Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Happy New Year!

I am back to work and I was totally right...it sucked. First of all I think I slept too much on my vacation because I could not fall asleep last night. I finally did at 3:00 am and when you have to get up at 6:30 that really sucks. So I am very tired today. I did get a lot accomplished at work so maybe I should go in exhausted more often. Also, today the building was warmer than usual which I thought it would be quite the opposite since most of the building was not working. It was nice to finally not have to wear my sweater and my jacket to keep warm.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. Every New Year's Eve we go to my friends house and eat and drink ourselves silly. We make so many different breads, snack foods, desserts and the most awesome dip in the world. I will have to share the recipe sometime. We started doing this about 8 or 9 years ago. It started as a celebration for 2 of her kids birthdays and then expanded into a New Year's celebration. It is always soooo much fun. We play cards or games (this year maybe with their new W.ii). The kids are older now so they entertain themselves and the adults have a blast. It is nice because we do not get to see each other very often since we all lead very busy lives. So it is nice to get caught up, have some fun and try to forget about the crap that has happened in the last year. At least I do know that I will not start my New Year like last year. At least it is not looking that way. It is Michigan so you never know but last year we had a hell of a snow storm. we went out to her parents house and they live about 45-60 minutes away. They have a bigger place so it is nice to go there however it is a long drive. Anyway the snow started coming down at about 10:30-11:00. As soon as midnight hit we were on the road. Apparently everyone else had the same idea.

They wanted me to stay the night but I am big sleep in my own bed kind of person. I mean I like to go on vacation but when you are talking 8 adults and 5 children in a 3 bedroom house there really isn't a lot of places to sleep. So I wanted to leave. We did and I literally thought I was going to die on the way home. I am a horrible passenger seat driver. Probably because I have control issues
wanted to be safe. It was so bad you could barely see the hand in front of your face. Of course nothing was done to the roads so they were filled with snow. I called my mom and talked to her the whole way home just to try to prevent my DH from killing me going insane. When we got about 5 mile from home it was like it never really snowed. There was like maybe a 1/2 inch on the ground. It is so weird how it can vary so dramatically in just a short distance. Fun times I tell ya...fun times!

So to make a short story long we are not suppose to get any snow like that tomorrow night...of course we are suppose to get about 3 inches or so tonight. Anyway this year would be easier because we are close to home. I will enjoy it much more because I won't have to worry about the roads. So bring on the fun and BRING ON 2009! I can not wait. New Year...New Hope and I am ready for it.

I hope you all have a very SAFE and HAPPY NEW YEAR! 2009 is going to be great I can just feel it! (Fake it til you make it right?)

Monday, December 29, 2008

Vacation ending, New Year coming

My time off is winding down. :( I am so upset. Today is my last day and then tomorrow back to the daily grind. I hate this time of year at work because there is so much to do. I have to do performance reviews and get ready for 1099 season. It sucks. Unfortunately I do not feel as refreshed and ready for it as I thought I would. I enjoyed my vacation. I did not do anything special but I relaxed, I slept in, I spent time with family and friends, I watched movies, I napped and I loved every moment! The thing that really sucks the most is that I do not really have anything to look forward to now and that makes going back to work all that more difficult. Oh well, what can you do?

It is almost the New Year and I am looking forward to that. New Year, New Hope! 2009 has got to be better. Although I do say this every year I am hoping it is true this time. I mean how many years can this crap go on? My luck or whatever has got to turn sometime...I hope. I know I am just setting myself up but I am going to choose to believe that this is my year. This is the time that everything is going to work out. I am not sure how but I will find the money for IVF or better yet I won't even need IVF because my last round of injections are going to work. I am going to figure out how to get a new car. I am going to not owe any taxes. I am going to lose weight. My job will become more secure. My back pain will get better. I will get pregnant and stay pregnant until a live baby is born. I will be like the little engine that could. I think I can...I think I can...I think I can...

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Show and Tell

I am such a dork! Sorry I posted the wrong link under the current Show and Tell. If you are here for Show and Tell for the weekend of January 24th please click here.

Show and Tell

I haven't participated in show and tell for a little bit. I guess I haven't had much to show. Today I am showing my great free gift I received in the mail. I don't know if any other have tried this but I thought it was pretty funny so I wanted to show it to you all. It was the first thing I thought of when I received it in the mail.

