Sunday, August 31, 2008


So here I am 34 and babyless. Some may think that is how I had it planned. It definitely is not. I want to have at least 4 children. Although now that dream is seeming further and further away. I thought I would have all my children by now. 35 is approaching fast and in the fertility world that is like the year of death. Every book, magazine or article says fertility starts to decrease at age 35. Every year I say this is the year it is going to happen. This is the year I will have a baby. Every year passes and still an empty cradle. It is funny that so many women think waiting until they are extablished in their career to have a baby. Or wait until they are older. I just want to scream...DON'T WAIST THIS TIME.

I was talking to my boss the other day regarding this very subject. I have been very open with her regarding the subject, which has enabled a lot of leniency for me with doctors appointments and taking time off after a miscarriage. She has been very understanding and for that I am very thankful. Anyway, she was telling me not to worry people have babies well into there 40's and sometimes 50's. What people like this do not understand is that is not necessarily true. Don't get me wrong it happens however did they ever consider why that stuff is in the news so often. Because it is rare and therefore news worthy. Plus it costs money...lots of money. She said she was 38 and wanted to have a baby but was not conserned about being able to do so. I wanted to tell her she should be conserned or at least go get checked out. They can do tests to find your ovarian reserve and thus let you know roughly how many years you have left. The thoughts ran through my mind but I did not quite know how to break it to her. I mean if it was my friend or my sister I would say something...but my boss, I thought maybe the information would not be welcomed. So I kept my mouth shut.

However, it made me think about how while all the lastest advances in ferility medicine have been great and give millions the hope of having babies it also has given a false sense of security to many. Many, like my boss, feel they can wait but they shouldn't. I am glad I didn't. It would be horrible to be just starting the journey now and then find out it was not going to be easy. I already feel like I wasted all those years of preventing pregnancy when I did not have to, nature was doing that for me.

I talked to me RE about this when I told him I was going to take a break. He said I had a few years still before it would be a problem. He said I respond well to the medication and produce a lot of eggs. I guess that is a bright spot in my world. The one thing I do not have to worry about yet...but still the age 35 still sticks in my head and I am dreading when I finally get there which is right around the corner.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Bringing you current

Angel baby #4 was lost this past July. July 3rd to be exact. It seems so cruel because I did not even think I was pregnant.

After my last miscarriage in July of 2007 we started doing injenctions. I was very nervous about starting them. Putting a needle into your abdomin just does not sound like a good idea. But soon I was a pro and it did not even hurt. It seemed like every time I did the injections something crazy would go on. On the 2nd try of injections, I did my trigger shot and then we were suppose to BD at 24 and 36 hours after. Well at about 15 hours I had a horrible, I mean excrutiating pain in my back. I thought I was going to die! My husband rushed me to the hospital only to find out I had kidney stones! I do not wish that on my own worst enemy!

The doctor stated it was just as bad as going through labor. So, GREAT I get to experience the pain but not the joy. It was like God was playing some cruel joke on me. I was so upset however I was not going to let a little thing like kidney stones get in my way of making a baby! So through the pain we still tried but of course I was not successful. My RE stated that for sure the reason it did not work was because of the kidney stones. The stress and the pain probably prevented ovulation at the time it should have been. So we set out to try again sure that it would work the next time.

I asked if we could try IUI this time because my insurance company would pay for one try of IUI. The doctor said that it probably wouldn't give me that much more of chance then just doing shots but we could do it. I said even if it was only 1% that was still 1% more then the last time. SO at the end of May I had my IUI. I knew it would work.

Not even 9 days later evil AF came and I was devastated! I had 1 RX left of clomid so I decided that I would try clomid right away because I figured this would be my best chance of it working. So in June I took the clomid. After 3 days I started spotting. I was confused but figured it was probably a mixture of the fertility drugs I had been taking. So I let it go.

A couple days later I was watching a show about a women who had sextuplets and I heard a voice as plain as day tell me to take a pregnancy test. I debated because I just taken clomid so there is no way I would be preganant from that already and I had AF after the IUI. I thought my husband would think I was crazy. But I took one and to my surprise it said I was preganant. I instantly started shaking. I was not happy. How could this be? As stated above it seemed pretty impossible to be pregnant. Everyine told me to be happy! Don't be paranoid they said. Yeah right! So easy for those fertile people to say! It drives me nuts to be dismissed and treated like I am crazy.

Anyway, the next day I went into have my beta hcg drawn and the nurse called and told me the number was 11. Which is not good. It was most assuredly a miscarriage but they wanted me to go in for blood work 2 days later to make sure. So 2 days later the number was 13. They said it was a miscarriage but still get blood drawn the following Monday to make sure it went down to 0. The following Monday my # was 26. They told me to come in and get an ultrasound because they were concerned that was an ectopic pregnancy. I thought not again. I do not want to go through this again.

