Thursday, May 28, 2009

My computer sucks!

Sorry, I have been a bad blogger lately but my computer is running annoyingly slow. Just typing this is taking forever because it keeps locking up and then it will just shut down on its own. I am trying to figure it out and get it running better. I hope I can fix it soon because not having a computer is driving me crazy!!! I miss reading about what is going on. I hope everyone had a nice memorial weekend and when I can read more soon there will be lots of good news. :) I will hopefully talk to you all soon.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Happy Memorial Weekend!

Well, I hope everyone is having a great memorial day weekend! I am and that is mainly because I am off work for 3 days. I am not and haven't done anything special. My DH had to work yesterday and he has to work tomorrow so we are just hanging out, having some lazy days. Although I am trying to get the energy to do some spring cleaning. Lord knows my house could use it!

Friday night was nice. I had a reunion with a bunch of girls that I used to work with about 13 years ago. It is where I met my closest friend. It was very nice to get together with them. To tell you the truth I was a little worried before I went. I was worried that everyone would be married with lots of kids and the conversation would all be centered around their kids and the question would inevitably come up "do you have any kids?"..."no. why not?". Thankfully the question was never asked. I don't know, maybe my friend warned them to not say anything, but I am just glad it never did.

Also, the only ones that had kids were my friend A and a girl that already had them when I worked there. It was nice to be with about 4 other people who were my age but did not have any kids. We had a very good time and most of them had not changed much. I actually left feeling very thankful for the life I have. One girl is 32 (I think) and getting ready to be married for the 3rd time. The stories she had were crazy. The bummer was, that I drove so I was the designated driver and could not drink. A was pretty toasted when we left. She deserved it though. She has 3 kids and does not get the chance to do so very much. The way home was a love fest. It was pretty funny.

Yesterday I went to MIL house and played W.ii for a while. We had a good time. My brave sis took my nephews (2 and 4) camping. It sounds like they have been having fun except for her DH maybe breaking his foot. They do not have very good luck with their lower appendages. Anyway, I hope he is ok.

So that has been the extent of my weekend so far. I hope all is well with all of you.

PS...about my previous post and my 600 car payment...unfortunately it is not for some fancy car. It is for a Fu.sion. That is what happens when you have one car you share with DH and you lease and you go over the miles and then every time you get a new car you roll over the extra amount you owe. Sooner or later it catches up with you. That is why I must get out. It is pretty disgusting isn't it?

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Dear 18 year old me

I have seen this a few times on other blogs and have thought about it for a while. People writing a letter to their younger selves. What would I say? Well I think it is a good idea and apparently I have a lot to say...

Dear 18 year old me,

Wow you just turned 18. Savor this next year. So much is going to happen. First off tonight your grandmother is going to come over and yet again try to get you to make up with your father. Remember this is her son what else is she going to do, but also be prepared later she can do much worse. You will find out though that your mother is going to be quick to defend you, she wants you to have a happy night. Go mom! Enjoy your party tonight at the hotel but please do not waste it wishing you were with C. It is not worth it. You will love each other but not the love that will sustain a marriage, one that will always sustain a friendship and he will be there to get you through some of the worst times in your life. One day believe it or not he will be in your wedding. Your husband and he will be great friends.

Soon you are going to graduate high school. Cherish this time because most of these people will not be in your life later. They were great for this time in your life but your true friends will come later. You will miss a few, even now as I write this at 35 there are a couple I still wish were in my life and it is going to be hard to accept when people go their separate ways but you will also come to understand that it is what people do. Like I said your real life long friends will come later and they will be ones that will see you through everything. They will lift you when you are down, they will make you laugh and smile even when you think it is not possible.

You are going to enter college and the man you thought you would marry will break your heart but guess will see him later and realize it was the best thing that could have happened to you. I know you do not believe me now because he is one gorgeous man and he says all the right things but trust me it will be for the best!

Have fun for these first few months in college because on your 19th birthday your world is going to come crashing down on you. This is the one thing that I wish I could have you warn some people about so that it would not happen, but sadly I can not. You will not think that your family will survive...but you all WILL. You will all come out stronger people. Really...if you could see everything now you would be amazed how it all turns out. Luckily the day your world crashes your friends from High school will be on there way to celebrate your birthday and they will keep you from falling apart you will get really drunk and then they will take you home to see your family, even getting a speeding ticket in the process...sorry B but thanks.