So I went to the ma.gic er.aser website and they said "fill this form out and you can get a free magic eraser." Well I absolutely LOVE this thing. I mean it cleans everything with ease. Instead of scrubbing and scrubbing all I have to do is get out my handy dandy eraser and it "erases" all my problems away. Especially for those hard to get off stuck on food on the stove...no problemfor the eraser. Off in a second. So I was excited to get a "free" eraser in the mail. So I eagerly filled out my form and waited for it in the mail. To tell you the truth I actually forgot I did this so when it arrived in the mail I was excited. DH said "Oh look a free eraser". I was like " Oh yea I filled out something for it". I opened my box and this is what I received.


Obviously the small one is the free one. The one on top is the size of a real one. I thought this was hilarious.Oh, the things I am going to clean with this. I am going to start with my pinky toe nail and then move on to um...not sure what. I mean I know it's free but really... was it really wrth the expense of sending that thing. If I did not already know what a ma.gic era.ser was this would not really show me.

Anyway, head on over to Mel's place and see what others are showing this week.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Favorite things Friday

I know I have already said DH is my favorite thing but I think he deserves 2 posts so I saw this on Stop the Train, I wanna get off's blog and I thought it was a great idea so I have tagged myself and am posting it here. Feel free to use this on your blog and let me know so I can learn more abut your wonderful hubby!

5 Things DH Loves:

1. God
2. Me
3. Family
4. Beer
5. Sports

5 Things on DH's "To Do" List:

1. Clean out the garage
2. Start Working out
3. Win the lottery (although it would help if he played)
4. Take me out on a romantic night (hint hint)
5. Go on vacation

5 Foods DH Enjoys:

1. Steak and Potatoes
2. Pizza
3. Italian
4. Mexican
5. German chocolate cake

5 Things You May Not Know About DH :

1. He does all (and I mean all) the cooking in our house
2. He has a wide range of music taste. His 2 favorite bands are KISS and Rascal Flatts.
3. He is scarred of snakes (and I am not at all)
4. He can fall asleep at the drop of a hat (sometimes in the middle of a sentence)
5. He is good at every sport/game he ever tries even if it is the first time he has ever played.

5 Quirky Things About DH :

1. He paces around the house when he is talking on the phone.
2. He snores LOUDLY!
3. When he sneezes it sounds like he is coughing so I never know whether to say "God Bless You"
4. When we are driving he will read most of the signs he sees whether it is roadside or a store out loud.
5. Most tear jerker movies he will cry sometimes more then me

So that is my DH in a nutshell. I will say it again I love him more than anything and I do not know what I would do with out him (quirks and all). He makes all the dark days seem a little bit lighter.

So join in the fun and tell me about your hubby.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Christmas day

I had a good day this Christmas! We went to MIL for a little while. She bought herself a W.ii and let me tell you that thing is AWESOME! I had never played W.ii and now I need to figure out a way to get one. It is very addicting! We exchanged gifts and then I went to my sis's house. My nephews were so cute as always. As soon as I came down to the basement Jo.ey made a beeline to me because I had the presents. Of course I let them open them right away. It was fun to watch them open them. We of course got Jo.ey a train and some tracks for his new train table he got for Christmas. This kid is OBSESSED with trains. He has so many of them he could open his own store. No.ah is a little harder he doesn't have anything that he just loves but he does like to dance and he likes music so we got him a kiddie size keyboard and he loved it.

It was funny yesterday Jo.ey was not listening very well and my sis has been threatening with Santa for the last couple months saying "If you are not good Santa won't come" She always tells him she is going to call him. Well yesterday he called her bluff LOL. He said he wanted to talk to Santa. So she called me and asked for Santa and spelled DH name. So I got DH on the phone and he pretended to be Santa and told him to be good and to go potty in the potty like big boys. It worked and so sis said next year DH will be on call for the holiday season.

Anyway we had a delicious dinner and had a nice time with the family. I have to add that my mom has been doing fantastic on her diet and she looks really good. I am so proud of her.

I hope all of you had a great day!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


Nothing went my way today but I am home relaxing, it's Christmas so I am not complaining. I just wanted to wish all of you in blogland a very Merry Christmas! I hope you have a safe and happy day. Remember the New Year is right around the corner and with the New Year comes renewed hope. For all of you remembering a baby that never was or never came to be I am remembering with you and I hope you have peace this Christmas. That you remember there are many of out here who are thinking of you, praying for you and know exactly how you feel. I hope for Christmas you have a day filled with laughter and no tears. Thank you, all of you for helping me through some very difficult times. You all deserve the very best for Christmas and the whole year through!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Thy giveth...and thy taketh away

So remember the nice Christmas present I got. You know the extra money (hahaha) I don't think extra and money should really be in the same sentence. Anyway it is gone now...$200.00 gone for one slip on the ice. I should have known something would happen...it usually does.

