Fears

So last night I was up until something like 4:00 am. My mind was racing a mile a minute...Why? because I saw a show about someone who was fine one day and gone the next. He was young (35 or 36)...healthy...died of a heart attack. What!? And then because I believe strongly that things happen for a reason, every once in a while this will happen - I see something, hear something, or read something and then I think it was put before me to tell me BEWARE!!!! this may happen to your hubby! Now this does not happen every time but there are times like this. It goes away after a day but still. am I crazy?

I always say that my worst fear is that I will never be a mother. This is a HUGE fear!!!!! However, if I am really being honest my absolute worst fear is being left alone. I have abandonment issues ( I blame my father leaving. I find things always make me feel better if I blame father LOL)...anyway. Hubby always gets mad because I always tell him I want to go first because I do not want to be left alone (maybe this is because at the time I do not have children) In fact just the other day we had some major storms. Severe thunderstorms and tornado warnings and all. I don't mind storms. I just hate severe storms and tornados. I know who really likes them? But for example he will sleep through them or go right out in the middle to watch if I let him. I have had some bad experiences so I will not. So anyway, the other night I tell him I want him to stay up until the dtorms pass as I watch the weather and they are headed right for us. He says, "all it is a bad storm & some wind" (BTW a tornado hit about 45 minutes or so away and wiped out a lot of homes) To which I say, "there is a huge tree that the wind could knock over and my luck it would fall right on the bed where you and all the animals will be sleeping. " He says, "Thanks a lot! (rolling his eyes) That is not going to happen!" Which to me is the kiss of doom! Then I say "who ever says I think a tree is going to fall on me today?" (or whatever the scenario is at the time) Now I have snowballed it into the end of the world in my head. So because he is the wonderful husband that he is, he stayed up and guess what...by the time it got to us it was some heavy rain and that is it.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea, like I run around in mass hysteria stating it is the end of the world. Most of this happens in my head. Even the conversation above with my hubby was said half laughingwhile in my head imagining how much my world would crumble if it actually happened. But it bothers me that something as simple as a TV show can keep me up for hours. Is it just me? Am I crazy? Does anyone else do this because whenever I talk about this people look at me like I am nuts.

Obviously I know that you can't live your life in fear. I DON"T! I am a worrier and for that there is NO DOUBT! But I am not some wierdo that doesn't do anything or try things because I fear it. These are thoughts that pass through my mind. Maybe linger there for a day or so and then go away...til the next time or when I have something new to worry about. I also must say I have gotten so much better then I used to be. It used to be WAY WORSE! Does anyone else do this? What are your fears?

Baby dreams

I have been having vivid dreams lately. I had one last night and I was having a baby. All my dreams about having babies always seem to start when I am either in labor or just had the baby. I don't ever really have pregnancy dreams. Is that weird? Last night I had I dream that I was in labor and no one could tell me what I was having and I was very distraught about it. They kept telling me that if I was a good mother I would wait until I delivered. I was in labor for 2 days and still not having the baby. No one was concerned and I was yelling at everyone! They kept saying I was irrational and probably would not make a good mother. I woke up very sad about that.

A couple weeks ago I had a dream that I had twins. They rushed me to the hospital because I had stomach pains. I did not know I was pregnant. they put me under and when I woke I was at home and they told me I had twin boys. the problem was my whole family had twins at the same time so there were babies all over the place and I could not find my babies because I never saw them when they were born. no one would tell me where they were. In fact no one was even talking to me. It was like I was invisible

I am not a dream interpreter but I'm thinking these have to do with my fears about maybe the reason I can't get pregnant is because I won't be a good mother or some ridiculous thought like that. And also about the fact that I have had 4 pregnancies but never got to see the babies because of the miscarriages. It's just weird because there seems to be a lot of these lately and I am not entirely sure why. I haven't been obsessing anymore then usual. I just usually have dream where I don't see faces or they don't completely make sense and so they are hard to explain but lately I wake up and feel like they actually happened. They then stick with me all day. I hate that when you can't shake the feeling from dreams.

I wish they were foretelling me that I was soon going to be unexpectantly having a baby but we all know that really is a dream. One I wish was coming true but know it is going to be a while and many dollars before that happens. UGH!