Saturday, January 31, 2009

Someone please call the Psych ward

I think I have completely gone insane. I think IF has pushed me over the edge and I am not sure how to get back. Also, let me preface this whole post by saying I am NOT a patient person...AT ALL! I hate waiting! Why wait to do something when I can do it now and get it done. This will only prove my theory as you read further that I am crazy.

I am here. Not there. Not where I want to be. I am still. Wanting to move forward but stuck in what is behind me. I'm scared and I'm sad and that makes me angry because I am here and not there, where I want to be.

I can see it. I can see where I would like to be, off in the distance but, I can't seem to find the path to get there. I can't put one foot in front of the other and take it one step at a time because, what I really want to do is to take off running. Sadly if I took of running I would probably run into trees or in front of cars or something because I can't see where I am going.

I can feel it. I can feel who I want to be. Happy. Carefree. Peaceful. I have no idea how to be that... I can fake it really good, but how do I BE IT?

I am about to turn 35 in a week and I am not where I thought or wanted to be in my life by now. I remember when I was 14 and my mom was 35, she would tell me what a young mom I had. Sadly, I will never be able to say that to my child. It feels like at the rate I am going for my child's (if I ever have one) 14th birthday he/she will be looking for nursing homes thinking "why the hell did my mom have me so late?". I know that is a little extreme but that is what it feels like.

In 1 week I will have entered the much anticipated, much dreaded... Advanced Maternal Age. No longer will I be able to read the sections of a book for women TTC under 35. Everything will be higher risk, more sense of urgency and that really sucks because...

I'm stuck in the same place I was 6 months ago. I look around at other people, read other blogs and I see people doing something. Here I sit, "on break", wanting so badly to get back into the race but scared as hell to start running (you know the whole trees and cars thing).

My RE said I did not have to worry about it right now. He said A) it's not like there is a switch that gets flipped right on your 35th birthday. B) from my responses to everything so far I have been producing a lot of eggs. He said maybe 4 years from now I can worry. That's good news right? Only if you were a sane person, because all I think when he says that I am producing a lot of eggs, is that I am wasting all of them. I know you only have so many and that is determined when you are born and all these years I have basically just been throwing them all away. The more I produce now and the procedures don't work the less I will have...right? I know it's crazy but this is what I am trying to tell you...I have lost it!

I'm scarred because of all the "what if's" running through my head. What if the last round of injections doesn't work? What if I can't find the money to do IVF? What if I should go out of state for IVF? What if something else is wrong with me that they haven't found yet? What if I do get pregnant again and I have another miscarriage? stillborn? What if I spend all this money and I never have a child? What if...what if...what if...

I know in my heart that I shouldn't do that because I could just "what if" myself to death but please someone tell that to my head. My head has a mind of it's own...literally (that line really strikes me as funny...apparently I crack myself up because I can't stop laughing right now...or again it proves that I have lost it).

So all I have to do is call Dr. Positive and say "hey, it's me you know the one who is paying for your youngest to go to college. Yeah that's right, I am ready to get back in. I am ready to stick myself in the stomach and have my dates with the dildocam. I am ready for blood draws and follie checks. I am ready for some check writing and rx ordering. Let's go, what are you waiting for. I am not getting any younger. Let's do this thing. I. AM. READY!"...but I don't because I am which is not where I want to be.

So there you have it ladies and gentleman...I AM insane! Let's recap...
1. Not patient
2. Don't want to be here.
3. Tired of waiting.
4. Not. doing. anything.
5. Not getting any younger.
6. What ifing myself to death when I should be saying "what if all goes right?"
6. I want a baby more then anything.
7. Just need to make a simple phone call.
8. Still sitting here...not doing anything.
9. Complaining about not doing anything and I am the only one that s controlling this.
10. Sad. Angry. Scared. but want to be Happy. Carefree. Peaceful.
11. Still not doing anything.

Someone admit me please.


CJ said...

I'm so sorry. ((((hugs)))) You have waited long enough, by anyone's standards.

Have you ever answered your "what ifs"?

And let's give "advanced maternal age" a swift kick in the rear. My grandma was 37 when she had my aunt and 42 when she had my mom. She lived a long, healthy, wonderful life and got to meet her first great-grandchild.