The good news. I am now off of work for 6 glorious days! YAY for me! My husband is really sick of me saying that. He said if I hear 6 more days one more time. I said "Don't worry tomorrow I will say 5"...LOL. Dealing with this whole car thing all day made my day go by fast so that was good...I guess. I would have rather had a slow day but what can you do, such as life.

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas! I hope all wake up to a baby under the tree. I put my order in to Santa for everyone. Let me know if I have to call customer service because he didn't come through.

If you would like to here a lovely Christmas story head on over to Murgdan's blog. I love it! Like usual she will make you laugh.


Ugh we are getting more snow that tonight will turn into freezing rain and then tomorrow rain. Gotta love Mic.higan. Only a couple more hours of work and then I am outta here! DH just came to pick me up on my lunch so I could take him and pulling into our parking lot he tried to go to fast, hit some ice, slid into the curb...hard. So guess what we get for that simple little slip and slide....a cracked rim YAY for me so now we need to try to find someone to fix it today because really who is going to fix it on Christmas Eve? I have no money...crap, crap, crap.

I hate winter!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Top 101

Again I saw this on an Unfair Struggles blog and thought it would be a good idea. So here it goes...

101 random facts about myself that you may or may not know.

1. I am 34
2. I will soon be 35
3. I am an Aquarius
4. I have been married to my DH for 8 1/2 years.
5. We have been together for 15 1/2 and lived together pretty much the whole time.
6. I love DH more then anything (he told me to put this in here but I really really do)
7. 7 is my favorite number. I was born on the 7th in 1974. DH and I got married in the 7th month on the 21st (multiple of 7). His b-day is on the 14th (also a multiple of 7). We started dating 07/17. We had been dating for 7 yrs b4 we got married. My DH is 7 yrs older then me.
8. I have had 2 early miscarriages and 2 ectopics
9. One of my ectopis was extremely rare. It was in my cervix
10. I like to name all my animals with people names. Currently I have Sammy, Katiejo, Mia, Romeo and Juliet.
11. I love dolphins!
12. I have a dolphin tatoo that you can't see unless I wear a bikini and I don't think that will be happening again in this lifetime.
13. I have PCOS
14. I have been TTC for over 8 yrs
15. My favorite color is Red or Orange
16. I pretty much drink nothing but Coke. I love it!
17. I am an obsessive worrier. I can worry about anything and everything and once I have figured something out it is on to the next thing to worry about.---I hate it!
18. I hate peanut butter! I can not even stand the smell of it!
19. I love the smell of coffee but can't stand the taste.
20. I like the taste of watermellon flavor but I do not like watermellon.
21. My favorite desserts are ice cream pie and chocolate covered strawberries.
22. My favorite food is ribs.
23. I am a chocoholic. Dark chocolate is my favorite.
24. I have had a fire burn down my house---twice.
25. My sister's nickname for me is Bella ---I am not sure why.
26. My one "freebie" (wink, wink) is Mat.thew McCo.nau.ghey.
27. His is San.dra Bul.lo.ck.
28. I love Hockey! Red Wings are the best!
29. I love U of M football!
30. I wanted to be a lawyer growing up until I saw 1st hand how the justice system worked and I thought it sucked. I figured I would be always being held in contempt of court so I gave up on that.
31. My dream has been to write Children's books.
32. My biggest fear is that I will never have children.
33. I have been in 4 car accidents in my life. All of them were on the 21st of the month.
34. We got married on the 21st...pretty risky...I did not drive.
35. My nephew Jo.ey was born on our anniversary. What a great gift!
36. I have never broken a bone (knock on wood).
37. I am super organized. Ask me for instructions to the toaster and I have them and can get them within a minute.
38. I have read the Bible 3 times all the way through.
39. I am a reality TV addict.
40. My favorite non-reality shows are "He.roes" and "Lo.st".
41. My favorite movie is "50 Fir.st Da.tes"
42. I have made Iron Commentor every month I have entered ICLW so far...3 times going for the fourth.
43. Blogging has been one of my favorite things since I started it. It has been the savior of my sanity.
44. My DH does all the cooking in our house. I hate cooking!!!
45. I like snakes but I can not stand any type of bug, especially spiders!
46. I was a majorette in junior high.
47. In high school I played fast pitch softball.
48. I also sang in the choir. We went to state competition and received a 1 (which is the best).
49. I took 4 yrs of Spanish but I can not speak it (except to count and a few words here and there).
50. I am a night person. On weekends I am usually staying up until like 3 or 4 am doing nothing much.
51. It may be because I have insomnia.
52. I can not stand to use a towel more than once before washing.
53. I have to have my own bar of soap. I do not like to use soap that others have used.
54. I can recite the alphabet backwards.
