One step forward...10 steps back

I guess I should not have opened my big fat mouth last week and said I was making progress. I jinxed it. Today hubby got paid and we were going to take that money and pay off the rest of the money to the lawyer and I set up an appointment with the lawyer for next week. Things were rolling along. BIG set back today. Hubby went to pick up his check and his wages were garnished. They took HALF of his check!!!!!

Why oh Why? I just needed this one last check and then next week it would have been stopped. Now everything is getting pushed back 2 to 3 weeks and we are going to have to live on pretty much nothing during this time. The MAJOR problem with pushing it back 3 weeks is that there is another place that could garnish his wages at any time now. Plus this month is crazy with birthdays and weddings and all those other extra costs that are not in your regular budget.

My brain is spinning in a million directions. I stared at a budget today for like 6 hours calculating and re- calculating thinking what? I am not sure? Hoping maybe money would just magically appear...no such luck! I just am so frustrated! I want to know everything is going to be ok because right now it just does not feel that way.

Let's not mention that my dog is so so sick. He is throwing up every where!!! He has not been himself for the past few weeks and then today he just started throwing up. I feel so bad for him. I wish he could talk and tell what is going on with him. It makes me sad to see him this way.

So I say all this to say I am sorry if I have been bad lately. I have been reading but not commenting much. Once I get this figured out I will be better I promise! Please send good thoughts and prayers and if anyone knows any  good chants, potion, or dance lol advice to reverse this horrible luck I have had lately I would really appreciate it!

I hope everyone is doing much better then I.


xxooxxoo

Which way do I go?

So, I am sorry that I have been silent as of late but I have been really having a hard time. It has not been a "normal" hard time for me. One where I feel the need to discuss and discuss and make plans and try to figure every thing out. I mean I have been doing that just not the discussing part of it. I have been battling it out in my brain. Some days I am winning and other days not so much. I regret to say that even here on my blog, the one place where I swore I would always say what is on my mind. I came here and said everything was fine. I wrote it hoping that maybe saying it here would just make it true...it has not.

I mean I did have a nice Easter but what I did not say was that all day I felt like I was teetering on the edge. Anything made me want to cry. We went to my sisters in the morning for brunch and the thought of going to my MILs later that day was making me sick to my stomach. All I wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed and stay there. I didn't because I really did not feel like explaining why I was not going to show up. So I sucked it up and it was nice. My MIL got a new Ip.ad so I spent a lot of time playing with that, which btw it is really cool, and we played outside with my nephews. It turned out to be an ok day but I did not talk much that day. I was afraid to open my mouth too much. Afraid I was going to burst into tears and look like a crazy person.

I feel like a failure. I feel like I have let my husband down...I have let myself down and I do not know where to go from here. I understand that I am not alone that many people are going through the same things that I am  going through. I KNOW I am not alone but I FEEL so LONELY!

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and very jittery. I hate this feeling. I have suffered from panic attacks in the past and they are not fun. I have since learned how to handle them and I have not had a full out panic attack in a while but lately it feels like it is coming. It is not a good feeling. It is hard to describe to anyone that has not been through it.

I said here I went to my friends house and we celebrated her b-day. We had fun...a lot of fun! But what I did not say was that someone asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears. It only lasted for a few minutes but I do not know where it came from. I did not say for the 1st time I felt a huge divide between me and my closest friends. I felt really left out. They all have kids and have grown up together. I mean I have been friends with them for 15 years but this is the 1st time I felt different. Nothing specific happened to make me feel this way. No one said anything. Everyone was caring and understanding and we laughed and laughed but still I felt like an outsider and that sucked!

I guess a lot lately I feel like an outsider to my life. Like things are going out of control and I have no way to stop it. The weird thing is I do not feel depressed I just feel anxious. I feel like my head is going in a million directions and I do not know how to get it going one direction. I fear making the wrong decision. I want to take the shortest path to my ultimate goal but it is really hard when I can not even see the path at all.

I am frustrated and I am angry. I just wish someone could say do this...go here...do that...and all will be fine. Unfortunately nobody can do that. I just need to take a deep breath and realize that this too will pass. I do believe everything happens for a reason. I just really wish I knew what the reason was.

