Christmas is always a marker of time for me. As I am sure it is with a lot of you. It's the time (along with my birthday) that I always torture myself and say "Next year I will have a baby or will be expecting a baby". It never happens, but I plan it out in my head...making the Grand Announcement at Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, buying cute ornaments that read "babies first Christmas". I never learn. The hope of a new year lingers in the air. It's just around the corner it was just the luck of the number...2009 will be better. This will be the year that all the stars align all my wishing on a star, throwing pennies in a wishing well, and making a wish as I blow out my birthday cake candles...this is the time it will come true. I start making deals I will do this if by this time next year everything is different, if I have a baby bump and not a fatty lump. If I have a baby that lives instead of another angel waiting for me in heaven. Sadly all the deal making hasn't resulted in anything except another year of dreams dashed and hearts broken.
So at Christmas time I wish I could close my eyes and click my ruby red slippers and go back to where the world is right to where wishes and dreams really do come true. But I go on, I've learned to as they say "Fake it til you make it". Some year (and I'm sure it will be next year)will be my year. It will be the year that makes all the previous years worth it. It will make all the pain, not go away because I don't think it will ever fully go away, but it will lessen. Everything I do and everything that go through is experienced differently because of the emptiness in my heart. It is so sad all that IF takes away.