55. I have dimples.
56. I believe everything happens for a reason even though we might not necessarily ever find out what that reason is...sometimes it really sucks.
57. I am obsessed with pens. I buy them all the time. I especially like the gel pens.
58. I would rather listen to talk radio then music most of the time.
59. Bi.lly Jo.el is my favorite singer. I have been to his concert 5 times.
60. I love grape flavored anything.
61. I love to watch ghost shows like Gh.ost Hun.ters and Gh.ost adv.enturs but I am not sure if I believe in ghosts.
62. I love horror movies.
63. My toe nails always must be painted and it is usually some form of red and they must be cut short.
64. I had some baby teeth until I was in my 20's and then I lost them and never got adult teeth.
65. Nobody is aloud to call me Shelly except one of BFF's because when we met we were working at a place that had another Michelle so I had to choose another name. So this is really what she knows me by except sometimes she tries to call me Michelle and it just sounds funny coming from her. The only other ones would be my nephews.
66.I would like to move to Tennessee one day.
67. I love to read but it always seems to go in spurts when I get into reading I can read a book in about 3-4 hrs.
68. If money was not a concern I would adopt lots of children.
69. I hate the snow except for the 1st minute after it has fallen before it is disturbed.
70. I secretly still like to watch the old Bev.erly Hi.lls 902.10. I loved that show and I still do ---disturbing I know.
71. I really do not feel like working right now...or ever...but don't get me wrong I am very thankful for my job.
72. Only 1 more day before my vacation.
73. I did not put up any Christmas decorations this year.
74. I did not send out Christmas cards either...I must be a scrooge.
75. I really would like to go sky diving and bungi jumping one day.
76. When I was a little girl I used to think men eventually turned into dogs because they were so hairy...(little did I know that some teenage and boys in their 20's were really the dogs.
77. I can name all the states, where they go and their capitals.
78. I can name all the countries of the world.
79. I love to be barefoot.
80. But I hate hate hate feet! ---its actually a pretty irrational hatred...I mean seriously hate.
81. I have really great eyesight and hearing. I think better then most at least in the eyesight department.
82. The feel of cotton balls gives me the heeby jeebies...I use them I just don't like the feel of them at all.
83. My first "love" ended up becoming really good friends with my DH and he stood up for him in our wedding.
84. I always have great plans to scarpbook and have even bought lots of supplies but I have never gotten around to actually doing it.
85. I love to play Scra.bble and Ba.ckgam.mon
86. I have never been out of the country...well I have been to Canada but seeing as Canada is closer to me then my mother and it literally takes 15 minutes to get there from my house I don't think it counts.
87. I love roller coasters but when we are going up the hill I have a harder time going up then I do going down. I hang on tight on the way up and hold up my arms on the way down---very weird I know.
88. I have always wanted to go to Australia but the long flight does not sound appealing.
89. I was arrested once ---Funny story, I did not pay a speeding ticket because I felt I should not have gotten it anyway so I figured I would show them and not pay it. I got pulled over about 6 months later and by this time I had a suspended license. The cop told me to have someone pick me up and go take care of the ticket...I didn't and 2 weeks later the SAME cop pulled me over and then he arrested me. I thought it was hilarious because really what are the chances of the same cop pulling you over...it took a while for me to convince my mom I was in jail and I needed her to bail me out. She got lost and meanwhile I got arraigned via video. The judge asked me if I understood the charges I said yes...he said how do you plead...I said Guilty...he said obviously you don't understand so I will accept your plea of not guilty and see you in a couple weeks...apparently pleading guilty would have meant I would have spent a while in jail. I went back a few weeks later and paid a 200 fine and it was done. That was my big time in the slammer. I guess I really showed them by not paying the ticket...hahaha
90. I love God but I am not religious.
91. I love love love when I get comments on my blog. It makes my whole day.
92. This list is a whole lot harder then I thought it would be.
93. I love to get mail that is not bills like catalogs, cards and letters...however I do not get many. :(
94. I get sucked in by infomercials. I swear anything they are trying to sell I am convinced I absolutely have to have it.
95. I can not wait for this year to be over.
96. I really hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!
97. and a Happy New Year!
98. I thank you all for your support!
99. I hope their is a massive baby boom next year and all of us in this community have babies.
100. I may complain but I am truly a blessed person!
101. If you read this whole thing thank you.

