Friday, August 15, 2008

I thought that wa the worst time of my I would never be able to get over it, but like they say "time heals all wounds". I waited for my body and my soul to heal and a year later much to my surprise we were pregnant again. I was on metformin but was not using any other fertility meds so I was excited. Wow! I can get pregnant on my own. This time was wierd though.

I had what I thought was a period so I did not think I was pregnant, but the period did not really come to an end. It was very light to begin with and then it just turned in to spotting for like 3 weeks. One morning I was laying in bed and I could hear God as plain as if he was sitting right next to me say " Take a pregnancy test! There are things you need to do." I thought it was things like stop taking medications, or get to the doctor. I took the pregnancy test and it was a BFP! Instantly I was scared because I was spotting. I did not want to go through this again. Everyone said I was being paranoid and that I was doing more damage by worrying. I hate that...when people just dismiss you. Like you are suppose to just forget the horrible broken heart you suffered. And it is always from people who have not even one clue as to what it feels like to lose a baby. Not that I expect them to know but then they should not be giving advice. I know they were trying to make me feel better but what most people do not understand is that it does just the opposite, because now not only are you worried about another miscarriage but you are worried about causing it!

Anyway, I called the doctor and they said not to worry that a lot of women spot when they are pregnant (I have yet to meet one!). So I tried not to. A few days later I started bleeding BAD!!!! I rushed to the doctors office and they told me that I was having a miscarriage. I was devastated! They told me to come back in a couple days so they could make sure I did not have to have a D&C. I wen home and cried and cried and screamed!!! I could not understand why God would allow this to happen again!!!

I went back to the doctor a couple days later and they found a heartbeat. I was so confused. They said maybe I wasn't having a miscariiage or maybe I was pregnant with twins and I was miscarrying one. They wanted to monitor me so they told me to come back in a few days.

What a roller coaster! I went back in a few days and they wanted to send me to a RE because they had better ultrasound machines. They did not know what was going on. I went right away to the RE and he told me that I had a rare cervical ectopic pregnancy (try finding much info on this). He showed me where the baby had implanted in my cervix. I was 8 weeks and 6 days along but unfortunately I would not be able to carry the baby to term. He said that the baby was great but within a matter of days if they did not do something I would either bleed to death or I would lose all my reproductive organs. So they scheduled me for a surgical procedure where they went in and shot directly in to my baby a drug called methotrexate. This is a chemotherapy drug that will help your body rid itself of the baby. I left the doctors screaming "they are going to take my baby!".

After the procedure at the hospital they told me while I was under that I was fighting them and they had to keep giving me more anesthesia. I remember dreaming about people trying to take my baby during the procedure...and that is what they were doing! I know it was for my own good but at the time it did not really feel like it.

It took a while to recover...those were some of my darker days.

1 comment:

Zil said...

Hi - I just discovered your blog. Basically, this post hits home. Been there.

I had a cornual pregnancy. Published rates are 1-4 in 400,000. I should have played the freaking lottery with those odds.

I too had a lot of bleeding - which was the tip off that something was not quite as it should be.

Same scenario - the baby was doing great, but it was potentially bad news for my health. I was 11 wks 2 dys, so they had to go with a laparotomy (too late for methotrexate).

I'm so sorry for your losses.