Which way do I go?

So, I am sorry that I have been silent as of late but I have been really having a hard time. It has not been a "normal" hard time for me. One where I feel the need to discuss and discuss and make plans and try to figure every thing out. I mean I have been doing that just not the discussing part of it. I have been battling it out in my brain. Some days I am winning and other days not so much. I regret to say that even here on my blog, the one place where I swore I would always say what is on my mind. I came here and said everything was fine. I wrote it hoping that maybe saying it here would just make it true...it has not.

I mean I did have a nice Easter but what I did not say was that all day I felt like I was teetering on the edge. Anything made me want to cry. We went to my sisters in the morning for brunch and the thought of going to my MILs later that day was making me sick to my stomach. All I wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed and stay there. I didn't because I really did not feel like explaining why I was not going to show up. So I sucked it up and it was nice. My MIL got a new Ip.ad so I spent a lot of time playing with that, which btw it is really cool, and we played outside with my nephews. It turned out to be an ok day but I did not talk much that day. I was afraid to open my mouth too much. Afraid I was going to burst into tears and look like a crazy person.

I feel like a failure. I feel like I have let my husband down...I have let myself down and I do not know where to go from here. I understand that I am not alone that many people are going through the same things that I am  going through. I KNOW I am not alone but I FEEL so LONELY!

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and very jittery. I hate this feeling. I have suffered from panic attacks in the past and they are not fun. I have since learned how to handle them and I have not had a full out panic attack in a while but lately it feels like it is coming. It is not a good feeling. It is hard to describe to anyone that has not been through it.

I said here I went to my friends house and we celebrated her b-day. We had fun...a lot of fun! But what I did not say was that someone asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears. It only lasted for a few minutes but I do not know where it came from. I did not say for the 1st time I felt a huge divide between me and my closest friends. I felt really left out. They all have kids and have grown up together. I mean I have been friends with them for 15 years but this is the 1st time I felt different. Nothing specific happened to make me feel this way. No one said anything. Everyone was caring and understanding and we laughed and laughed but still I felt like an outsider and that sucked!

I guess a lot lately I feel like an outsider to my life. Like things are going out of control and I have no way to stop it. The weird thing is I do not feel depressed I just feel anxious. I feel like my head is going in a million directions and I do not know how to get it going one direction. I fear making the wrong decision. I want to take the shortest path to my ultimate goal but it is really hard when I can not even see the path at all.

I am frustrated and I am angry. I just wish someone could say do this...go here...do that...and all will be fine. Unfortunately nobody can do that. I just need to take a deep breath and realize that this too will pass. I do believe everything happens for a reason. I just really wish I knew what the reason was.

So that is what has been going on with me. I hope all is well with you and I will be catching up with all of you this week.

xxoo

Just ranting away

Cycle day 31, cramps for 4 days now...still no AF. I really hate her! While I am on "break" from doing all the fertility meds and stuff I still want to try on my own. But I can't when I have cycles that last forever and ever. I mean I can, I do, but it just doesn't work as well. Maybe by some miracle, if AF ever sticks to her schedule, it will happen on it's own. Not really sure why I would even think that because in almost 9 years it has only happened once but still it doesn't cost anything to just (gasp) do it the old fashioned way. As shocking as that may sound I have heard I think some stories, maybe published in the paper or media reporting it, that people do get pregnant actually "doing it" without a Dr present and weeks of pills and shots. That just sounds strange to me.

I have just been really angry and bummed out lately that I can't just be like everyone else. I can't say "hey I want to have a baby and then a 9 months later poof there he/she is". No I have to figure out ways to raise money to have a baby and I just do not even have the first clue how to do that.

I'm angry that time is just slipping by and I have no control on how my life is unfolding. I'm angry that a woman that has 6 kids that she can barely support gets to have 8 more. I'm not saying you can't have as many kids as you want but come on all I am asking for is 1 here...

I'm angry that infertility is not treated seriously by most people. They call us selfish for wanting what most people can have easily. I'm angry that once you have a miscarriage that people feel bad for you for a couple days but then disregard it like my grief is not real...I should be over it by now. Well, I'm not and I never will be! It hurts less with time but it still hurts!

I'm angry that my body does not work the way it should and I have to jump through hoops just for the HOPE that it might.

It has been almost 9 years I WANT MY MIRACLE! I WANT to hear someone call me mommy. I want to watch him/her grow up. I want to be a family! I just hate this whole thing and I am really pissed off!

Someone please call the Psych ward

I think I have completely gone insane. I think IF has pushed me over the edge and I am not sure how to get back. Also, let me preface this whole post by saying I am NOT a patient person...AT ALL! I hate waiting! Why wait to do something when I can do it now and get it done. This will only prove my theory as you read further that I am crazy.

I am here. Not there. Not where I want to be. I am still. Wanting to move forward but stuck in what is behind me. I'm scared and I'm sad and that makes me angry because I am here and not there, where I want to be.

