2009 is here!

My dear friend 2009,

I have been looking forward to you for a while now. Much like I did your evil twin 2008 or your cousins 2007, 2006, and 2005. They did not live up to my expectations. On several occasions they rally pissed me off as a matter of fact. So I am sending you a note as kind of a warning so you will not make the same mistakes as they did. For example (and I will use 2008 for more recent examples), when I am taking injections and do a trigger shot it is really not a good April fools joke to give me kidney stones at the EXACT time I am suppose to "do it"...really not funny at all. Also, and even worse still do not then let me find out I am pregnant as kind of a fluke only to find out the next day that I am having a miscarriage and then 2 days later find out it is another ectopic. This is not exactly my idea of a great time. Another good thing to avoid would be the taking of any lives of any of my family, extended family, or friends. These people are very important to me and I would like them all to stay around. On the job front I would like to avoid the roller coaster ride that was 2008 and just have everything calm down. The wondering all the time if I will have a job or not can really be exhausting. As a side note to this my dearest 2009 if you could find a way to throw some extra money my way I would very much appreciate it. I have a lot of things coming up such as taxes, my lease is expiring and I will probably need IVF so I could really use some extra funds. If the extra funds for IVF is a little too much then please just have the last round of injections I am planning work with a live baby resulting from said injections. If that happens then 2009 you and I can become the best of friends.

So in closing 2009 I have heard some good things about you. Your refrences have all been good. I have high hopes for you and I do not want to have to be talking to your supervisor, 2010, about what a crappy job you did. So lets work together to make this a happy and enjoyable year. Thank you.

Love always,

To Baby and Beyond



So it's finally 2009. It's 1:30 and I home in my pajamas already. Man I think I am getting old. There was a time that we would just be really getting started but tonight it was like we all could not wait for midnight. Don't get me wrong we had a BLAST tonight. I ate and I ate and I ate some more then we played my new found love "Gui.tar He.ro". Seriously tomorrow I am trying to get this for my PS2.

Anyway, as I have said many times before I am so happy it is 2009 but tonight when I was saying goodnight to DH (poor guy has been up since 2:30 am...he was tired). I said the usual I love you and was walking away. Some how at that moment my heart told me that was not enough so I said " I am truly a lucky person to have found you. I mean in all of this world you are the one that makes me happy. We have been through some tough times but they have made us stronger. It has made us love each other deeper and for that I am truly thankful". To that being the oh so romantic person he is he said "yeah I know". We laughed and now he is sawing logs.

But tonight I felt really deeply how much I love him. How much I really am looking forward to spending another year with him, whether all my dreams come true or not I will always know that one of them did come true about 15 years ago and for that I am so blessed.

I am thankful

In honor of Thanksgiving I would like to do a post about what I am thankful for. At night I always try to count my blessings just before I go to sleep. I figure I spend a lot of time wishing for things I don't have and asking why me, I need to also spend time being grateful. I have a lot to be thankful and here are some of those things...

1. My husband - as mentioned in previous posts here and here, he is a great man. He is my soul mate and I do not know what I would do without him. I love you honey.

2.My job - I get very frustrated with it a lot, especially lately, but I am very grateful to have one. Especially since I work in the auto industry, which is a very scary industry to work in, I am happy that I am getting a pay check every two weeks and a semi good one at that.

3. My fur babies - Sammy, Katie Jo, Mia, and even the birds Romeo and Juliet. They put a smile on my face every day. They can take a bad day and erase all the badness. They love me unconditionally and I love them with all my heart.

4. My nephews - Jo.ey and No.ah. I am blessed to have them in my life. Although sometimes it is hard to think I should have children the same age, they are my heart and if they were not in my life I would not have the sunshine they bring me even on a cold dreary day.

5. My sister - Who in the last 4-5 years has become my best friend. It is a place that I never thought we would be. We did not get along for a long time and it made me sad but I am so happy to have developed this relationship with her. She offers unconditional support and I am so glad she is my not only my sister but my friend.

6. My mother - A mother who loves me for who I am. She can be infuriating sometimes but I would not be the person I am today if it wasn't for her. She taught me strength through some unimaginable rough times, perserverance (or maybe that is stubborness?), and most of all love.

7. My friends - The friends who stick by me through every thing. Who call to say if I need them to call them any time and they will be here in a second. They have held me up when I did not think I would be able to stand again. They made me laugh when I thought there was nothing to laugh about and they stand by my side when I feel alone.

8. My internet friends - You guys are the greatest. The support I receive from people who have never met me is nothing short of AMAZING. If you want to know more about how I feel about you just read my recent post here. Thank you again!

9. All my angels - When I get to heaven someday I will have all of you there waiting for me. That is going to be beautiful. You taught me love is possible for someone you have not even met yet and someone that was only here in my belly for only a few days or weeks. I wish with all that I am that it could have ended differently, that I could hold you in my arms and watch you grow up but I can't so I choose to be grateful for the short time I felt you and someday I will see you. I love you my angels.

10. My infertility - yes you read that right. Do not get me wrong I do not wish this on anyone and if I could choose I would definitely not choose this road. But it has taught me so much! Somethings I wish I did not have to learn, but still when I finally do get to hold that precious baby in my arms one thing they will never lack is love. They will know how much they are wanted and loved. I will never take one second of their lives for granted. I think IF has taught me how to be one great mother, which I hope to be someday, and I am thankful.

So those are my top 10 things I am thankful for. Notice it is not things it is people. Surround yourself with good loving people and you will have so much to be thankful for everything else comes in a distant second.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

Unexpected friendship

Today I met someone. Someone much like myself. Someone going through the same struggles I go through everyday. Someone who I now call my friend.