So that is what has been going on with me. I hope all is well with you and I will be catching up with all of you this week.

xxoo

Plan of Attack

Sorry it has taken so long to update about what happened on Saturday. I have been trying to digest it and make sure I do the right thing. Basically the lawyer said we make too much money to declare chapter 7. She said we can do Chapter 13 because if we do Chapter 7 then we will have enough money left over to make some sort of payment. She said if we do 13 then we will make about a 300 a month payment for 3 years and then be done. We will have to give up our house but we were already planning on that since our house is worth less then half of what we owe on it and we are already out growing it and we do not have any kids. She said if we find another place where we are paying about 900 a month or I lose my unemployment then we can switch to chapter 7 at that time.

It is frustrating because I am too poor to pay anything and do anything but I am not poor enough. They go by the median income for your family size in your state. Well that is hardly fair. Michigan is a very poor state right now do to everyone losing their jobs. We made 2000 too much to do chapter 7. 2000 measley dollars. That is frustrating!

I got a call from my mortgage company saying they decided we can not do a workout program anymore because we can not afford it. Which I think makes total sense. HAHA! This is a direct quote from my mortgage company..." You either need to increase the money you make per month OR you need to decrease your monthly expenses in order for us to help you out." Um DUH!!! You should be a financial advisor. All I have to do is increase the money I make or decrease the money I spend. I would have never thought of that. I was cracking up and I said..."If I could do that then I would not be calling you because I would not need your help." Anyway, they are looking into getting us a loan that would pay off our past due balance and place it on the end of our mortgage. I do not really care at this point because I know we are going to give up the house but I am just trying to delay as long as possible. We probably have a good year before we will have to be out and I would hope that I would have a job by then. I looked in the paper and there are A LOT of houses that are rent with an option to buy so that is what will probably do. We are going to save money during the next year so that we can give them a good payment up front which I hope would increase our chances of getting a place.

I am going to get a second opinion from another lawyer not because I think it will change but because I just want to make sure we are doing the best thing and have a good lawyer. Plus I have done a lot of research since are meeting last Saturday and I feel much more educated. So that is what we are going to do. It is overwhelming and depressing but I just keep trying to tell myself that in a year from now we will be in a much better place...I hope! With the little extra money that we might have I am planning on paying my RE the 300 I owe him and hopefully get to go in and talk to him again. I at least would like to get a laparoscopy done now while I am out of work and get any other tests and such done. Then work on how we are going to do IVF with our current non existent coverage. Who knows maybe when we give up this house maybe we will move to a state the mandates coverage.

So that is our plan to attack this mountain of crap we have come across. It is not the dream plan but it will have to do. At least I am moving forward and not backwards. Hopefully it will continue.

Thank you all for you kind words and support. You all made me feel so much better!
T

No money + bad decisions = BIG TROUBLE

Well, my dear internet friends it has been a tough last 7 days. I feel like I am sinking in quicksand and having a hard time keeping my head above. This is all because of some bad decisions on my part and things out of my control. Maybe I shouldn't put this all out there but right now I feel like my head is going to burst and I just need to get it out...

 So you all know that I lost my job last June after being screwed over and this was after being out of work for 3 months due to a back injury. Anyway, because of a major lack of fundage we ended up just having our leased vehicle repossessed. It seemed like the only option at the time. I mean we had a leased vehicle that we were paying a whopping 575.00 a month for and when we were to turn in the car in September we would have been at about 65,000 miles and we were only aloud to go 36,000 so that was at 15 cents a mile for every mile over for a total of 4350.00 and then the wear and tear because we had a cracked windshield and REALLY bad tires that we would have had to fork out a couple hundred for before we turned the car in. We figured if we just let them repossess it for the last of the few months we had left we might end up better off. Who knows, as far as money goes it may end up to be cheaper but let me tell you it definitely is not less stressful!