I went in for the ultrasound and unfortunately my regular RE was not in so I had to have his partner do it. Let me tell you I have no idea why anyone would want to use this doctor. He was an ass. He basically made me feel like it was my fault and I was inconviencing him. I hate him with everything. I had previous run ins with him and he just has NO CLUE on how to deal with women who are trying to conceive, I don't know why he is in this line of work. A couple years ago he told me I had a small uterus. When I asked if that was a problem he said probably but to talk to my doctor in a couple days and he will give me the details. So I was crazed for 2 days and then when I saw my doctor he said it was small because I had not had any children and everything from my HSG looked perfect! See what I am saying he is an ass.

Anyway, he told me it was an ectopic and I asked if he was sure because the numbers were so low they could not see anything. He said he was so this time they gave me a shot in the hip of methotrexate and thus ended my 4th pregnancy. This was the hardest one yet. Which is what ultimately led me to start this blog. I have to get all these thoughts and feellings out of my head and like I said I think everyone around me is probably sick of hearing it. I mean I have every right but also I am sick of hearing all the dumb responses... "oh, don't think about it and you'll get pregnant" - yeah right how about if I said don't breathe...could you do that? "Go away on a vacation that is how I got pregnant" - sure, you have 4 children, obviously pregnancy is not a problem for you. Plus who can afford a vacation, I am paying for infertility treatments. "At least you know you can get pregnant" - oh whew, I am relieved I can get pregnant -NOT. I would much rather not get pregnant then get preganant only to have it taken away. "Have you thought about adoption" - costs $$$$$ of which I do not have ANY! So that is why I am here.

So that is what has happened so far. Right now I am taking a break both for my mental stability...I can not handle any more disappointment or I may jump in front of a bus, and I need to save money for IVF. Don't ask me how I am going to do that because I have NO IDEA! This is why I am so frustrated. I hope you stay with me as I take this journey and if you have been through this I would love to hear from you. Thanks for reading, it really does help me.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Dates to remember

I am feeling like there is not a day in the year that I can forget. It seems after so many miscarriages there are so many days that bring back horrible memories. It's days like, when I found out I was pregnant, when I lost the baby, the due date. It feels like every month of the year there is a date to dread. A date for sadness. Then you spend the weeks leading up to that date thinking about it. Thinking if how much it is going to suck that another day has passed where you should have the beautiful bundle of joy in your arms. They should be saying their first word or taking their first steps by now. Yet here I am with empty arms and a broken heart. I don't know what to do with the sadness. I guess I have to just keep moving forward. Remember that when I get to heaven I will have 4 beautiful babies waiting for me. I just have to keep taking "baby" steps...

Sunday, August 24, 2008

This whole thing sucks!

I hate this whole process. It sucks!! It seems everyone in the world can get pregnant except me! I am having a very hard time understanding why I can not have a baby? I see what the "dirt bags" of the world do. They have baby after baby and treat them like shit. Abuse them, don't want them, or even kill them. Yet they have no problems. I would be a good mother! So why am I the one that has trouble? It seems there is no justice in this world!
After my ectopic pregnancy it took almost a year for my body to get back to normal and then I started clomid again and I got pregnant again. But again because of this process I can't even be happy when I find out. I instantly get scared. This one again ended in a miscarriage. Again I was devastated! But my docotor wanted to do testing so I was hopeful that they would find out something. It is really sad when you hope something is wrong with you, but at least if there is then you can know and then fix it. Fortunately or unfortunately (however you want to look at it) they did not find anything. They took 12 viles of blood from me and 5 from my husband and we both had a clean bill of health. Apparently my only problem is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome(PCOS).
Don't get me wrong that is a BIG problem to have but I figured the metformin would help that. A women with PCOS has around a 60-65% chance of miscarrying but with metformin it is suppose to reduce those chances to that of a healthy woman, around 8-12%. So again I ask why me?
Another sad fact is that with this miscarriage I did not do anything. I did not go to the hospital. I just went to the doctor to verify that I would not need a D&C. It's almost like you get used to the process. Not used to in the sense that it feels less bad but used to in the sense that you know what will happen if you go to the hospital (ultrasounds, blood work, waiting for hours) just to confirm what you already know for certain.
I always wonder if the next time if it will feel less sad because I expect it...It doesn't! It feels worse everytime! Every time the little hope you have is stripped away. Each time your heart breaks in a way you never thought it could. Each time you get sad, angry, helpless, and hopeless. At this point no one knows what to say...even more so then before. Then when they do say something it is the stupidest or most hurtful thing. To me anyway. I am sure everyone just feels they are being supportive and trying to help but they can't! I wish someone could or I wish I could know the reason why but I can't. I don't blame them for not knowing. It just hurts so much and it feels so lonely! Everyone else can go about their lives and only have to feel bad for the few minutes that they talk to me. I have to live this! I have to wonder what is the point of my life? Will my husband want to find someone who can give him a baby?
Like I said...I hate this process...THE WHOLE THING SUCKS!!!!!

