gushing over babies. Another thing my SIL is having a baby shower on Sunday. Now this is her 2nd child in a few years...Are you suppose to be having a baby shower again for the 2nd one? Now my friend J is having one but it has been 10 yrs since her last child so that is understandable. It has only been a couple for SIL. Anyway, I am not going to that at all. Not my idea of fun. I am sure MIL will be very happy (note sarcasm) about that but I do have back pain and I can't sit for that long. We won't mention I wasn't planning on going even before the back pain started. Again I just do not really feel like gushing over SIL and her 2nd child to a different guy, still unmarried and I believe only 23. The whole thing just makes me want to throw up. With all this baby stuff going on and me being stuck and all I have really been feeling bitter about IF, PCOS, and miscarriages. I am feeling like I don't fit in right now. Anyway I will talk more about that later.

I think spring is on it's way. It is starting to warm up but it is Michigan so you really never know what could happen. We moved the clocks forward last weekend. I love when it stays lighter longer. Anyway, I hope you all have a great weekend! Thank you for all who stop by newbies and regulars. Also thank you so much for leaving a comment...I just love those! Happy ICLW!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Friends baby

Well J had her baby last night at 10:00 pm. She was getting sicker and sicker so they had to deliver. She had a baby boy 4 pounds 9 ounces. I am not so sure about the name. It sounds like a girls name (at least the first name) to me but to each his/her own. I won't say the name here because I don't want them to find this blog. From the pictures he looks very cute. Mom and baby are doing well. Baby is only got a tube in his nose so he is doing really good. He was exactly 2 months early. I am going for a ct scan tomorrow right across the street rom the hospital she is at so I will probably stop by and see her. Thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Request for a friend!

Not a lot going on here but I just wanted to send a little request out her to blogland. I have a friend J who is pregnant and she has just been hospitalized with toxemia. If the baby has to be delivered now it would be 2 months early.She has 2 kids and had 1 miscarriage a couple years ago. She got divorced and then remarried and this would be her and her new hubby's 1st child together. So please send her any prayers or good thoughts that you can. I would really appreciate it!

Friday, March 13, 2009

Updates and EDDs

Today I went to see my doctor. They did an x-ray to see if I had any kidney stones and will tell me on Monday the results of that. She also did a pelvic exam and she pushed on my stomach and it felt more like she was stabbing me in the stomach. I actually cried out because of it. It surprised me because I have not been having abdominal pain at all. It has all been in my back. She said maybe it is referred pain and that is why the shots and everything else are not working. I am going to get a CT scan next Thursday to check my abdomen and pelvic area. It would be ironic if something was wrong in the pelvic area because I spend a lot of my time having ultrasounds in that area and now I have been on break since July and now there would be something wrong there? That would just be very weird. I do know though it should not feel like someone is stabbing me when doing that exam. So I guess I will have to deal with this for at least another week. The only reason I have to wait so long is because my insurance company can't approve the procedure until then. WTF? I just do not understand insurance companies most of the time. If my doctor says I need it then let me do it. It is not because I am going there to have fun and I have nothing else better to do. It just drives me crazy! I am sick of dealing with this and I want it fixed. I have done PT a couple times this week and I am also doing exercises at home so hopefully eventually I will feel better.

These last couple weeks I have had 2 EDD come and go. I did not really think of them at the time. I think because of all the pain I have been in. But I have been thinking about them the last couple days. If I would not have had my ectopic in July I would have a baby right now. I would be holding him/her. I would be loving and adoring him/her but now I am just stuck with what could of, SHOULD of been. I have been having a lot of dreams lately about babies and having babies. Some of them have been very weird. Maybe I will share sometime soon but I think I have been having them because of what I am missing right now.

My dearest Angels,

I just want to know how much I love you. Even though I never got to hold you or see you. Even though you were with me for only a short time I want you to know that I hold enough love in my heart for you for a whole lifetime. I think about you often and I wish it could have been different. I hope someday I will see you and be able to hold you but for now I will have to settle for seeing you in my dreams and holding you in my heart.

Love always,

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

What is up with me?

Well I don't believe the shots worked for me. I haven't felt all that much better. Today I went to physical therapy and man now I am really hurting. I hope that this just means I am working muscles that have not been worked in a while and that soon they will get better. I am trying to do exercises at home as well so I can get better faster. Also, I am going to the doctor on Friday and they are going to look into my kidneys and see if there is a problem there. I just really want someone to fix it. I am really sick of hurting and I am sure you are all sick of hearing me complain about it.

Anyway, there has not been much of anything going on with me since I can't really do anything. I never thought I would really want to go back to work but I really do. I am sick of my little cocoon and of watching TV. I am sorry that I may not have been keeping up with everyone's blogs as much as I would like but it is hard for me to sit for long periods of time. I am sorry that all you have really heard about is my pain but that has been my life lately. I hope to get this fixed soon and get back on to the regularly scheduled program of complaining about infertility. :)

I think my dreams of having a baby in 2009 are pretty much shot but I am ok with getting pregnant in 2009. Lets hope I can get there. It feels like everyone is getting pregnant. BTW I am truly HAPPY for all of you IFers out there who is having there dreams come true. I really am!!!!!! It gives me hope! But right now it also makes me feel left behind. I know I have to start doing something but first I have to get this back thing figured out and then comes the baby thing.