Whew I am so glad I am done.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

It's that time already?

Welcome all you ICLWers. I can not believe it is this time again. I feel like it was just ICLW last week. This year has just flown by. Let me give you a recap of me for all of you who are new to this blog and the regulars. I hope you all have a safe and very MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Name: Michelle
Age: 34 (soon to be 35)
Diagnosis: PCOS
TTC: For over 8 yrs. In the process I have had 3 lost babies. 2 early miscarriage and 2 ectopics.

I live in Michigan and right now it is COLD!!!! and very snowy! I hate this weather but as they say here wait 5 minutes and it will change.

I have been married to my DH for 8 1/2 years but we have been together for 15 1/2. we have lived together for pretty much the whole time. He is a truly wonderful man and I do not know what I would do or where I would be without him.

My sis has 2 kids Jo.ey and No.ah that I talk about often here. They can always be counted on to bring a smile to my face. I can not wait to spend Christmas with them. Jo.ey is 3 and No.ah is almost 2. I love them with all my heart.

Currently I am on "break" from TTC because I had a mc in July and I want to stay sane. Also I need to save money for IVF. I will probably go in sometime in February or March to try one more round of injections with added progesterone. My RE never gave me progesterone before even though I have proven to have early mc and I have PCOS. So we are going to try it this time. I hope it works because I am not sure how I will afford IVF.

Anyway, thank you for stopping by and I hope to talk soon. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I can not wait for 2009!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

It's the final countdown

We survived "the Great Storm of 'o8". Every one is safe and warm now. I believe we did get the 10 inches of snow and some of the roads are still not great but over all it is good. On my way to work yesterday it was a little scary and I wondered if my Fus.ion would be able to trudge through all that snow but it did. It is a good car. DH went around in the afternoon and made some cash shoveling snow, so extra cash is always good. Oh, and the cutest thing...I let my dogs out when we got home and they are not tall dogs and we did not have a path shoveled for them but it had been all day for them so I let them out and it was hilarious. Sammy walked in the middle and then realized uh the snow is over me and watching him try to get out was the funniest thing. Katie just stayed by the house...she was the smart one. I ran to get my camera to snap a picture but by that time Sammy got the hang of it and was hoping like a rabbit to the back door. Too cute!

Today, I finished my Christmas shopping and I am very excited about that..well I might have a couple little things to get but other than that I am done. Plus my boss got me a gift certificate to Ba.th and Bo.dy Wo.rks so I went and stocked up on lotions and stuff. I think I may be addicted to lotions. I am starting quite the collection and I could have bought more but I didn't have any money left. Let me tell you the stores are CRAZY today! The lines to get in and out of the strip malls were insane! But I don't have to go back until after Chris.tmas and that is what matters.

Tonight, I am going to curl up on my couch and watch some Christmas movies I have DVR'd throughout the week. DH is going out with his brother later tonight. It is BIL's b-day so they are going to the bar and having a good ole time. It is great with me because I can have some relaxation alone time. Just what I need.

Last but certainly not least...I am on a final count down until I am off work for 1,2,3,4,5,6 that is 6 days folks!!! Six in a row and it is not because I had a miscarriage and it is not because I am sick (knock on wood)or for RE appointments. I think this a first for me in a looong time! I can not wait! I so need a break from that place. So 2 more working days (16 hrs) and then I am outta there!

I hope you have a great weekend!!!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Favorite Things Friday

Update: It is not just snowing it is dumping on us...and yes I am at work :(

Ok All, I have a new favorite thing and it is Exhale: A Literary Magazine for Intelligent People Who Have Lost a Baby, Or Have Trouble Making Babies in the First Place. The first issue just came out and it was put together by Monica over at Knocked up, Knocked Down (one of my favs). You did such a good job Monica and all the other women ( Monica C, Cara, Chicklet, Sharon, Shawn, Heather, Pamela, Murgdan, and Arielle, who wrote and are writing for it. You made me laugh out loud, nod in agreement, and let out a giant EXHALE because you all GET it...you GET me. I am so glad this came together so nicely and I can not wait to read more!