S said...

Maybe we could get a double room together? And sit rocking back and forward.

Big hugs. Waiting really really sucks.


Monica LeMoine said...

Okay, my dear. This is Monica Your Voluntary Shrink talking, prefacing these words with: I personally HATE unsolicited advice about how to live my life. And yet I'm going to dish out one main "advisory thought" to you. I think that:

1) Infertility is a grieving process. You have lost something you thought you had: an ability to easily and quickly produce a baby when you were ready. You've lost that, and now you're grieving. I don't think that = insanity.

2) All of the things you listed - impatience, not wanting to be here (you BETTER not slit your wrists, chickie), not doing anything, still yearning, etc. - are a part of your grieving process. They're a phase that consumes you, for now.

3) They are things you have to go through before you can find some inner peace and acceptance, and "get better" in your own eyes. And, you've shown brilliantly in this post, that you're being honest about those feelings - which I think is an excellent starting place. You can't force yourself over this rocky "bridge" if that's what you could call it - there's no timeline, and no way to make it faster.

So, just feel it and be okay with it. You'll find your "happy carefree" inner self when you emerge, one or three or five years from now, or less or more than that, as a changed (and wiser and stronger) person from this experience, and you'll make the most of that life that you have, kid or no kid. That's human survival instinct, and you have it like we all do, so trust it to kick in when you really need it.

Got all that? MAN OH MAN, that's the longest comment I've ever posted. Congratulations.


Melissa said...

isn't the expression hurry up and wait?


I hope you're feeling better, i don't think venting=crazy either.

Thinking of you ((HUGS))

Kahla said...

((HUGS)) Infertility makes everything insane, I'm so sorry you are having to deal w/this. I think about the age thing all the time too. :o(

Shannon said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so frazzled. I hope things look up soon and feel free to vent anytime. Lots of hugs to you!

Megan said...

I'm so sorry. I don't think you are crazy, just human. I hope the new week is better for you...

Mommy In Waiting said...

I.Love.Your.Blog! :) found you on the creme de la creme post at stirrup queens...:) and i loved that post...I am going to be following you and catching up---wanting updates as well...!


battynurse said...

Yup, yup, and yup. I've felt many of these feelings or similar ones before myself. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of feeling like what I want is beyond my reach. It's our turn damnit!
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I hope it gets better soon.

Eskimo_Kisses_4_U said...

I don't think you're crazy. I think your thoughts are perfectly normal. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I really don't have any words of wisdom, though. I just know your pain, at least somewhat. I do believe your best years are yet to come.

JamieD said...

You're not crazy! Well, either that or we're both crazy.

IF has turned me into someone I never thought I would be. Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off and quit thinking about all the "what-ifs." It's like self-torture.


Lori said...

Oh, man. I could have written this post once upon a time. In fact, I have some of the exact same phrasings over on Drama 2B Mama.

It's hard, so hard. What worked for me was finding the stillness within that told me which path to take to get to my children. Maybe you can find this stillness (straightjacket not necessary).

I wish you clarity, Michelle.

Elle said...

Oh, I hear you. It's like all of life is funneled down to just this, and the thoughts just echo and echo. You want to break out of the mindset so badly, but it's hard.

You are in my thoughts, and like the commenter above, I hope that some time and stillness bring you clarity.

Another Dreamer said...

(*HUGS*) Breathe hun, just breathe. I can't tell you that it is all going to be okay, because I don't know that... but what I can say is that you will make it through this. You are strong and you will make it through this... breathe.

Bluebird said...

((Hugs)) sweetie. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now. I can relate to so many of your words; I'd imagine many of us can. So if its any solace, just remember you're not alone. We're here to listen, if nothing else.

Michelle said...

Thank you all for your thoughts and wonderful words. It really helps me a lot! It helps me feel not so alone. Also, just so no one is worried, when I refer to "not wanting to be HERE" I meant in this place (mentally) not referring to here on earth.

Soralis said...

So sorry that you are feeling like this. IF can really mess a person up. When we are waiting it seems like we aren't getting anywhere. All I can say is good luck and hang in there.

Barb said...

I very very much identify with your age issue. My Mom was a young Mom as well and always thought of her mom as "old" since she had her at 34. It sucks.