I didn't think it would really happen. I was very skeptical. My sister (L) has an assistant at work who is lucky to be bestowed with the wonderful "gift" (note the sarcasm) we call infertility. So L has been telling me about her for a while now, saying we should get together because she is feeling alone and maybe if we talked we could find a kinship with each other.  I thought yea maybe. But about 2 weeks ago L emailed me and asked if she could give her assistant my email address so I figured sure what could it hurt? Within a few minutes the girl emailed me asking if I would like to get together. I thought "whoa, that was quick". Not even "Hi", "how are you doing" but just"let's get together".  It felt weird. I am not sure why and this may sound strange but it felt like I was being set up on a "blind date", and I have never been one for blind dates. But, I agreed and then the following 2 weeks was followed by going back and forth in email about when, where, blah blah, blah. 

To tell you the truth I was not looking forward to this. I felt I was kind of doing my sister a favor. I was worried about this person working for L. If I told her things would she tell L? I'm sure she felt the same. I mean L and I are close but there are still things I don't tell her,  there are things I don't share because she doesn't get "it, she couldn't possibly get "it".   I didn't want this to be a lunch filled with crying, emotions, telling inner most secrets to someone I just met.  What else could we have to talk about? I heard things that had made me feel like we were in 2 different places in our journey and I didn't want to be pulled into uncomfortable places. I mean I feel like I am sad, angry, heartbroken, and sometime hopeless but I don't like to wallow in it. I don't like to hide and not talk to any of my close friends or family just because they have babies. Don't get me wrong I am not running to baby showers and birthday parties but I am not hiding either. Like I said before Infertility is part of who I am but it is not all of who I am, and I had the impression that for her it was. Which I am not saying is wrong at all! I understand it, but I am trying hard not to get sucked in by the grief. Some days it works...other days not so much.

Instead what I got was a lesson in not assuming.  I met a person in real life who is like me. Who has the same worries, the same heartbreak, and the same desire to have a child. It was nice to talk to someone, face to face, who knows what you mean when you refer to the 2ww, Gonal F, and the pain of miscarriage. A person that can groan at the stupidity of the health care system that will pay for birth control and consider "headaches" as a FMLA reason for being off work but not "infertility", because you know, "having children is not a necessary 'life' activity". A person who I know now, doesn't just needs to cry on my shoulder but needs someone that will not be talking about how I was up all night because my baby wouldn't sleep, instead I will be talking about how I was up all night because I was nervous about my next cycle. I won't be talking about my child's first steps, I will be talking about the first steps in the IVF process or the adoption process. And I just have to say it was great. I was afraid that the beginning and end of the things we have in common would be infertility and I want a friendship that is more then that. It turns out we have a lot of things in common. In a lunch we developed a friendship, held together with a common bond. And it is so nice to know I have someone close by that would be here in a second to comfort just because she know what it feels like and I would do the same for her.  So I have to say thank you to L because I found someone to talk to, who knows me without really knowing me just yet. I found a friend I never expected.

Oh, look dandelions....

What a wonderful husband I have... I think I may take for granted how truly lucky I am sometimes. It is not in the major things but it's the kind gestures and his patience and kindness. I need to remember how great he is to me.

Today we did our normal routine of him coming home on lunch and driving me to work. When I got to work I found out I had a meeting at my normal lunch time and I called him to ask what we could work out since I needed to leave for lunch. He said he would come over at 12:00 and then I could drive him back to work and then when he got off he would walk across the street and get the car. Now this isn't a normal street, it is actually a 6 lane highway but anyway. So I drove him back and realized I did not have my keys so he said just use his and put the keys in the glove box because he would be off in less than an hour and he will get the car then. Ok..."Don't forget...leave the door unlocked" he said.

Well, as you probably guessed I forgot. I put the keys in the glovebox and then my mind wandered...you know kind of like the cheese commercial for happy California Cows. The cow says "Im going to win this race...I'm going to do it...I can do it...oh look dandelions" and then the race is over. I said to myself "Don't lock the keys in the car...don't lock the keys in the car...Oh I wonder what this stupid meeting is going to be about at 1:00..." then I hit the car lock and shut door. About 10 minutes later I thinkto myself..."I don't remember if I locked the door or not."

I called DH and warned him that I might, maybe just maybe, forgot to keep the doors open. He said I hope not but we will see when I get there. I said I would go down to check but he said don't worry about it. Needless to say when he got there the doors were locked. He called his mom and she was getting off work at 2:00 so he walked 4 miles so she could give him a ride home so he could get the other set of keys.

When I called him when my meeting was over I was apologizing like crazy...I felt so bad he had to go through all this because I was an airhead. But you know what...he was not even what bit upset or annoyed with me. He didn't berate me or make me feel guilty.  He said 'don't worry it's probably God's way of telling me I need excercise". How great is that? I would like to think I would have reacted the same, been nice and understanding, patient and kind, but if I really want to be honest...I would have probably tried to make him feel guilty all night. I mean I wouldn't have yelled and screamed, after all it was an accident,  but I wouldn't have been so patient. How bad am I? This is something I need to work on, Patience. Although it seems whenever I pray for God to give me patience I seem to get it, but not the way I want to learn it. I get it by the most annoying person, place, or thing crossing my path. It's a "be careful what you wish for" type of thing. 

But the next time when he does something that irritates me I need to remember this. I need to remember his patience...remember this moment...remember husband was very understanding...remember....remember...oh look dandelions....