So if you have not checked it out please go over there and read it cover to cover or I guess web page to web page. It will definitely leave you wanting more! Thank you again for this fantastic magazine!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Storm of the Century

So we are gearing up for the "STORM of the Century". At least according to the news. We are suppose to get up to 10 inches of snow so it should make driving to work SO much fun...I can't wait! According to all reports I better stock up on food for the next 4 weeks because we will be SNOWED IN! LOL I just love how the news plays these storms. You would think te end of the world is on it's way.

We had a big meeting today that said "Storm Preparations" here I was getting my hopes up and they basically wanted to discuss what we are going to do with the calls when no one shows up tomorrow. There is a .000000000000000001% chance that a car company that shall remain nameless may decide to close the building but in the 7 yrs I have worked there it has only happened in the "Great East Coast Blackout" a few years ago. I say if you are trying to save money you should just close for the day, I mean no one is buying cars anyway...especially in a snow storm, but I guess that is why I am not paid the "big" bucks. I hate driving in the snow. It's pretty for about the first few minutes before everyone stomps all over it but then it just sucks! I'm hoping the "Great snow of '08" doesn't happen but we will see in the morning. Oh well, I guess I will go get my sled dogs ready for tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Early Christmas present

I had a nice thing happen to me this weekend. I got a call from a place that I have a home equity line of credit and a personal loan through. They just wanted to ask me if it was ok if they defer my 2 payments this month so I would not have to pay them this month. I would just resume payments next month. Uh let me think about that....YES!!! This is the 2nd time they have done this and I told them "for the record you don't really have to ask me you can just tell me I don't have to pay. You really won't get any argument from me." They said they had to but I think it is a great Christmas present. It helps me a little. Hmmm if only I could get my mortgage company and car company to do that I would be all set.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Marker of Time

Christmas is always a marker of time for me. As I am sure it is with a lot of you. It's the time (along with my birthday) that I always torture myself and say "Next year I will have a baby or will be expecting a baby". It never happens, but I plan it out in my head...making the Grand Announcement at Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, buying cute ornaments that read "babies first Christmas". I never learn. The hope of a new year lingers in the air. It's just around the corner it was just the luck of the number...2009 will be better. This will be the year that all the stars align all my wishing on a star, throwing pennies in a wishing well, and making a wish as I blow out my birthday cake candles...this is the time it will come true. I start making deals I will do this if by this time next year everything is different, if I have a baby bump and not a fatty lump. If I have a baby that lives instead of another angel waiting for me in heaven. Sadly all the deal making hasn't resulted in anything except another year of dreams dashed and hearts broken.

So at Christmas time I wish I could close my eyes and click my ruby red slippers and go back to where the world is right to where wishes and dreams really do come true. But I go on, I've learned to as they say "Fake it til you make it". Some year (and I'm sure it will be next year)will be my year. It will be the year that makes all the previous years worth it. It will make all the pain, not go away because I don't think it will ever fully go away, but it will lessen. Everything I do and everything that go through is experienced differently because of the emptiness in my heart. It is so sad all that IF takes away.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Favorite things Friday

This time for my favorite things I am going to talk about my favorite Christmas movie. That is 'Whi.te Chri.stmas'. I absolutely love love love this movie. I can't wait for this time of year just so I can watch it. I only watch it 1 time and it is always with my mom. We have made a tradition of it. Every year we have a sleep over, pajama party of sorts and watch this movie. We sing all the songs (and fast forward the one part we both hate). I could probably recite the whole movie. I have never been much of a musical girl or an old movie girl but this one is different. The dresses, the dancing, the singing were all so beautiful back then. If I have a little girl someday I hope to pass on this tradition and watch the movie with her. I enjoy this time with my mom staying up late and talking. The only thing that has put a little sadness in it is the first time I got pregnant it was right around this time that I found out and I remember going to my moms and thinking next year at this time I will have a baby with me. Next year will be different...and then it wasn't. So it is the reminder of my failure that lingers but it has not stolen my joy from this movie. I won't let it. So this weekend I will be getting in my pj's and popping in the old vcr tape (my mom has still not figured out her dvd player) and singing, laughing, and talking the way Christmas traditions should be. This weekend I will not let the Christmas that should of been get in the way of enjoying the Christmas that is. That is why this is one of my favorite things. Do you have a special Christmas tradition? What do you enjoy most about the season?