Yesterday, we made the mistake of answering the door only to be served with a summons for the car. Now, I knew this was coming but yet it has totally stressed me out. The summons does not say much but that we have 21 days to respond and they are suing for 6200 plus costs and interest. Well, I made an appointment with a bankruptcy attorney because that was pretty much always the plan. We were going to wait until the last possible second, which was getting something saying the were taking us to court over the car, we will not win because lets face it we did not pay as agreed. Now before this ever happened my credit was not good. We had been working on fixing this but when I got injured and then lost my job everything went out the window. We will not win and then they will garnish wages and that DEFINITELY CAN NOT HAPPEN. So we figured we would declare bankruptcy and start over. Not something I am proud of or wanted to do but I feel I am left with little options. We do not really have anyone to turn to for help so what choice do we have?

Anyway, we have an appointment tomorrow morning to see what our options are but I am worried because I am not sure how we are going to pay for the bankruptcy itself. What do you do when you are too poor to go bankrupt? I think that is pretty bad. Now all this is on top of last Friday getting a notice from the IRS saying they were placing a Levy on us do to not paying 2008 takes. We made a payment arrangement and in January I paid the payment online but apparently they credited it to 2009 taxes. Um...haven't even filed those yet. Do you really think I am paying 2009 in advance when I haven't even paid 2008 yet...the answer would be NO. Luckily I looked at my confirmation online and figured out the problem and called the IRS and got it fixed but it really is not a certified letter you want to get in the mail. Also, on the same day we got something from our mortgage company saying our work out plan had expired and they were rereviewing it and needed some additional info and then a letter from the city because we kind of have neglected paying our water bill in a LONG time. They always sent a letter and said we had to pay the balance by some far out date or it would be attached to the taxes on our house which I figured was fine with me since that always came out of mortgage payment and the water isI not attached to my name so I figured fine by me...until...last Friday they said they were going to put a lien on our house until we pay them 436.00 by 03/31/10. Can you say STRESSFUL!!!

I mean this is all not a surprise and it is our fault but all at one time COME ON!!!! Not to mention unemployment was in question this week because it expired on Sunday and 1 senator was holding the approving of extensions but thankfully it was approved on Tuesday at least for another month while they try to work out the details for a longer extension. I mean they bail out all the big corps why should they not bail out all the people who need it? I can not even tell you how many resumes and applications have been sent out and I have not gotten 1 response...I am just sick to my stomach!

Right now I am feeling like a big failure and a loser and I am wondering if I am EVER going to be able to have a baby. Not to mention I was cleaning and I twisted or turned, bent over...something and totally killed my back. I was suppose to go out tonight but I CAN NOT DO that at all so I am staying home. Tomorrow I have the appointment with the lawyer and a wedding to go to. I hope I feel better.

I could really use some positive words and some prayers and anything else you can send my way. It ha been a tough week but I am hoping the bad news is over...please!

Not a good day

I am so upset! After all my delaying and putting off of my appointment with my RE I finally make the appointment. It is suppose to be tomorrow. I was excited and nervous at the same time. anyway...this morning I get a call from the office saying I have a balance that needs to be paid before I can see him. Really bad timing because I do not have it. It is 300.00 and I don't even have remotely close to that right now. So I guess now I have to wait until July. Hopefully I will be able to get caught up and come up with the money by then. It is my fault. I got the bill a long time ago, like last year. I knew I owed it but I was hoping that they would accept partial payment. no such luck. This whole IF thing really sucks!!! It makes me very bitter that I have to fork out all this money and still have nothing to show for it. I have many more thousands of dollars to go and no guarantee that I will EVER have anything to show for it. It SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!!!!

Then remember what I mentioned the other day. Well today they made the announcement to everyone in our company that 4 of our departments are moving down to Florida. they have an office there and it is much cheaper labor so bye bye. It is not my department but they told us that they will be reviewing all the TLs and probably getting rid of 1-3 of them. It does not matter if it is your department that is moving. They will just do some shuffling. I will probably be one of the ones to go since I am pretty sure my boss hates me. I don't know about the other 15 TLs but it is just a feeling I have. My problem is I am not a "yes" person. I tend to question things when they don't make sense or say something when things don't seem right. I do it professionally but apparently I don't think my boss likes it, even though she said that is why she promoted me in the 1st place. We won't mention how good my department is doing now and how smooth everything goes. But I am still trying out the don't worry about it until it happens. A lot can happen between now and December and I really don't know the other TLs business. Maybe I am just making things up in my head because I am a perfectionist and hate one little mistake. i am very hard on myself.

