Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Project IF - What if?

Ah the "what if" is a game I am a master at...a game I can play all day long without even really trying. I have run through so many "what if", sometimes I think I belong in the looney bin.

What if - Someone would have listened to me earlier when I told them I had PCOS but they assured me no I didn't only to find out 4 years later YES in fact I did.
What if - I had money to spend on the infertility treatments?
What if - I would have not listened to all the health classes in school that told me I could get pregnant at a drop of a hat and therefore I protected myself all those years. Ha what a joke that turned out to be...
What if - I did not lose 4 babies?
What if - what if  - WHAT IF?

I could do this all day long but the biggest what if to me, and I am sure it is common amongst most (if not all) us infertiles, is What if I never become a mom? Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I do not know if I can live with that. I can not imagine the rest of my life without a child, and hopefully multiple children, in it.

It strikes me sometimes when I hear people talking about children, how common having children is. It is normal for most every person yet I can not seem to get there. I never imagined my life without children. I can't picture just me and my hubby for the rest of our lives. Although, 10 years ago when I started this journey I never imagined I would make it through all that I have made it through.

 When I started I thought...What if I am right that I can't have children without medical assistance. I can't live with that." But I found I couldn't and I have lived through it.

When I started clomid I thought What if this does not work? There is no way I can do shots myself. I hate needles. I will not be able to handle it."  Clomid did not work. I have since "shot myself up" with all kinds of stuff. Done all kinds of procedures. I am still here.

When I got pregnant the first time I thought "what if I lose this baby? No that would never happen because God knows what I have been through and surely he knows I CAN NOT HANDLE that. It would be so utterly unfair and heartbreaking I would surely not make it". I lost that baby. I am still kicking.

When I got pregnant the 2nd time I thought What if I go through another loss? No way would this happen to me again. My heart can not take it." I lost that heart is still ticking.

When I got pregnant the 3rd time I thought What if I am one of those people that have miscarriage after miscarriage. I can't be one of "those people" I can't do it. My heart will be shattered and I will surely die"
I lost that one and the next and yet I am still here. Making it.

So now my biggest what if is What if I never become a mom? It repeats in my head like a broken record yet I am terrified of what life would be if I never get to have a child but I am also TERRIFIED to really keep thinking that because everytime I though I would never make it through. The worst(at that time) happened and I am still here alive, my heart still in one piece although sometime it does not feel fully intact. I am still TRYING to move forward. I am still living life. So it was almost like those things happen just to show me what I thought I could not do, I could. So I am afraid to think of What if I do not become a mom? Because I am TERRIFIED I will find out.

Maybe, I need to start thinking..."What if I have to have that would suck!" The problem with that is I could never get my head or heart to believe it so I do not think it will work. UGH I HATE "WHAT IF"!!!!

The better "What if" would be..."What if my biggest fear never comes true? What if my hubby gets to be the WONDERFUL dad I know he will be? What if we get to have some beautiful children and live happily ever after?"  Ahhh now tose are some "what ifs" that I can get behind! Oh to dream...

It is National Infertility Awareness Week to find out more about infertility please visit RESOLVE or for the history of National Infertility Awareness Week click on this link.

To participate in Project IF - What if... go visit Mel's place and read this post with all the background and info. I hope all of us that have to play this "What if" game get to see that are worst fears were unfounded and all our dreams really do come true! Much love and hugs to all my infertility brothers and sisters. You are all the support that keeps me going when I think I can't anymore. Thank you!


Triumph said...

Great post.

I like the latter what if's better as I beleive in, having a postive outlook (as hard as it maybe sometimes) and speaking things into being.

Please throw out the negative what if's and focus on the positives.

You remain in my prayers.

battynurse said...

I hate the what if's too. Thinking of you sweetie.

Triumph said...

Michelle, this little bit should have bee included in my previous comment.

After I did laporoscopy for my PCOS, a friend dreamt that she was taking out some really healthy looking carrots out of my abdomen (weird oh). I was so excited about this dream and my friend was excited too,because like me, she thought this was sign that my long awaited dream, would come true soon. I was excited largely because, I had been having positive images since my surgery of my reproductive system being completely restored.

I kept this image in mind, along with images of being a mom, taking my child to the park, seeing my child and my husband horse play around our home, all of that good stuff, and you know what, It has come to pass.

I did have negative what if's like you have had, but I did not focus very much on those, instead, I focussed on the more positive ones.

Have you every thought of trying alternative medicine for your pcos. It was alternative medicine that helped me conceive my son.

We could talk off camera. Just drop me a line.


Stacey said...

As always, you continue to write what so many others are thinking and feeling. Thanks for sharing your heart, even when it may be painful. Much love to you. I hope some of those "better what IFs" come true for you one day soon.

melissa said...

You write so well how your feeling. It's nice to really know what's going on with you.

Keeping writing and sharing we love you. :)