Monday, December 8, 2008

Did you know icicles could type?

This weekend was nice because guess what I did....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! I don't think I have been that lazy in a loooong time and it felt so good! Saturday it snowed her all day so I laid in bed all day and I actually went to sleep at 7:30. That is a shocker for me because I am a total night person. Seriously on the weekends I will stay up until 4:00am just because (not because I am partying). Week days I stay up until 1:00am and I get up at 6:30-7:00am. So it felt great to sleep and not feel guilty about it. I guess that would be one advantage to not having kids...I should enjoy it.

It is so cold here and we are not even into winter yet. January and February are the worst and I am not looking forward to them. I work for an auto company and apparently to conserve some cash they have decided heat is a perk and not a necessity. I am sitting at my desk with a sweater, a coat, and a blanket on and I am still freezing. I feel like a human icicle. The building I work in is made pretty much out of glass and I sit right by the windows so it is CCCCCOLD! They already said that their will be no lighting after 7:00pm until 7:00 am so all the people who work at those times I guess have to BYOF (bring your own flashlight). Does not make for a very reassuring, job security, work environment.

Anyway, I guess I should get back to work...lunch time is over. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Deep down in your soul

Last night I babysat for my nephews. I know I say it every time but they are so cute! They are always so good for us! They made me laugh and smile all night. They went to bed with no problems. The little one No.ah will not say his name. He will repeat anything you say and I mean anything but if you say No.ah he says "me". It is so funny. We try every way and he just won't do it. It cracks me up!

Anyway, Jo.ey fell asleep on the couch and one moment I was just staring at him, watching him sleep. Tears formed in my eyes because I thought to myself, will I ever know the pure and utter happiness that is having a child of my own? I mean I am sure I can be happy and enjoy life without one but not the deep down in your soul COMPLETE, nothing else matters happiness. The kind that makes you feel complete, like you have contributed something to this world. That when you leave it, you have left it better then when you came. I want a child so bad it hurts! I want a family! I know what the deep down in you soul sadness feels like and I want so desperately to feel the happiness. To think it may never happen makes me sad and angry!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Favorite things Friday

Hmmm what do I write about this week... It's junk food Christmas time so this week my favorite things will be 2 candies I ABSOLUTELY LOVE!!! Now I am a CHOCOHOLIC! And dark chocolate is the best! Hershey Kisses and Reisens are the bestest! (Funny thing is I do NOT like the dark chocolate Hershey kisses.) The sad thing is I can sit and eat a whole bag in a night. I am usually someone who like to savour it. I like knowing it is in the house so if I wanted to I could have it but not with these candies. But lately I can't get enough. Maybe being psychological for a moment I am trying to "feed the feelings" rather than feel bad. I'm sure I read that somewhere. LOL Oh well they taste great and for this month I am going to try and not worry about it. I have enough to worry about as it is. Although, it is not good for PCOSer trying to have baby but I have decided anything eaten in the month of December is calorie free! (Must I remind you...my blog, my dream). BTW reisen's have dark chocolate, and isn't that now considered a health food? I know, I know a whole bag is a little counter productive but I am just trying to make sure I get all the healthy antioxidants and stuff. I mean if a little is good then a lot must be much better. Anyway, I am testing the theory and I will let you know how I come out on that. I could go on and on but words would not do any good...you just have to eat them.


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

More stupid things people say

Why do people feel that I need "practice". I mean really that's what you think will help me and get me to do what you want? WTF? I have had people say this to me when referring to watching their or other peoples children "You should do it. It will be good practice for you." Maybe, and I am just thinking out loud here..."I DO NOT want practice!" I DO NOT NEED ANYMORE PRACTICE! I WANT the real thing! I have had enough "practice" and again thinking out loud here...It probably is not a good thing to say to someone who is trying to have a baby, someone who has had 4 failed pregnancies and now has tried to quit "practicing" for 101 months. I mean would you say to a parapalegic "hey, why don't you watch me walk. It will be good for you since you just sit around all day." NO YOU WOULD NOT! IT's hurtful! It's insensitive! Why do people not take infertility seriously? It is frustrating.