Thursday, March 25, 2010

What is it like?

I look at you and I wonder...What would it be like to be you? How does it ACTUALLY feel to be a different person then who I am right now. I am sitting at my computer and typing away. What are you doing?

We are driving down the same road and my thoughts seem to jump from "wow what a beautiful day" to "I wish I had a child to take to the park to enjoy this day". As you drive, do you wish you could get a moment to yourself? To sit at a park bench and feel the sun on your face. No children screaming mommy.

I come home to an excited dog happy to see me and a hug from my husband but the quiet is what screams in my face. No children begging for my attention, running to my arms. You arrive home to a sibling argument needing a referee and everyone wanting to know what is for dinner. I have no idea what that feels like but I want to...

I sit on my couch and tell my husband about my day. We make dinner and wonder if we are going to have too much since it is only the 2 of us. Are you wondering if you will have enough? After dinner we watch our favorite programs. We do not have to wait for the kids to go to bed because right now all that the TV plays is cartoons. You probably know every word to the "Lion King" and I could not even tell you the plot of the movie.

I go to bed. No bed time stories, no sweet tender kisses. Just the snoring from my hubby and the TV I keep on in the background to keep me company. I sleep through the night and wake when I feel like it. I am sure you are begging for a full nights sleep or a couple extra hours.

The next day for me is more of the same. Is yours different from day to day? I would imagine with children it is... I don't know what it is like to be you but you have an idea what it is like to be me. Does that make it harder? easier? I look at you and think "oh what I would not give to have that. Does she appreciate it like I would?" Do you look at me and think the same?

 I know I am BLESSED. I know the "grass is always greener", "be careful what you wish for", and "be happy with what you have". I understand that...I do. I am grateful for many things...I truly am...

but...

I want to know what it is like to be someone else. I want to be a MOM. I want it so bad my heart aches like no ache I can ever describe. I want to know what it is like to not have this emptiness in my heart. I want to know what it is like to feel...COMPLETE...??!!!

xxoo

14 comments:

battynurse said...

I hear you. I've done that same wondering before myself.

Another Dreamer said...

I hear that very much- wonderful post Michelle. I know I wonder these same things. And yes- it is that emptiness, that silence, that screams at me most evenings that hurts in a way it's hard to describe.

'Murgdan' said...

This was a beautiful post, Michelle.

niobe said...

What a perfect post. And not only because imagining myself with a different life is something I do all the time.

Andrea said...

Truly touching, as I can relate to many of those thoughts. Often, I wish that I could escape these thoughts and just find that real peace that envelops the soul. However, the wondering "what will it be like" continues...I suppose it always will.

Praying for you and praying that you come to KNOW all those thoughts :) VERY SOON.

Melis.sa said...

This is such a lovely post. I hope that you won't have to wonder for much longer.

Stacey said...

Michelle, I have to be honest with you. I read a lot of blog posts and they don't all bring tears to my eyes, but this one did. Beautifully written and painfully honest and transparent. I'm familiar with these feelings and "wonderings." This one will stick with me.

Thinking of you and always hoping that you won't have to wait much longer, my friend.

Michele said...

One of the things Peter said to me, right after Nick and Sophie died, and I watched a woman push a stroller and began to cry, was this: "Perhaps she is mourning that she is pushing a single stroller instead of a dual... Perhaps she is wondering why it took her years to conceive, only to have multiple miscarriages or pregnancy losses... We never know what they went through to get to where they are." It's hard but I always try to remind myself of that when I look at someone and think "I wish I knew what it was like to be normal." Because, maybe, like me, they look normal today, but have grief just behind their eyes.

Sending hugs...

strongblonde said...

very beautiful post. xoxo

iamstacey said...

I wonder the same! Every day!

Natalia said...

I just experienced another loss after years of infertility too. It's def. been a hard road and I wonder what it would be like to have someone call me mommy and go crazy for my attention. I know everyone has their struggles, but I truly understand your grief to feel "complete".

Shelby said...

What a lovely post. I too teared up. I have long wondered how to explain to those who have not experienced IF what the silence feels like only to be met with the same cliches, "be careful what you wish for", "the grass is greener". You did a beautiful job in illustrating this. Just beautiful.

jill said...

Wow this is a wonderful post and definitely brought tears to my eyes as well. I wonder the same things all the time. I always try to remember that "grass is always greener" lesson but sometimes it's very hard. *hug*

Sunny said...

What a touching, gorgeous post. I wish for you so much that you know motherhood very soon.