Sunday, August 24, 2008

This whole thing sucks!

I hate this whole process. It sucks!! It seems everyone in the world can get pregnant except me! I am having a very hard time understanding why I can not have a baby? I see what the "dirt bags" of the world do. They have baby after baby and treat them like shit. Abuse them, don't want them, or even kill them. Yet they have no problems. I would be a good mother! So why am I the one that has trouble? It seems there is no justice in this world!
After my ectopic pregnancy it took almost a year for my body to get back to normal and then I started clomid again and I got pregnant again. But again because of this process I can't even be happy when I find out. I instantly get scared. This one again ended in a miscarriage. Again I was devastated! But my docotor wanted to do testing so I was hopeful that they would find out something. It is really sad when you hope something is wrong with you, but at least if there is then you can know and then fix it. Fortunately or unfortunately (however you want to look at it) they did not find anything. They took 12 viles of blood from me and 5 from my husband and we both had a clean bill of health. Apparently my only problem is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome(PCOS).
Don't get me wrong that is a BIG problem to have but I figured the metformin would help that. A women with PCOS has around a 60-65% chance of miscarrying but with metformin it is suppose to reduce those chances to that of a healthy woman, around 8-12%. So again I ask why me?
Another sad fact is that with this miscarriage I did not do anything. I did not go to the hospital. I just went to the doctor to verify that I would not need a D&C. It's almost like you get used to the process. Not used to in the sense that it feels less bad but used to in the sense that you know what will happen if you go to the hospital (ultrasounds, blood work, waiting for hours) just to confirm what you already know for certain.
I always wonder if the next time if it will feel less sad because I expect it...It doesn't! It feels worse everytime! Every time the little hope you have is stripped away. Each time your heart breaks in a way you never thought it could. Each time you get sad, angry, helpless, and hopeless. At this point no one knows what to say...even more so then before. Then when they do say something it is the stupidest or most hurtful thing. To me anyway. I am sure everyone just feels they are being supportive and trying to help but they can't! I wish someone could or I wish I could know the reason why but I can't. I don't blame them for not knowing. It just hurts so much and it feels so lonely! Everyone else can go about their lives and only have to feel bad for the few minutes that they talk to me. I have to live this! I have to wonder what is the point of my life? Will my husband want to find someone who can give him a baby?
Like I said...I hate this process...THE WHOLE THING SUCKS!!!!!

No comments: