Monday, May 4, 2009

The week from hell

Welcome to the first week in May or as I like to call it "the week of hell". I am sure most of you know what I am talking about. You know if you are infertile...it leads up to "the day". The day that if you do not have children you do not exist.

Let me preface this post by saying... Mothers are WONDERFUL! They have the hardest job in the world and they deserve a day honoring them. They deserve a day off. I hesitated publishing this post because I don't want to sound like a bitter old angry person. I don't want to sound like "poor me". I try not to live my life like that. I am usually pretty good with other people's kids and baby stuff. I don't want to live hiding out from the world so I try really hard to be ok. After all it's not other people's fault that I lost my babies, that I am not a mother but sometimes it is harder then others and I just wanted to get this out of my head and hopefully feel better.

I love my mother with all my heart and I will spend the day with her but...

This week is harder then others. I really do hate this week because everyone is "what are you doing for moth.ers day? what did you get your mom? Oh and the best one for those who do not know me... what are your kids going to do for you for mo.ms day?"...Well gee I don't know since they couldn't be with me and all cause, you know they aren't actually here...they are just in my heart. Nobody really understands that (unless you have been through it). The only time I feel I do exist is when everyone wants to point out how special it is for the moth.ers. How they deserve the day off. My mom loves to point out that it is mothers day and I should do whatever she wants...which again she is my mother and that is all well and good. She deserves it and I love her but I am just saying that all it does is reinforce the fact that I do not have any children. No one is here to honor me.

All week leading up to "the day" I can't go to a store or turn on the TV without being bombarded by moth.ers day ads and it is tough. I know on a normal day I am bombarded with babies but on moth.ers day I really feel left out of the party and I want so much to be a part of it. I am sick of feeling left out. I want to have a family and know what it feels like to be called mom. I wish I could spend the day with my 4 angels. To me moth.ers day is like another edd that I missed out on. Another day to remember what I lost...another day to hope next year will be different. It is like the week of Christmas where in my head I am saying..."next year I will have a baby by this time or announce a pregnancy as a moth.ers day gift to everyone." Then the next year goes by and it is the same ole song and dance. It really starts to get old.

With Moth.ers day 2009 fast approaching I do want to wish all the moms out there a Happy Mot.hers day (sincerely). I just really hope that for me...next year will be different.

10 comments:

Melissa said...

((HUGS))

I don't know what to say to comfort you, just wanted you to know i'm listening :)

G & H said...

Such a sweet post I could have written myself! Thank you for sharing and posting because you are most definitley not alone in those feelings...

Kate said...

You just put in words what, I believe, most women struggling with infertility are feeling. Mother's Day is probably the hardest day of the year for us. Aside from the EDD that were never meant to be, that is. Hugs to you!

battynurse said...

I for one hope the week passes quickly and as painlessly as possible.

Heather said...

Looking forward to May 11!

CJ said...

We really are a society built around the assumption that people can, will, and should have children. Wishing you strength and peace this week and weekend.

Kahla said...

Sending a prayer that next year will be a very different one for you because you will have your own little one to celebrate. I hope the week passes quickly for you. (hugs)

JamieD said...

I hope next year is different for you as well.

((((HUGS))))

Straubles said...

I hope next year will be YOUR year! I totally understand how you feel. last mother's day we were all visiting my brothers church in California and the pastor gave different "awards" to mom's--sweet, but utter thoughtless and cruel for the childless. i sat there bawling thru the service with my sis-in law who had recently had a stillborn at 8 months. i wish that everyone would be more sensitive to those of us who are childless (not by choice!!!!)...i guess when we have world peace, we'll have people understanding infertility! :-)

Monica LeMoine said...

Thank you for this post, Michelle. yes, this is a hard and surreal week....aaahhhgghh. Nice to know I'm not alone in all this!