Saturday, August 30, 2008

Bringing you current

Angel baby #4 was lost this past July. July 3rd to be exact. It seems so cruel because I did not even think I was pregnant.

After my last miscarriage in July of 2007 we started doing injenctions. I was very nervous about starting them. Putting a needle into your abdomin just does not sound like a good idea. But soon I was a pro and it did not even hurt. It seemed like every time I did the injections something crazy would go on. On the 2nd try of injections, I did my trigger shot and then we were suppose to BD at 24 and 36 hours after. Well at about 15 hours I had a horrible, I mean excrutiating pain in my back. I thought I was going to die! My husband rushed me to the hospital only to find out I had kidney stones! I do not wish that on my own worst enemy!

The doctor stated it was just as bad as going through labor. So, GREAT I get to experience the pain but not the joy. It was like God was playing some cruel joke on me. I was so upset however I was not going to let a little thing like kidney stones get in my way of making a baby! So through the pain we still tried but of course I was not successful. My RE stated that for sure the reason it did not work was because of the kidney stones. The stress and the pain probably prevented ovulation at the time it should have been. So we set out to try again sure that it would work the next time.

I asked if we could try IUI this time because my insurance company would pay for one try of IUI. The doctor said that it probably wouldn't give me that much more of chance then just doing shots but we could do it. I said even if it was only 1% that was still 1% more then the last time. SO at the end of May I had my IUI. I knew it would work.

Not even 9 days later evil AF came and I was devastated! I had 1 RX left of clomid so I decided that I would try clomid right away because I figured this would be my best chance of it working. So in June I took the clomid. After 3 days I started spotting. I was confused but figured it was probably a mixture of the fertility drugs I had been taking. So I let it go.

A couple days later I was watching a show about a women who had sextuplets and I heard a voice as plain as day tell me to take a pregnancy test. I debated because I just taken clomid so there is no way I would be preganant from that already and I had AF after the IUI. I thought my husband would think I was crazy. But I took one and to my surprise it said I was preganant. I instantly started shaking. I was not happy. How could this be? As stated above it seemed pretty impossible to be pregnant. Everyine told me to be happy! Don't be paranoid they said. Yeah right! So easy for those fertile people to say! It drives me nuts to be dismissed and treated like I am crazy.

Anyway, the next day I went into have my beta hcg drawn and the nurse called and told me the number was 11. Which is not good. It was most assuredly a miscarriage but they wanted me to go in for blood work 2 days later to make sure. So 2 days later the number was 13. They said it was a miscarriage but still get blood drawn the following Monday to make sure it went down to 0. The following Monday my # was 26. They told me to come in and get an ultrasound because they were concerned that was an ectopic pregnancy. I thought not again. I do not want to go through this again.

I went in for the ultrasound and unfortunately my regular RE was not in so I had to have his partner do it. Let me tell you I have no idea why anyone would want to use this doctor. He was an ass. He basically made me feel like it was my fault and I was inconviencing him. I hate him with everything. I had previous run ins with him and he just has NO CLUE on how to deal with women who are trying to conceive, I don't know why he is in this line of work. A couple years ago he told me I had a small uterus. When I asked if that was a problem he said probably but to talk to my doctor in a couple days and he will give me the details. So I was crazed for 2 days and then when I saw my doctor he said it was small because I had not had any children and everything from my HSG looked perfect! See what I am saying he is an ass.

Anyway, he told me it was an ectopic and I asked if he was sure because the numbers were so low they could not see anything. He said he was so this time they gave me a shot in the hip of methotrexate and thus ended my 4th pregnancy. This was the hardest one yet. Which is what ultimately led me to start this blog. I have to get all these thoughts and feellings out of my head and like I said I think everyone around me is probably sick of hearing it. I mean I have every right but also I am sick of hearing all the dumb responses... "oh, don't think about it and you'll get pregnant" - yeah right how about if I said don't breathe...could you do that? "Go away on a vacation that is how I got pregnant" - sure, you have 4 children, obviously pregnancy is not a problem for you. Plus who can afford a vacation, I am paying for infertility treatments. "At least you know you can get pregnant" - oh whew, I am relieved I can get pregnant -NOT. I would much rather not get pregnant then get preganant only to have it taken away. "Have you thought about adoption" - costs $$$$$ of which I do not have ANY! So that is why I am here.

So that is what has happened so far. Right now I am taking a break both for my mental stability...I can not handle any more disappointment or I may jump in front of a bus, and I need to save money for IVF. Don't ask me how I am going to do that because I have NO IDEA! This is why I am so frustrated. I hope you stay with me as I take this journey and if you have been through this I would love to hear from you. Thanks for reading, it really does help me.

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