The one thing I really need you to remember and it is very very important. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!! IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! The unfortunate thing is you will spend the next 10 years blaming yourself every day. Wishing there was something you could have done. What if you would have paid attention or noticed this or that but There is NOTHING you could of done. It breaks my heart to know you will go through that because I know that once you realize it wasn't your fault it is going to change your relationship for the better with your sis and you will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I only wish it would of happened sooner.

There will be a couple casualties (not literally). After have given your "father" a second chance he will yet again let you down in a big way and more importantly let your sister down in an even bigger way and even today you never have spoken or even seen him. It is sad that he won't be at your wedding but really you won't miss it at all! You do come to understand why he is the way is but you also know that you can not have that poison in your life because it just causes more heartache then necessary. Also due to their craziness, some REALLY BAD things they do and unyielding support of him you will never see or speak to you Aunt or grandmother again either. Really it is not a problem.

You will only have one short year away at college but it will be a lot of fun. Maybe try a little harder to remember dome actual classes and what you learned because just the other day your DH asks you what you remember from college and all you can recall is the endless guys and parties and getting drunk. PS don't do 20 shots of teq.uilla in an hour before you go the bar on a cold January night. it is a BAD idea and your elevators in your dorm are broken and it is a long 8 flights up.

When you get home you will get a job and on the day you start a guy will start on the same day. He will be the love of your life. I know when you meet him at first you will the think your 35 year old self must be writing a letter from the crazy house because he is really not your type but trust me on this one...He is the greatest man you will ever know! He will stick by you during some really bad times, when even you do not deserve such love and devotion. He will be your rock and your salvation. You can be yourself with him and he will still love you ( I know I must be crazy right?). Through him you will find out what love truely is and you will cherish him and love him with all your heart.

I would tell you to avoid some things that you did but really I don't know what you would have become if you had not gone through them. They made you who you, I, am today. You will think you are not going to come out of that either but trust me you will. Your DH, boyfriend at the time, will stick by you and you will become a much better person. It will be a long hard road back but you will get there.

When you are 26 you will finally get married. Do not fret to much that your sister gets married the year before you because in the end it really does not matter. Don't sweat the small stuff. Believe me you have much bigger things to sweat.

You will think that you have been through some hard times and now all roads must lead up but unfortunately this is not true because you are in for some much bigger heartache then you ever thought possible and considering all you have been through I know that is hard to believe.

You will start trying to have a baby immediately when you get married. After all you have already been together for 7 yrs why wait. Shhh don't tell anyone but actually after a "pregnancy scare" you will try before you get married. Boy if you knew what I know now it wouldn't have been much of a scare.

The key here is DON"T WAIT to find out why you can't get pregnant. Unfortunately you will for a bit longer then you should. It is all based in fear because you really don't want to know the truth. The truth is you will be diagnosed with PCOS. It is not fun at all but I won't bore you with all the details, you will find out soon enough.

You will find out that your sis gets pregnant before you and that will be crushing because you have been trying for so long and she is younger. But luckily you and her, after many years of not getting along, will be mending your relationship. Although you will be sad for yourself you will TRULY be happy for her and excited for baby Jos.ef to arrive! You become pregnant right after she does and you are so happy to be able to share pregnancy with her but the excitement will be short lived because you will lose that baby within 5-6 weeks. It will happen right on DH birthday and it will be devastating!

You heart will be broken but you WILL SURVIVE!!!! I will again not bore you with the details or scare you away but for the next 3 consecutive years you will lose one baby each time and each time you will think it is not possible for your heart to mend. You will think that it is too hard to go on and you will surely die from all the pain (but I don't mean you will think to kill yourself). What I really want you to know is that it is not true. You will go on. Some days will be harder then others but you WILL make it! And after your 4th loss you will find a community that finally understands what you feel like. You will find lots of friend that you have never met IRL that will offer unconditional love and support and know what it is like to be you. They have been through it too and some have been through much worse and will truly amaze you. My only wish is that you could find them sooner because they have changed my life.