I hope you are all doing well and if I haven't commented on your blog lately I am sorry I will get caught up soon. I think of you all, all the time wondering how everyone is doing so I am going to a few blogs a day to try to keep up. You guys give me hope and inspiration and I THANK YOU all from the bottom of my heart!

Saturday, March 7, 2009


Yesterday my sister had her surgery on her knee and all went well. She is in a lot of pain but I guess that is to e expected. She had the surgery and as soon as she woke up they basically kicked her out of the hospital. Uh nothing like wham bam thank you mam. Anyway she is home now and hopefully the kids are letting her get some rest. Jo.ey kind of understands not to jump on mommas lap but the No.ah does not quite get it yet. Hopefully he will soon.

As for me...I had my shots on Thursday and I am not quite sure if they are working or not. I felt kind of good when I woke up yesterday but then I went to the hospital and did a lot of sitting and walking around and by the end (actually more closer to the beginning) of the day my back was in a lot of pain. By the time I got home I could not wait to take some pain pills and go to sleep. Today it is feeling achy a little but I have not done too much. I am going to start doing some exercises and go to some PT this week so hopefully I am on the road to recovery.

Something that made me go hmmm when I went for the shots was A) when he went to give them to me he was like does it hurt here, here, or here which was none of the places that I have been showing him for weeks now. So that makes me wonder if he has even been listening to me and B) He just throws out at the end of the appointment..."maybe you should have your kidneys checked. Have you had kidney stones?" Which as a matter of fact I have. He said problems with kidneys can cause this much back pain as well. This makes me wonder why no one has checked that yet either. I think I am going to call me regular doctor this week and see what she thinks. I don't know sometimes I wonder if doctors even listen to a word you are saying. It is driving me nuts. I have a problem and I want someone to just listen and then fix it.

Anyway, it has been very warm here the last few days although today it is rainy. So it is a nice change to not be cold. I hoe you all have a great weekend!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

An Award


I was nominated by Melissa at The Infertility Journey to Motherhood for the Honest scrap award. Thank you so very much!

Here are the rules:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself

So here are my 10 things (some you may have heard before):

1. Here is a given...My biggest fear is that I will ever have someone to call me mommy.

2. I love love love pasta. I could eat every day and be happy.

3. I can't stand when food touches each other on my plate. It grosses me out.

4. I am super organized. I can't stand that I have been laid up in bed or on the couch and not able to do anything because my husband is not very organized at all.

5. My dream is to write a book and really the ultimate would be to write children's books.

6. I am not a big cuddle person when I am sleeping. My husband is but I like to have my own space.

7. Feet completely gross me out. Anything about them. I can't stand touching socks or shoes unless they have just been washed or are brand new.

8. I could spend hours upon hours in a book store. It is like a candy store to me. I love books and reading and I especially love the smell of new books.

9. I love to do crossword puzzles. I once had one that had over 18,000 clues and was 8'x10' that you put on the wall but it got ruined in a fire we had. I wish I could find it again.

10. My husband is my bestest friend in the whole world and I don't know what I would do without him.

Who am I going to nominate? I think most have done this but I will nominate some and if you have already done it I'm sorry you can ignore.

1. Loving Charli Jade

2. The Great Big IF

3. Good Egg Hunting

4. One step at a time

5. Baby Bunts

6. On the Road to Baby

7. Bottoms off and on the Table

Monday, March 2, 2009

The results are in

I talked to the doctor today and good surgery! YAY! He said I have a bulging disc pressing on the nerves that with some aggressive therapy we can fix it. I am so happy to hear that, I just want this fixed asap. On Thursday I am going to his office and he is going to do some shots. He said I will know by Friday or Saturday if they worked. If they don't work then I will have to do some physical therapy and he said that will definitely help. He said the good thing is, is that this CAN be fixed. Thank God! I just wish I did not have to wait until Thursday for the shots. I am hoping they work because paying 35.00 a pop to go to physical therapy 3-4 times a week does not sound good for my pocket book. Anyway, at least I have a workable plan that will get me feeling better and I can't wait! Thanks for all your well wishes.

Oh and last night my older dog Katie Jo had a seizure and it scared the crap out of me. She was fine one second and then the next she had foam pouring out of her mouth and her legs were going wild. then they became rigid and she wasn't moving. I thought I was watching her die. Then after about 5 minutes she just popped up and started running around the house like nothing happened. It scared me to death. She seems fine today. I hope that does not happen again. I had a dog that had seizures before but I don't remember anything like this. It was very scary. Anyway, I hope you all have a great week.