I do have to say the not worrying about it until it happens is kind of a little freeing. I realized that there is really nothing I can do to change what will happen, if it happens. i won't be able to change my boss's opinion because she loves the other 2 TLs under her and nothing I will do will change that. I just need to come in and do my job the best way that I know how and let the chips fall where they may. Will see how I feel as the time gets closer.

So it is only noon and this day has been crap!!! I am now so ready to get back in the fertility race but now I have to wait because of money and lets not talk about what will happen if I lose my job. I am so frustrated!

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow is game 7 of the Stan.ley Cup finals. Its the last game. Whoever wins tomorrow night will be the champs. I am hoping and praying it is the Re.d W!ngs. I need something to celebrate.

How to raise money?

So sorry I have not really been updating lately. I am still laid up with the back. I am calling the doctor tomorrow since the steroids do not seem to be doing very much. I can't sit too long st the computer, I so wish I had a lap top. I am going crazy just laying on the couch!

Anyway while I have been lying there I have been trying to come up with ways to raise some money. I need to figure out how to get a new car this year since my lease is up and I need to come up with money for IVF. So I am asking you my dear internets...what ways have you used, if any, to help finance your IVF? I thought about doing a craft... which one would be the best? I feel I can learn to do just about anything. I think I would like to make jewelry but it seems everyone is doing jewelry. Anyone have any suggestions? I would really appreciate any input. I hope all is well and thank you for the well wishes.

Thy giveth...and thy taketh away

So remember the nice Christmas present I got. You know the extra money (hahaha) I don't think extra and money should really be in the same sentence. Anyway it is gone now...$200.00 gone for one slip on the ice. I should have known something would happen...it usually does.

The good news. I am now off of work for 6 glorious days! YAY for me! My husband is really sick of me saying that. He said if I hear 6 more days one more time. I said "Don't worry tomorrow I will say 5"...LOL. Dealing with this whole car thing all day made my day go by fast so that was good...I guess. I would have rather had a slow day but what can you do, such as life.

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas! I hope all wake up to a baby under the tree. I put my order in to Santa for everyone. Let me know if I have to call customer service because he didn't come through.

If you would like to here a lovely Christmas story head on over to Murgdan's blog. I love it! Like usual she will make you laugh.

Randomness

Wow it has been 4 days since my last post. There is so much going on but yet nothing going on. Is that possible? Maybe it's just so much going on in my head but not much in real life. Im in a funk and I am not sure how to get out. I am exhauseted and haven't felt too much like writing lately. So here are some random things/thoughts...

1.  I made Iron Commentor again and I read so many wonderful peoples blogs. I love ICLW because it gives me a chance to meet people and read blogs that aren't on my "normal" reading list. However, my "normal" reading list is getting longer and longer. It is great because I feel so "at home" with all of you. You are all in my head. You know me. You are me. I am sorry that so many of us have to go through this but happy that I am not alone.

2. Just got an email from a old (not so much anymore) friend saying she was pregnant. It actually makes me sick to my stomach. She takes drugs on a regular basis thus ended our friendship because she is a totally different person. This is what perpetuates the "crack whore" theory. She does not even want the kids she has so WTF?

3. Just got notice to renew DH insurance for next year and it is going up a whopping 70.00, that is right 70.00 EVERY 2 WEEKS. That is a 140.00 a month!!!! Who does that? I do not understand this at all! 

4. Halloween is coming and I can not wait to see my nephews in their costumes. Hopefully I will have pictures to show. 

5. I feel so discouraged lately. Like I am never going to be able to have a baby of my own. I don't know how I am going to get the money and that just frustrates the hell out of me! 

6. I am LOVING the new season of "H.eroes". 

Well that is all I got for now. I hope you all are doing Fantastic! Any suggestions for getting out of this funk would be welcomed because all the usual is not working.