Anyway, I wrote this letter not to scare you and not to try to change things but to let you know that you will go through some rough times but I really NEED you to know that you will come out a stronger person. Sometimes it will feel very unfair but always remember that through it all you still are a VERY blessed person! You will also experience some wonderfully HAPPY times but I do not want to spoil the surprise. You have an AMAZING husband! You have friends that many people wish they could have! You have a good job (although sometimes you hate it and times are tough in the industry right now). You have 2 dogs, 1 cat, and 2 birds (no it is not a zoo)who love you unconditionally and will make you smile everyday! You find a house that you really like and you will be amazed at how it happens. You have a wonderful family (although you may question your mothers sanity at times) and your best friend ends up being...I know you will never believe this...your sister (YES mom was right all along when you were younger) crazy huh! You have 2 nephews by the time you are 35 and they are just the light and joy of your heart. They too love you so very much and you are so happy to be their Aunt and have them in your life.

You will miss your angels so very much and you WILL think of them every day and wish they could be here. On the days that you are really down just remember you are are blessed...YOU ARE BLESSED!

So my naive 18 year old self who thinks everything will always work out and always be good. I just want you to know things may not always be good and they may not always work out they way you want but you will make it, have faith and I will be here to welcome you to 35. You are going to hate turning 35 but it is just a number. When you get here we will take a step towards the future and I am sure together we can figure out how to get that baby we want so bad.

I love you,
35 yr old you

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Taking the leap

Well I think it is time. It is time for me to get back in the game. I have been out long enough. I have taken my break. I think mentally I am ready. But also I am scared. It has been nice to not worry every month what is going to happen. To not make a million doctors appointments, to get frustrated when it doesn't work, or worse yet it does work and then it goes south.

It probably is going to take a month or so to get into the doctor but I think I am going to do it. I am going to make that simple phone call that I have been delaying for a looong time. I mean I did have a good excuse for a while with my back being all messed up, but now I have to jump back in with both feet. Really it isn't going to be for much because I am going to try one more round of injections. We are going to add progesterone and see if that makes a difference. Hopefully it makes a difference because otherwise I am going to be in for another looong wait because I am going to have to save for IVF. But hopefully I will be getting out of a car lease soon. My plan is to buy a car for cash that I can afford. Which by the way... won't be much. Then I can save this ridiculous 600.00 car payment ( I know, right?) I have and hopefully soon have enough for IVF. That is the plan anyway.

Actually, the real plan is that the injections with progesterone will work and I won't have to worry about IVF. I think I have been putting it off because I am really scared the injections won't work. I need them to work! But first I am going to meet with Dr. Positive and probably do a laparoscopy. I want to do that to check everything out before waisting anymore time, energy and money. Also my OB said I should get one due to unexplained pain and tenderness. Then once that is done we will do the injections and then IVF.

But I have to make the call. I have to pick up the phone, dial the oh so familiar numbers, deal with the crazy nurse who I do NOT like, I have to make an appointment, I have to take time off work, and I have to go in and get this game started. I think I am ready, I think I am prepared for all it is going to take but even typing this makes my heart beat fast. I have to do it. Time is passing me by. I am not getting any younger. I think I am ready...ready for the anxiety, ready for the time, ready for the worry, ready for the hope, and most importantly and hopefully, ultimately ready for the joy.

Wish me luck because I am going to jump. I am hoping it is a soft landing.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Show and Tell

I am posting my show and tell early this week because I am just so excited about it! I received it today and I just could not wait.

Well remember last week on my Favorite things Friday I posted here about Cara and her first annual Walk to Remember! I was so excited about and about all Cara does! Please visit her here and show her love and support.

Well being the Oh so thoughtful person she is, she wanted to make sure to include the online community in her walk that could not be there on that day. She had a contest to give away one of the beautiful memory boxes her husband makes to the person wo could guess how many times she would shed a tear. And guess what? I got it! Right on the nose...4 times! Thanks Cara I knew you would come through for me. Really I never thought I would win because I really don't win things.

Anyway she was quick and today I received my memory box and also a surprise that included the T-shirt she had made up for the walk. When the mailman rang my doorbell my heart skipped a beat. I could not wait to open it. When I opened it I was flooded with emotion and started crying my eyes out. I was just so happy to finally have a place to keep all the cards and things I had to remember my four beautiful angels. They use to be tucked away neatly in a memory trunk that I have filled with everything I have collected through my 35 years of life. But these things deserve a proper place. A place of honor and a place that can be displayed in my home so my angels will never be forgotten. Not that I ever would forget but now all who enter my home will remember too!

Thank you so much Cara you have given me something I will CHERISH forever!!!