Friday, August 15, 2008

I thought that wa the worst time of my I would never be able to get over it, but like they say "time heals all wounds". I waited for my body and my soul to heal and a year later much to my surprise we were pregnant again. I was on metformin but was not using any other fertility meds so I was excited. Wow! I can get pregnant on my own. This time was wierd though.

I had what I thought was a period so I did not think I was pregnant, but the period did not really come to an end. It was very light to begin with and then it just turned in to spotting for like 3 weeks. One morning I was laying in bed and I could hear God as plain as if he was sitting right next to me say " Take a pregnancy test! There are things you need to do." I thought it was things like stop taking medications, or get to the doctor. I took the pregnancy test and it was a BFP! Instantly I was scared because I was spotting. I did not want to go through this again. Everyone said I was being paranoid and that I was doing more damage by worrying. I hate that...when people just dismiss you. Like you are suppose to just forget the horrible broken heart you suffered. And it is always from people who have not even one clue as to what it feels like to lose a baby. Not that I expect them to know but then they should not be giving advice. I know they were trying to make me feel better but what most people do not understand is that it does just the opposite, because now not only are you worried about another miscarriage but you are worried about causing it!

Anyway, I called the doctor and they said not to worry that a lot of women spot when they are pregnant (I have yet to meet one!). So I tried not to. A few days later I started bleeding BAD!!!! I rushed to the doctors office and they told me that I was having a miscarriage. I was devastated! They told me to come back in a couple days so they could make sure I did not have to have a D&C. I wen home and cried and cried and screamed!!! I could not understand why God would allow this to happen again!!!

I went back to the doctor a couple days later and they found a heartbeat. I was so confused. They said maybe I wasn't having a miscariiage or maybe I was pregnant with twins and I was miscarrying one. They wanted to monitor me so they told me to come back in a few days.

What a roller coaster! I went back in a few days and they wanted to send me to a RE because they had better ultrasound machines. They did not know what was going on. I went right away to the RE and he told me that I had a rare cervical ectopic pregnancy (try finding much info on this). He showed me where the baby had implanted in my cervix. I was 8 weeks and 6 days along but unfortunately I would not be able to carry the baby to term. He said that the baby was great but within a matter of days if they did not do something I would either bleed to death or I would lose all my reproductive organs. So they scheduled me for a surgical procedure where they went in and shot directly in to my baby a drug called methotrexate. This is a chemotherapy drug that will help your body rid itself of the baby. I left the doctors screaming "they are going to take my baby!".

After the procedure at the hospital they told me while I was under that I was fighting them and they had to keep giving me more anesthesia. I remember dreaming about people trying to take my baby during the procedure...and that is what they were doing! I know it was for my own good but at the time it did not really feel like it.

It took a while to recover...those were some of my darker days.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

How my journey began...

This is my blog. I am new to this so bear with me if I don't have the frills just yet...I'll get there...eventually. I thought that writing about this road I am on called infertility may help me. I have a lot of feelings and frustrations that I just need to get out and my poor husband must get sick of hearing it all! So, I thought maybe the rest of the world may or may not want to hear it. Maybe not the world but anyone who may be interested.

I have been wanting to start a blog for some time but believe it or not I just got internet at my house. I know what your thinking it's 2008 but they don't have DSL in my area and cable was so expensive. With all the money I shell out for fertility treatments I haven't really had the spare cash to pay for internet. Not that I do now but sometimes you just need to do something for yourself so this is what I am doing.

My journey started 8 years ago...well probably more but will start with when my husband, Doug, and I got married. Since then it has been an up and down roller coaster that I never signed up for. It is so frustrating to see everyone around you be able to get pregnant without a second thought. Don't even get me started on the ones that did not want to be pregnant in the first place!

I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovariian Syndrome) about 4 years ago, even though I knew i had it many years before that. Doctors kept telling me I did not have it until I went to my first RE. I knew being diagnosed with PCOS was not going to be a picnic but I did not imagine what has happened in my life since. I thought getting to an RE would get me on the right track and honestly that I would get pregnant right away. After trying Clomid, to my surprise I did! It was so exciting! I remember because my younger sister, by 5 years, just found out she was pregnant and we thought it would be great to go through this together. However, God had other plans and my joy was short lived. I miscarried at 6 weeks 3 days on my husbands birthday. Happy Birthday, Honey! I was devastated but everyone reassured me that this was common. "Many women have miscarriages, you don't want to have a baby with something severely wrong with it", they said. I went along with it but always thinking I could never be one of those women who had multiple miscarriages... And then I was.