I can see it. I can see where I would like to be, off in the distance but, I can't seem to find the path to get there. I can't put one foot in front of the other and take it one step at a time because, what I really want to do is to take off running. Sadly if I took of running I would probably run into trees or in front of cars or something because I can't see where I am going.

I can feel it. I can feel who I want to be. Happy. Carefree. Peaceful. I have no idea how to be that... I can fake it really good, but how do I BE IT?

I am about to turn 35 in a week and I am not where I thought or wanted to be in my life by now. I remember when I was 14 and my mom was 35, she would tell me what a young mom I had. Sadly, I will never be able to say that to my child. It feels like at the rate I am going for my child's (if I ever have one) 14th birthday he/she will be looking for nursing homes thinking "why the hell did my mom have me so late?". I know that is a little extreme but that is what it feels like.

In 1 week I will have entered the much anticipated, much dreaded... Advanced Maternal Age. No longer will I be able to read the sections of a book for women TTC under 35. Everything will be higher risk, more sense of urgency and that really sucks because...

I'm stuck in the same place I was 6 months ago. I look around at other people, read other blogs and I see people doing something. Here I sit, "on break", wanting so badly to get back into the race but scared as hell to start running (you know the whole trees and cars thing).

My RE said I did not have to worry about it right now. He said A) it's not like there is a switch that gets flipped right on your 35th birthday. B) from my responses to everything so far I have been producing a lot of eggs. He said maybe 4 years from now I can worry. That's good news right? Only if you were a sane person, because all I think when he says that I am producing a lot of eggs, is that I am wasting all of them. I know you only have so many and that is determined when you are born and all these years I have basically just been throwing them all away. The more I produce now and the procedures don't work the less I will have...right? I know it's crazy but this is what I am trying to tell you...I have lost it!

I'm scarred because of all the "what if's" running through my head. What if the last round of injections doesn't work? What if I can't find the money to do IVF? What if I should go out of state for IVF? What if something else is wrong with me that they haven't found yet? What if I do get pregnant again and I have another miscarriage? stillborn? What if I spend all this money and I never have a child? What if...what if...what if...

I know in my heart that I shouldn't do that because I could just "what if" myself to death but please someone tell that to my head. My head has a mind of it's own...literally (that line really strikes me as funny...apparently I crack myself up because I can't stop laughing right now...or again it proves that I have lost it).

So all I have to do is call Dr. Positive and say "hey, it's me you know the one who is paying for your youngest to go to college. Yeah that's right, I am ready to get back in. I am ready to stick myself in the stomach and have my dates with the dildocam. I am ready for blood draws and follie checks. I am ready for some check writing and rx ordering. Let's go, what are you waiting for. I am not getting any younger. Let's do this thing. I. AM. READY!"...but I don't because I am stuck...here which is not where I want to be.

So there you have it ladies and gentleman...I AM insane! Let's recap...
1. Not patient
2. Don't want to be here.
3. Tired of waiting.
4. Not. doing. anything.
5. Not getting any younger.
6. What ifing myself to death when I should be saying "what if all goes right?"
6. I want a baby more then anything.
7. Just need to make a simple phone call.
8. Still sitting here...not doing anything.
9. Complaining about not doing anything and I am the only one that s controlling this.
10. Sad. Angry. Scared. but want to be Happy. Carefree. Peaceful.
11. Still not doing anything.

Someone admit me please.

One of Those Days

My rant for today...

I have these days...these days where I am angry, I am hurt, I am hopeless. These are my selfish days, days where I can not offer much to anyone but myself. Today happens to be one of those days. It always seems to also be one of those days where everyone comes to me for consolation and advice. They come to me because they are angry or hurt or hopeless and I have nothing to give them. To me, and I know this may sound heartless, the petty troubles that they come to me with are of such insignificance. Don't they realize that I have 4 babies in heaven! I want to scream "I have nothing to give you, right now!" Your troubles at your job don't concern me.  I don't care that your child is not listening to you today. Don't you understand that I would do anything to have children not listening to me at this moment! I don't care that your cat scratched your leather couch, that your husband didn't remember to take the car in to get an oil change, that your mother won't get off your back. All these things will pass and I will still have 4 babies in heaven and be childless. There are so many other important things in life. I want to say "Get over yourself". But I can't because I can't get over myself. I know everyone's problems are the most important thing to them because it is happening to them but please right now don't come to me. 

Unless you are wondering how your next RE appointment is going to go or if the next pregnancy test is going to be positive and if it is positive will it be another miscarriage.   Unless you are wondering what it is you are meant to do in this life because it seems you may not be meant to mother a child. Unless you wonder why can't I have children when so an so on the news has 4 children and kills them all. Unless you are wondering any of those things. I can't help you! Not right now. I feel bad because I feel so selfish but I can't help it...I am definitely having one of those days and I wish I could just go into my bed and stay there because I am afraid I am going to just explode.