So without further adieu I bring you pictures of my new treasure...(please excuse the pictures they were done with a camera phone because my DH who has no tech saviness broke my camera)

The box...


the box with its new contents...


the box in its new place that can be seen when you walk in my door...


the front of the T-shirt. It reads (in case you can't tell):
Share Southern Vermont
Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Loss Support, Inc
First annual Memorial Walk
May 9th, 2009

The back:


I will wear it with pride!

Check out what everyone else is showing at the head of the class at Mel's place.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Favorite Things Friday

Red Wings Pictures, Images and Photos

My favorite thing for this week or more specifically Red W1ngs hockey! I absolutely love this time of year! It is playoff time and since the Red W1ngs are always in contention it makes for a great time.

I did not start off liking hockey. As a kid I was more like the boy my dad (I use this term loosely) never had. He had me playing softball at like age 6 and not T-ball no way was a child of his going to play a "wimpy" game like that (his words). I was bowling at age 5. And on the weekends we spent them watching football or more accurately M1ch1gan football because lets face it the L1ons are not something you really want to watch regularly unless you enjoy being ill on a weekly basis. I learned quickly that the best way to get my dads approval was to excel at sports and to show interest in games. He taught me everything about baseball, bowling and football. Watching the games were some of my best times with my dad. Playing them not so much.

So I grew up with a love for the games. I love football. Not so much baseball anymore because I find it very boring. Anyway the one thing my dad did not like was hockey. Which is surprising. Maybe it is because the Red Wings were so bad for so long. Anyway, I find hockey to be one of the most exciting sports there is. But I got my love for hockey from my DH. Lucky for me when we started dating is right when the Red W1ngs started getting good. My husband loves every sport. He can watch anything and everything! He is a little obsessive about it. Seriously he could walk into any one of your houses even if it was the first time he met you and grab the remote and start looking for some game on TV. That part drives me nuts. So because he loved it so much I started watching and he taught me everything about it. Sometime I tease him now because I cam tell him things he doesn't know. I even listen to sport talk radio. In fact I would rather listen to that than to music sometimes...I know weird right?

We even had an awesome day you can read about here in an edition of "look what I did without a kid".

Last year the Red Wings won again so this year we are defending the cup and hoping they do it again. Them winning never gets boring.

So tonight is their night either they go on to the 3rd round of the playoffs or it is over. They are playing Anahe1m and the series is tied 3-3. I think if the Red W1ngs come out and play "their" game then no one can beat them. I know there are many people out there who might have a different opinion but those people would be wrong that is ok because they are my home team and that is how I feel about them. I am excited and nervous at the same time! And that is what makes this time of the year so great. However, if things don't go our way tonight I may be singing a different tune tomorrow. :) I will still LOVE my Red W1ngs but I may just hate this time of the year. LOL

Go w!ngs! Bring home Stan.ley once again!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Not a bad Mot.hers day

Had a pretty uneventful weekend. Yesterday was ok. We went to my sis's for brunch which was nice. I am liking this brunch thing because then we have time to see both my mom and MIL, not to mention the food is great. we had baked French toast. Have you ever had it? OMG it is AWESOME!!!! Anyway so we went there for a while and then we went to MIL. Surprisingly enough I had a good time at MIL house. The last few time I went over there has been nice. I think it is because it has just been DH and I. His family all together sometimes can be a lot to take.

Anyway we went there and then his step dad took us all out to dinner at this bar they like to go to. They had a nice buffet and it was good!! We stayed and watch the hockey game and the Red Wings won so it was a lot of fun!

MIL is driving down to Ok1ahoma to watch my niece graduate. Apparently she is going to come up here to go to college and live with MIL. I feel so bad for my niece. Her parents are both nuts. She definitely got the short end of the stick. I was sure she was going to be on drugs, pregnant, or run away by the time she was 16. Instead she turned out to be a well adjusted young lady with a good head on her shoulders. I am very proud of her! I can not believe she is graduating. I remember when she was 2. It seems like just yesterday. How fast they grow up. It is a shame that some people just do not appreciate that.

So I just want to send a Congratulations to A! I am very proud of you and I can't wait to spend time with you when you come home.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Favorite things friday

I have been a blogger this week but I really haven't had much to say. Except for what has already been said for how I feel about this week. Today was a bad day at work and I am so glad it is over with and the weekend is here. Now if I can get through the weekend I should be home least til X-mas.

