Sunday, December 14, 2008

Marker of Time

Christmas is always a marker of time for me. As I am sure it is with a lot of you. It's the time (along with my birthday) that I always torture myself and say "Next year I will have a baby or will be expecting a baby". It never happens, but I plan it out in my head...making the Grand Announcement at Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, buying cute ornaments that read "babies first Christmas". I never learn. The hope of a new year lingers in the air. It's just around the corner it was just the luck of the number...2009 will be better. This will be the year that all the stars align all my wishing on a star, throwing pennies in a wishing well, and making a wish as I blow out my birthday cake candles...this is the time it will come true. I start making deals I will do this if by this time next year everything is different, if I have a baby bump and not a fatty lump. If I have a baby that lives instead of another angel waiting for me in heaven. Sadly all the deal making hasn't resulted in anything except another year of dreams dashed and hearts broken.

So at Christmas time I wish I could close my eyes and click my ruby red slippers and go back to where the world is right to where wishes and dreams really do come true. But I go on, I've learned to as they say "Fake it til you make it". Some year (and I'm sure it will be next year)will be my year. It will be the year that makes all the previous years worth it. It will make all the pain, not go away because I don't think it will ever fully go away, but it will lessen. Everything I do and everything that go through is experienced differently because of the emptiness in my heart. It is so sad all that IF takes away.

14 comments:

'Murgdan' said...

"if I have a baby bump and not a fatty lump" <--love it!

...I've found myself thinking the same things this Christmas...and remembering last Christmas when I was SOOOO sure I'd have a baby by now. I caught myself thinking...'but by next year'...and stopped short. Because nothing is promised.

I do have a fatty lump though.

Kalina said...

Michelle, this is exactly how I feel; i know what you mean by checking lucky numbers, blowing chandelles, etc - IF sucks.
I’m guilty myself having just bought a carved wooden "family" elephant with a carved baby elephant in the tummy of the large one from ebay, which allegedly should bring good luck and babies (i KNOW there is a slim chance of it increasing DH’s sperm count or my fertility) – this is just a self-persuasion, comforting thought.
Anyway I somehow feel that 2009 MUST be better.

April said...

i am willing to make deals with whomever...do whatever. it's a little crazy at this point.

i still think every time i buy that box of tampons that it is the last time.....

dammit

Kahla said...

Oh honey, I wish I could wave a magic wand and give you that baby bump. I do the same thing, only now I also say not only will it happen next year, but I add I would have been _______ weeks or a had a ________ year old had IVF #___ worked. Gosh, did that make any sense? Hang in there, I am rooting for you!

Shelby said...

I hate that IF has so much power to grab our dreams and run with them. Like you, this time serves as a marker for me as well, another year passed without my dreams being realized. I do hope your holidays next year will look very different.

CJ said...

This really is the hardest time of year for IF, for about two hundred reasons. I will keep you in my prayers that next year is a very different Christmas for you!

Monica LeMoine said...

((HUGS)) to you! I totally get the fatty lump. That's what I have.

Lori said...

Yeah, Christmas and birthdays can really make you long for what you don't have.

Isn't deal-making one of the stages of grief? That means you're progressing through them.

Wishing you a Christmas season full of love and hopes and fulfilled dreams, and on into 2009.

{{{Hugs}}}

Cara said...

Michelle - I have been thinking of you ever since you left that marker of time comment on one of my posts.

It is a countdown - but of the worst kind.

so sorry.

JamieD said...

Oh, Michelle. This post is so me. I was just thinking about how this is the first year I HAVEN'T thought to myself, "Next Christmas, we'll have a baby . . ."

I don't know what makes me more sad - that we don't have a baby or that I have grown so cynical.

Tastefully Tallahassee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
In Due Time said...

I had a post similar to this not too long ago. ((((((Hugs)))))) I hope this next year, you and I will BOTH have different reasons to be happy next holiday season! :-)

FYI, They are re-airing Dear Zachary in Jan, I'll post on my blog when I find out the date.

Mo and Will said...

Yes Yes Yes! Exactly! Posted about it in fact. http://lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com/2008/12/infertility-math.html
Thinking of you this holiday season. and hoping it's the last one without a baby for both of us.

Mo

Barb said...

I did a post about this last year too. So sad that there are so many years.