Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Death of a Dream

4 years ago! January 14th, 2005! That is when it happened...my first of several miscarriages. 4 years ago that day I thought was the worst day of my life...little did I know it would get worse.

It was the death of a dream. A dream that I thought had finally become realized. I had been trying for 4 years and never saw the beautiful 2 lines. When I finally did I thought "thats it! My nightmare is over". Unfortunately it was just beginning. My sister had found out she was pregnant like a month or so prior. She was on a cruise and I could not wait to tell her. We were going to be pregnant together. Our children would be close like siblings...oh it was going to be so much fun! I remember that it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I was finally free...free to be happy because now I would be complete. I had entered into the adult world. I was no longer a kid playing "grown-up".

When I look back on it, I think it was one of the happiest times of my life. I was finally going to have my baby I had longed for for so long. My body worked, I was not broken anymore. I had such plans...oh how naive I was...

When they called to say my beta had dropped...I just remember letting out a scream at the top of my lungs...NO! NO! NO! YOU CAN"T TAKE MY BABY AWAY! PLEASE DON"T TAKE MY BABY AWAY! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! They were wrong I just knew they had to be wrong. Maybe my first numbers were wrong, maybe the second...one of them HAD TO BE WRONG! I made my DH take me to the ER. I wanted them to do a blood test there and find out what the numbers were...he knew the dr was right but he took me...I think he would have done anything on that day...anything that would have taken the pain away from me, even though he was feeling it too.

We went to the ER and I pretended like I did not know a thing. I didn't want them to think I was some crazy person in denial...because I WASN"T! The doctors just had it all WRONG!!! So they hooked me up to the catheter and then wheeled me down to do an ultrasound. I laid there trying so hard to read the techs face. Was that blink she just had a good blink? the breath she just took was that out of relief? Please, please just tell me you see my baby and he/she is fine...TELL ME!!! Of course she didn't. they must train those ultrasound techs in the hospital really well because I could not tell a thing by her face. The dr came in and said they did not see much on the ultrasound but it was too early. Then he told my the numbers and said "it was a threatened miscarriage" and to go home and make an appointment with my DR...there was still hope he said. But he didn't know what I knew. When I heard the numbers...152 much, much lower then the 704 from the call that morning. I knew that ALL HOPE HAD BEEN LOST! In that moment even more so then that morning a piece of me died! And I wanted the rest of me to die too.

I cried and I screamed more then I thought possible for one person. I stared off into space just mumbling to my self...I HURT! I HURT! PLEASE SOMEONE MAKE IT GO AWAY! To make matters worse it was January 14th which also happens to be my DH birthday. What a SHITTY BIRTHDAY PRESENT! I felt bad for him because I knew his birthday would always be remembered as one of the worst days of our lives. I was so sad about that but I couldn't change it.

I did not know how I would go on. How I could ever smile again? How I could watch people living normal happy lives while I was living in such pain. But I did...somehow I just did.

Even though I was only pregnant for a few short weeks I loved that baby as if he/she were here for a whole lifetime. I still do! Along with my three other angels. I remember all the dates, the EDD, the miscarriage dates, but this one is always the hardest because it was THE DAY! The day where I realized that just getting the 2 lines did not mean I would have a baby. My dreams were going to be so much harder to obtain then I originally thought. The dreams I had of infertility just being a "story" I would tell about how I dealt with it for a little while but overcame it were gone. I was changed...

14 comments:

Elle said...

Thank you for sharing this; I know it can't have been easy to write. Your love for your babies shines through in every word.

I truly hope that you get to hold one of them in your arms one day.

Hugs to you.

battynurse said...

I'm so sorry. Hugs to you.

CJ said...

More hugs from me, too. I'm so sorry that you and your hubby had to go through this. Thank you for sharing the experience with us.

Eskimo_Kisses_4_U said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you are going through this and hurting so bad. It is the worst feeling in the world to feel so broken and have that one dream ripped away so fast, yet so slowly knowing that we may never be able to conceive and carry to term.

We share January 14...I lost baby #3 three years ago on that painful day.

****Hugs*** to my sister in pain. I wish that very soon you will have nothing but a great miracle to share.

Greg and Heather said...

My thoughts are with you :(

What a touching post

www.wondrafulbaby.blogspot.com

Kischa said...

It must have been so painful for you to write this post, I'm sitting here crying as read it. I can't imagine going through that so many times.

My prayers are with you, I pray that you and your DH get the precious little miracle that you've longed for very soon.

'Murgdan' said...

I'm so sorry you had to have this experience. I can't even begin to imagine. But I know, as an ER nurse, my care for women suffering miscarriages changed after reading stories like these...

Another Dreamer said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. I echo your feelings, words just can not express.

It had to be extremely difficult to write this, but I am glad you did. Thank you for sharing your experience, your lost one. I will be thinking of you and DH, your lost one, and all your lost ones.

(*hugs*) to you.

Cara said...

What an honest post. You are a wonderful gift to people who feel guilty for feeling loss when they are only a few weeks pregnant.

6 weeks - 40 weeks - or after birth.

Each is devestating. Thinking of you and DH today as you remember your first baby.

sara said...

I'm so sorry...

In Due Time said...

Many, many hugs my love. I wish I could take the pain away and give you your dream. Love you, sweetie!

Megan said...

Thanks for sharing this. I'm so sorry.

Monica LeMoine said...

Thank you for your honest and heartfelt thoughts, Michelle. Hugs to you. I totally understand.

JamieD said...

I am so sorry. I can say I know just how you feel, unfortunantly. I remember the relief the first time I saw those two pink lines. I thought the exact same thing - our nightmare is over. It wasn't and I, too, have changed.

Much love and hugs to you . . .