I haven't done favorite things friday in a while but I thought I would bring it back this Friday because I just really need to rave about my favorite thing or shall I say one of my favorite people...Cara over at Building Heavenly Bridges, The Bear and the Comedian , Share Southern Vermont, and last but not least Wall of Angels .I have had the honor of reading her since the beginning and I think of her as a friend even though we haven't met yet (I know we will someday). I want to send her all my love and support because Tomorrow is her Walk to Remember. I am so EXCITED about it! What she has done is just awe inspiring. She amazes me with all the terrific ideas she comes up with and her unending support for all of us. One thing I know for sure is her little girl Emma, though she can not be here on earth with us she is looking down on her mom and is so happy. Emma will never be forgotten! Neither should any of your angels and Cara is making sure they won't. So if you haven't already head on over to one of her many blogs and offer your support, cheer her on as she does us all the time.

Cara, even though I can't be there in person I will be there is spirit. Maybe next year I can come in person. Your thoughtfulness and all you do for the ALI community brings tears to my eyes and warmth in my heart! You go girl! (get some rest tonight)

Everybody have a great weekend!

Monday, May 4, 2009

The week from hell

Welcome to the first week in May or as I like to call it "the week of hell". I am sure most of you know what I am talking about. You know if you are leads up to "the day". The day that if you do not have children you do not exist.

Let me preface this post by saying... Mothers are WONDERFUL! They have the hardest job in the world and they deserve a day honoring them. They deserve a day off. I hesitated publishing this post because I don't want to sound like a bitter old angry person. I don't want to sound like "poor me". I try not to live my life like that. I am usually pretty good with other people's kids and baby stuff. I don't want to live hiding out from the world so I try really hard to be ok. After all it's not other people's fault that I lost my babies, that I am not a mother but sometimes it is harder then others and I just wanted to get this out of my head and hopefully feel better.

I love my mother with all my heart and I will spend the day with her but...

This week is harder then others. I really do hate this week because everyone is "what are you doing for moth.ers day? what did you get your mom? Oh and the best one for those who do not know me... what are your kids going to do for you for day?"...Well gee I don't know since they couldn't be with me and all cause, you know they aren't actually here...they are just in my heart. Nobody really understands that (unless you have been through it). The only time I feel I do exist is when everyone wants to point out how special it is for the moth.ers. How they deserve the day off. My mom loves to point out that it is mothers day and I should do whatever she wants...which again she is my mother and that is all well and good. She deserves it and I love her but I am just saying that all it does is reinforce the fact that I do not have any children. No one is here to honor me.

All week leading up to "the day" I can't go to a store or turn on the TV without being bombarded by moth.ers day ads and it is tough. I know on a normal day I am bombarded with babies but on moth.ers day I really feel left out of the party and I want so much to be a part of it. I am sick of feeling left out. I want to have a family and know what it feels like to be called mom. I wish I could spend the day with my 4 angels. To me moth.ers day is like another edd that I missed out on. Another day to remember what I lost...another day to hope next year will be different. It is like the week of Christmas where in my head I am saying..."next year I will have a baby by this time or announce a pregnancy as a moth.ers day gift to everyone." Then the next year goes by and it is the same ole song and dance. It really starts to get old.

With Moth.ers day 2009 fast approaching I do want to wish all the moms out there a Happy Mot.hers day (sincerely). I just really hope that for year will be different.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

The last month or so in pictures

So not much going on with me lately. It is finally starting to become nice her in Michigan on a consistent basis so I am liking that. Red W1ngs made it to the second round of the playoffs and I am excited. Work is back to normal and my older dog Katie jo has been doing really good lately and has been very playful. Since not much has been going on I thought I would share some photos from the past month or so. I hope you all have a great weekend!

This is Sammy. When it is nice outside he loves to stay out. When we call him to come in this is what he does... does not want to come inside

This is No.ah's at his 2nd b-day...
No.ah's 2nd B-day

This is Jo.ey puchig No.ah in the swing...
Jo.ey pushing No.ah 2009

No.ah playing gu1tar at my house. Both of them loved it. Jo.ey came in and saw the guitars and said "I want to rock jam." and "Aunt She11 got me guitar lessons". Isn't that cute!
No.ah playing gui.tar

and finally Red W1ngs 1st round playoff game...
RW 1st round p1ayoff 2009