I think I have completely gone insane. I think IF has pushed me over the edge and I am not sure how to get back. Also, let me preface this whole post by saying I am NOT a patient person...AT ALL! I hate waiting! Why wait to do something when I can do it now and get it done. This will only prove my theory as you read further that I am crazy.
I am here. Not there. Not where I want to be. I am still. Wanting to move forward but stuck in what is behind me. I'm scared and I'm sad and that makes me angry because I am here and not there, where I want to be.
I can see it. I can see where I would like to be, off in the distance but, I can't seem to find the path to get there. I can't put one foot in front of the other and take it one step at a time because, what I really want to do is to take off running. Sadly if I took of running I would probably run into trees or in front of cars or something because I can't see where I am going.
I can feel it. I can feel who I want to be. Happy. Carefree. Peaceful. I have no idea how to be that... I can fake it really good, but how do I BE IT?
I am about to turn 35 in a week and I am not where I thought or wanted to be in my life by now. I remember when I was 14 and my mom was 35, she would tell me what a young mom I had. Sadly, I will never be able to say that to my child. It feels like at the rate I am going for my child's (if I ever have one) 14th birthday he/she will be looking for nursing homes thinking "why the hell did my mom have me so late?". I know that is a little extreme but that is what it feels like.
In 1 week I will have entered the much anticipated, much dreaded... Advanced Maternal Age. No longer will I be able to read the sections of a book for women TTC under 35. Everything will be higher risk, more sense of urgency and that really sucks because...
I'm stuck in the same place I was 6 months ago. I look around at other people, read other blogs and I see people doing something. Here I sit, "on break", wanting so badly to get back into the race but scared as hell to start running (you know the whole trees and cars thing).
My RE said I did not have to worry about it right now. He said A) it's not like there is a switch that gets flipped right on your 35th birthday. B) from my responses to everything so far I have been producing a lot of eggs. He said maybe 4 years from now I can worry. That's good news right? Only if you were a sane person, because all I think when he says that I am producing a lot of eggs, is that I am wasting all of them. I know you only have so many and that is determined when you are born and all these years I have basically just been throwing them all away. The more I produce now and the procedures don't work the less I will have...right? I know it's crazy but this is what I am trying to tell you...I have lost it!
I'm scarred because of all the "what if's" running through my head. What if the last round of injections doesn't work? What if I can't find the money to do IVF? What if I should go out of state for IVF? What if something else is wrong with me that they haven't found yet? What if I do get pregnant again and I have another miscarriage? stillborn? What if I spend all this money and I never have a child? What if...what if...what if...
I know in my heart that I shouldn't do that because I could just "what if" myself to death but please someone tell that to my head. My head has a mind of it's own...literally (that line really strikes me as funny...apparently I crack myself up because I can't stop laughing right now...or again it proves that I have lost it).
So all I have to do is call Dr. Positive and say "hey, it's me you know the one who is paying for your youngest to go to college. Yeah that's right, I am ready to get back in. I am ready to stick myself in the stomach and have my dates with the dildocam. I am ready for blood draws and follie checks. I am ready for some check writing and rx ordering. Let's go, what are you waiting for. I am not getting any younger. Let's do this thing. I. AM. READY!"...but I don't because I am stuck...here which is not where I want to be.
So there you have it ladies and gentleman...I AM insane! Let's recap...
1. Not patient
2. Don't want to be here.
3. Tired of waiting.
4. Not. doing. anything.
5. Not getting any younger.
6. What ifing myself to death when I should be saying "what if all goes right?"
6. I want a baby more then anything.
7. Just need to make a simple phone call.
8. Still sitting here...not doing anything.
9. Complaining about not doing anything and I am the only one that s controlling this.
10. Sad. Angry. Scared. but want to be Happy. Carefree. Peaceful.
11. Still not doing anything.
Someone admit me please.